To borrow or not to borrow...to lend or not to lend...

Do you borrow? Do you lend?

  • No, never

  • Yes, always

  • Depends on the bag

  • Depends on the person

  • Depends on the bag AND the person

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#226
remainsilly said:
"I don't share well," seems to cover this situation, for me.
And countless others.
Including when 2 forks appear with my gimme-gimme-mine retaurant dessert plate.
Or when parents believe their greasy toddlers should maul my nice, clean dog in public parks.

Best luck. :)
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Love this answer! And I'm with you on the kids and dogs -- what is it with parents who allow their kids to just run up to a dog and touch him? The fact that my dog is small and cute does NOT mean he's friendly (well, actually he is friendly, but you shouldn't assume!). And I am quite certain he is cleaner than your child's hands.

Designerhbgirl said:
I've only been asked this once or twice, and my reaction was, "you are kidding, right?!" Usually works and they don't ask again!
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Love this response! :laugh:
 
#227
I just don't understand why someone would borrow their relative's bag. That's just tacky. I'd never let anyone borrow my bags except my mom or my mom's bf. These are the only ones I can trust. My friend let her cousin borrow her bag then it got kaputt and the cousin didn't even offer to fix or replace the bag.
 
#229
My lovely bags said:
Thanks averagejoe, this is where I actually struggle. How could you develop this ability to say NO. I must not have been an easy one I guess
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Just a (real) question: why do you value other people's feelings over your own? If they love you they would not wish you to be uncomfortable, in which case they shouldn't ask. Once you've said no they will know the boundaries of what's yours and what's theirs and should respect you for it and appreciate they shouldn't ask again.

Practice saying 'no' it when you're alone (I know it sounds weird but it may help) and give a finite rule rather than justify it. Once you lend a bag yo whoever, you have in fact set a precedent, and then it will be even harder to say no next time they ask.

Suggestions:

"I'm afraid not, I like to keep my bags just for me"

"Sorry, it's the one thing I can't do"

"No, it makes me uncomfortable to say it, but I'd be more uncomfortable lending and I know you wouldn't want me to feel that way".

"No, not to anyone. Even you I'm afraid"

"No, I don't lend my bags, it's a rule I have"

etc

If they whine and moan and plead again, just repeat the same or alternative versions of the above. Having 'a script' means you don't have to think on your feet, justify yourself, or have nothing to fall back on.
 
#232
Only you can decide what your comfortable with doing. Do i lend bags? yes.. one is with my mother and i somehow 'adopted' one out long term to my oldest daughter, i have even lent the same DD one for a day outing.

I'll put it this way, i can live with those two people borrowing my bags, if my SIL were to ask me? oh, heck NO. I know how she treats stuff and no way, freezing day in heck before i would. :p
 
#233
dangerouscurves said:
I just don't understand why someone would borrow their relative's bag. That's just tacky. I'd never let anyone borrow my bags except my mom or my mom's bf. These are the only ones I can trust. My friend let her cousin borrow her bag then it got kaputt and the cousin didn't even offer to fix or replace the bag.
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I think reasons vary, i know why the two i have lent bags to have.. one she's my kid.. and if you have kids, you know why you would ;) the second she's my mother she wanted a smaller bag and refused to buy one and i had one i was not using, seemed logical.

I don't think it's tacky can it be tacky, yep.. but across the board, i'd go with it depends on the circumstances. :smile1:
 
#234
Stand your ground without any guilt. Instead, say "what a good idea" and suggest reciprocity. They can borrow your bag if you can borrow their car. Watch their jaw drop along with the whole subject.
 
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#235
I am dumbfounded by the liberties people will take or the things they will have no shame in asking for. You really have to learn to say "no" and stand your ground when people unexpectedly ask for things.

I recall the time my sister's SIL asked to borrow my sister's brand new (new without license plates) minivan to drive to Disneyland (an 8 hour drive one way). She offered her own, old, old car as an exchange. Uh, no! Seriously? Let me borrow your brand new car, put tons of miles on it, and offer my old car as a loaner in return. NOOOOO!
 
#236
I was going to say that I've never asked anyone if I can borrow a bag and I can't imagine anyone asking me to borrow one of mine, but this isn't true! My friend asked if I wanted to borrow one of her black Tory Burch bags for a job interview and took her up on it because I didn't want to take one of my LV bags (needed something more understated). I took perfect care of it like she knew I would. She's probably the only person I would loan any of my bags to and I know she would take perfect care of it too!
 
#237
Well to be honest I lie because I don't like saying no. It's either I can't find it or its broken. I'd let my mom use anything of mine, and when my daughter asks I just remind her of what she did to my Coach bag. I would actually never ask to borrow someone's bag. I just assume they are as attached to their bags as I am to mine.
And I second not lending things out to people with little kids who think ruining/breaking something is OK because the kids did it. Not that all parents are like that but it has happened to me with people I trusted so no more.
 
#238
My lovely bags said:
Thanks averagejoe, this is where I actually struggle. How could you develop this ability to say NO. I must not have been an easy one I guess
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I actually read a book about boundaries, and it was very eye-opening. The book didn't teach people to say no to everything (after all, we have responsibilities and duties), but to say no to things that you don't want to do that are not your responsibility. You end up building much more meaningful relationships with people that you will enjoy if you set appropriate boundaries.

papertiger said:
Just a (real) question: why do you value other people's feelings over your own? If they love you they would not wish you to be uncomfortable, in which case they shouldn't ask. Once you've said no they will know the boundaries of what's yours and what's theirs and should respect you for it and appreciate they shouldn't ask again.

Practice saying 'no' it when you're alone (I know it sounds weird but it may help) and give a finite rule rather than justify it. Once you lend a bag yo whoever, you have in fact set a precedent, and then it will be even harder to say no next time they ask.

Suggestions:

"I'm afraid not, I like to keep my bags just for me"

"Sorry, it's the one thing I can't do"

"No, it makes me uncomfortable to say it, but I'd be more uncomfortable lending and I know you wouldn't want me to feel that way".

"No, not to anyone. Even you I'm afraid"

"No, I don't lend my bags, it's a rule I have"

etc

If they whine and moan and plead again, just repeat the same or alternative versions of the above. Having 'a script' means you don't have to think on your feet, justify yourself, or have nothing to fall back on.
Click to expand...

I agree with Papertiger. It will feel uncomfortable, but it is important for you. And it doesn't mean that you don't love your friends and family. It means that you will not do this for them. You can always offer to do something else for them, like driving them to a mall to look for a new purse.

Don't let them guilt-trip you into doing it. When you hear that you don't care about them or you made them sad, then it is guilt-tripping and you should respond by reminding them that they are guilt-tripping you.
 
#240
My mom and I also give and take bags from each other all the time. For instance she's been keeping and using my LV Speedy for years now because I just don't like to carry bags that I can't put on my shoulder anymore.

Anyone else though, I don't think I could do it honestly... but I've never been asked either, thank goodness.
 
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