I have not read the other responses to this yet, so am only replying with the original post's content in mind.
I want to offer you a virtual hug, first and foremost. It is heart breaking when we feel less than, in any area of life. It shakes you to your core and totally erases your confidence. I hope you're able to rid yourself of that feeling, because you are enough, just as you are. You are not falling behind and failing to reach your potential, as you currently feel. Those metrics are all arbitrary and you don't need to be boxed in by them.
I would actually say that you're ahead of the curve. From what you have shared, it's clear you have your intelligence, strength of character and a kind nature. You have a loving husband who provides love and safety, if not a new Cartier every week (I know which of those I find more precious). You have a house that you can maintain, not so grand that it causes stress. You have money for retirement and your mortgage! You are, objectively speaking, well ahead of a lot of people in this world. Don't let a few pretty trinkets that you can't attain currently- but may attain someday- blind you to the wealth you already possess (the love and stability in your life, which is priceless).
I hope you'll forgive me for a me-rail; this is about to get personal.
I, like you, probably don't belong here. My most expensive bag is $350. I have a few that are just shy of that amount, but the majority of my bags are cheaper. My bags are made of wonderful leather, they are unique and many are handmade. Still, looking at them objectively, they're worth nothing. Many were stitched in a hut, in a village, in a developing country. Some people would scoff, I'm sure. They do not measure up to H bags (for instance) in any way, shape or form. However, in my life, in my world, they are worth far more. That is enough for me. I am able to celebrate other people's more expensive possessions more as a result of feeling content.
Those expensive things work for those people, with their budgets, with their lifestyles, with their personal tastes and styles. I find true joy in their joy. I have said this many times here but, I don't feel the need to own the things I find beautiful. I can appreciate them just as much, if not more, on other people (who are a better fit for that item).
If you can find that place within yourself, you will feel so much lighter. You are enough; everyone is. We all get a different set of circumstances and someone will always be funnier, smarter, prettier, richer. It's okay! You get what you get, so I try to find joy within those parameters that are set for me and accept that I may never play in the bigger sandbox. I'll make my own games in my smaller sandbox and be thankful for the ability to do that.
As for not reaching one's full potential or falling behind the curve, I am a perfect example of this. I came from little but was gifted with a loving mother, a chance at a great education, strong principles, and exposure to those less fortunate. What a great starting point! I took that and made something of myself. At one point, I had a disposable income (hurray)! I spoiled myself during that time and I'm glad I got to enjoy that experience of abundance for a brief period.
Then I had a series of personal crises that upended my life.
I fell so low, so fast and so hard, I still cannot wrap my head around it.
Through no action of my own, I lost everything. Not just material items but my health, my looks, my career and friends....just everything. Any and all potential I had, along with every privilege I was afforded (including a loving parent and an education), has been wasted because, look where I am now- rock bottom. I feel tremendous guilt and shame around this. I wanted to be someone whom my loved ones would be proud of. I'm just a failure in the end; certainly a failure by other people's standards.
Now, I really don't belong on tpf.
However, I have never been made to feel that I don't belong on here! In fact, it's quite the opposite! I've been welcomed with open arms and reassured that I will survive this difficult chapter. My "cheap" bag collection has been celebrated as much as any coveted HG bag. The people here, as you said, are kind and generous, friendly and warm. They don't exclude you. They don't judge you. There is wisdom here and an innate understanding that different people have different circumstances. Nobody is saying they are better or that we are not. Many here have walked the same path and are only now getting the financial freedom to spoil themselves, so they remember what it was like to have less and would never judge others for that.
The friends I've made here are truly the best people I have ever known. They are not obligated to read or reply to my posts, or to offer advice and support, yet they choose to! They choose to be kind, while they know that I am, by society's current standards, not as good or worthy as they are. That is priceless to me. It humbles me every time I post here.
While I understand your need to step back and reassess how good this is for you, I want you to know that you are not being judged here, just as I'm not being judged here. The kindness and generosity I have received is not exclusive to me. I have seen it extended to everyone. The only person judging you is yourself (we are all our own worst critics). It's an unnecessary burden that you have placed on your shoulders and I hope you can let it go and be free.
I hope it gives you comfort to know that a) you're not the least privileged here, b) we all belong to the group regardless of our financial status, and c) absolutely nobody will make you feel excluded here and everyone wants you to play with them! You don't have to bring your own Birkin to attend the tpf party. Just bring good vibes (which you already do).
To be clear, I am not dismissing your experience at all. I must admit that there is the occasional post that will aggravate me. There are a handful here that simply don't recognize their privilege and act like they're hard done by when, really, they're beyond blessed. I wouldn't mind if they took their privilege for granted but, when they bemoan their bad luck, I could (and have) cried because it's so tone-deaf.
So, I won't lie, sometimes I get very hurt by the nature of some of those posts. The ones boasting and complaining in the same breath, completely unaware that while they're upset they can't buy yet another diamond or bespoke piece this week, some of us have been in a war zone, or struggling to pay bills, or in hospital fighting for our lives, or going hungry (I won't tell you how many of those boxes I personally ticked in recent years, but several for sure).
Sometimes I even see people openly envying others' wealth (in the most passive-aggressive way possible) and I really wonder, why? If you judge them for having too much, what would you think of me at the other end of the spectrum? How harshly would you judge me?
Thankfully that rarely happens, but when it does, it wrecks my self-esteem. Reading your op, I was nodding along in parts.
So I really feel you when you say that coming here can impact your mental health. Sometimes, some days, when I'm already vulnerable, some posts really cut me to the bone. I totally get it.
However, that's not the responsibility of tpf or those posters. That minority simply can't imagine the ripple effect of their words and attitude. It hurts but only because I let it hurt. When this happens, I log off and take a deep breath. I find gratitude within myself. I am grateful for what I once had, even if it is lost. I am grateful to be here and see what joy looks like for other people in other parts of the world. I am grateful that I am welcomed, in spite of being a terrible fit.
I am hopeful I'll be worthy as a human being, if not financially worthy, of keeping the people in this community company.
Above all, I am hopeful people can tell from my posts that I never covet their belongings when I praise them, but merely share their joy with a sincere happiness for their good fortune.
Which is all to say, some days I feel like you do so I can't say you should not feel that way, because we're human and feelings are what they are. The solution for me is that I give myself the space to re-centre and then return happier for having done so. Remember that you have love and stability, which is the most important thing in life. Enjoy whatever you own because you chose those things, you worked for them and you bought them because they brought you joy. Re-centre.
You don't need the extra stuff to be fulfilled. You can enjoy the beautiful extras on other people, without feeling less-than, once you remember that you are intrinsically worthy, intrinsically enough, just as you are, and that whatever your belongings, they are only as valuable as you make them.
Use your things and live your life with them (don't just display them for show), and soon they'll be all that you need. They'll be more enviable and valuable than any designer good because they'll hold memories of your life within them! That bracelet you wore to your best friend's birthday, this bag that you carried on your first holiday in a decade, this scarf your baby spilled her juice on...the memories make the value!
I have no idea if this offers you comfort. I just know that this is how I manage and it has always served me well. Wishing you all the best and hoping you are able to find peace being amongst this community because, you are wanted here and you do belong!
Edit to add:
This is such a simple thing but it helps so much! Remove anything from your feed that doesn't serve you. Your mental health is a priority. If something makes you feel down, just put it on ignore (be it a specific thread or a full forum). It's a great tool and will change the way you experience tpf for the better!
Final edit: Typos and also, as I'm reading on, I realise that what I've shared above is not what you wanted to hear at all. I'm genuinely sorry your experience of being on here "only highlighted how unfair life is". I hope you find some peace from the decision to step back. You deserve to feel happy and content, and you should absolutely only pursue hobbies and environments that support that personal goal.
Thank you for prompting the discussion. It's incredibly insightful.
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