I can't afford this forum

[AnnaLou]

I came on this forum to research info about Cartier watches but stayed because I got sucked down the rabbit hole of all the other beautiful accessories being discussed. My favorite thing is when folks ask for advice on which item to choose. I love trying to match what the person says about themselves to the selections they are trying to decide between. I enjoy helping people find what will make them happy.

Unfortunately, it's kind of like going shopping with a friend who is much more well-off than you. It's hard not to compare what they can afford with what you can afford and feeling less than great in the comparison.

I've noticed that I have become sad about how out of reach most of these items are for me personally. I've been internally judging myself and even my husband for not making as much money as others, and feeling like a loser/failure for not earning to my potential. Also, I married a blue collar nice-guy. Sweetest guy around but doesn't make much, so I've always been the larger income earner. That never really bothered me until I started wishing I had money to buy beautiful things, go on vacations, etc. and realizing that it will never happen at our income level. I used to be content with the fact that we have average to slightly-above average family income. We save for retirement, pay our mortgage, etc. But the house is small and there isn't much left over for extras like handbags or jewelry. In another post, I said it's fine to buy a bag if you can use it on your vacation, but not if you're spending the vacation budget on the bag. To be honest, I can't even afford the vacation unless I don't get stuff fixed in the house. So yeah, that cute Fendi First clutch or Cartier stack, for me would be irresponsible in the extreme.

There are reasons beyond my control for why I have not lived up to my potential but no matter how many times I tell myself that I need to be happy with what I've accomplished and indeed should be proud of how far I've come compared to where I started, it is still difficult to maintain that inner dialogue when I keep seeing people discuss buying multiple bags that cost more than a vacation for a family of four, and jewelry that costs more than a car. It is difficult not to feel bad by comparison.

I know people say not to compare oneself to others, but that is honestly asking people to not be human. Of course we compare ourselves to others. It's natural. That's why we prefer to be around people who are similar to ourselves. We don't have to feel different. We all want to be part of "us" not part of "them" or even worse, just "me" all alone.

While at first I found this forum to be fun (and aspects of it still are), I have found that I feel like the poor kid at a rich kid's pool party. Out of place and embarrassed that I don't have the same things and that my parents never gave me a dime.

Most of the folks on here have been really awesome and kind. The forum itself is great. I just personally am finding that my inner self confidence has taken a real hit by frequent exposure to people who are so far beyond my own income level. It is difficult not to feel "less than" when everyone else has so much more.

I have been coming on here less but do really enjoy the "help me choose" posts. I'm trying to decide whether the enjoyment I get from those is enough to balance out feeling so bad that having such a choice is beyond me personally. There is a lot of negative self-judgement and that's not healthy obviously.

I wonder if anyone else here feels similarly?

 

[caruava]

Absolutely not. Living within one's means is important. I know what my priorities are and I'm secure in myself. I don't compare to others. My closest friends earn much more than I do and they can buy things I want more often than I can and I'm happy for them. It's their money to spend and I celebrate with them when they make major purchases! I've lost my collection 2x out of no choice of my own with the most recent being last year. I can't just replace everything but I'm super grateful for things not being worse and I'm happy with what I have.

That key for me, if you can't be happy with what you have, you'll always be wanting the next thing. I guess I look at the wider picture too. I'm healthy and I live a comfortable life (comfortable = have a good job, have a home, have someone who loves me and I can pay my bills). Life is good and I love it. All these other material things are not necessary, but they are nice if I have them. If not, life's still awesome.

Hope you can evolve from the way you're feeling.

 

[880]

Hey, Im the one with the small budget among my TPF friends. And I’m the one with the big budget among some other friends. In both cases, I am talking about people who have become IRL friends. (The friendships are the true treasure, not the other stuff). It’s all relative. When my DH was starting his own businesses, we lived on a spartan budget, and I funded a healthy portion of expenses, plus a bit for my own shopping habit, which was MUCH smaller, for many years. (All of our savings went into the businesses, and we also didn’t take any vacations for 12 years or more). I never spent what I didn’t have or couldn’t afford. But, like @caruava , I always focused on being grateful for what I had, not what I didn’t have. Now that we have more disposable income, I can shop more, but we are basically the same people, same values. I doubt I will ever buy a bag that costs the price of a car, and I said thst to some of my bigger budget friends. We laughed and started to discuss what car lol. (No matter what car, I’m still not doing it But I’m happy for them when they do. It’s important not to take this so seriously that yu become unhappy or dissatisfied. That’s when, IMO, one should step away.

Shopping is a way to connect and have fun, but there are many more important things, like yur spouse, family, and doing things that help you to feel positively about your life. . Many of us who have been long time members, step away for many reasons including desire not to be drawn into a consumer rabbit hole. I stepped away when my first H SA left, and I only came back years later due to Covid SIP. When I first started, there was less of an emphasis on extreme wealth, and the flex of the spend, and more of an emphasis on discovering about different leather and the history of the brand. We were simply United by love of bags or what have you, but we als9 wanted to learn. And, just bc something is beautiful does not mean you have to buy it

If you choose to remain on forum, perhaps limit exposure to some of the threads that you find triggering. I personally get agitated on some threads like miniscule flaw in my leather, or I bought five bags and need to return four, and so on, so I try to stay away from those. There are also plenty of other forums that i visit when I’d rather not be tempted to shop. Weight loss, money talks, the holiday thread, shop your closet (fun and like the H chat of OG years), minimalist closet started by @diane278 , the celebrity subforum (if you read a few pages of Markle or Amber Heard, you will quickly feel very fortunate not to be them lol). The important thing is to keep track of your own IRL priorities. The other issue that you mention, of living up to your potential, is entirely different. That may not be connected to money at all, but doing what you find truly rewarding and fulfilling. It sounds like you are doing all the right things in starting to think about the issues that are important to you. It’s definitely a journey and I wish you the best!

 

[Candace30]

I came on this forum to research info about Cartier watches but stayed because I got sucked down the rabbit hole of all the other beautiful accessories being discussed. My favorite thing is when folks ask for advice on which item to choose. I love trying to match what the person says about themselves to the selections they are trying to decide between. I enjoy helping people find what will make them happy.

Unfortunately, it's kind of like going shopping with a friend who is much more well-off than you. It's hard not to compare what they can afford with what you can afford and feeling less than great in the comparison.

I've noticed that I have become sad about how out of reach most of these items are for me personally. I've been internally judging myself and even my husband for not making as much money as others, and feeling like a loser/failure for not earning to my potential. Also, I married a blue collar nice-guy. Sweetest guy around but doesn't make much, so I've always been the larger income earner. That never really bothered me until I started wishing I had money to buy beautiful things, go on vacations, etc. and realizing that it will never happen at our income level. I used to be content with the fact that we have average to slightly-above average family income. We save for retirement, pay our mortgage, etc. But the house is small and there isn't much left over for extras like handbags or jewelry. In another post, I said it's fine to buy a bag if you can use it on your vacation, but not if you're spending the vacation budget on the bag. To be honest, I can't even afford the vacation unless I don't get stuff fixed in the house. So yeah, that cute Fendi First clutch or Cartier stack, for me would be irresponsible in the extreme.

There are reasons beyond my control for why I have not lived up to my potential but no matter how many times I tell myself that I need to be happy with what I've accomplished and indeed should be proud of how far I've come compared to where I started, it is still difficult to maintain that inner dialogue when I keep seeing people discuss buying multiple bags that cost more than a vacation for a family of four, and jewelry that costs more than a car. It is difficult not to feel bad by comparison.

I know people say not to compare oneself to others, but that is honestly asking people to not be human. Of course we compare ourselves to others. It's natural. That's why we prefer to be around people who are similar to ourselves. We don't have to feel different. We all want to be part of "us" not part of "them" or even worse, just "me" all alone.

While at first I found this forum to be fun (and aspects of it still are), I have found that I feel like the poor kid at a rich kid's pool party. Out of place and embarrassed that I don't have the same things and that my parents never gave me a dime.

Most of the folks on here have been really awesome and kind. The forum itself is great. I just personally am finding that my inner self confidence has taken a real hit by frequent exposure to people who are so far beyond my own income level. It is difficult not to feel "less than" when everyone else has so much more.

I have been coming on here less but do really enjoy the "help me choose" posts. I'm trying to decide whether the enjoyment I get from those is enough to balance out feeling so bad that having such a choice is beyond me personally. There is a lot of negative self-judgement and that's not healthy obviously.

I wonder if anyone else here feels similarly?

Hi there! Thank you so much for posting this, and I want to let you know that I feel very similarly. You are not alone, I promise!

I grew up lower middle class, a child of immigrant parents. My first taste of luxury was window shopping at the mall as I approached college graduation (I was the first in my family to attend). I fell in love with a small Cartier Tank Francaise watch in stainless steel. My sweet parents saved and surprised me with it as a present for graduating.

Unfortunately, ever since then, I've had expensive taste. I love premier brands of jewelry and handbags. However, I didn't buy a single piece of luxury for myself until I was 28 years old and finished graduate school. I started with a $800 LV bag, and didn't buy anything else for many years.

I have a decent job, married a middle class man, and had 2 beautiful children. I bought a few more luxury pieces during the 10 years we were married (an entry level Cartier necklace, 1 more LV bag). About 5 years ago, my marriage ended. I could never have imagined it happening, to say I was devastated was an understatement.

In order to soothe myself, I started spending more time on this forum. It was a bad influence, and over the space of 5 years since the divorce, I bought a few luxury bags (probably spent about $10k in total), and a Cartier necklace. I didn't go into debt buying those items, but for a full-time middle class working mother, I probably shouldn't have bought all of that.

I am completely in love with Cartier stacks. Seeing all the Cartier in action threads make me long to add a few bracelets. But it's just not wise at this point in my life. I truly can't afford it. Moreover, I cannot justify wearing $10k or more on my wrist when I know my home needs repairs and I will need a new car eventually.

I just bought a $1750 gold David Yurman bracelet. Some would say that I shouldn't have bought it, and just saved for a Cartier Love or JUC. But I love the DY (despite many here who roll their eyes at DY), and the price point makes more sense for my lifestyle. I'm now officially on a luxury no-buy.

I love the community here. I find posters generally very humble and not bragging, and they are always SO kind and willing to help. But, it's not good for my mental health to see all this wealth and these beautiful things around me all the time. and I should probably take a break. I know I will come back eventually, but I think we should do what we need to do to protect our well being. That includes unfollowing Instagram influencers, not watching luxury hauls on YouTube etc.

Please know that the lifestyles here are NOT the norm. Most people do not have a lifestyle that can afford these items. If you find yourself feeling bad after spending time here, it might be wise to take a break as well.

 

[JenJBS]

I totally feel the same about not reaching my full potential - thank you metal health issues... Please try to be kind to yourself. Self compassion is such an important thing to develop.

As for money and comparison... For me, it's a matter of perspective / attitude.

I've learned I can find as much (or even more) beauty and craftsmanship in a $450 Contemporary bag as I would a $4,500 Premier bag. And definitely more joy, since I'm not paying a sum I know I can't afford. I have both Contemporary and Premier bags. It's about loving the bag, not comparing it to anyone else's bag.

I've learned I appreciate an uncommon piece of jewelry from a local/unknown brand gotten because I love it so much more than I would a Cartier bracelet gotten just as a status symbol - and no different than the Cartier bracelet ten of thousands of other women wear. No offense intended to anyone with a Cartier bracelet they truly love.

 

[Love Of My Life]

What's really important is the person you are & your character, material things are just those
material things that someone is in a position to indulge themselves in or perhaps go into debt
wanting to compete with the Smiths. I have also seen a lot of show & tell, which is
not genuine, just a tease.. Look what I have & you don't.. Not important in my world
@JenJBS is right, we can derive pleasure if we choose to give that to ourselves & we should.
As for money and comparison who really cares.. we pay our own bills
And I think of the phrase, "stop & smell the roses" it doesn't cost a dime but what beauty can
surround us if we give ourselves the pleasure.
Be proud of your achievements after all they are yours & just because there is money or status,
there's a price for having that as well

 

[Lavendera]

AnnaLou,
I think your feelings are absolutely normal. you sound like a a grounded person having a normal reaction to a luxury shopping mentality. This forum does not represent the real world in my opinion. Most people do not buy luxury goods. This forum can be depressing if one thinks that this is the way the whole world is and somehow we are falling behind. This is not the real world for most people. Consumerism can make one feel bad about oneself in the same way that watching influencers or celebrities appear to be living their best lives can, but they are only showing what they want you to see.

Most well off people I know do not even buy luxury goods. Besides, some high-priced items have enormous mark ups, and are no better quality than lower priced items, it’s just that their marketing is very convincing.
The problem with consumerism is, there is never enough once one gets sucked into it. Shopping and buying things can absolutely be fun but NOT as a replacement for something missing in one’s self or in one’s life.

You sound like you have a wonderful husband and a wonderful life. THAT is what success is in life, not what we buy. Please stay grounded in knowing that. If this forum makes you feel bad then it’s probably best to limit your time here, or take it all with a grain of salt.

I came here because I was looking for a nice leather handbag as I hadn’t bought one for a while. I had just given a couple of old Gucci’s to Goodwill, which was idiotic as I thought I could easily replace them with something else. I quickly realized there is no way I am looking to spend thousands of dollars on a handbag. If other people do, then, no judgment, if that’s what brings them joy. But material goods do not make us into a better or higher status person person. That’s an inside job. I do, however enjoy looking at various pretty things and mostly stay in the contemporary designer threads. Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it suits us personally in terms of our personal style and personal color palette, In fact, carrying a $30,000 bag or piece of jewelry, if it’s the wrong color, shape or style for us as an individual, is not going to be flattering. So stay true to yourself and thanks for your post.

 

[leechiyong]

While comparing ourselves to others is natural, keep in mind that we are all different and want different things. I made a deliberate choice to not go after the most lucrative career path I could have because I knew that path would not make me happy and that's alright. I do struggle with it occasionally, such as when I see a former peer's trajectory vs. mine. It's easy to go, I could be there if I did what he did, but I didn't. He worked for the life he wanted and I worked for the life I did.

As an aside, I appreciate you taking the time to post. I know a lot of people struggle with these feelings, especially here where every subforum has the superlatives for their category, and it becomes isolating. Since it becomes just another thing to feel like an outsider about, it doesn't get discussed and the feeling of isolation only grows, but you are not alone.

 

[AnnaLou]

Absolutely not. Living within one's means is important. I know what my priorities are and I'm secure in myself. I don't compare to others. My closest friends earn much more than I do and they can buy things I want more often than I can and I'm happy for them. It's their money to spend and I celebrate with them when they make major purchases! I've lost my collection 2x out of no choice of my own with the most recent being last year. I can't just replace everything but I'm super grateful for things not being worse and I'm happy with what I have.

That key for me, if you can't be happy with what you have, you'll always be wanting the next thing. I guess I look at the wider picture too. I'm healthy and I live a comfortable life (comfortable = have a good job, have a home, have someone who loves me and I can pay my bills). Life is good and I love it. All these other material things are not necessary, but they are nice if I have them. If not, life's still awesome.

Hope you can evolve from the way you're feeling.

But I think the fact you had a "collection" to lose. . . twice, means you're in a different place financially. Also, you are "healthy and have a comfortable life" but unfortunately I cannot say the same, especially with regards to health. It is harder for people to judge those whose lives are vastly different, so generally its best not to try.

I feel like there will be a lot of judgement now based on this post. I feel like I've opened myself up to comments about being shallow and not "evolved" to the point where I have enough self-confidence to withstand seeing other people happy. Which frankly is ridiculous. I'm always happy for other people when they have all the wonderful things they want. I don't want anyone to have less than what they have. Even if they inherited and didn't earn it themselves, I feel no bitterness about what other people have. We all deserve all the happiness in the world. But that doesn't make it easier to deal with not having things myself. We all know life isn't fair but it's a lot easier to be philosophical about it when you're on the "more fair" side of the spectrum.

Being on a forum where people are frankly, in a different league than oneself can result in negative self-judgements. When you immerse yourself in an environment where everyone seems to have so much more than you do, it is very easy to think "what's wrong with me that I can't give myself this lifestyle." And then to blame oneself for blaming oneself. "Life is more than material possessions. Why I am being so shallow? Is that who I am? Why can't I be happy with who I am and what I have? I must be a small, broken person." Whenever one person feels or thinks something there's a strong chance that others feel the same way. Maybe there are others here who, like me, need to seriously consider what we're doing here and reevaluate whether this is a healthy environment for the issues we bring to the table.

My issue is that I have a chip on my shoulder about what I haven't been able to achieve. That chip causes me bitterness about missed opportunities, etc. Before anyone tells me that I should be happy with blah, blah, blah, they should be able to say that they themselves would never be upset about circumstances that affected the course of their entire life, their income potential, career options, ability to have children, and on and on. Yes, lots of people had it tough and they do fine, as did I. But when you've climbed so far and worked so hard to get out of the cavern that you started out in to finally reach ground level, it is still frustrating because you realize that if only you had been able to start at ground level, you could have climbed Mt Everest with all the work you put in.

Dealing with this issue is a work in progress obviously, but the fact that I am at a point where this is my major problem in life, is such a huge step up from where I started, that I do have to give myself credit for the growth I've achieved. And that's kind of the point of the original post. I feel fine most of the time but this is my psychological weak spot. I've done a lot of healing over the years and am justifiably proud of what I've accomplished. However, being on this forum I've discovered for me, is like poking on the bruise I still have.

I can only hope that if you don't relate, you can move on and keep your negative judgements to yourself, and if you do relate, to know that you aren't alone. Maybe some of us, instead of beating ourselves up for not being as financially successful as many others on here, should step back and look at what we do have. I can say for myself that being happy with what I have is a whole lot easier when I'm not comparing it to how much more other people have.

I will be looking for other forums that support financial frugality, psychological support, etc. I love forums and am on a few others for other hobbies but it's only TPF where I am constantly reminded of how unfair life is. Again, it is a great forum, it's just not a good fit for the specific issues I bring to the table. I'll probably still come on and weigh in now and then when folks ask for opinions on which thing to choose, but then again I might not.

I enjoy feeling like I'm being kind and helping other people with positivity and increasing the joy and self-respect they feel. I don't spend too much time online, but those are the types of places where I would like to spend my online time. If anyone has any suggestions for good forums related to budgeting and/or household chores, psychology/philosophy and that sort of thing, I would be interested in hearing about them. Thanks!

 

[Lavendera]

this forum definitely can definitely be envy-inducing and not really representative of most people’s lives.

 

[AnnaLou]

While comparing ourselves to others is natural, keep in mind that we are all different and want different things. I made a deliberate choice to not go after the most lucrative career path I could have because I knew that path would not make me happy and that's alright. I do struggle with it occasionally, such as when I see a former peer's trajectory vs. mine. It's easy to go, I could be there if I did what he did, but I didn't. He worked for the life he wanted and I worked for the life I did.

As an aside, I appreciate you taking the time to post. I know a lot of people struggle with these feelings, especially here where every subforum has the superlatives for their category, and it becomes isolating. Since it becomes just another thing to feel like an outsider about, it doesn't get discussed and the feeling of isolation only grows, but you are not alone.

Thank you for this. Isolating is exactly the word. That's why I posted. I suspect there are others who feel "lesser" here but are too caught up in the beauty and excitement to notice that they're feeling bad about themselves.

I think it's good to stop and think about why we want some of these material things. Is it because we really truly want them, or because it is a way I can tell myself that I am a success. I am not a loser. See my cool, expensive stuff? I'm not still that poor funny looking kid, I'm a winner now. If, upon reflection, we find any of those types of thoughts in ourselves, it is best to remove ourselves from that particular environment and instead find somewhere that makes us feel better about ourselves for healthy, valid reasons.

 

[MillStream]

A little more than twenty years ago my husband and I sold our home, put nearly everything in containerized storage, and moved to the east coast to start a company with business associates. All we had with us were some creature comforts (good bedding, a few favorite pots and pans, good knives, laptop computers, a box of cd's and books not yet read, a bose radio with cd player) and minimal clothing in our furnished monthly rental apartment. We had each other, enjoyed having those creature comforts and missed nothing. It was quite a shock to us to realize how very little we actually "needed."

Eight months later we bought a home in our new community, filled it with the containerized storage treasures, and proceeded to further feather our nest with stuff. He passed away quite suddenly just three years later, and I was left with a full house and unbearable emptiness. The only thing I truly valued in our home was my husband, and he was gone. To fill that emptiness and loneliness, I shopped. I took a deep dive down the Hermes rabbit hole and amassed an enormous collection. Beautiful, yes. Meaningful, no. My happiness is in relationships, not things. It took me thirteen years to be ready to sell that home, extricate myself from all that stuff and buy a condo. Things happened very fast from that point. I was shown a condo not yet on the market and bought it on the spot. My home sold immediately, an hour before the brokers open house, to the only people who got to see it. Through a mutual friend I met a wonderful man two weeks before closing on my home and closing on the condo (all in the same day). I sent 90% of my possessions to auction and started life again with this fabulous man.

That was 7-1/2 years ago. I now have a small, carefully curated handbag collection which could use a little pruning. Best of all, I have great friends and that very special man in my life. I find the reveals of mountains of orange boxes with their contents spread out to be entertaining, and have no pangs of jealousy. I have almost everything I want and absolutely everything I need. Being content is the very best place to be.

 

[AnnaLou]

AnnaLou,
I think your feelings are absolutely normal. you sound like a a grounded person having a normal reaction to a luxury shopping mentality. This forum does not represent the real world in my opinion. Most people do not buy luxury goods. This forum can be depressing if one thinks that this is the way the whole world is and somehow we are falling behind. This is not the real world for most people. Consumerism can make one feel bad about oneself in the same way that watching influencers or celebrities appear to be living their best lives can, but they are only showing what they want you to see.

Most well off people I know do not even buy luxury goods. Besides, some high-priced items have enormous mark ups, and are no better quality than lower priced items, it’s just that their marketing is very convincing.
The problem with consumerism is, there is never enough once one gets sucked into it. Shopping and buying things can absolutely be fun but NOT as a replacement for something missing in one’s self or in one’s life.

You sound like you have a wonderful husband and a wonderful life. THAT is what success is in life, not what we buy. Please stay grounded in knowing that. If this forum makes you feel bad then it’s probably best to limit your time here, or take it all with a grain of salt.

I came here because I was looking for a nice leather handbag as I hadn’t bought one for a while. I had just given a couple of old Gucci’s to Goodwill, which was idiotic as I thought I could easily replace them with something else. I quickly realized there is no way I am looking to spend thousands of dollars on a handbag. If other people do, then, no judgment, if that’s what brings them joy. But material goods do not make us into a better or higher status person person. That’s an inside job. I do, however enjoy looking at various pretty things and mostly stay in the contemporary designer threads. Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it suits us personally in terms of our personal style and personal color palette, In fact, carrying a $30,000 bag or piece of jewelry, if it’s the wrong color, shape or style for us as an individual, is not going to be flattering. So stay true to yourself and thanks for your post.

Thank you for your kind, thoughtful post. I can tell you understand where I was coming from.

Seeing a vulnerability in myself is hard to expose because I do not enjoy criticism. Having the anonymity of a forum makes it a little easier, but it is still difficult. I felt like I was 'putting myself out there' with the original post, but being an introspective person, I realize that while I notice this in myself, others might not notice if they are going through the same thing. I have read some posts from people that make me worry that they are caught up in keeping up with the forum-Joneses. People talking about saving for things that cost enough money, that really, if you have to save for it, you probably should put that money towards something else. People buying the junkiest crapped-out used bags for hundreds of dollars because of the brand name. Unfixable stuff. Just to carry around a name because they can't afford it new.

None of us is perfect. We all have something that we could work on. This particular issue is definitely my weakest spot because it exacerbates my feelings of disappointment for not being able to have the life I wanted or thought I would have. Working on being happy with what I do have is, as I said before, is a work in progress.

Thanks again for being kind and considerate.

p.s. If you are tempted to regret giving away the Guccis, just think of how happy whoever found them was. They probably still brag about their amazing thrift-store find and feel really good every time they think of it. Just think of how much happiness you gave away! All for the price of a few bags you didn't want anyway.

 

[880]

I would like to think that those of us who have posted can relate to your initial post, whether or not we are currently in the same place. The subsequent responses, like that of @MillStream, @leechiyong , and others are simply how we have each attempted to deal with consumerism and love of expensive things in our own lives.* Consumerism is like a rich dessert in that a little can go a long way. If you would like to stay on the forum, perhaps hitting ignore on the luxury subforum s and focusing on health and fitness; money talks; and general discussion can be helpful. Some of the same members you know from luxury subforums also turn up in others and reveal very different facets to their personalities. Sometimes a clean break can be beneficial too. The nice thing about TPF is you can always easily jump back in, even after a long hiatus away.

*we all have to deal with feelings of inadequacy and concerns about our relative success or failure. And, we are all each much more than our love of stuff.

 

[AnnaLou]

Hi there! Thank you so much for posting this, and I want to let you know that I feel very similarly. You are not alone, I promise!

I grew up lower middle class, a child of immigrant parents. My first taste of luxury was window shopping at the mall as I approached college graduation (I was the first in my family to attend). I fell in love with a small Cartier Tank Francaise watch in stainless steel. My sweet parents saved and surprised me with it as a present for graduating.

Unfortunately, ever since then, I've had expensive taste. I love premier brands of jewelry and handbags. However, I didn't buy a single piece of luxury for myself until I was 28 years old and finished graduate school. I started with a $800 LV bag, and didn't buy anything else for many years.

I have a decent job, married a middle class man, and had 2 beautiful children. I bought a few more luxury pieces during the 10 years we were married (an entry level Cartier necklace, 1 more LV bag). About 5 years ago, my marriage ended. I could never have imagined it happening, to say I was devastated was an understatement.

In order to soothe myself, I started spending more time on this forum. It was a bad influence, and over the space of 5 years since the divorce, I bought a few luxury bags (probably spent about $10k in total), and a Cartier necklace. I didn't go into debt buying those items, but for a full-time middle class working mother, I probably shouldn't have bought all of that.

I am completely in love with Cartier stacks. Seeing all the Cartier in action threads make me long to add a few bracelets. But it's just not wise at this point in my life. I truly can't afford it. Moreover, I cannot justify wearing $10k or more on my wrist when I know my home needs repairs and I will need a new car eventually.

I just bought a $1750 gold David Yurman bracelet. Some would say that I shouldn't have bought it, and just saved for a Cartier Love or JUC. But I love the DY (despite many here who roll their eyes at DY), and the price point makes more sense for my lifestyle. I'm now officially on a luxury no-buy.

I love the community here. I find posters generally very humble and not bragging, and they are always SO kind and willing to help. But, it's not good for my mental health to see all this wealth and these beautiful things around me all the time. and I should probably take a break. I know I will come back eventually, but I think we should do what we need to do to protect our well being. That includes unfollowing Instagram influencers, not watching luxury hauls on YouTube etc.

Please know that the lifestyles here are NOT the norm. Most people do not have a lifestyle that can afford these items. If you find yourself feeling bad after spending time here, it might be wise to take a break as well.

Hi Candace30,
Thank you so much for your generous post and sharing your story.

I too have made a few (two, to be exact) purchases that were more than what I should have spent. I saved for them and don't regret them because I actually wanted to allow myself to have something really "nice" and to put myself first for once, but I do sometimes feel guilty that I spent that money on myself and not the kids or my house. But despite that guilt, being on this forum sometimes makes me think that certain bags or jewelry pieces are items I NEED and I find myself contemplating the idea that perhaps spending a month's income on a bag is perfectly reasonable.

Ultimately, I definitely think it wise to take a break. Like I said, the "helping/shopping" part is really fun. Always being the friend who holds the bags outside the fitting room, less so.