I often do a search here to find advice on various non-purse related stuff
I can't afford this forum
- Thread starter AnnaLou
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When I joined this forum, I didn’t realize I was joining a luxury forum. I just wanted to talk about purses. Didn’t realize talking about handbags entailed luxury, since there are bags at all price points in the world, but that’s definitely where I’ve found myself: in a room of rich people! I try not to let it warp my perception of reality. I’m a data scientist, so numbers and distributions are close to my heart. This isn’t normal, and I know it. You do too, but we weight direct experiences more heavily, so I understand how the stream of $$$ bags can make one forget. While it’s normal to compare yourself to others, like someone else said, broaden the scope of comparison. When I go outside, I see reality. There are lux bags out there too, but honestly less than 10%. I’m not rich. Not everyone here is. I have a single luxury bag, and I otherwise stick to “contemporary”, and am laware that even having those is good fortune.
It sounds more like you feel less accomplished in life so it’s easy for this forum to trigger those insecurities. I don’t know what to say about that except that it really sounds like you have a good life, and I mean that sincerely. 99% of the world is not rich. You have accomplished a lot, it sounds like. And yes, it will be true that it will take more effort/ work / actions for some people to reach a level that others can get to easily, or are already born at. This is part of society and I’d try not to internalize it. I’m black and spent my childhood years in a poor black neighborhood, and it had everything one thinks of about 80s crack-era American ghettos. So many people ended up with so many terrible things happen and I often think, if they had not been born poor and black, the rate of catastrophe would be much lower. But I don’t think this makes them /us inherently worse humans. It’s a function of society broadly. I also try not to internalize the successes I’ve had, too, thinking they’re evidence of how awesome a person I am or something. Not do I think rich people are better than me. There are lots of factors that determine our lives outside of our control, and I frequently think our idea of “control”, even, is an illusion itself.
Whew, I rambled a lot!
It sounds more like you feel less accomplished in life so it’s easy for this forum to trigger those insecurities. I don’t know what to say about that except that it really sounds like you have a good life, and I mean that sincerely. 99% of the world is not rich. You have accomplished a lot, it sounds like. And yes, it will be true that it will take more effort/ work / actions for some people to reach a level that others can get to easily, or are already born at. This is part of society and I’d try not to internalize it. I’m black and spent my childhood years in a poor black neighborhood, and it had everything one thinks of about 80s crack-era American ghettos. So many people ended up with so many terrible things happen and I often think, if they had not been born poor and black, the rate of catastrophe would be much lower. But I don’t think this makes them /us inherently worse humans. It’s a function of society broadly. I also try not to internalize the successes I’ve had, too, thinking they’re evidence of how awesome a person I am or something. Not do I think rich people are better than me. There are lots of factors that determine our lives outside of our control, and I frequently think our idea of “control”, even, is an illusion itself.
Whew, I rambled a lot!
This! Not everything we see online is real, and tPF is a really good example of this.
There are truly wealthy people here, those who get themselves into a ton of debt in order to buy what you see posted here, those who buy & reveal on tPF only to immediately return or resell, etc.
No one knows what life is *really* like for people who post their luxury purchases on this forum. Everyone has some type of curated online persona, whether intentional or not.
I knew a wealthy couple years ago. they had tens of millions when that was really rich. the wife one time told me she was shocked that her friends who were business partners and wealthy too thought they were being conservative when buying a Coach wallet for their daughter. Wife thought a Coach wallet was expensive. She could have easily afforded Chanel or something at that level. But she didn't come from money and wasn't fashion oriented. I'm sure there are some here on the PF who have much less money but buy much more expensive things. We can't know what people really have. I don't go to the Hermes forum but there are probably some wealthy people there and some who aren't and are just extravagant and want the status item.
There are also people here who imply they have a lot of money and I wonder if they really do. It's easy to say anything online.
There are also people here who imply they have a lot of money and I wonder if they really do. It's easy to say anything online.
When my oldest daughter went to college she begged me for an LV bag because many of her sorority sisters had them. The poor thing only had Coach and Kate Spade lol. She came to find out that many of the LVs were good fakes. A friend used to belong to an online LV group. She said it was sad when someone posted a bag for sale, saying their car needed new tires or similar. Just my opinion, but frequently when I've read Closet Confessionals on the blog the math just doesn't seem to add up between the person's age, income and their bag collection. Things often are not what they seem online.
Granted, I love the luxury part of this forum. That's for sure...but.. I find myself in the celeb thread and the TV thread a lot. You can find a lot to chat about that doesn't involve being envious or feeling bad about yourself! It's more than that.. for me anyhow.
Wow. Just, wow. Thanks so much everyone who has thus far shared their kind thoughts, comments, and viewpoints. I really appreciate the effort that folks have taken to reach out to an internet stranger. It reinforces what I said about this being essentially a great forum with great people. It does feel good to be validated.
I just want to clarify two things that seem to have confused a few people:
1. I know that materialism and consumerism are shallow values. I also know that my real worth is NOT the same as my net-worth. That's exactly why I found it disturbing and unpleasantly surprising to find myself starting to judge myself and even my husband by such superficial standards. It's like I said, they are MY issues that I bring to the table. Not the forum's fault.
2. I don't care what others think of me. That is not why I started to feel bad about myself. I started feeling bad because it hit my weak spot of feeling like I haven't done enough to reach my potential. It is a combination of feeling cheated by the hand I was dealt and also being angry with myself for how I played the hand I was given. On an ordinary basis in real life, I feel perfectly fine as by comparison with those around me, I'm pretty middle-class. Plenty of folks both above and below me. On this particular site however, there are a lot of people who have so many material possessions that it reminds me of what I could have had too if only things had been different. I fully understand that having this be an issue for me, is in fact an ISSUE that shows I still have things to work on. I KNOW I need to be happy with what I have, but that's easier said than done. It's also easier if I don't purposefully expose myself to content that pokes at my sore spot.
The sentiment of "what did you expect from a luxury forum" has been expressed. I expected that I would be able to see other people's nice things and be happy for them and in fact, I am. I love to see happy people. It makes me happier. One way that I make myself feel better if I'm down, is to find examples of people and animals who are happy. It makes me feel good to see happiness in the world. What I did not expect was that seeing so many examples of affluence that so far exceeds my own, would pull out my own feelings of remorse over a life I was not able to have due to circumstances outside of my control. I did not expect it to highlight my own psychological weakness. Again, my own issue, not that of the forum. I'm not blaming the forum.
Unfortunately, obvious platitudes such as "don't worry be happy" and "you can't compare yourself to others" are not helpful but rather feel dismissive. Life and our minds are more complicated than that. I wish problems could be solved with what are essentially catchy song titles, but if it were that easy, the field of psychiatry wouldn't be a thing.
Which brings me to one very positive thing about all this: it has highlighted for me an area where I need work. It has really shown me how much resentment and bitterness that I carry. I've come to realize that while most issues have gotten better with age, this particular one is actually getting worse because the older I get, the less chance I have of making significant changes to my career. It is aggravating the feeling of "it's too late, I'll never get to do the things I wanted." There's a lot to unpack there and it is a bitterness that I was holding inside myself regardless of what I saw on the forum. The forum content just brought it out in a very strong way because the content is so directed. Without having my "face rubbed in it" so to speak, I was able to fool myself about it not being as much of an issue as it truly is, however I was still carrying that burden around inside myself. It was still there, I just didn't know how big it was. Now knowing what I'm dealing with, I'm actually going to look for a therapist who can help me deal with those feelings of bitterness and resentment. So yeah, I'm ultimately a "glass half full" person and despite this residual issue that I've discovered about myself, I consider myself a positive person.
Thanks again to everyone who has (and who may yet) respond to this post. Especially those who respond with sensitivity, respect, and decency. There are lots of awesome, intelligent, considerate folks here. You've all convinced me to hang around on some of the non-luxury threads. I've always liked forums and really do like this community. So thank you all for that.
I just want to clarify two things that seem to have confused a few people:
1. I know that materialism and consumerism are shallow values. I also know that my real worth is NOT the same as my net-worth. That's exactly why I found it disturbing and unpleasantly surprising to find myself starting to judge myself and even my husband by such superficial standards. It's like I said, they are MY issues that I bring to the table. Not the forum's fault.
2. I don't care what others think of me. That is not why I started to feel bad about myself. I started feeling bad because it hit my weak spot of feeling like I haven't done enough to reach my potential. It is a combination of feeling cheated by the hand I was dealt and also being angry with myself for how I played the hand I was given. On an ordinary basis in real life, I feel perfectly fine as by comparison with those around me, I'm pretty middle-class. Plenty of folks both above and below me. On this particular site however, there are a lot of people who have so many material possessions that it reminds me of what I could have had too if only things had been different. I fully understand that having this be an issue for me, is in fact an ISSUE that shows I still have things to work on. I KNOW I need to be happy with what I have, but that's easier said than done. It's also easier if I don't purposefully expose myself to content that pokes at my sore spot.
The sentiment of "what did you expect from a luxury forum" has been expressed. I expected that I would be able to see other people's nice things and be happy for them and in fact, I am. I love to see happy people. It makes me happier. One way that I make myself feel better if I'm down, is to find examples of people and animals who are happy. It makes me feel good to see happiness in the world. What I did not expect was that seeing so many examples of affluence that so far exceeds my own, would pull out my own feelings of remorse over a life I was not able to have due to circumstances outside of my control. I did not expect it to highlight my own psychological weakness. Again, my own issue, not that of the forum. I'm not blaming the forum.
Unfortunately, obvious platitudes such as "don't worry be happy" and "you can't compare yourself to others" are not helpful but rather feel dismissive. Life and our minds are more complicated than that. I wish problems could be solved with what are essentially catchy song titles, but if it were that easy, the field of psychiatry wouldn't be a thing.
Which brings me to one very positive thing about all this: it has highlighted for me an area where I need work. It has really shown me how much resentment and bitterness that I carry. I've come to realize that while most issues have gotten better with age, this particular one is actually getting worse because the older I get, the less chance I have of making significant changes to my career. It is aggravating the feeling of "it's too late, I'll never get to do the things I wanted." There's a lot to unpack there and it is a bitterness that I was holding inside myself regardless of what I saw on the forum. The forum content just brought it out in a very strong way because the content is so directed. Without having my "face rubbed in it" so to speak, I was able to fool myself about it not being as much of an issue as it truly is, however I was still carrying that burden around inside myself. It was still there, I just didn't know how big it was. Now knowing what I'm dealing with, I'm actually going to look for a therapist who can help me deal with those feelings of bitterness and resentment. So yeah, I'm ultimately a "glass half full" person and despite this residual issue that I've discovered about myself, I consider myself a positive person.
Thanks again to everyone who has (and who may yet) respond to this post. Especially those who respond with sensitivity, respect, and decency. There are lots of awesome, intelligent, considerate folks here. You've all convinced me to hang around on some of the non-luxury threads. I've always liked forums and really do like this community. So thank you all for that.
I think you're right, but I also think there's only so much someone can say in this situation! I doubt anyone is deliberately being dismissive.
That's a very human feeling. Over thirty years ago I stepped away from what would have been an extremely lucrative career to raise my children. I decided I couldn't do justice to both my family and the job at the same time, and my family had to come first. Unlike many parents though, I had the luxury of making that choice. I figured I would have time do "big things" when the kids were grown, but I haven't really. Do I regret it? Some days more than others, but I remind myself that I have a husband, children and now a grandchild who I love more than anything and love me in return, and that I am a good person. At the end of the day that is more important to me than anything else. But as you said, it is probably best that you work this out with the help of a therapist if you can't get past it on your own. I wish you well.
Not telling you "don't worry be happy / stop comparing" btw because I agree that's trite and comparison is totally natural- I'm technically a gen Zer so I'm aware and kind of jaded to social media stuff. Like I probably make way less than most here but I'm single and don't foresee owning a home anytime soon, so that lessens the guilt of my frivolous spending.
Tbh, if anything I've noticed people in my generation try to pretend they are poorer than they are (see: rich kids being "artsy" or pretending they don't have wealthy parents). Maybe that's part of why TPF doesn't affect me so much.
I prefer browsing TPF/other luxury related forums to Instagram, Tiktok and so on, because it's not focused so much on people's bodies and faces. It's way less detrimental to my self esteem because a modest collection of material goods feels way more attainable than, idk, being built like Em Rata, or being in a healthy relationship - sorry i'm being bleak about my own life here haha. Investing in fashion is a way easier confidence booster than buying myself a new face, way more accessible than some nebulous idea of "following my dreams" - isn't this the gist of retail therapy for many of us
I don't want to step on any of the more affluent people's toes here so pls no one take this personally. But also, regarding feeling bad about not reaching your "potential" - a vast majority of the people with enviable levels of affluence acquired their wealth through either pure luck or they acquired their wealth in less than savory ways. I don't even mean to an extreme degree. Just that I don't imagine a majority of the luxury consumer market is comprised of life-saving heart surgeons and their wives yk. Which is all FINE and dandy btw before anyone comes for me, I'm no class warrior and best believe I'd marry an oil sheikh or a-hole finance bro in a heart beat if I had the opportunity to lol. But seriously it has nothing to do with you not trying hard enough.
Tbh, if anything I've noticed people in my generation try to pretend they are poorer than they are (see: rich kids being "artsy" or pretending they don't have wealthy parents). Maybe that's part of why TPF doesn't affect me so much.
I prefer browsing TPF/other luxury related forums to Instagram, Tiktok and so on, because it's not focused so much on people's bodies and faces. It's way less detrimental to my self esteem because a modest collection of material goods feels way more attainable than, idk, being built like Em Rata, or being in a healthy relationship - sorry i'm being bleak about my own life here haha. Investing in fashion is a way easier confidence booster than buying myself a new face, way more accessible than some nebulous idea of "following my dreams" - isn't this the gist of retail therapy for many of us
I don't want to step on any of the more affluent people's toes here so pls no one take this personally. But also, regarding feeling bad about not reaching your "potential" - a vast majority of the people with enviable levels of affluence acquired their wealth through either pure luck or they acquired their wealth in less than savory ways. I don't even mean to an extreme degree. Just that I don't imagine a majority of the luxury consumer market is comprised of life-saving heart surgeons and their wives yk. Which is all FINE and dandy btw before anyone comes for me, I'm no class warrior and best believe I'd marry an oil sheikh or a-hole finance bro in a heart beat if I had the opportunity to lol. But seriously it has nothing to do with you not trying hard enough.
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Funny my daughter also wanted a designer backpack to take to college so I got her a pre-owned Louis Vuitton. She puts that LV in the back seat of her car to go on a hike and guess what? Of course, car broken into backpack gone! Her next college "designer" bag was a knock-off. Less stress for her and me!
I really like this forum for the honest reviews on designer bags. The posts on here seem much more reliable than the reviews on the designers websites. This forum has saved me $$$ from buying a bag that I didn't need!
Or, you don’t know if they’re swimming in debt. I’ve seen people give advice when they themselves fall into the ok’ “those who can’t do, teach.”
Eg a personal fitness getting lipo. someone giving financial advice but had cc debt (and let’s be honest, that’s fueled by luxury goods). life coach that doesn’t disclose the windfall that allowed them to “make it”, etc etc.
Afford what you can, and if you want more, find ways to achieve. It may not be easy, but I guarantee you it’s that much more satisfying to buy with funds that you put sweat, blood and tears into getting.
I've noticed this, too. I'm a millennial, but I've definitely seen so many people cosplaying some romantic version of poverty (like Rent is an aesthetic or something).
And no sales BS! No one's offering me a promo code alongside a half-assed dance and I appreciate that.
As a family friend calls it, "The lucky sperm club."
Yup!! i'm 90% here to read straightforward thoughts & reviews, and zero clout games or secret marketing like IG/TT and even youtube to some extent