We do exactly this in my house both for my luxury and beauty items. As long as I don’t go over that amount, it’s business what I buy. While my husband wouldn’t dream of spending what I do on some items he understands that it makes me happy and it’s within the agreed upon amount and budget overall.
How to handle an unsupportive husband
- Thread starter floormonsterthom
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We do exactly this in my house both for my luxury and beauty items. As long as I don’t go over that amount, it’s business what I buy. While my husband wouldn’t dream of spending what I do on some items he understands that it makes me happy and it’s within the agreed upon amount and budget overall.
You’ve definitely explained it properly!It’s a great idea, but it’s so hard to explain - it’s not so much the money that’s the issue with my husband, it’s literally the act of acquiring possessions that aren’t needed.
He’s such a minimalist, hates any sort of clutter, and doesn’t really spend discretionary money on anything, (well, aside from coffee!)
I definitely think he’d look more favourably on preloved items, but his overall issue is going to be with the physical acquiring of the bags themselves, rather than budgeting etc.
Honestly, at this point I’m thinking I’ll need to just stick to mini bags / SLGs to curb my bag cravings, and will literally need to hide them in my wardrobe and switch them once I’ve left the house. Does that sound absolutely insane?? I just can’t think of any other way around it.
Very interesting question.
Presumably your husband knew who he would be marrying when he married you. I wouldn't let him take things too seriously and that's my point. You shouldn't take his 'minimalism' too seriously either otherwise it's a control issue.. If you spend your money on a hobby you can afford then why should it bother him so much? You're not telling him to go out and buy bags. What would you use to carry things all day in if not in a bag? So long as you can keep your bags in your closet (or your side of the closet) and don't endlessly collect it should be no big deal.
One thing that I've had some success with is to set up Money Dates. Dress up, get a sitter (if needed) and plan for good food. Make sure you have all your financial papers together. Establish an agenda (at least for the first couple). And then, over your date, talk about your money as a couple.
Once a year, establish goals. In subsequent months, check in with each other, and set up mini-goals for the upcoming month. If there's anything that really bothers you - add it to the agenda. If there is anything that is a "look, i'm buying it and you can get over it" item, then make sure you have a fair distribution of income and that both people feel like they are content. For example, one annual goal could be to establish two "fun money" accounts, and things like his coffee, or a significantly more expensive meal, or wardrobe budget can come out of "fun money."
Sample Agenda:
Old Business:
- State of the Accounts
- Annual Goal Review
- Monthly Goal Review
- Biggest money successes
New Business:
-What goals for the upcoming month.
- Are the annual goals still attainable and something we should pursue.
Action items:
- Decide on simple steps to accomplish monthly goals. Assign those steps to each party.
Once a year, establish goals. In subsequent months, check in with each other, and set up mini-goals for the upcoming month. If there's anything that really bothers you - add it to the agenda. If there is anything that is a "look, i'm buying it and you can get over it" item, then make sure you have a fair distribution of income and that both people feel like they are content. For example, one annual goal could be to establish two "fun money" accounts, and things like his coffee, or a significantly more expensive meal, or wardrobe budget can come out of "fun money."
Sample Agenda:
Old Business:
- State of the Accounts
- Annual Goal Review
- Monthly Goal Review
- Biggest money successes
New Business:
-What goals for the upcoming month.
- Are the annual goals still attainable and something we should pursue.
Action items:
- Decide on simple steps to accomplish monthly goals. Assign those steps to each party.
Not sure if this might work for you, but it certainly does for us. Whatever income I have coming in monthly. (I am the breadwinner) I pay our bills, put aside whatever we need to for cap gains, property taxes, etc and then we split whatever is leftover. Neither one of us is allowed to comment or have an opinion on the way we spend our stash. If we get a big sale of property or something, same thing, we split. He might go blow on golf trips or at the casino and I will go shopping for bags, shoes, furniture, cars, jewelry whatever. Since we have both said goodbye to that money, there is no emotional attachment to it. If he threw it in the disposal, it would not affect me, b/c it's his to do with what he pleases. BUT it does allow us to come together and say, what did you go blow yours on? Makes for fun, non-judgmental conversation about fun purchases and also stupid mistakes without having to have some kind of presentation ready to elicit a desired response or tolerance.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Personally, I wouldn't be with a person like that. If your husband respects you, he should not treat you like a child by saying your wants are unreasonable just because he's frugal. My husband is very very frugal, grew up in Asia to working-class parents and worked very hard to get to where he is now. However, he has absolutely no issues with my buying whatever I want now that we can afford it.
You could tell your husband that LV has good resell value. Make a deal with him, the bags that you no longer want or plan to use you will resell them to finance another purchase that way he can try to understand that buying quality bags is more like an investment than buying less expensive bags also try to keep bag buying down to a minimum until he calms down about it.
Its your money too. You are working hard and earning money too.
Dont let him control you. Its your life and your priorities and happiness matters.
Although my bf doesnt like me getting expensive things, we talk and I tell him what I want. Using his money and being dependent on the guy would be one thing but here, you are earning and its your money too. I use the same reasoning with my bf.
Dont let him control you. Its your life and your priorities and happiness matters.
Although my bf doesnt like me getting expensive things, we talk and I tell him what I want. Using his money and being dependent on the guy would be one thing but here, you are earning and its your money too. I use the same reasoning with my bf.
I'd love an update from OP and others who commented on this thread their SO's aren't supportive of their luxury purchases.
Hope everyone is staying safe and well!
Hope everyone is staying safe and well!
Just saw this thread. I'm the complete 180. I actually encourage my wife to collect bags. She feels they're wayyyy too much money so I have to buy them for her lol. Of course I have my own weaknesses, watches, stereo, cameras...but it's all good. Bills are paid and money in the bank. YOLO.
I hope the OP was able to sort it out. Life is too short, enjoy it.
I hope the OP was able to sort it out. Life is too short, enjoy it.
My DH is the same as you and I've very grateful. He too has his own spending hobbies and he fully supports my indulgences. It makes me sad to hear others SO's aren't supportive as long as the purchaser is spending within the family means.
Life is too short to live by the rules of others especially if it makes you unhappy.
All I‘ve heard you say and worry about is his happiness and how he will feel about doing something you choose to do although you work and make your own money but he does not seem to worry about how you feel about his decision or if it will make you happy. No relationship, married or not, is only about one person’s approval and happiness. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor in ways that are enjoyable to you and should enjoy the fruits of his labor that are acceptable to him.
This reminds me of the thread where the poster asked if it was okay to wear her luxury bags on dates and I said a hell yeah at the screen lol. Never try to hide who you are. Anyone in your life should love and accept all of you even if they don’t agree.
I had a friend that would sneak purchases in her house so her husband wouldn’t see and I told her she was crazy. I would never go to such extremes if I worked and contributed to the household. He also never hid the electronic purchases from her because he simply didn’t care what she thought. We all have our vices, your husband’s vice is saving (he indeed has a vice). It is important to understand the needs of each other and compromise. He should not be able to dictate money you work for if you are contributing to the household, which includes savings. Don’t ever be afraid to stand up for yourself and your needs.
All I‘ve heard you say and worry about is his happiness and how he will feel about doing something you choose to do although you work and make your own money but he does not seem to worry about how you feel about his decision or if it will make you happy. No relationship, married or not, is only about one person’s approval and happiness. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor in ways that are enjoyable to you and should enjoy the fruits of his labor that are acceptable to him.
This reminds me of the thread where the poster asked if it was okay to wear her luxury bags on dates and I said a hell yeah at the screen lol. Never try to hide who you are. Anyone in your life should love and accept all of you even if they don’t agree.
I had a friend that would sneak purchases in her house so her husband wouldn’t see and I told her she was crazy. I would never go to such extremes if I worked and contributed to the household. He also never hid the electronic purchases from her because he simply didn’t care what she thought. We all have our vices, your husband’s vice is saving (he indeed has a vice). It is important to understand the needs of each other and compromise. He should not be able to dictate money you work for if you are contributing to the household, which includes savings. Don’t ever be afraid to stand up for yourself and your needs.
Seems like he is really worried that he can’t provide you with nice things so he tempers you’re expectations buy painting those that do as villainous or problematic hoping it will make you less likely to want or expect them.
Are there materialistic people? Yeah! Can the love of money be the root of evil doings? Absolutely! But this is not everyone so he such not paint with such a broad brush. I would respect it more if he could afford it and felt this way but since he can’t it comes off as a little envious and for lack of a better word, haterish.
You need to think how important being accepted and loved in spite of differences between the two of you is important to you. I’m sure you don’t agree with everything about him either but your loved supersedes that. Good luck! It’s such a tough predicament.
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Thank you for your answer
.It’s not really the money that bothers him (he has actually a lot more than I do, he could effort buying luxury easily). It’s more like being ok with spending so much money on THINGS. Very hard to explain and to understand
. He is afraid that I want more and more. I sold several of my flashy LV bags, not because of him, I live in a small city now and I hate it that some of my bags catch everyone’s eye. I don’t regret it by any means. He was very surprised that I did that and even said that maybe I should buy another LV bag instead!! I guess he pigeonholed me. Sometimes he is even happy, when I buy something new from a designer. Maybe this opened his eyes 
.
This must be so hard for you, I’m so sorry. We don’t have a lot of money but our bills are paid, we have some savings, and emergency fund. My husband loves sports, I mean he tapes the games rewatches them, he knows all about the players, how much they make, what their wives look like etc ... you get the point. Purses are like that for me, I like to research them, look for reviews, buy preowned, ( I have an awesome Coach collection and gust got my 2nd LV!) This is my thing, I like to do what I’m doing now sharing with other ladies about bags. If this is the case for you, try to explain it to him. My husband didn’t understand at first, until he realized bags for ladies = sports for men. Now not only does he get it but teases me sometimes when we are watching tv “ what kind of bag is that?” So maybe if he understood it was a hobby that you enjoyed he would be ok with it. If not I recommend some kind of therapy, maybe it’s more a control thing or something else?? I know what starts out trying to make someone else happy only leads to resentment . You work hard and deserve to be happy and not feel guilty being you. I hope things work out for you!
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Were in a similar boat. My husband is anxious about spending money and would rather see numbers in the bank.
My most recent purchase was a Polene. Not super $, but not a small amount. I always tell/ ask when I purchase something over 200$. He did the usual moaning. I think it finally resonated with him when, even while understanding this would cause is no financial strife, I finally explained to him this long process of moaning and *****ing steals my joy. He felt bad. He has actual changed a little bit. I think if a partner continues knowing how Their actions make you feel, thats a problem separate from actually spending money.
Its not shallow to want things. If material objects truly didn't matter we’d all wear potato sacks and carry our things in used grocery bags.
My most recent purchase was a Polene. Not super $, but not a small amount. I always tell/ ask when I purchase something over 200$. He did the usual moaning. I think it finally resonated with him when, even while understanding this would cause is no financial strife, I finally explained to him this long process of moaning and *****ing steals my joy. He felt bad. He has actual changed a little bit. I think if a partner continues knowing how Their actions make you feel, thats a problem separate from actually spending money.
Its not shallow to want things. If material objects truly didn't matter we’d all wear potato sacks and carry our things in used grocery bags.