How to handle an unsupportive husband

[vintagefinds]

Boy, this is a tough one. Because it sounds like his objection is not the cost or money spent on the item but the existence of the item in your life at all. It does not sound like he would want you to have the bag if it wer'e free. Fun money is a great idea and compromise for couples, but it does require both partners agree that the other should be allowed, in fact, to have fun. If it were just about minimalism, he would be ok with you replacing your current bags with other, nicer bags. That does not seem to be the case. I think there's a bit of a self-righteousness streak here. Anti-materialism can be as obnoxious as materialism if carried to the extreme.

Is he planning on saving money to no end? If you have a house, emergency savings, retirement, college fund, ect. planned for, what is the goal of this mound of cash? Why is it ok for him to buy pricey coffee but you can't have bags? That coffee adds up. $5 each day at Starbucks and you've got a LV every year. And what's next? You're a professional woman. You need to look nice and project a certain image. That does not mean LV, but I would worry he is going to carry this holier-than-thou attitude to nice clothing and shoes next. Now is the time to have this conversation, even if it winds up being a fight. Marriage is long. Get it settled now.

Sorry I don't have more advice for you. Best of luck.

 

[leechiyong]

I wouldn't recommend hiding it or lying about it. That doesn't bode well for anything.

Did you ever discuss your desire for these things previously? I can see him being upset and feeling deceived if you hadn’t. It seems like he made his viewpoint clearly from the beginning, so to find out you aren’t in alignment will cause strife.

So the question becomes, where do you go from here? I would suggest talking to him and working out the specifics of what your financial goals are as a couple and what it will take to get there. I'd explain that as long you're staying on track to reach these financial goals that you'd like to occasionally have these expenditures that bring you joy.

 

[Prettyvogue]

I would sit down with him and address it head on. You are a grown professional woman who financially contributes to the household and you should be allowed to have your discretionary purchases, as long as you can afford them and are being reasonable (which it sounds like you are)! I do not think he should be able to police your occasional bag purchase, unless it is negatively impacting your joint savings goals etc.

This honestly seems like controlling behaviour on his part, whether or not he intends it to come across that way. I recommend you continue to work and have your own financial accounts to maintain your financial independence.

 

[remainsilly]

Well, for years & years, Man in my life gave motor vehicle opinions:
"What you need is a volvo station wagon!"
Apparently, were practical. Or something.
I had different opinions.
To this day, never owned a volvo station.

He still cannot understand or support several of my ideas.
And flat-out refused to paint dining room blue.
Yet, it's blue.

Guess my point is this:
opinions don't need support to be true for you.
And lack of support does not imprison.
(Now, if there's viciousness, irresponsibility or outright violent crazy in relationship--that's different. Uncool.)

But not listening is an option for healthy people. I miss hearing lots of opinions, then move on.
Eventually, acceptance happens.

 

[Cloudburst2000]

Question...is he a money-hoarder? Does he just want to save and save and save and never spend money on anything? If so, tell him that money-hoarding never makes anyone happy. I saw it with my mom and step-father. He was a money-hoarder and wanted to save everything. My mom worked too, but my step-father made much much more money than she did. Anyhoo, my mom and step-father never even went on ANY nice trips together because according to my step-father traveling was also a waste of money. My mom loved him but in many ways she was pretty miserable in her life because she could never spend money on anything that wasn't a 'necessity' or there would be a huge argument. When my step-father passed away, guess what? He couldn't take any of that money he had hoarded with him into the grave. It went to my mom and his three kids (my half-brother and two step-siblings). Now, my mom has actually had the chance to do a bit of traveling... too bad he was such a penny-pincher that he couldn't enjoy the trips with her. So hoarding money never helps anything (if that is what your husband is doing). Yes, paying bills and saving is very important but you don't have to save every single little cent. Use some of it for fun or things that make you happy. Your marriage will likely be much happier in the long run...take it from experience.

 

[kbell]

Question...is he a money-hoarder? Does he just want to save and save and save and never spend money on anything? If so, tell him that money-hoarding never makes anyone happy. I saw it with my mom and step-father. He was a money-hoarder and wanted to save everything. My mom worked too, but my step-father made much much more money than she did. Anyhoo, my mom and step-father never even went on ANY nice trips together because according to my step-father traveling was also a waste of money. My mom loved him but in many ways she was pretty miserable in her life because she could never spend money on anything that wasn't a 'necessity' or there would be a huge argument. When my step-father passed away, guess what? He couldn't take any of that money he had hoarded with him into the grave. It went to my mom and his three kids (my half-brother and two step-siblings). Now, my mom has actually had the chance to do a bit of traveling... too bad he was such a penny-pincher that he couldn't enjoy the trips with her. So hoarding money never helps anything (if that is what your husband is doing). Yes, paying bills and saving is very important but you don't have to save every single little cent. Use some of it for fun or things that make you happy. Your marriage will likely be much happier in the long run...take it from experience.

This sounds like my parents. Save save save. Never vacationed anywhere but local camping with us kids. Then my Dad got sick & passed away & my mom is too old to travel or do anything really “fun” so she’s sitting on a ton of useless $. I really wish they would have enjoyed life more instead. It makes me very sad.

 

[Cloudburst2000]

This sounds like my parents. Save save save. Never vacationed anywhere but local camping with us kids. Then my Dad got sick & passed away & my mom is too old to travel or do anything really “fun” so she’s sitting on a ton of useless $. I really wish they would have enjoyed life more instead. It makes me very sad.

My sister, brother, and I told my mom to travel after my step-father passed away. We don't need or want the inheritance. She should spend the money on herself while she has some time. She hasn't traveled out of the country which she has never had the desire to do. She has visited places in the US that she has always wanted to see...the Grand Canyon, Yosemite National Park, Niagara Falls, New York City (especially Broadway), etc.

 

[Amazona]

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones because the BF (well, might as well be my husband because we live together) never complains about my purchases. We have a joint account that we each "feed" every month and that's where rent, utilities and groceries are paid out of. Other than that, my money is mine and I do what I want with it - and also he gets to do what he wants with his money (usually he is out buying stuff to repair his car or new tires or lord knows what else).

I think one of the things that makes my purchases acceptable to him is the fact that I almost always buy second hand. He knows I'm not wasting money but making smart decisions, doing my research and getting things I need.

Second hand/preloved is a good way to get great deals, maybe OP's hubby will look at things differently if he sees this?

Anyway, I think an open discussion would be in place. Tell him honestly how you feel. Men usually aren't the ones to make a fuss of clothes or accessories etc so it's kinda understandable that he might not see things the same way as you, regardless of his upbringing. Do you think you could persuade him into making a deal? I mean, would he think better of your purchases if you made a deal that you'd put money into investments or a savings account whenever you buy a bag, as in if you buy a 500 dollar bag you'd also make a 500 dollar deposit to a savings account or buy stock or something that would also make money in the long run?

 

[floormonsterthom]

How about the standard little white lie of "Oh this old thing? I've had it for years"!!

Ugh, I WISH!!! Unfortunately he is extremely observant and I could never get away with that!!

 

[floormonsterthom]

Question...is he a money-hoarder? Does he just want to save and save and save and never spend money on anything? If so, tell him that money-hoarding never makes anyone happy. I saw it with my mom and step-father. He was a money-hoarder and wanted to save everything. My mom worked too, but my step-father made much much more money than she did. Anyhoo, my mom and step-father never even went on ANY nice trips together because according to my step-father traveling was also a waste of money. My mom loved him but in many ways she was pretty miserable in her life because she could never spend money on anything that wasn't a 'necessity' or there would be a huge argument. When my step-father passed away, guess what? He couldn't take any of that money he had hoarded with him into the grave. It went to my mom and his three kids (my half-brother and two step-siblings). Now, my mom has actually had the chance to do a bit of traveling... too bad he was such a penny-pincher that he couldn't enjoy the trips with her. So hoarding money never helps anything (if that is what your husband is doing). Yes, paying bills and saving is very important but you don't have to save every single little cent. Use some of it for fun or things that make you happy. Your marriage will likely be much happier in the long run...take it from experience.

I think he is just stockpiling, to a degree. He’s not a “scrooge”, but he certainly does just save and save pretty much all of his earnings and in my opinion definitely doesn’t treat himself enough OR make the most of our financial situation.
But again, he’d spend money on things he perceives to be valuable, i.e. a particular experience. He just doesn’t value material positions. He uses a secondhand iPhone, doesn’t have many clothes (he is very neat and well presentable, but with minimal choices). He has struggled a little with all of the presents and objects that come along with having a child!
He is like the poster boy for Marie Kondo, haha. This is the crux of my dilemma.

 

[floormonsterthom]

hahhah.....honestly, no..... says me who is currently trying to keep DH's eyes away from all the parcels arriving! I've been hiding my H boxes in my office/study (where DH doesn't really go).

Sounds like there are two issues, or maybe more....
1. The money - which isn't really the issue (or can be sorted with a budget)
2. The acquisition of things - which can be further broken down into materialism vs clutter. And I make that distinction because they are different....

I *hate* clutter. I was always super organised at work and still am (have I mentioned my spreadsheet of H scarves? ). The acquisition of things is entirely different. Things don't need to necessarily serve a purpose beyond being beautiful and providing us pleasure. DH doesn't understand why I buy (collect) H scarves - his quote the other night was along the lines that 'something costing $2 from spotlight would be just as good'. BUT after a number of years together we have learnt that we are just different in different ways - our core values are the same, and we want the same things out of life (which is why we are together). I'm just going to be doing that wearing an H scarf

It's maybe time to have a blunt conversation with DH about life, who you are as a woman and that buying a 'little bit of luxury' is how we 'self care'. I honestly don't think there is nothing wrong with a professional woman paying her way through life (mortgage/rent, bills etc) and using the leftover funds to do whatever (insert your "vice" here; mine are rescue cats & H scarves ).

Sometimes, I also think that it's just a simple reality that some men don't understand that - my DH doesn't get it as his upbringing was quite different to mine... Your DH's views on life will definitely be influenced by his upbringing up the benefit of ageing is that we get to experience different aspects/views/experiences of life - help him to embrace those. With my DH, I was the first person to ever buy him something designer - he never thought he was worth it...

I love this response and you’ve given me some things to think about. I need to somehow make him understand this.

 

[BagsNBaguettes]

That coffee adds up. $5 each day at Starbucks and you've got a LV every year.

If you have a house, emergency savings, retirement, college fund, ect. planned for, what is the goal of this mound of cash?

Second hand/preloved is a good way to get great deals, maybe OP's hubby will look at things differently if he sees this?

I mean, would he think better of your purchases if you made a deal that you'd put money into investments or a savings account whenever you buy a bag, as in if you buy a 500 dollar bag you'd also make a 500 dollar deposit to a savings account or buy stock or something that would also make money in the long run?

I would sit down with him and bring aaaaalllllllllll of this up with him. It sounds like he has a borderline obsession with it and, speaking as someone who has seen it happen to others, it can permanently damage a relationship if not outright end it. Perhaps a session with a counselor/therapist would be in order as well?

 

[floormonsterthom]

Boy, this is a tough one. Because it sounds like his objection is not the cost or money spent on the item but the existence of the item in your life at all. It does not sound like he would want you to have the bag if it wer'e free. Fun money is a great idea and compromise for couples, but it does require both partners agree that the other should be allowed, in fact, to have fun. If it were just about minimalism, he would be ok with you replacing your current bags with other, nicer bags. That does not seem to be the case. I think there's a bit of a self-righteousness streak here. Anti-materialism can be as obnoxious as materialism if carried to the extreme.

Is he planning on saving money to no end? If you have a house, emergency savings, retirement, college fund, ect. planned for, what is the goal of this mound of cash? Why is it ok for him to buy pricey coffee but you can't have bags? That coffee adds up. $5 each day at Starbucks and you've got a LV every year. And what's next? You're a professional woman. You need to look nice and project a certain image. That does not mean LV, but I would worry he is going to carry this holier-than-thou attitude to nice clothing and shoes next. Now is the time to have this conversation, even if it winds up being a fight. Marriage is long. Get it settled now.

Sorry I don't have more advice for you. Best of luck.

You are spot on. Even if the bags were cheap, he’d have an issue. It just doesn’t help that I’m trying to collect material objects that ALSO cost hundreds (well, let’s be real - thousands!!!) of dollars.
But I LOVE what you’ve said about the anti-materialism potentially being obnoxious. My husband is a great guy, but I’d say this is his biggest flaw and I think he at times definitely crosses over into obnoxious territory with this issue. He struggles to accept my make up and cosmetics, is always complaining that my wardrobe is too full - it’s an ongoing issue. And to clarify, my cosmetics and wardrobe are completely within the realm of reasonable and normal. He’s never lived with a woman before prior to meeting me and I don’t think he understands that on the scale of things I’m actually prettty damn reasonable.

 

[EdnaMode]

May I recommend watching some Dave Ramsey youtube videos together? Sounds like you two are very responsible and DR does a really good job in explaining once you get to a certain level of comfort, how to "ENJOY" your money. Your happiness is just as important as his and hopefully you can find a happy place for both of you. He actually says "buy that ridiculous purse that your wife wants" and I just died laughing. I don't know you and I'm not trying to push his agenda or religion etc but sounds like your husband might need an outside force that is not emotionally attached to this issue to shed some reasonableness and common sense to the discussion. Sometimes, people who come from hardworking family background need to be reminded that they have done a good job and they will continue to thrive in the future. Good luck, I think you two will be even stronger once you get through this challenge. Hugs to you!

 

[floormonsterthom]

I wouldn't recommend hiding it or lying about it. That doesn't bode well for anything.

Did you ever discuss your desire for these things previously? I can see him being upset and feeling deceived if you hadn’t. It seems like he made his viewpoint clearly from the beginning, so to find out you aren’t in alignment will cause strife.

Oh, it was definitely discussed!! He’s known about my love of bags since we met, but I guess at the same time, my interest in premier designer bags has only come about in the last few years as a result of them now being attainable for me.