How to handle an unsupportive husband

[QuelleFromage]

This sentence stands out to me in your post. Do you have separate pots of "play money" for each one of you? Or is just all in the same pot and each spend on what they want?

If you don't already. I suggest that you come up with a number for your "play money" and talk it out with your husband, and then pull that money into a saving account. It has to be a number that you are both comfortable about, and some what equal taken any earning discrepancies into consideration, and that you both get to keep/spend that, no questions ask.

Once you have that agreement, start saving towards the bag that you want. When you buy it, you will feel great. You are going to be excited to share the news and waiting for it to arrive. Let your husband ask questions - if he sees that you've putting work towards it, he might still wince (mine does), and asking questions like "why do you need a bag this expensive" but there shouldn't be a sense of "will never be okay with it". Show him pictures, talk about how you researched everything from the size to the material to all the pros/cons that are mentioned on the internet. How you waited and now that it is happening, you can't wait to use it. If you are not excited about it and wanted to exchange it for something else, tell him too.

May you get your dream bag and use it in good health. Good luck.

This is great advice.

Honestly, you and your wonderful hubby have different attitudes toward both money and ‘things’. No one is ‘wrong’ here...just different. If you can both get there and accept that , that is ideal.
You’re an adult professional woman and if you love beautiful things and you can afford them, you should have them.
I would talk honestly with DH and not feel as though he is ‘in the right’ and you must ‘justify’ - you have different feelings, however deeply held, about material things, and again, you are just as ‘right’ as he is.
If you can’t understand each other on this, that’s ok. You just need to agree to accept the difference. Carving out individual financial buckets for personal enjoyment that can’t be questioned is likely the best path here.

 

[A1aGypsy]

I agree with pretty vogue. A relationship is about compromise and partnership not dictation. People’s priorities and interests are entitled to change.

He is entitled to dislike the materialism or consumerism that he connects to a collection of handbags but, unless your hobby is detrimental to your family in some way, he is not entitled to belittle your choice or dictate your choices. HE likes the minimalist lifestyle. It doesn’t make it the only option or the right one.

 

[ccbaggirl89]

There is a lot of room for compromise if you sit down and talk it through. His desire to be a minimalist doesn't ***** your desire to be professional and have things an adult woman often wants. Be honest with yourself, too - will you stop at 2, 3, or even 4 luxury bags? You can see on these threads that many women get out of control with spending and buying new bags so if you manage to work out a compromise with your husband part of that - for you - will likely be controlling that desire to acquire more and more and finding satisfaction in just a few nice bags. I don't think one a year is unreasonable at all, and you can make him aware that the item is something that goes down to your daughter, too.

 

[Kittey-Kat]

Boy, this is a tough one. Because it sounds like his objection is not the cost or money spent on the item but the existence of the item in your life at all. It does not sound like he would want you to have the bag if it wer'e free. Fun money is a great idea and compromise for couples, but it does require both partners agree that the other should be allowed, in fact, to have fun. If it were just about minimalism, he would be ok with you replacing your current bags with other, nicer bags. That does not seem to be the case. I think there's a bit of a self-righteousness streak here. Anti-materialism can be as obnoxious as materialism if carried to the extreme.

Is he planning on saving money to no end? If you have a house, emergency savings, retirement, college fund, ect. planned for, what is the goal of this mound of cash? Why is it ok for him to buy pricey coffee but you can't have bags? That coffee adds up. $5 each day at Starbucks and you've got a LV every year. And what's next? You're a professional woman. You need to look nice and project a certain image. That does not mean LV, but I would worry he is going to carry this holier-than-thou attitude to nice clothing and shoes next. Now is the time to have this conversation, even if it winds up being a fight. Marriage is long. Get it settled now.

Sorry I don't have more advice for you. Best of luck.

Yes!!! Exactly what you are saying

There is a spectrum from being materialistic to being obnoxiously anti-materialistic (I love that phrase!). Every person is on it somewhere. We all need to take personal responsibility and own up to ourselves (at least) where we lie on that spectrum! Self- awareness is the biggest asset everyone can have no matter what your profession (i.e. DH has a profession, so chats at home at self-awareness never go astray LOL).

I personally subscribe to the 'a coffee a day adds up philosophy' and that could be a good analogy to use with DH. While I don't know your DH - I would be starting to have those conversations about 'what if life for'. You mention a daughter (if I haven't got my posts confused). It's a good time to have conversations with him about how you want to raise her as well.... It might be that the real issue isn't about spending money on handbags, it's that you both need to talk about your ideals in life - so grab a bottle of wine, a cheese plate, whatever you both to do relax and talk....

 

[floormonsterthom]

May I recommend watching some Dave Ramsey youtube videos together? Sounds like you two are very responsible and DR does a really good job in explaining once you get to a certain level of comfort, how to "ENJOY" your money. Your happiness is just as important as his and hopefully you can find a happy place for both of you. He actually says "buy that ridiculous purse that your wife wants" and I just died laughing. I don't know you and I'm not trying to push his agenda or religion etc but sounds like your husband might need an outside force that is not emotionally attached to this issue to shed some reasonableness and common sense to the discussion. Sometimes, people who come from hardworking family background need to be reminded that they have done a good job and they will continue to thrive in the future. Good luck, I think you two will be even stronger once you get through this challenge. Hugs to you!

Oh wow, I will definitely see out the Dave Ramsey videos. Thank you so much for this great response and advice.

 

[floormonsterthom]

This is great advice.

Honestly, you and your wonderful hubby have different attitudes toward both money and ‘things’. No one is ‘wrong’ here...just different. If you can both get there and accept that , that is ideal.
You’re an adult professional woman and if you love beautiful things and you can afford them, you should have them.
I would talk honestly with DH and not feel as though he is ‘in the right’ and you must ‘justify’ - you have different feelings, however deeply held, about material things, and again, you are just as ‘right’ as he is.
If you can’t understand each other on this, that’s ok. You just need to agree to accept the difference. Carving out individual financial buckets for personal enjoyment that can’t be questioned is likely the best path here.

Thank you for this. So far it’s definitely been me trying to justify my position. I can see it’s time to start reframing the situation in a different light.

 

[EdnaMode]

Reading some of these posts about money hoarders makes me feel a little bit sad. @Cloudburst2000 @kbell

Money is worth something bc we are able to exchange goods and services with them. Otherwise it's just paper. (clearly it's obvious to all of us in this forum) I hope the surviving spouses are able to enjoy them with whatever time they have.

 

[Amazona]

He’s never lived with a woman before prior to meeting me and I don’t think he understands that on the scale of things I’m actually prettty damn reasonable.

Just show him the best bits of the Handbag Showcase forum and he'll quickly understand!

 

[ap.]

I think the issue really isn't about money or bags or materialism, but the fact that your husband won't even consider compromising on something that you've told him makes you happy. It's very controlling and unhealthy. You need to address this. I hope he's not as rigid in other aspects of your relationship.

 

[gburgnicole]

I understand your situation because my husband doesn't like my expensive handbags either. He was very shocked when I bought my first Louis Vuitton and he heard how much it cost. He also is very frugal, and quite frankly, so am I about most things. I can honestly say that handbags are my true "splurge" in life.
I agree with the poster above who suggested that you both have money set aside to do what you want with that is set aside from each of your salaries. Sit down and draw up a budget. My husband and I have a joint account for household bills and bills related to our son that we contribute to. We decided on how much each of us would contribute each month. The rest we keep in an individual account. We both have our own individual accounts that we do with as we want. We use them to buy each other gifts and for our own splurges. For me its handbags and for him its video games. And if one of us doesn't want to spend our "play" money, then that's fine and we put it in savings. There are months when I spend my money and months I put it in savings. Ditto for him.
As long as you don't have debt and are saving you should be allowed to spend your money as you want.
I would say that unless we had a decent amount of savings as well as a retirement account neither of us would be splurging on anything.

 

[floormonsterthom]

Just show him the best bits of the Handbag Showcase forum and he'll quickly understand!

Haha!!!

 

[floormonsterthom]

I think the issue really isn't about money or bags or materialism, but the fact that your husband won't even consider compromising on something that you've told him makes you happy. It's very controlling and unhealthy. You need to address this. I hope he's not as rigid in other aspects of your relationship.

I think you’re right, and I think this is something he will need to learn to compromise on. I guess it’s easy to feel in the wrong when you’re trying to justify buying bags you don’t really “need” at insanely high prices. But at the end of the day if that’s my one passion / vice and I’m earning my own money and can afford to buy them within reason, I’m realising now that he will need to accept it.

 

[djfmn]

We have a budget and use YNAB app for our house hold budget. We both get a monthly spending allowance as part of the budget. All expenses are entered into the budget system. When we discussed the doing our budget using this system I thought it was a great way to manage our expenses and spending. Having said that one item I wanted was for each of us to have a monthly spending allowance the amount we be both agreed upon. This allowance is for both of us to buy the things or enjoy the experieces we want as individuals. If I want a facial or want to save my allowance for a number of months to buy a bag I can using my allowance. It has been the best way for us to avoid what you are dealing with. I don't ask him what he spends his allowance on and he doesn't ask me. He knows handbags are something I save for and buy with my allowance. It works really well I never have to justify what I am buying he knows it comes out of my allowance money. I personally highly recommend both of you having some system like this. It has been the perfect solution for us.

 

[MaggieAnn]

Hi to the Forum!

I‘d like to know did you manage to solve this problem with your husband? I just found this Thread and would have joined the discussion earlier.
I have a very similar problem with my soon-to-be husband. I can understand really every point you mention. My man is exactly the same.
We discussed this many times, but he still doesn‘t understand, that I buy handbags because I like them and not because I want to show off or maybe be someone I‘m not. All the reasons such as quality, looks, cost per ware don‘t count for him. He said that he is afraid, that someday, I could demand something from him, that he is not able to offer me (a luxurious house, jewelery etc.). I‘ve NEVER demanded anything from him, never. And I never will. But the most difficult thing is: He thinks people, who spend money in anything expensive, have a problem with themselves. He said that people, wo spend money on expensives things are bad people. I really don‘t know where this is coming from... his parents also never spend much money, but they are no hoarders either. They travel around a lot, by the way, the only reasonable thing to spend money on, in his view... although he likes cheap Journeys more.
He is a very honest, a really kind-hearted man. He is there for anybody who needs him. Everyone can always count on him. He works hard, has enough money to live and have fun. I love him from the bottom of my heart. But this one thing is really toxic..

(sorry if my English isn‘t the best. I‘m not a native speaker.)

 

[Etriers]

Hi to the Forum!

I‘d like to know did you manage to solve this problem with your husband? I just found this Thread and would have joined the discussion earlier.
I have a very similar problem with my soon-to-be husband. I can understand really every point you mention. My man is exactly the same.
We discussed this many times, but he still doesn‘t understand, that I buy handbags because I like them and not because I want to show off or maybe be someone I‘m not. All the reasons such as quality, looks, cost per ware don‘t count for him. He said that he is afraid, that someday, I could demand something from him, that he is not able to offer me (a luxurious house, jewelery etc.). I‘ve NEVER demanded anything from him, never. And I never will. But the most difficult thing is: He thinks people, who spend money in anything expensive, have a problem with themselves. He said that people, wo spend money on expensives things are bad people. I really don‘t know where this is coming from... his parents also never spend much money, but they are no hoarders either. They travel around a lot, by the way, the only reasonable thing to spend money on, in his view... although he likes cheap Journeys more.
He is a very honest, a really kind-hearted man. He is there for anybody who needs him. Everyone can always count on him. He works hard, has enough money to live and have fun. I love him from the bottom of my heart. But this one thing is really toxic..

(sorry if my English isn‘t the best. I‘m not a native speaker.)

You must have some shared interests and you must each have room to be yourselves and to grow. Work out a reasonable household budget now, with percentages for savings, food, vacations, household improvements, education, etc. BEFORE you get married.

Decide how much spending money of your own you will each have as a part of the household budget. You are each allowed to spend your allowance however you choose. If he cannot see the wisdom of this, I would think carefully about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man arguing, fighting and explaining because that will get old very fast.

P.S. Also, please make sure that you are clear with him (and yourself) about your expectations. Be your (real) self. If he wants to live a certain way and you don’t, don’t say you do. If he wants to travel and stay in hostels and you have no intention of ever doing that, don’t say you will. You get what you get, so if this isn’t what you want, the time to back out is now. Don’t marry him and then spend the rest of your life complaining or being unhappy or trying to change him.