Worst (racist) bag shaming from a "BFF"

[soramillay]

People on hard times or have never had money react differently when exposed to it. It sounds as if she liked one of your bags that might have been affordable to her. Encouraging her rather than trashing the MK brand might have sent the conversation in a different direction. If her ever owning an entry level purse isnt going to get respect from you, then a thousands dollar purse is a level to which she probably believes she cannot obtain. Consciously or not, she was going to defend her current position of not needing handbags.

Every person is different on how they react to comments on race and culture. It's either never say anything or expect the other person to respond when out of line and then learn.

If she is your BFF, you should (without accusation) explain to her how her words hurt you and made you feel. See how she reacts. She may not have realized she crossed a line in her opinions or that there was even a line she could cross that would make you drop her as a friend.

Friends dont have to like the same things or agree. She should be a friend because you care about each other and try to be honest and respect each other. While you feel she wasnt respectful, to not tell her how you feel isnt honest and talking about her to others isnt respectful. She might be a horrible person, but give her a fair chance to respond before writing her off.

Hopefully it was all a drunk misunderstanding.

This is actually a very wise response. Reading OP's post again, I can now see that perhaps she got defensive when you talked about appreciating quality at a certain point in life and felt like she needed to fight back against that point of view (maybe not jealousy but because it is far from reach currently). Still not good behavior but I think I can empathize a bit now.

 

[cat1967]

I am an Asian living in Paris and I experience this quite a lot - "you like shopping cuz you're asian" "you do this cuz you're asian" "you're like that cuz you're asian." One of my good friends who is europeans make a lot of these type of remarks that always takes me aback but I brush it off. I understand it more as ignorance than racism (you can only make sense of what you see and a lot of asians do line up outside of the lux stores in paris). My friend doesn't think she's better than me, and she respects me, and that's what matters to me the most.

If you don't think your friend respects you, and is mocking you or insulting you because of your race or habits, then yes, it's time to be rid of her.

I don't understand putting labels to people because of their place of birth or race. You are like this because you are Asian, you are like that because you are European or something else because you are American ... what does that have to do with anything. If you are Asian and you have enough to buy expensive stuff and you like fashion, good for you. I really don't get it.

 

[floatinglili]

Different culture does tend to develop in different places it is why we travel after all. So how to discuss without bringing race into it? If we can drop the baggage we can discuss culture and different perspectives.
Hope you weren't offended by my comments OP! I sincerely wish you all the best for your wedding, and also for your friendship.
Thank for starting the thread. It has really been an interesting discussion.

 

[ruox1]

Ps: probably not helpful to invoke a 'dumb white supremacist' racist stereotype not fair either is it.

If your friend came from same country / genetic background she might try to explain her disapproval in terms of being brought up in the country not the city, or having frugal parents.
Rather than her judging you why not judge her for a bit and consider her culture. She comes from a country which has a fairly strong left- wing socialist slant, and flamboyant displays of wealth are generally frowned upon. Australians prefer 'experiences'. They are not exactly like the Europeans who revel in aesthetic beauty and wealth (as a generalisation lol).
Not your fault she's a yob with no finesse! *joke*

Your post really enlightened me, I even showed it to my fiancé yesterday, who is very into politics and cultural differences. He thinks the concept of 'race' should be diminished, as its outdated and often became a tool for judgment and social distinction, instead of an inspiration for embracing diversity.
I think I react very much to my friend's comments regarding "being Asian" or "adapting to European", is because she constantly makes fun of Chinese people (all these made in China and dog eating jokes), and sometimes say things like Asian girls like being pale because they're trying to be white. I had a double eyelid surgery, she also asked me why I wanted to be European by invasive procedures. I simply don't like to be commented like that and I've given up on saving her ignorance. I definitely am influenced by the society I am living in right now and my lifestyle changed dramatically compared to when I was young and living in China, and I am indeed getting a European passport because I don't like the political system back home. But I am not trying to be European. I prefer to be called international. It's a sensitive topic for me considering the difficulties I've encountered to integrate as a foreigner that looks more distinctively ethnic here.
That's why I appreciate your opinion that even if we share same ethnic background, this friend of mine might still use some of our other differences to express (indirectly) her own disagreements. This really helps me to get over her disrespectful comments. And I agree my joke about white supremacist is way over line.

 

[ruox1]

Different culture does tend to develop in different places it is why we travel after all. So how to discuss without bringing race into it? If we can drop the baggage we can discuss culture and different perspectives.
Hope you weren't offended by my comments OP! I sincerely wish you all the best for your wedding, and also for your friendship.
Thank for starting the thread. It has really been an interesting discussion.

It has become an interesting and intellectual discussion thanks to responses like yours! I definitely learnt something from what you said about Australian left-wing socialist views and how some people really dislike showing off fortune. (My friend supports socialism to an extended degree that I don't see realistic).
It's also cultural phenomenon where in Asia (especially the last two decades of China) more nouveau riche do use luxury goods as status symbols to distinguish themselves. And the trend that more and more higher end designers use minimal logos make sense in the more economically advanced regions - I know a lot of ladies here on TPF don't like to tote around their flashy big brands to some work environments. All these kinda remind me of Bourdieu's distinction theory where people use taste as a way to ignite social stratification.
Quite interesting topic to be honest, I am actually a cultural studies student so this fascinates me!

 

[platinum_babie]

I don't understand putting labels to people because of their place of birth or race. You are like this because you are Asian, you are like that because you are European or something else because you are American ... what does that have to do with anything. If you are Asian and you have enough to buy expensive stuff and you like fashion, good for you. I really don't get it.

I make an effort to try to understand why they think that way because if i don't, i would be a walking ball of anger. I believe that we all think like this once in a while (shortcuts) but you can use the shortcuts if they are useful but saying it out loud to someone, I haven't figured that one out yet either. I just try to chalk it up to the fact that it's lack of education and empathy towards other cultures.

 

[CassieH]

Have you been honest about how the comments have been bugging you?

I guess you have to decide if this friendship is going to completely decline or it is worth working on. I think intentions count for a lot, and the level of intended maliciousness should be taken into consideration.

 

[floatinglili]

Thanks so much for your positive comments Ruox!
Tbh your friend sounds like an Aussie bogan. Certainly not the most sophisticated person.
Another aspect to consider is Australian sense of humour. They can play with their friends in a rather rough 'poke fun' kind of way. Kind of like friendly name calling. Of course I don't know what is going on in your case, but that is a real aspect of Aussie culture among close friends.

 

[cat1967]

I make an effort to try to understand why they think that way because if i don't, i would be a walking ball of anger. I believe that we all think like this once in a while (shortcuts) but you can use the shortcuts if they are useful but saying it out loud to someone, I haven't figured that one out yet either. I just try to chalk it up to the fact that it's lack of education and empathy towards other cultures.

You are absolutely right. I couldn't agree more. Sometimes I feel like a ball of anger. You know people can be racists in so many different ways. I have felt badly about my acquisitions within my own family. I might have been angry but with time and thought I have managed to forgive them every time they try to make me feel bad. So I guess this goes even beyond races and cultures.

 

[Kittyrodriguez3]

This reminds me of a friend I had years ago who told me she finds it disgusting when women show any cleavage. Oddly enough, I have plenty of cleavage to show (and often do, nothing too revealing but you learn quickly when you have a big chest that trying to cover up too much just makes you look dumpy and fat).. And she had none. Flat as a board. At first her comment bothered me but as I get older I realize, people turn their noses up at what they can't have, or what's not an option for them. A different friend I had growing up would tell me I was too materialistic and owned so much "stuff"..
Now that she's an adult and living off her husband instead of relying on her stingy dad, she suddenly has lots of "stuff" too.. Much of it designer. Yes, your friend is right .. You could be spending the bag money on many other things. But who is she to judge your priorities or what makes you happy? I personally get nice bags and I travel, and since I don't make much money I don't save a lot, and I can't stay in luxurious hotels. But I make my compromises, and I love my life. You only live once as far as I know, and if having pretty handbags makes you a happier person and it's not taking food out of the mouths of your babies, I say go for it and ignore any judgmental comments.

 

[papertiger]

If she makes you uncomfortable about who you are or what you like then she really isn't a good friend is she? Maybe it's time to distant yourself from her if she upsets you this much.

I'm not Asian, but I come from a culture that is renowned for 'over-dressing' and I've endured comments (usually not aimed at me) that I've chosen to ignore from friends who have not realised when they talk about 'those people' they actually mean 'my people'. Many times I've heard the term 'Ghetto Gucci' too, not said with endearment but as an insult, so wrong on so many levels, where to even start :sunnies.

For those who advised you to ignore your remarks, I would say please do if you can . Though chiming with SpeedyJC's advice, remarks I've ignored, ring louder and louder in my ears as the years go by. I wish I'd at least argued. You must be true to yourself first, being nice to someone who you suspect does not respect you (or your family/culture) is not healthy, if this person has made you feel uncomfortable, confront them with how they make you feel or wave goodbye.

In the words of The Smiths famous 1984 song:

In my life, why do I smile
At people who I'd much rather kick in the eye ?

In my life, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?

The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now Lyrics | MetroLyrics
http://www.metrolyrics.com/heaven-knows-im-miserable-now-lyrics-the-smiths.html

 

[SpeedyJC]

wow! something like THIS would have offended me.

I think many watched too much Sopranos and assume Italian - Americans equal mob. My own boyfriend (at the time) asked me if my uncle was in the mob after seeing a home video. In the video me and my brother were playing tennis on his tennis court and that's when he asked me if my uncle was in the mafia. It was like he was saying that is the only way an Italian American could live in a nice house. I remember I joked and said "yeah my uncle is Don Corleone didn't you know that?"

Every culture has their stereotype though all we can do is try not to let it get the best of us.

 

[ASL4Allie]

I know I'm reading this late, but I would have retorted with, " some people waste all their money on vacations or backpacking across country when they could have bought a handbag! A handbag you can use daily. A memory is not reusable!

 

[floodette]

She mentions of this Indonesian guy who bought a luxurious brand of vacuum cleaner and how it broke.

Am Indonesian, and it's Indonesian thing (not the broke part thingy, though...). My European (mostly French) friends are often fondly chuckling over my habit to upgrade my phone, and I chuckled fondly also on their 'old' phones. Nothing serious, really.

 

[Manelieht]

German here so that counts as European

I have lots of bags...over 20 for sure. Most contemporary designers. I haven't been bag shamed yet but if that would happen...I know that at the end of the day I am still more frugal money wise than most.

My sister carries one cheap plastic bag, but goes out every weekend (often parties so costly), pays money for fitness, getting nails done, travels more and more expensive trips etc. It totally results in the same spending. I just have different priorities.

Really it is everyones private business. You would not shame a friend for trips to a Spa or Gym....travel?