Will & Grace

#16
Lyle: I don't know why I slept so late. The last thing I remember is eating that oatmeal cookie.
Karen: Oh. Rosie puts roofies in them. I hate raisins.
Lyle: Anyway, I'm sorry I passed out. I was looking forward to making love to you.
Karen: Oh, you did.



Will: (knocking on Zandra's door) Hellooo.
Grace: Why do you do that? Why do you put too many Os on your "hello"?
Will: I don't knooooow.



Deirdre (to Will): And remember, I don't wanna see you anywhere near the Eastside.
Monet (roughly): Yeah!
Deirdre (to Monet): I don't like you butch.



Deirdre: (to Will and Grace) Yes, I have to tell you this is a new thing for us, we rarely go out.
Monet: She likes me pale.



Deirdre: (to Will) We hear you and Grace have made a name for yourselves on the west side. Kudos.
Will: Thank you.
Deirdre: No, I see a box of Kudos on your desk.
Will: Oh, would you like one?
Deirdre: No, no, no. We don't eat.
Monet: She likes me frail.



Deirdre: Meet Monet, my new associate, one of the hottest young designers in the city.
Monet: (to Will) Hello.
Deirdre: (to Monet) Stop looking at him you're with women now.



Will: Watch out for that nun.
Karen: (steering toward her) I'm on it!
Will: No, no no!



Will: Oh, damn, it's a cop!
Karen: I'm on it!
Will: No no don't speed up!



Karen: Oh, honey, I love driving. It's exhilarating. Let's take her up!
Will: Karen, this isn't a flying car.
Karen: It is when you've smoked as much as I have.



Bebe: (to Jack & Karen) Well, it's always nice to meet fans. Especially in a public place with lots of witnesses and clearly marked exits.



(Jack and Karen are sitting on the couch watching TV.)
Jack: (flipping through channels, pouting) When are they going to stop insulting our intelligence with these morons?
Karen: (sighs) Jackie, you accidentally turned it off. You're looking at your reflection.



Jack: I'll meet you at Central Perk in an hour.
Karen: Jack, that place is ficticious.
Jack: Ok, two hours


Rosario: What's going on?
Karen: Oh, let me get you up to speed. I own you. And what we're doing is none of your business.
Rosario: Lady, don't be surprised if your martinis smell of Clorox tonight.



Karen: Oh, gosh. I'm proud of our little boy. Graduating from school. Could I be honest with you, Will? I've always thought that Jack was an idiot.
Will: Well, now that idiot will hold other people's lives in the palm of his hand.



Karen: I will not change my name! My name is Carol...!
Will & Jack: Karen.
Karen: Texas Ranger!
Will & Jack: Walker.



Beverly: (Chuckles) I am so sorry I missed the ceremony. But tell me this, darling, do they still say "'til death do us part" when the bride is a vampire?
Karen: (Chuckles) Darling, it's all right that you missed it. Probably just as well. There was some children there, and they get frightened when something your size isn't covered in Muppet fur.
 
#18
Jack: Grace, I'm really sorry about Leo. You know, Stuart and I broke up also because of infidelity. But I understand why you cheated, and I know why I did. Cheating feels good.
Grace: Leo cheated on me, dumb ass.
Jack: Well, trust me. He really enjoyed himself.



Grace: Hey, Will. Look what I got.
Will: Isn't that Leo's massage chair?
Grace: Not anymore. He cheated on me. Which gives me the constitutional right to wait 'til he goes to work. Then sneak in and take as much as two Ukranian day laborers can carry.



Will: I'm sorry, I had to talk to Grace.
Vince: Right. 'Cause we're having lunch from 1:00 to 2:00, which only leaves you 23 hours to catch up on her problems. What about me, Will? You know, this is a relation-ship. When one of the crew goes overboard, the ship sinks.
Will: No, it doesn't. That's a terrible metaphor.
Vince: You're a terrible metaphor.
Will: That's a comeback?
Vince: You're a comeback!




Will: (to Grace who's craving beer and rum) Something's up. You're rambling, you're chirpy, you're looking for booze in the middle of the day. If you were picking me up from school, naked under a mink, this would be my childhood.
Grace: I'm just in a really good mood. I found a therapy group that I really like.
Will: Oh, great. Where?
Grace: Alcoholics Anonymous. It's fantastic, and, you know, not just for alcoholics anymore.
Will: Uh, yes, it is.
Grace: No. No, no, no. You don't know, Will. No, the program's for anyone with a problem.
Will: Noooo, it's not.



Grace: Don't get so worked up, Karen. Just take it one day at a time.
Karen: What did you say?
Grace: I said take it one day at a time.
Karen: One hoo at a ha?
Grace: You know, easy does it. Let go and let God.
Karen: Where did you hear that? Who taught you that hate speech?



Grace: Mmm. This envelope tastes kinda good. Taste the envelope.
Will: Stop eating the mail, Grace.
Grace: I'll stop eatin' it when they stop makin' it so tasty.



Karen: (to Will) Oh, happy birthday, fruit. So, who we got here? (noticing Joe and Larry) Oh, Mo and Mary. Great, I won't have to take a sleeping pill tonight. (Sighing) Lord, all these gays in one room. Grace, you must be in hag heaven.
Ralph: Uh, I'm not gay.
Karen: Ooh, hurray for my side.
Will: Everybody, this is my friend Karen. (signaling to Vince and Ralph) For those of you with guns, feel free to take the safeties off.



Grace: Your boyfriend's been in the shower for 20 minutes. Of all the cops you could've dated, you hook up with Dirty Mary?
Will: Grace, he's a gay Catholic. He may never feel clean.



Jack: (At the book store) While we're here, can we check out lesbian erotica? I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it is they do.
Will: Yeah. I imagine it's like bumper cars.



Grace: Instead of throwing myself into exercise, I'm going to throw myself into my work.
Will: Yeah. You do realize that when you're taking a spin class and you don't pedal, you're really just listening to music.
Grace: I was also scratching my patch of eczema. That had to have burned some calories.



Katherine: (asking Karen about colors for the nursery after Grace left unexpectedly) What colors do you see?
Karen: Oh, well, um, right now everything's sort of purple and you two kind of have an acid green aura... Oh you mean for the baby's room! Oh, are you asking me to...
Dan: Well you do work for her and she kind of left us hanging.
Karen: Right, well, um, just spitballing here, but how about some clouds drifting across a blue sky.
Katherine Ooh, I like that! What kind of blue?
Karen: Well you know, a soft blue, like a 10 mg Valium blue. And then we'll do the moldings in yellow.
Dan: Oh that sounds wonderful, a bright yellow?
Karen: More of a... well here (Karen dumps pills from a bottle) let me show you my swatches.



Grace: It's good to be back. Alder & Walker, Walker & Adler.
Karen: Honey, don't say your name next to mine. Makes mine sound Jewie.
Grace: Well yours makes mine sound drunk.
Karen: Wow... Right in the nuts.
 
#20
Karen: (in reference to going back to work for Grace) ...there's no way I could go back there and keep my dignity.
Jack: Well, just do what my mother did when she would come home from the factory and catch me wearing her makeup.
Karen: Honey I can't stare at Grace and scream, 'Why aren't you a real boy?'



(giving Grace relationship advice)
Will: OK, keep your shoes on at the table. Eat butter with bread, not as an hors d'oeuvre. And when the waiter offers you fresh ground pepper, don't say, 'Is it free?'.



Vince: It's official, my mother's toe is broken.
Will: Oh no!
Grace: What happened?
Vince: Didn't Will tell you?
Will: I thought I did. We went shopping and she fell, it was nothing, no big deal. Certainly no one's fault.
Vince: No one's fault? He pressured her into trying on these 4 inch hooker heels and then he told her to 'Work it girl.'



Will: Stop it, you bat. Look, just try to be friendly. Get to know people. Talk me up, mingle.
Karen: All right, all right. Which one of them did you say had the little problem with OxyContin?
(Vince's Aunt Angie peeks around the corner)
Angie: Oh, that'd be me.
Karen: Let's get to know each other.



Jack: And this is the perfect opportunity. Thanksgiving celebrates the day the girl Indians first introduced the girl Pilgrims to sex. (Jack punches his fists together) Yeah, they called it "maize" because lesbian sex is very confusing and if you're not careful, one can lose their way.
Ro: You're saying I should come out today?
Jack: Yes, at dinner. You can wave a turkey leg for emphasis!



Rosario: This year, I'm making your figgy pudding with rat poison and Ajax.
Karen: But no raisins.



Karen: There go my Christmas plans of sitting in a dark room and drinking!
Jack: And there go my Christmas plans of turning you so you don't choke on your own vomit.



Rosario: Ms. Karen, we have a little visitor.
Karen: Oh for God sakes, I'm not your mother. You know where the tampons are.
Rosario: It's your step-daughter Olivia, you Ghost Of Christmas Passed-Out.
Karen: Oh Rosie, I love it when your slams turn seasonal.



Karen: (addressing the board) I'm sorry everybody. I just wanted to say that erm... well I'm a little hurt. I really thought that we were a family. Clive, I was there for the birth of your cocaine habit. Watching it grow over these past eight years, I've never been prouder. And Jim, I remember the third anniversary of your S & M affair with old Shirley here. Never told either of your spouses. That's what family does. They keep secrets. Secrets that I am no longer under any obligation to keep. Huh, like last year at the executive retreat when Lynette and I...
Lynette: I'd like to vote again!



Karen: Relax. I am good with reporters. Ever since I leaked a little information to Woodward and Bernstein I've had them eating out of my hands.
Will: You really expect me to believe that you were Deep Throat?
Karen: Only to one of them.





Vince: I got fired. I'm not on the force anymore. Remember last week, a guy robbed a department store and the cop accidentally shot the cashier?
Jack: That was you?
Vince: No, that was my partner. I was busy tryin' on gloves. Since it was my 63rd citation, and my seventh one involving-- you know, gloves-- they fired me.
Jack: (tsk tsk) Oh dear, you poor thing. What color were they?
Vince: Taupe with a chocolate cashmere lining.
Grace: Oh, they woulda gone with everything.



Grace: Karen was interviewed yesterday at my office. Well... not so much interviewed as as a corrections officer came by and told her to pee in a cup and give a hair sample.



Will: Thank God, you're here! If you were any later, you'd have really embarrassed me.
Vince:(crying) I got fired!
Will: What? What happened?
Vince:(sobbing) They had these diamond covered gloves and I was trying them on...
Will: What the hell is with you and gloves!?



Scott: (Holding Beverley) If you bother the woman I love one more time, I'm gonna rip out your tiny arms and give them to her on a charm bracelet.
Karen: Honey, no one's ever offered to dismember a dwarf and make jewlery out of them for me before.




Jack: I don't know Karen, you gotta be careful. You can't trust people you meet on the internet. I went on a date with this guy I met online and he seemed really nice, but at the end of the evening... I stole $200 from his wallet.



Jack: Karen! I can't believe you killed it. How could you give a bird alcohol?
Karen: Well it was a lot harder than you think. At first I tried to pin it down with an ashtray and pry open its beak with a pair of ice tongs, but ultimately I just dunked it head-first into my glass.
Jack: All right. Well clearly nobody's at fault here.



Pastry Chef: Karen, it was great sexing you just now. Will, it'll be great sexing you this weekend.



Karen: (suspiciously) What? There is something going on here. I smell liquor on my breath-- you're drunk!



Karen: I raised two step-children on my own.
Grace: Karen, you have a staff of over thirty. Including one who looks exactly like you in case one of the kids wants a hug from "mom" in the middle of the night.
Karen: Honey, that's not fair. I love those kids. And so did "Karen Two."



Karen: I just had the most horrible experience. This..dwarf tried to steal my purse. Fortunately, I was able to wrestle him to the ground and get it back.
(Karen hands it to Jack.)
Jack: Karen, this isn't your purse, it's a Dora the Explorer lunchbox!
(hands box to Will)
Will: You just mugged a little girl...a hungry, frightened little girl.
Karen: Are you saying I don't know a dwarf mugger in a plaid skirt and braids when she skips past me?
Jack: I don't know Karen, this is strikingly similar to last week when you thought that woman stole your fur and you came home with a seeing eye dog around your neck.
Karen: Yeah and that fur crapped all over my carpet too!
Jack: Well, just in case we need to go back to the school and make sure nobody's missing a lunchbox.
(They all turn to Grace and see that she is eating the sandwich that was in the lunchbox)
Grace: What? It's egg salad. What kid wants that?
 
#21
Karen: I've got Stella McCartney meeting me at the 'manse for a fitting, and I want Rosario to slaughter a chicken in front of her. It's fun to mess with vegans.



Karen: Anyone who's slept with Grace deserves a free meal.
Tom: (To Grace) I'm sure she's a great assistant, but when I called earlier, she answered "Beverly Leslie is a homosexual".



Will: And never bring ice cream to a gay man's house, that's just hostile!




Jack: I had the largest glitter-related tragedy since Mariah Carey's film debut.



Karen: I haven't felt this raw and exposed since "Penthouse" published those photos of me and Vanessa Williams!



Will: Considering this is a 17-bedroom mansion, should you really leave the front door unlocked?
Karen: What is there to take in here?
Will: It's not so much what might get stolen as how many of your staff might try to escape.



Dale: I love to travel. Although I usually spend all my time in the hotel, watching tv and ordering room service.
Grace: Well, yeah. Why else go to foreign countries? So you can watch MTV in funny languages and see what their Coke tastes like.
Dale: I thought I was the only one who did that.
Grace: No, I'm a huge Coke fiend.



Karen: You are chewin' on my last nerve, froggy!
Malcolm: You are 8 feet of pain-in-the-ass stuffed into a 4 foot sack!



Karen: Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yes?
Karen: Sailboats and sunsets?
Malcolm: Sailboats and sunsets, baby. (he leaves)
Grace: So romantic. What did that mean?
Karen: It's too complicated to explain...he nailed me on a Windjammer at 6:17 pm.



Karen: Kiss my 'A'.
Will: I'm sorry, what did you say to a representative of The Coalition for Justice?
Karen: Gosh, I don't know. Why don't you get your 'D' out of your ear and listen to me?
Will: What is the matter with you? And why are you using letters?
Karen: Because I'm a lady, ass-face!



Jack: I can't wait to meet your gay nephew.
Grace: You guys think everyone is gay Jordy's only 9, it's no big deal that he went as Wonder Woman on Halloween.
Will: He didn't go as Wonder Woman, Grace. He went as Lynda Carter.



Grace: Guys, really, we don't even know if he's gay.
(Jordy enters)
Jordy: Hi, Uncle Will! Guess what? I invented a new cologne. It's called 'Scoundrel'.
Grace: And we know.



Grace: Do you think people can tell I'm Maria even though I don't have my Captain Von Trapp?
Karen: Of course, honey. You make a perfect Maria...you're sweet and perky and you're obviously not cut out to be a nun. (pause) 'Cause you're a whore.
Grace: Thanks, Karen.
Karen: And a Jew...
Grace: Yeah, I got it!



Rosario: I'm sorry lady, I sent them invitations by mistake.
Karen: (sighs) Oh yeah? I think the real mistake was when your father spotted your mother across a crowded swamp, dragged her back to his hut and made you.
Rosario: I never should have shown you our home movies.



Jack: I sick--with the Evian flu. I shared a bottle of Evian with a stranger at the gym.



Karen: I think what you're doing for Will is the most generous thing I've seen one friend do for another. And it made me want to be generous to you. I'm just really proud of you, Gracie.
Grace: I just got sick to my stomach.
Karen: Yeah, well, screw you! I was just making conversation, you ungrateful *****!



Grace: I'm sorry, I got no sleep last night. I have three apartments to do by the end of the month... I think I'm going to have to hire another assistant for a while. And Karen's got her hands full carving penises into her desk and getting her real estate license online.



Beverley: William, what a surprise. I'm just having a drink here with my business associate, Benji.
Will: The only surprise is that you're still trying to pass off Benji as your business associate in a middle of a gay bar.
Beverley: This is a gay bar?! Why, I had no idea! I'm-a half a mind to storm out of here right this minute, but my other half wants to stay and finish my refreshing Lemon Drop.



Grace: The fact is, I'm tolerant and you're, well, maybe a little bit racist.
Karen: How dare you call me a racist. A homophobe? Maybe. Distrustful of Spaniards? Who isn't? But nobody calls me a racist--and you can ask anyone I own.
 
#22
Karen: (To Will) You know, honey, normally my motto is 'Drugs, Not Hugs'. But today I feel different. Come on. (She hugs Will)



Grace: I feel so badly for his little gay nephew, Jordie. He was so upset.
Karen: Jordie. Which one was he?
Grace: The nine year old, with the little black funeral shawl. He sang "Sunrise Sunset."
Karen: Then you're gonna love it the next time Stan dies and I sing "Happy Days are Here Again"! Ugh. I suppose I could tolerate it if he just wasn't coming at me for sex every minute! Ugh. Grace, would you be willing to--
Grace: No.



Karen: You know, Marilyn, my husband may not be dead but my love for him is. So if you ever need a drinking buddy, I'll drink with you. Or if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I'll drink with you. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I love to drink!



Karen: You know, it is hard to stay angry when pistol whipping. I think it's because after the first couple of whacks, you get the giggles.




Grace: You know what was a bad idea? Watching Alien last night. Now every time I feel the baby kick, I think it's trying to chew it's way out of me.
Will: Well, it's your baby. It's gonna chew something.



Will: Have you taken your pre-natal vitamins? Let me see your nails. (he looks at them) Good. Nice and healthy.
Grace: Wow, look at your nails. You'd think you were taking pre-natal vitamins too.
Will: Yeah I am. My nails are stronger, my hair is thicker. My balls may be shrinking, but who cares.



Grace: (to her pregnant belly) Would you like to hear a song?
Will: Yeah, Grace--could you do me a favor? Could you not sing to the baby anymore?
Grace: Why not? Music makes them smarter.
Will: Okay, well if you're gonna sing, have a glass of wine 'cause he--he's gonna want to be drunk for this.



Karen: Jack?
Jack: Yahh..?
Karen: I think I feel a song coming on.
Jack: Then a song, we shall have.
(They walk to the piano)
Jack: And might I say, your knockers are looking particularly full tonight.
Karen: And might I say, you have the balls of a thirty-year-old.



Karen: Why don't you go pick out a book. Maybe I can teach ya a few words of English tonight, huh?
Rosario: Suck it, *****


Karen: Jack has told his hilarious story and you're out of vodka.
Will: There's a bottle right there.
Karen:(Drinks the bottle of vodka) Nope, empty.




Jack: (humming the Wedding March) Step together step. Kick ball change. Pas de bourrée and I'm married.
Will: Where did you get married, on the sun?
Jack: That's funny, do you hear screaming? Oh, no, that's just the buttons on your shirt.



Karen: Honey, ya know what I love about our plan to pay off a nurse to direct Will and Grace to the hospital room of a total stranger in a full body cast whose face is covered in bandages, each one of them thinking it's one of us in that bed with our bones broken?
Jack: What?
Karen: The simplicity
 
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