Will & Grace


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
For the longest time I had seasons 1 and 2 on DVD and I decided that with this job, I'm going to build up my DVD collection.

Well, today I bought seasons 3 and 4.

I loved this show! I love all of the characters, especially Karen and Jack.

"Honey, what's this? What's going on here?"

I loved Karen's wardrobe! (I was watching a scene about Karen returning from vacation and was drooling over her Damier luggage!)


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Jack: Okay first of all, Will should only be so lucky okay, so let's just clear that right up. Second of all, you don't even know me that well, why would you just assume that I was gay?
(Will and the rest laugh)
Jack: Are you finished? Okay fyi folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay!

Jack: [Notices Karen] Are you Karen?
Karen: Yes, honey.
Jack: Well, Peter, Paul and Mary, you are fabulous!

Will: I didn't get much sleep. You were on the phone 'til 4 a.m. I could hear you gushing three rooms away.
Jack: For your information, I was having a heart-to-heart call with someone who actually cares about me.
Will: Jack, nobody actually cares about you at Dial-a-Dude.

Karen: Grace, sweetie, what's that?
Grace: It's a hat, Karen. I didn't have time to dry my hair.
Karen: So what are you saying honey? It's going to stay on all day?
Grace: Uh-huh.
Karen: Okay. You know what? I say we close. You're obviously in no condition to work.

Grace: Karen, I have a great deal of affection for you, but you're going to need to be a better assistant. Put the catalog down. You have everything in it. Now come with me. I'm going to show you what I'm working on, okay? Now look at this. This is a rough draft of what I'd like the bathroom to look like. When I'm finished with this drawing, I'm going to need it copied and sent to a few people.
Karen: You mean...like...the...contractor?
Grace: Yes! Yes! Yes! That's exactly right! Oh my God, I feel like the Miracle Worker. Good, Karen, good.
Karen: All right, honey, reel it in, I get it. Now, talk to me about this little doodle here.
Grace: This doodle is called a blueprint.
Karen: Well, whatever it is, honey, I love it. Who's it for?
Grace: Me and Will.
Karen: You and Will?! Woman, are you insane? You can't share a bathroom with the person you're living with! Do you know where Stan's bathroom is? God, I don't even know where Stan's bathroom is.

Jack: So what'd you think of the show?
Will: Jack, you have a beautiful voice.
Jack: How about that dance sequence, huh?
Will: (slight pause) Jack, you have a beautiful voice.

Harlin: I'm Harlin Polk. I'm supposed to meet Grace.
Karen: I'm Karen Walker. I'm supposed to be Grace's assistant.
Harlin: Well, you don't strike me as the assistant type.
Karen: Well, honey, behave yourself, and I won't have to strike you at all.

Karen: (To Jack) Honey, I can't go. I have a home, a husband, and 3 beautiful stepchil... No, wait. Two. Two beautiful stepchildren. Sorry. Yeah. Olivia and...
Jack: Mason?
Karen: Honey, I was getting there.

(Grace and Jack are trying to figure out what Will is hiding from them)
Grace: God, what is he keeping from me? Oh my God. It's drugs. It's drugs. He's doing drugs. Without me... Not that I do drugs, but I'd like to be asked.
Jack: You know what else he wouldn't tell either of us? If he's sick. He needs a kidney. Oh my God, he needs a kidney. Not that I would give him a kidney, but I'd like to be asked.

Will: Grace, where are you?
Grace: It's a SECRET! Now tell me, how does that make you feel?
Will: Like a sorority girl in a bad slasher movie. Where are you?
Grace: Let's just put it this way. (In low, creepy voice) The call is coming from inside the house. (Will sees Grace at the coat check)
Will: Grace, you cannot be here right now. Go home!
Grace: No.
Will: Go home.
Grace: No.
Will: Go.
Grace: No.
(Will angrilly ends the phone call)
Will: (To Host) Excuse me.
Host: Yeah.
Will: Would you mind having that crazed red-head removed? Listen to me, I'm Ricky Ricardo!
Host: I'll take care of it Mr. Ricardo.

Grace: And I was at Bloomingdale's this morning waiting in line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity looking THING bumps into me and says, "Excuse me... ma'am."

Jack: Now, I want you to take off your robe and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. The sheet will drape you so--
Karen: (ripping off her robe) Yeah, I've done this before, honey. Skin to the wind!
Jack: Wow, Karen, you could bounce a quarter off that thing!

Karen: Grace, the ***** we hate is on line one.

Will: Careful, girlie, you're going to end up with waffle face. This is pathetic, Grace. What, you come home early just to catch 'Days of Our Vent'?
Grace: No. I thought I would cook shepherd's pie.
Will: Pray tell, Julia Child, what's in shepherd's pie?
Grace: Um... Shepherds? ... Sheep? ... Pie?
Will: Sounds like a crock of sheep to me.

Grace: You know, Mary Poppins got the same message across, but she did it in a nice little musical number. You're like... you're like a spoonful of whup-ass.

Karen: Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out. I mean, why would I be? I got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze, and I got a killer rack! Good morning!
Grace: Oh, when you smile, you have the cutest little wrinkle right there!
Karen: Where?! (runs to mirror)
Grace: Feel that? That's stress.

Karen: Oh, my god! Do you know what he would love? Oh! What is that deal down in the Mediterranean where you can charter a yacht with another couple for a week? You know, 7-person cruise, they take you up the Italian Riviera. Oh, what is the name of that boat?!
Will: Oh, I know. The S.S. Lower Your Dosage.

Will: I'm gonna change my clothes because uh... yikes and uh... then, I'm gonna sit on that couch with you and watch Lifetime. That Michelle Lee movie is on.
Grace: Which one?
Will: I'm Not Leaving Town Without My Daughter Because I Have A Brain Tumour But Don't Hit Me You Have A Drinking Problem.


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Karen: I'm gonna cook. Men, go hunt wild game! There's a White Hen Pantry two miles down the hill.
(she tosses the keys to Will and Jack, who simply watch them fall to the floor)
Grace: Karen, the gays don't catch.

Grace: Your cook's name is 'Cook'?'
Karen: No, Grace, he has a name. I just don't remember it. No wait a minute, it'll come to me, it'll come to me... "Where are my damned eggs... Paul!" Paul. God, Paul is dead. Now who the hell is gonna cook for us?!
Will: I guess this concludes the mourning period.

Karen: Stan had to take his kids to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name? Wait a minute it'll come to me... "Stan, take the kids to see that *****... Cathy!" Cathy.

Jack (Jack climbs on Will's desk while Will is on phone): Hey, hey. Hey. Tell Karen I wanna french kiss her when I see her.

Jack: Ohh. Look at this. (Jack pulls up his shirt revealinghis stomach)
Grace: Aah!
Will: Jack, warn people before you do that.
Grace: Oh, god, that reminds me, Will. We're out of ricotta cheese.

Will: I was just playing with you.
Nathan: How boring. Do you enjoy playing games?
Will: Yeah, I'm a big game player. One of my favorites is the 'Be Nice to Waiters' game. Yeah, if you win, you get to not go to hell.

Grace: Will... Will... please... please.. I'm begging... One more date... please... unless he wants a third.
Will: Oh... for god's sake Grace! Why don't you just dress me up in fish net stockings and thigh high boots?!
Grace: You'll do that?

Grace: You can't control your competitive nature any more than I can.
Will: That is...
Grace: Yes, you, you just like to play the cool Will Truman while I'm all the intense crazy one. Well, once the bowling shoe is on the other foot, look who's the good cop and look who's the bad cop.
Will: That is the worst mixed metaphor you have ever uttered.

Will: So, I gave my number to that guy at Border's bookstore today...
Grace: Phone number or business card?
Will: Business card...
Grace: Not hot.
Will: What, what do you mean?
Grace: "Hi, I'm intimidated by the possibility of rejection...but my secretary isn't...CALL HER!!"
Will: I am not intimidated.
Grace: Then call him.
Will: I know, but then I would say "hi" and he would say "hi" and...where does that leave me?
Grace: You're a disgrace to your people.

(Jack sees Guapo on the windowsill for the second time that day)
Jack: You again!? Oh my God I'm Tippi Hedren!

Karen: Oh, Grace, you got a call from a guy. It was about a person... or a place or a thing. I don't know, something.
Grace: Okay, that's a start. We know a human being called regarding a noun.

Will: Jack, if I'm supposed to stay away from every guy you've ever slept with, that would leave me with... women.

Grace: Your lips can go from here (points to Will's lips) to HERE! (points to her butt)

Will: Grace, look, I'm sorry your mother causes you so much pain and embarassment, but you've got to look at it this way... it's incredibly entertaining for me. Does that help at all?

Grace: You spend thousands of dollars in the Madison Avenue Boutiques. Do you know how much you'd save if you just shopped at that outlet mall in Paramus?
Karen: Honey, do you know how many things are wrong with that sentence?

Grace: How many gay lawyers does it take to win a case?
Will: How many?
Grace: 37. One to win the case and 36 to go out to brunch and trash him.

(Jack runs by the waiting area.)
Will: Gay ferrets to the waiting area, gay ferrets to the waiting area.

Grace: I've found some really cute outfits here. I wear them to work, and you tell me how much you hate them. (Imitating Karen) Honey, what's going on? What's happening? What's all this about?
Karen: Honey, what's this? What are you doing? Who's that supposed to be?

Will: All those years at waiter grad school-- the lectures, the all-nighters, all to answer the eternal question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of consciousness: chicken or fish?

Karen: Well, I was just out of college. I was broke. It's the oldest story in the world. Boy meets girl, boy wants girl to do dominatrix film, girl says, "naked?" Boy says, "yeah." Girl says, "forget it." Boy says, "ok, then just wear this rubber dress and beat the old guy with a scrub brush." Girl says, "how hard?"
Grace: Yes, that is an old story.


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Brent: Well, trust me, that's her. Just rent Next to Godliness. You'll find it in the adult section.
Grace: Adult? Adult like Merchant-Ivory, or adult like ... (Imitating bad acting) 'Gee, thank god you two plumbers arrived.'

Karen: Oh, alright. I'm thankful that I found a pharmacologist that is as dumb as a box of hair. And my secret is (to Grace) Jack and I were doing the dirty dirty while you two were still together!

Will: You told me you took an oath before God and your mother that you never deny who you are!
Jack: I lied!
Will: You told me some elaborate story about how you came out to her as a way of avoiding pee-wee football!
Jack: I lied!
Will: You forced me to come out to my own mother! You teased me and you pressured me and you even left a copy of "The Sensuous Gay Man" on her washing machine!
Jack: I lied! I'm a bad man now leave me alone with my shame!!


Grace: On some level, your mother has to know you're gay. I mean she has met you right?
Will: Yeah, ha ha...
Grace: We're all here for you, ok? Right, Karen?
Karen: (Pushing Jack) Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queer bait?

Jack: Karen, take me to your dentist. I feel my teeth are dull and people are laughing at me.
Grace: Oh, Jack, that's not why people are laughing.

Karen: Honey, what's with this place? You're a lawyer. Why are you living in the projects?
Will: I like to be close to my homeys and Zabar's. They make a smoked sable that is da bomb.
Karen: By your inflection, I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but ... no. (To Jack) Come on, poodle, let's go.

Karen: Yes! I had Private Detective talk to your mom, and he tracked down the guy in the Nixon mask. John Marshall is your father!
Jack: (Excited) Oh, my god! You found my dad! (Suddenly revolted) Oh, my god! I hit on my dad! Eww!
Karen: Eww.
Jack: Eww.
Karen: Eww.
Jack: Eww.
Karen: Eww.
Jack: I need soap! I need ... I need a Handi-wipe for my brain! Ugh! (Disgusted) Oh, I hit on my father! I'm Soon-Yi. Ugh.
John: So, Jack, why don't we go someplace where we can be alone?
Jack: Eww.
Karen: Eww.
Jack: Eww.
Karen: Eww.
Jack: Eww.
Karen: Eww.
Jack: No! You don't understand! You're my daddy.
John: (Grinning) Not yet.
Jack: Eww.
Karen: Eww.
Jack: Eww.
Karen: Eww.

Jack: I expected a kiss. I've been preparing for the kiss. I was on a juice fast for 72 hours so I'd look good for the kiss. This is a crime against humanity.
Will: Jack, two guys didn't kiss on a sitcom. I don't think that warrants reconvening the Nuremberg jury.
Jack: You know what, don't throw your knowledge of current events at me.

(Sally is laughing)
Will: Why do I get the creeping fear that she enjoys her life more than I do?
Jack: Because she has 250 people in her head, none of whom own a toothbrush.

Jack: Come on, we're going down to the network to protest. Chop chop.
Will: What? You're still on that? Wow. I thought that would go away as quickly as your last big issue: the under-representation of gay animals at the Bronx Zoo.

Ben: So, Will ... This is your lucky day. I found someone I think you should go out with.
Jack: He'll take him.
Will: Not--I dunno, blind dates.
Ben: Now, trust me. He's perfect for you.
Jack: He'll take him.
Will: (To Jack) Slow down there, trigger. (To Ben) Look, what makes him perfect?
Ben: He's gay.
Jack: He'll take him.

Grace: Ok so when you and I broke up, it was for different reasons. I wanted to raise the kids Jewish; you wanted to sleep with men.

Will: I've got my chimp on a NordicTrack. He gets in his little suit, hops on, watches the TV. He loves it. But ... enough about Jack.

Grace: Um, um, um, Karen, ok. Uh, you know what? I really think that you're just stretched too thin as it is. I mean, you have nails to file, Vogues to read, and those pills aren't gonna take themselves.

Grace: Look, I didn't tell you that he called because the last thing I wanted to do was to put you in an uncomfortable position--
Will: Grace, Grace! You should do this. You were Michael's friend, too. You hung out together, you were Buddhists for a week together. I mean, you gave him mono in a manner I'm still not entirely clear on. It's fine.

Dr. Osher: Mrs. Walker, the test results came back, and it seems your husband didn't have a heart attack at all--
Karen: Oh, thank God.
Dr. Osher: But rather, acute angina.
Karen: Heh. You've got a lot of nerve, coming on to me while my husband is dying. Wow.
Dr. Osher: Uh... No, no, Mrs. Walker. Angina is-- You know, he's gonna be fine.

Karen: What do you want? What are you after? What are your terms?
Sally: Ten.
Karen: One.
Sally: Seven.
Karen: Three.
Sally: Yellow.
Karen: Wha-- Uh, blue.

Jack: I know! A progressive spa party. Yeah. We'll go from one lovely bachelor's pad to the next. And at each place we'll do a different treatment. A steam facial here, a deep pore cleansing there ... And then - Knock, knock, hello, seaweed wrap? Yes. Come on in.
Will: That is the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Karen: Oh my God, you slept with the groom.
Grace: What!? How do you... Well... Where do you... Do you have three 6's on your head?!
Karen: No, but I got a fifth in my bloodstream!


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Grace: Well, I hope you're happy. Thanks to you I didn't sleep all night. Well, I've got news for you, mister. Val did not steal my music box. She is my friend, and I trust her.
Will: Okay.
Grace: Which is why we are breaking into her apartment so I can prove to you that it is not there.

Bill: Jack! You're here.
Jack: Oh, my God, it's Bill!
Karen: Take it out of the head voice.
Jack: (Deeper voice) Oh, my god, it's Bill.

Jack: Uh, dude, I came home a long time ago. (chuckles) Uh, this is Karen, the old ball-and-chain.
Karen: I used to dig chicks. Heh-heh.
Bill: Oh, well, welcome back home to you, too. I'm sorry. When I saw you at the bar last night, I just assumed--
Jack: Oh, no, no, no. I was just, uh, trying to get my bud Will back on the... (whistles) straight and narrow again, yeah. He's a big fat flamer! (laughs) He's in love with me, so, uh-- Me? I like the ladies. Right, babe?
(Jack and Karen French kiss, then make growling noises at each other)
Bill: Wow. Wow, that is just a beautiful thing to see. Isn't being married great? Is there anything better?

Jodie: Come on, Karen. You're just in time for the makeup seminar. We're all gonna get cheekbones.
Karen: Oh. Oh, that's nice, honey. And, uh, when are we gonna learn about bras?

Grace: Uh, ok, Val, um, I--I don't know how to say this, but, uh... Where did you get the... Snow globes?
Val: They belong to my ex-husband. He loved them more than anything. So naturally, I made sure that I got them in the settlement.
Grace: So you sort of got him by the globes. (chuckles)
Val: I squeezed 'em real tight and I shook 'em! Shook 'em! Shook 'em!
Will: Heh heh. Yeah. Globes are fun.

Will: You know what else I love? This music box. Where'd you get that?
Val: Oh, I got that with, uh... Big kitty. They came as a set.
Will: How long have you had it?
Val: Oh, for, like, forever.
Will: Oh, what's it play?
Val: This old Irish song that I love.
Will: Sweet. Can I hear it?
Val: Sure.
(Val opens the music box. Hava Nagila plays.)
(to the tune of "Hava Nagila") Gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, my Irish eyes--
Grace: It's "Hava Nagila!" It's not an Irish song! It's an ancient Hebrew song about... something Jewish! My dad gave this to me for my bat mitzvah. You stole it!

Jack: What a great play. Up high. See, um, before, when I was gay, that high-five might have sent a tingle up my thighs straight to my home entertainment center. But now... That I'm straight... Just a couple of guys celebrating the ball doing something good.
Bill: Exactly. Welcome Back Home teaches that physical contact between two men is ok, as long as there's nothing behind it.
Jack: That's us, right?
Bill: Sure, I mean--
Jack: (grabbing Bill around the neck) Ooh ooh. (kisses on the top of Bill's head) Mm... (ruffles Bill's hair) Ooh ooh.

Bill: Man, that was a great game. (turns the TV off)
Jack: Yeah. So, wanna hit the showers?
Bill: What?
Jack: You know, like they're doing.
Bill: Jack, I don't think that's appropriate.
Jack: What are you talk... It's just a couple of naked straight guys soaping each other down.
Bill: Ok, I--I have to say something here. The back-slapping and the head-rubbing was one thing, but the ear-blowing and the butterfly kisses are not standard NBA practice. And now this shower thing.
Jack: What are you implying?
Bill: You're coming on to me.
Jack: What? I am shocked and appalled. But are you interested?
Bill: You think that you can just come in here and use this group, this group that puts people back on the path of righteousness, as some kind of dating service?
Jack: I just need a yes or a no.
Bill: No! And I wanna make something crystal clear to you and to everyone else in this room. (to everyone) Excuse me. We are here to lead normal, heterosexual lives. Man and woman are meant to be together. So anyone here who has a misguided notion that Welcome Back Home is some kind of a--a gay pick-up joint, you can just leave right now.
(Everyone rushes for the door except for Bill, Jack and Karen)

Karen: Well, look at 'em go. I haven't seen a stampede like this since Pamplona. Oh, my god, listen to me. I'm a funny lesbian. I'm Ellen!

Bill: (to Jack) Well, as long as it's a heterosexual soap-down.
Jack: Attagirl. (slaps Bill on the back)

Karen: Aah! We're being robbed!
Ben: Mrs. Walker, we've been through this before. Now, I am not a prowler. I am not a bartender. I am not the black guy from Designing Women. I am your lawyer. And maybe if you'd stop bobbing for olives for half a minute, you might remember that.
Karen: You're kind of hot.

Grace: This is so unfair. Why do we always have to have breakfast at your house? I have a house.
Will: Yes, but you have no food there, nothing to eat with or on there, and it smells like bologna and wet cat there.
Grace: Since I'm already here.
Will: Mmmm. Cereal?
Grace: Generic bran flakes? How geriatric.


Sharon: Why do we always have to have dinner at your house? You know I have a house right next door.
Professor Dudley: You have any food over there? Do you have anything to eat with or on that isn't covered in cat hair?
Sharon: You're starting with me? Very nice. How about a little kindness, you miserably old fairy.
Professor Dudley: Will, Grace, this is Sharon Timmer. She's my best friend in the whole world.

Professor: So you haven't written anything and you haven't read anything. I can see I've made a marvelous impact.

Jack: Hey Will, what ya reading?
Will: A book.
Jack: Would I like it?
Will: No. There's nothing to color in.

Helena Barnes: Karen, darling, I was convinced that nasty smell was coming from the kitchen!
Karen: No, honey. I think you just caught a whiff of your own liver rotting.

Will: So, you're OK with this?
Grace: Sure, why wouldn't I be?
Will: Well, because, uh... He's seeing someone else!
Grace: And so am I. And so is Josh. Some girl with armpit hair named... Ugh, what is it again? (to Josh) Hon, what's her name again? Pond? River?
Josh: Ocean.
Grace: Ocean!

Jack: Wait a minute, wait a minute..what's going on with you? I haven't seen you in the old spa lately.
Grace: Jack, because you lie around there naked doesn't make it a spa. It's a laundry room.

Grace: Who are you?
Mipanko: Mipanko. Like the candy treat? And don't worry, Jack has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. The Navy Seals, they train him for this sort of thing.
Grace: So, you two are pretty close, huh?
Mipanko: As close as two men can get in 11 minutes.

Jack: Karen, I am not a light switch that you can just apologize to and expect me to forgive you. My emotions are much more complex than that. I need time to heal. I don't accept. (Jack turns away)
Karen: You don't what?
Jack: I said I don't accept.
Karen: I don't think you understand what just happened here. The only other person I've ever apologized to was my mother, and that was court ordered. So please accept my apology in the spirit in which it was intended or I'll kick you in the gittles.
Jack: No! Now be gone before someone drops a house on you!
Karen: Hey, up yours, Dorothy.

Karen: (to Ben and Grace) Well, well, well. Look what the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, powered, lipsticked, Guccied and dragged in.
Ben: Karen Walker, you know I thought I saw a waiter outside weeping. Now it all makes sense


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Will: You are, as of now, the most offensive person in this building. And I'm including Mr. Open Robe with his itchy bits on the tenth floor.
Jack: Name one thing I did wrong.
Will: Wha-- One thing? Ok, let's see. You haven't once called them by their names, preferring instead to address them as "mister" or "señor." You've mooed, you've sung the Lumberjack Song. And then you told some joke about the Indigo Girls and a Mexican restaurant that I still don't understand. I could try to appeal to you as a thoughtful gay man, but, ironically, that would be fruitless.

Jack: Oh, hey, Karen--
Karen: Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! I'm Anastasia Beaverhausen!
Jack: Why are you using your alias?
Karen: Because I passed a couple of bad checks here. You know, for sport.

Grace: Can you imagine me in a three-way?!
(Will and Karen laugh)
Karen: Honey I can barely imagine you in a two-way!
(Both of them laugh even louder)

Grace: It was fantastic. There were so many arms and legs everywhere, Hindus were praying to us.
Karen: Oh... You sleazy skank.
Grace: What? Karen--
Karen: I gotta take the rest of the day off. The air in this room is ripe with filth. For God's sake, Grace. I'm a mother.

Grace: This is not me, ok? I'm a good girl from Schenectady. I went to Sunday school for 10 years. I was 16 before I let Bobby Kay go to second. So for me to come and participate in this is a big deal. So you two kiss and make up, because the three of us are gonna GET IT ON!

Jack: Well, I'm gonna--I'm, I'm gonna have to have my own place.
Will: And sex is out of the question. I don't even like seeing your head poke through your sweater.
Jack: And just so you know, I'm gonna need boyfriends. And since my career comes first you may have to support me.
Will: Right. And what about Grace?
Jack: Oh, you get custody of that.
Will: So let's see--no sex, our own boyfriends, I support you, you live across the hall, Grace is my roommate.
Jack: Wow. That would be weird, wouldn't it?

Sue: It's somebody you already know.
Will: Johnny Depp. Is it Johnny Depp?
Sue: Do you know him?
Will: No.
Sue: Does he know you?
Will: No.
Sue: Can I finish?

Will: Why is this such a big deal?
Grace: Because I thought that I was the one that helped you come out.
Will: You were!
Grace: I thought that I was the one that changed your life.
Will: You did!
Grace: I thought it was my naked body that did nothing for you!
Will: It didn't! It still doesn't!
Grace: Don't try to make me feel better.

Grace: Are you flashing that woman?!
Karen: She started it.
Grace: She's nursing.
Karen: Hmm. That explains the little bald man.

Karen: Your boyfriend's a big flaming feather-wearing, man-kissing, disco-dancing... (takes a drink) Vermont-living, Christina Aguilera-loving, Mikanos-going-- (to Jack) Honey, take it on home.
Jack: Tom's queer, dear.
Karen: Merry Christmas!

Grace: That is not a compliment. A compliment is "You're sexy, you turn me on," not "One look at you proves I'm a queer."

Salesman: This video game makes a nice birthday gift. Do you think your stepson would like that?
Karen: I don't know, honey. Can he eat it or rub up against it?
Salesman: Let's come at this a different way. What are his interests?
Karen: Ham.

Karen: Grace, I'm sure it's not nearly as bad as you think it is. It's probably nothing, a little dot. Come on. Show mama.
(Grace moves her hand away and shows Karen the huge sore on her lip. Karen jumps back and falls into the arms of an enormous stuffed bunny.)
Karen: Aah! Whoa! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!
Grace: Shh! Shhhhh! Karen, will you calm down?
Karen: How do you expect me to calm down when I can see its heart beating right in front of me?!

Jack (drinking an iced coffee and talking fast): Hey, friends, lovers, mothers and other strangers, you are not going to believe what happened to me...(trips) Oh, my gosh, did you just see that? I almost did a half nelson, I almost bruised my delicates, my delicates, my "Domo arigatos, Mr. Tomatoes". (finishes drink and pulls out another) Huge news! I have met, are you ready for this, Mr. Right, well, Mr. Right Now, anyway. Ba dum bum. Good night, folks, I'm here all week, Jack 2000! He works at the Jumpin' Java -- you know, that coffee shop on seventy-second and his name is Paul. He is CUTE with a capital Q! And the busier it gets, the hotter he gets, and the hotter he gets the sweatier he gets, and the sweatier he gets...I forgot where I'm goin' with this, but the point is (takes a long sip) me likey he and he likey me and the best part is Shazaam! He gives me free iced coffee every time I go in which is every hour on the hour, thank you very much and occasionally on the half hour. Ba da da da da da! (blows raspberry)

Jack: Addiction? Oh, no. No, no! I don't have an addiction, thank you very much.
(Jack grabs Karen's empty coffee cup off her desk and licks the rim and the bottom of the cup.)
Karen: Ok, ok. (Karen takes the cup away from Jack.)
Jack: I'm fine, I'm fine.
Karen: Ok, ok, it's over. Now, listen to me. (Karen gets out a pill.) The first thing you have to do is admit that you have a problem. (Karen swirls the pill in her martini.)
Because if you can't even recognize the signs... (Karen drops the wet pill into her mouth.)
Then you are really in sorry shape. (Karen washes down the pill.) Oh, mmm!
(addressing the martini glass) Why are you so good to me?

Cheryl: Don't you think it's a little inappropriate to be holding a cup full of liquor at your child's swim meet?
Karen: Well, honey, when you're right, you're right. (Drinks the whole cup) It's not full anymore, is it, honey? Ha ha ha!

Karen: Good lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

Karen: Honey, look. (about Grace) She left her datebook.
Jack: Let's look through it.
Karen: And change things.

Grace: These are pictures from an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog of men lying around with their underwear half off their asses.
Jack: Yeah… C-Can you do that?
Grace: Jack, do I have to explain the difference between a decorator and a pimp again?

(After Karen reading the revised version of Stan's will)
Jack: Looks like Stan's got a big heart to go with his enlarged prostate.
Karen: Oh, balls!
(Jack giggles uncontrollably)


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Sister Louise: My family sent me to a convent when I was three. Actually, they told me I was going to the zoo. I was all excited. They got me dressed up, gave me a lollipop, I ended up here. All I wanted to do was see the penguins. Ironic, isn't it? What's sex with a man like?

Grace: Hold on a second. You are sautéing dog food in my best skillet.
Will: Yeah, well, mine doesn't heat as evenly.
Grace: I want you to say that again... And listen to yourself very carefully.
Will: Mine doesn't heat as evenly.
Grace: For the purpose of...
Will: Making a farewell dinner.
Grace: For...
Will: A dog. Ok, I get it.

Karen: Well, well. Candy Pruitt, as I live and drink. You know, honey, you've still got your looks. Where are you keeping them?
Candy: Oh, Karen, love, I just had the most marvelous salt scrub.
Karen: Oh, good for you. You know, there's a question that I've been meaning to ask you that only you can answer. Is 60 sexy?
Candy: Of course. Don't you remember?

Candy: Karen, love. It's your voice I heard.
Karen: Oh.
Candy: I thought someone was strangling an old macaw.
Karen: Candy! I can't believe you're up and around. I guess even a mad scientist has to hit a wall at some point.

Karen: Honey, are you wearing base?
Jack: A little bit.
Karen: Ok.
Jack: So, I've decided to write my relationship with Rocco the way it should have been. I'm turning my pain into art.
Karen: (reading the title) To Weep and To Willow, a "Harlequeen" Romance.
Jack: You want me to read you some?
Karen: You can read?
Jack: A little bit. Here it goes.

(Will is trying to contact Karen on thephone to no avail)
Jack: Did you try her garter phone?
Will: She has a garter ph-- What is she, one of the x-men?
Jack: Hey, when clubbing, I put my phone in my underwear.
Will: Yeah, that's just so when it rings, you can say, "wanna grab that?"

(Grace tries to get Will to go to Alice's funeral so she can apologize)
Will: Oh, Grace, get real. There's no way that Alice was still carrying that around. Kids get teased and they get over it.
Grace: You're probably right. I mean, you got over the kids calling you 'Hairy Ass Truman'.
Will: (pause) Wake me at six.

Karen: Honey, do you remember that afternoon that you and I were walking down fifth avenue and we saw that beautiful ring in the window of Tiffany's and you said to me "If only, one day, I could own a ring like that."
Grace: Yeah?
Karen: I bought it for myself! Isn't it great?

Val: I'm wearing your dirty bath water in a vial around my neck.
Jack: Ew, that's enough! Ok! I've had it! All right? So I'm going to tell you what Justin Timberlake, Matt Lauer and Moesha said to me. "Stay away, or I'll call the police!"
Val: I pretended that your jockstrap was an oxygen mask all day today.
Jack: And time to go, psycho!

Jack: What the hell are you doing here?
Val: I live here.
Jack: No, you don't!
Val: I'm carrying your baby.
Jack: No, you're not!
Val: You're a musical genius.
Jack: Ok, I'll give you that one.

Will: Can we have dinner at six?
Nathan: How about dinner at eight?
Will: I get too hungry for dinner at eight.
Nathan & Will: (singing) That's why the lady is tramp!
Grace: Oh, my God. You did sleep together.
Nathan: Grace, if you're gonna think I'm gay every time I pass out with men, you're in for a lifetime of heartache.

Karen: Hey, I'm the one who cared enough about my dying grandfather to walk up a mountain everyday to tend to him. Yeah, even after they took me away to be Clara's companion, I never forgot about him. No, no. In fact, I got Clara out of that wheelchair, just so I could get back to my dear Grand-pa-pa.
Jack: Karen, that's not you, that's Heidi.
Karen: Oh... and what's my story?

(Conversation on Jack's dad)
Jack: But I loved him.
Will: But you didn't know him.
Jack: But I loved him.
Will: Maybe you just loved the idea of him.
Jack: He was the source of all my talent!
Will: But you don't have any talent.
Jack: But I loved him.
Will: And here we are again.

Karen (To Grace who is on a trampoline): Are you jumping? Or am I undermedicated?

Will: Well, forgive me if I don't leap to take advice from someone whose family portrait includes two bloodhounds and a pickup truck.
Grace: Is--is it just me, or are the--the--the squirrels in the park sneakier?
Nathan: Well, I get it. Because I'm from the South, I must be stupid, and because you're gay, you must be clever. Just goes to show you how wrong those stereotypes can be.

Will: These are men's jeans.
Nathan: Willard, relax. It's a very smart-looking pant. It'll save you having to tell people you're gay.

Will: (chuckles) How 'bout you? How's Nathan?
Grace: (moaning) Mmm... In a word... Bootylicious. Oh, it's so good, and the sex...
Will: He likes it, doesn't he?
Grace: He does.
Will: Even though you're a girl.
Grace: I know. Crazy, isn't it? And he does this thing--
(Nathan pops out from under the covers)
Nathan: Guys, bootylicious is in the room.

Jack: Okay, time to go, kiddo. I told your mom you'd be back by two. You ok to get home? You need anything, you need any money?
Elliot: No, I'm fine. How 'bout you? You need any money?
Jack: (laughs) Oh, Elliot! He's crazy! (seriously) Actually I might want to get a hot dog later.
(Elliot gives him two dollars)
Jack: I just need one.
Elliot: Take two, just in case.
Jack: You're a good son.

Karen: I'm going to the Barney's sale with Rosario, wanna go.
Jack: Okay. But, I'm gonna need some cash from the ATM.
(Jack swipes a credit card through Karen's breasts)
Karen: Denied.
(Jack does it again)
Karen: Denied.
(Karen turns around and Jack swipes his card through her butt)
Karen: Approved.

Grace: Karen, tell Bodyguard he can go. I no longer plan to kick your ass.
Karen: OK. Down, number five! Listen, uh, why don't you head home and stand guard over the prime rib. This morning I saw Rosario giving it the glad eye.
(Bodyguard leaves.)
Grace: Little tip for Bodyguard... Someone needs to reunite him with his estranged brother... 'Right' Guard.

Jack: Well, I, too, was bullied as a child. I went through a lot, but I'm proud to say no one ever forced me to do their homework.
Will: That was probably because they never assigned a history paper on the rise of the leg warmer.

Karen: Why, Grace Aulden, I can’t believe what I’m hearing!
Grace: Adler. My last name is Adler!
Karen: Oh, that’s pretty!

Grace: Oh come on Kar. Like you never got a little at the office!
Nathan: Well at least she had the decency to be by herself!
Karen: (Laughs) It’s funny 'cause it’s true!

(Grace stands nose to nose with Karen)
Karen: Honey, you're a little close.
Grace: I'm going to kick...your...ass.
Karen: Well, why honey? What'd I do?
Grace: You trumped my gift. The first gift. The gift he'll always remember. And because of that I'm going to kick...your...ass.
Karen: Honey, you're scaring me a little bit.
Grace: I'm a little scared too, Karen, cause I've never been so overwhelmed with the desire to kick...your...ass!
(long pause)
Karen: (pointing) Look honey, it's an attractive gay man!
(Karen turns and runs out of the room)

Will: Just make sure you do something fun with him that night. Like, when I stayed home from a dance, my mother and I would bake gingersnaps and watch Little House On The Prairie.
(Grace and Jack stare in disbelief)
Will: God, I was so gay.


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Will: These are my friends Gin, Vodka and Scotch. (in a Scottish accent) “Hello Karen!”.
Karen: Hiya Kids!
Will: Now, you’ve got an emergency. You want a Bloody Mary. You’ve poured yourself a thimble of tomato juice. Who you gonna call? Me? Tequila?
Karen: Well this is crazy talk. I want my Vodka!
Will: Exactly. So from now on, you only call Tequila if you have a legal problem!
Karen: Ok. I get it now. You’re coming in loud and queer.

Will: Hi. I-I-I-I haven't done a lot of acting before. Actually, that's not true. I, for 19 years, I played the role of a heterosexual.
(Will giggles.)
Zandra: My guess is, not very convincingly.

Jack: How sorry am I? "S" is for how very sad you make me feel. "O" is for, oh, how very bad you make me feel. "R" is for how wrong you make me feel.
Zandra: And the other "R" is for how rotten you are! Get off. Get off the stage!

Anthony: Roll camera. In three, two... (into camera) This is Anthony Dukane with Channel Three News. I'm standing here with Will Truman, the attorney for Stanley Walker. (to Will) Mr. Truman, do you think your client was treated more or less fairly because of his wealth and status?
Will: (very nervous) Uh... the--the status of Mr. Whacker-- Wicker-- Wexler--
Anthony: Walker.
Will: Walker. Thank you. (silly giggle) Hee hee hee! Uh... oy, boy. The answer to your question is--is, uh, Mr. Guilter's walk-- Mr. Guilter's alleged walk-- Wait. W-W-What--what I'm trying to say is--is-- that, yes, he's rich. He's very rich. But that doesn't mean he's--he's poor. Whosie boisie hohh...

Rosario: Miss Karen, time to get up.
Karen: Hey. How about bringing the volume down to foghorn level?
Rosario: Up yours, Count Drunkula.

Grace: Hi. Grace Adler. What I'm wearing isn't too revealing, is it? The men are locked up, I don't want to drive them into a state of sexual frenzy.
Guard: I wouldn't worry about it.
Grace: Oh, like you're so hot?

Karen: Oh, honey you scared me. I thought you were my clone, but none of them survived.

Nathan: Do you think it says something about me that I like to have sex that much? I mean, do you think it’s weird?
Karen: Honey, of course not. It’s not weird. It just means that you’re not that interesting and sex is really all you have to offer.
Nathan: What?
Karen: Come on, oh wait a minute, don’t take it like that! Come here, come here. Listen to me. I just meant that sex is all you have to offer. Ok, better? Ok?

Grace: (about Nathan proposing) Look, it's just not how I ever imagined being proposed to, okay? I should be holding a bouquet of wildflowers, not my own ankles!

Karen: (to Rosario who has emerged from Grace's bedroom)
What's going on? Where's Grace? Did you mistake her for some of my jewelry and stuff her down your pants?
Rosario: Suck it.

Rosario: You better watch it, lady, because the next time you take a bath it'll be rub-a-dub-dub, I drop the blender in the tub.

Karen: Hi honey, whatcha doing?
Grace: Just reading some old letters Nathan wrote me. Listen to this one. It’s beautiful. We… we need milk (Sobs) I mean, how sweet is it to remind me to get milk?
Karen: Well, I never understood the mating rituals of the poor. But, it sounds nice.
Grace: It should have worked out, Karen.
Karen: Oh, shoulda, woulda, Prada, honey!

Karen: Hi, girls. How's Grace?
Will: Bad.
Karen: How bad?
Will: Mariah Carey in Glitter.

Grace: Aah! Oh, guys, I don't like this!
Karen: You think I like it? I'm in a shower with three other people and it's not even the seventies!

Grace: God, quiche for a gay fund-raiser, could you be any more stereotypical? And, by the way, tell your people to stay away from my lox.
Will: Would you look at that? One of your women just drifted over to the fireplace, which we clearly agreed was my area since the gays need soft light.

Will: You're barely a woman. You pee standing up!
Grace: Hey! There are a lot of diseases you can get from a toilet seat!
Will: Our own?!

Grace: I'm so glad we're doing our own Thanksgiving this year.
Will: Best decision we ever made. We are officially no longer owned by our families.
Grace: Hey, you know what? Let's catch our own turkey this year.
Will: Great. I'll meet you in the freezer section of the Gristede's with a big net.

Marilyn: Here you all are! Oh Will darling! Ooh ooh ooh ooh, let me shut the door. I don't want to have to deal with that gossipy new neighbor. (sees neighbor across the street and waves) Hello! Hello Mrs. Chambers! (shuts the door) Her eldest has a lazy eye, her youngest is a prostitute.

Will: Paul, Peggy, these are my friends Karen, Jack, and of course, Grace.
Peggy: Grace, it's so nice to meet you. There's a woman where I get my hair done in Westport. She's Jewish too.
Grace: Oh . . . sure. I've seen her at the meetings.

Will: I'm hungry.
Grace: I'm thirsty.
Karen: I could hump a tree.


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Karen: (to the movers next door) You moooove that desk, *****!
Grace: Stop that! You work in an office, conduct yourself with a little dig--that fine ass! Woo!!!

Grace: Why do you deserve to be out in the world among decent people?
Karen: Be... because... Karen Walker helps people. You know, I was just a scared single mom, working in a factory, trying to put food on the table, but when I heard about the barbaric conditions in our workplace, I knew something had to be done. I didn't even care how management were going to brutalise me, no. I stood upon that table and I rang that bell and I said, "Union. Union (Raises arms) UNION!"
Grace: Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you, that's not you, that's Norma Rae.

Karen: Come on Grace, why can't we have an office christmas party?
Grace: Last year's was a disaster. You got drunk, told me you loved me and then kissed me in the service elevator.
Karen: I thought that was Valentine's day.
Grace: No, on Valentine's day you got drunk and felt me up in the swatch room.
Karen: I'm a sucker for the holidays!

Karen: Oh, honey, you just gave me a great idea what to get Rosario for Christmas. A new face. Yeah I'm gonna call plastic surgeon and see if he can give her cat eyes. Maybe she won't look so weird scratchin' to get in.

Karen: Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus... up in that tower letting his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up, spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter.
Grace: Where'd you get that from, the bartenders bible?

Jack: (After Karen does her reindeer gag) So, Dorleen, what do you think?
Dorlene: You'd better be kidding me with this crap! This isn't a window for Barney's New York, New York! This is a window for The Fairies Who Are Going To Get Their Eyes Scratched Out Store! Now, you have 24 hours to get this right or not only will I fire you, I will re-hire you, pull your hair, and fire you again!

Jack: How did I become a part of this? What's in it for me?
Karen: Well, as my cell mate, you'd be my *****. You'd be subject to being molested at any time, day or night.
Jack: Whee! Let's start now!

Karen: All I'm saying is I could do it...easy.
Rosario: Really? Care to make it interesting?
Karen: What are you suggesting? Are you asking me to take my top off?
Rosario: Slow down, Gypsy Rose Lush.

Bonnie: If there was any justice in this world, there would be an alligator walking around with you as a handbag.
Karen: You know, maybe there is an alligator running around somewhere with me as a handbag. I mean, who knows what they do with my old skin?

Grace: Jack, why is my door locked? You better not be using my hair crimper on your bad place again.

Owen: 'Cause you won't get him...
Jack: Thinkin' and a-hopin'...
Owen: Wishin' and a-prayin'...
Jack: Lyin' and a-cheatin'!
Owen: Tubby and a-tone-deaf!

Jack: Uh, excuse me. As Aretha said to Gloria, Celine, Shania, and Mariah during Divas Live, "Are you trippin'? No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, *****. Ok?"
Owen: Well, I believe she also said, "Hey, Cuba, Canada, cowgirl, Crazy, get out of my light and away from my snacks, *****."

Beverly: You!
Karen: Oh, good Lord! You scared me! Shouldn't you be in your tree making cookies?

Jack: Oh, interesting. You gave me the straight-guy-double-pat-on-the-back-no-hip-contact hug.
Owen: Actually it was more the gay-guy-bend-at-the-waist-feel-your-delts-check-out-your-shoes hug.

Jack: We are here at the apartment that sex forgot... to hear from two of Karen Walker's dearest, dearest, dearest-- line?
Rosario: Friends.
Jack: Friends! That's right. That is going on the gag reel! That is hilarious!

Jack: So, Lois Whitley tell us, what exactly is your relationship to one Miss Karen Walker?
Lois: I'm her mother.
(awed hush)
Rosario: Santa Maria, it has a mother!

Jack: (responding to Karen's shirt which says "I loves me kitty") Oh my god I have that same shirt! Except mine has a big rooster on it and it says "I loves me big, red..."
Will: Jack!

Karen: Bad experience on that elevator. Horrible! If my brain could still send signals to my face, you'd see the terror in my eyes.

Zandra: If I still smoked, I would take my Parliament and stick it in your eye! (sighs) Oh, what the hell. I'm just gonna jab you with this dirty fork.

Karen: Honey, that was really moving. You know, I think I got a little misty....down there.


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Karen: (to Jack) Oh, honey, no one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night. You fell out of the gay tree hitting every gay branch on the way down...and you landed on a gay guy...and you did him.

Will: Ok, let me just grab my hoe, and I'll be ready. (He grabs Grace's arm.) I'm ready.

Jack: No ornery black police captain will ever say to me, (in a deep voice) "You a loose cannon, Bruce. Turn in your badge and your chaps and get your gay ass out of my precinct."

Will: Elliot and I never get to spend any time together. Nice to have the opportunity to get to know him a little before your genetics take over and he turns into a screeching howler monkey.

Will: Karen, here's that paperwork we talked about. It prevents your house staff from making any legal claims against you for mistreatment. So, as long as God's looking the other way, we should be fine.

Jack: Karen, take me to lunch. I'm in the mood for a Cobb salad with a side of thousand-dollar shopping.
Karen: Can't. Will's coming over. He's got something for me to sign.
Jack: Oh! Will! Do not say that name. I am furious with him. Furious, I tell you!
Karen: Why?
Jack: I can sum it up in one word-- He doesn't respect me.

Will: No matter how many uppers you take, you're still a downer! *****!
Karen: Witch!
Will: Ho!
Karen: Mo!

Jack : Are you guys still talking about that stupid book? I swear, the way you go on about it you'd think it had pictures of naked men frolicking... (laughs) ...does it?

Karen: I did not understand the part where Diane blacked out in the middle of an argument, and woke up spooning her maid.
Will: That was you.
Karen: (pause) Yeah, that makes more sense.

Karen: Hey, Will. Hey, Grace.
Will: Karen ... this isn't Grace. This is a bag of garbage.
Karen: Oh, silly me. How could I make that mistake ... twice.

Will : I have been dying to talk to someone about this book.
Karen : Me too! You know, I was going to have my staff read it, but I was worried that knowledge leads to freedom.

Jack: (about Will) He doesn't respect me.
Karen: Ooh, I've got a nice idea. Why don't we be cold and *****y to him? You know, like I was to the losers on the playground when I was a kid ... and yesterday at Olivia's kick ball game.

Karen: (telling Val about Grace) This woman has more talent in her little-boy breasts than you have in your whole body.

Jack: This year my show will feature…wait for it…here it comes…are you sittin’? It’s on its way. Are you sittin’?
Grace: Just say it!
Jack: Magic.
Grace: Jack, I did not know that you know magic.
Jack: But of course. When I was a kid I used to lock myself in my room with handcuffs…… wait, that’s not my magic story.


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Fannie: (to Will and Grace) You know, I have been doing this for a long time. I mean, I have shot rock stars, politicians, movie stars, my own vagina ... and this is the first time anyone has ever, ever asked me for a re-shoot.

Karen: I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.

Jack: Come on, Kar. What do you think we should get, facials or colonics?
Karen: Mmm, I don't know. Let's flip a coin for it. Heads or tails? Ha ha ha!

Will: I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.
Karen: You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.

Grace: We're gonna make a baby!
Will: (excitedly) I know.
Grace: But don't forget what we talked about last night. We're not gonna tell anyone about this baby until I'm actually pregnant.
Will: Well, what about our friends?
Grace: No, no, our friends will just make stupid comments and have stupid opinions.
Will: That's a little unfair.
Jack: (entering) Are there any hobbits left in America?
Will: I take it back, that's totally fair.

Karen: Ah, Smitty... I'm about to break the heart of a lovely man whose only crime is wanting to get in my pants. Come on. Give me something to smile about.
Smitty: Well, I'm not sure I can do that, ma'am. You see, I'm getting laid off. Today's my last day, and I have seven kids to feed.
(Karen laughs loudly and giggles)
Karen: Not as good as the wife one! But-- but still... Pretty damn funny!

Karen: Ah, Smitty. I'm having a little hubby trouble. How about cheering me up with one of your jokes?
Smitty: (Sadly) I'm afraid I'm not in much of a joking mood. You see, my wife died Christmas, and I just haven't been myself since.
(Karen laughs breathlessly)
Karen: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah, Smitty. You always know just what to say.

Lionel: (to Karen) Lionel Banks. Lionel, like the train. Banks, like money. And you are?
Karen: Anastasia Beaverhausen. Anastasia, like Russian royalty. Beaverhausen, like... where the beaver live.

Jack: (to Elliot) You can't be here right now. We're about to have a very serious conversation that isn't appropriate for a child your age.
Elliot: Well, can I listen at the door?
Jack: Yeah, I think that'll be fine.

Will: You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing. It's a miracle, really. So complex. So beautiful. (Will turns the page and tosses the book onto the table.) Yow! What is that thing?! God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie.
Grace: Oh, please. Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens? It don't.

Will: I-I-I-I-- I kissed a guy, okay? At that club the other night, the Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay club. I did go, and I met this guy... a hot hot hot hot hot guy. And I know we said we were taking ourselves off the market, but then this, this Pink song came on, and... his shirt came off. And I thought, "I've got two choices here. I can go home, and I can take care of my future baby mama... or I can get this party started." And, Grace...I got that party started.
Grace: Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a really good song.


Will: What's wrong with me? You broke our pact.
Grace: What pack?
Will: Not pack, pact.
Grace: That's what I said, "pack."
Will: No, P-A-C-- Let's take a different tack.
Grace: You mean tact.
Will: No, tack! Tack, pact! One ends with a "K." One ends with a "T." I know, it's ironical! Look it up in the freakin' dictionary!

Will: Why are you up? The doctors said the best chance of getting pregnant was being flat on your back with your legs in the air. So come on, pretend somebody just paid for dinner.
Grace: That's offensive.
Will: Pretend it was lobster.
(Grace flops onto the couch and throws her legs into the air.)

Karen: After years of being with Stan, I felt like "finally a man who knows how to make a woman feel like a girl, and how to make that girl feel like a slut, and how to make that slut feel like a woman."

Jack: It turns out he only needed an assistant to find the stalker. If I stop stalking, he doesn't need an assistant. I had to re-stalk to keep my job and realize my dream of dancing with him in a cornfield. Come on, catch up, slow mo!
Will: This is ridiculous! I swear if I had anything better to do with my life I'd be outta here like a shot!
Jack: I left him a cardboard cutout of himself signed "Nice stalkin' to ya." Let's tune in and see how he reacts.
(Jack pulls out a pair of binoculars and starts spying.)
Jack: Okay, okay. All right, he's seeing it, but he's not-- he's not moving! Oh, my God, it's like something flattened him!
Will: Perhaps you're looking at the cardboard cutout, dinkus.

Kevin Bacon: This is serious. This is gonna freak you out... but... I have a stalker.
Jack: (Gasps) No! Are you sure?
Kevin Bacon: Damn it! Kyra didn't believe me either! Why is it so hard for everyone to believe that I would have a stalker? Just--just find him for me, all right?
Jack: Oh, I'll find me--him! And when I find him, I am gonna stop me--him.

Kevin: (about his stalker) This guy is slippery. If I had a dollar for every time my jock strap had been stolen from the gym–
Jack: You'd have $186!

Kevin: Look, when the stalkers leave, it's the first sign that your career is slipping. It's a little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer.
Will: You--you did a movie with Val Kilmer?
Kevin: No, but Val was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise, and Tom was in A Few Good Men with me. Huh, that was a short one.

Jack: Number of films with full frontal nudity... four! Number of films with full sidal nudity... three! Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless!

Karen: Well, maybe it's for the best. Then you and I can move on with our lives. Out in the open to love freely.
Grace: Karen, we're not a couple.
Karen: Aren't we?
Grace: No.
Karen: Well, all I know is when I woke up this morning, there was red hair on my pillow and lesbian porn in the VCR.


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Jack: So this is fun. Fixin' stuff. Sandin' things.
Will: Uh-huh.
Jack: Workin' up a sweat.
Will: Hmm.
Jack: Makes me feel like a man.
Will: Yeah.
Jack: No, seriously, I'd like a man after we're done.

Will: Can I ask you something?
Jack: Ooh, serious voice. Let me do my Oprah listening pose.

Will: Like a Barbie in a string bikini is such a great gift. Why don't you just wrap a ribbon around bulemia?
Grace: A doll cannot cause an eating disorder. Nothing is that black and white.
Will: A panda is!

Jack: I don't know how much longer I can live with Will, I mean, every time I get in the shower with him, he's like, "Jack, get the hell out!"
Karen: I know honey. Grace is driving me nuts too. She can't concentrate on work anymore. She just sits around all day, doodling pictures of peoples houses on these enormous sketch pads! And then, she's on the phone all the time ordering furniture. Where's she going to put all that? Huh? In these "houses" she's drawing?

Karen: Now, what do they both like?
Jack: Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake.
Karen: Where can we take them, where there'll be small people, eating cake? (Drinks) Oh. Shoot. I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party!

Will: He's kidding right? We don't do things! We talk about doing things, but we never do them!
Grace: I know! (Gasps) Oh, My God. He thinks I do things!

Karen: Whew. That is one smooth-talking shower head.
Grace: Will, it's happening again. I'm having that dream where she's everywhere.
Will: It's more interesting than that one about the hot dog breaking up with the doughnut.

Zandra: Do you think you could do better than me?! Well, be my guest! (to the class) People...Mr. McFarland will be teaching your classes tomorrow. Those of you who are lucky will die in your sleep.
Jack: Oh, my God, this is so exciting! Ok, I'll see everyone tomorrow promptly at ten-ish, ok? Oh, uh, boys in tight T-shirts; girls, attendance optional.

Will: (Singing) Grey skies are gonna clear up!
Karen: (Singing) Put on a happy face!
Will: I can't!
Karen: (Singing) Brush off the clouds and cheer up!
Will: (Singing) Put on a happy face!
Karen: I am!

Jack: My friends, it's finally happened. My fame has reached a new level. I just got recognised on the street!
Will: Jack, someone yelling "queer" out of a passing car is not a fan!
Jack: You didn't hear the way they said it!

Will: I think fall is finally here. I just saw the first drunk of the season turn yellow and tumble gently to the ground.
Karen: I tripped okay?

Karen: (drunk again) It's Tuesday? How long have I been out?

Karen: (a little drunk while they're in the park) Am I outside?

Rosario: (to Karen while they're dancing) Stop trying to unhook my bra.

Karen: Honey, I don't wanna live with Will anymore.
Grace: Why?
Karen: He has no sense of humor. He didn't laugh at all when that M-80 went off in his toilet.

Grace: There was a bar IN THE POOL! I swear, swimming any other way but drunk is just stupid!

Karen: Can I have my maritini now?
Will: No! No desert!
Grace: Will, she's hungry.
Will:Tough! She's go to learn that there are consequences to her actions. So you are going to sit there, on this couch and look at Grace's honeymoon pictures!
Karen: I HATE YOU!
Grace: Roll 1 - my luggage!

Karen: Oh Jackie, look at all this food, hmm, we are so blessed.
Jack: I know. There are poor people who dream their whole lives of a meal like this.
Karen: Honey, I know what we should do. Let's take a picture of us eating and show it to them.
Jack: Wow Karen, you are like a female Jesus!
(Camera clicks)

Jack: (Singing) Karen and Milo sitting in a tree. K-I-S-I-N-G...(confused) wait.

Grace: Ah, look at her. She's all flirty and shy. Like a teenage girl.
Will: Yeah. Are you there, God? It's me, Satan.

Karen: What? You mean like on a date? Oh, I don't know. I've been married to Stan for so long, the last time I was on a date, Bush was president and we were about to go to war with Iraq.
Jack: Don't worry, Kare. It's like riding a bicycle, only you're naked. And the seat's off.
Will: (to Jack) You can't borrow my bike anymore.

Jack: Wait! You don't understand. Barry is my soul mate.
Will:You haven't even met him.
Jack: I love him!
Will: You're crazy.
(Will pushes Jack out the door)
Jack (yelling from outside): Crazy in love!

Jack: What? Why him? Why not me? Will's hideous! (To Will) No you're not. (To Karen) He's gross! (To Will) Not really. (To Karen) People flee from him. (To Will) Not everyone!


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Karen: (to Will) I forget what you are nowadays, gay or straight? Wait, wait, wait, let me do a little test. There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and it's on fire. Which do you save?
Will: Why are they in a tent?

Karen: Hey, you're no prize pig yourself! You got a layer of pink flab, pug nose, squiggly tail-hey wait a minute, maybe you are a prize pig! (snort snort)
Will: Why are you in my life, you awful, awful woman?

(Will and Jack are talking about how they are going to help Barry)
Will: Okay, so we're clear on this, right? You're gonna be in charge of Barry's body. I'm gonna work on his mind.
Jack: Okay. But if you have his mind and I have the body, who gets the hair? 'Cause it grows out of the mind, but it's still kinda part of the body.
Will: That's a very good question. And that makes me feel even better about being in charge of the mind.

Karen: Now, come on, honey. I'm a little more together than you think.
Leo: (propping a bouquet in the doorway) Hey, hey! Anyone order a Cookie bouquet?
Karen: The TALKING COOKIES! They're BAAAAAAAACK!! (runs into the back with the fabrics)

Ellen: Ever since we had our second baby, I've been wanting to take a fork and just stab Rob in the balls with it. But I'm not about to bother him with that at the office.

Karen: Oh, my mood stabilizer party mix. Uppers, downers, and candy corn. And don't tell my doctor, he's trying to get me off sugar.

Grace: (about Karen) The woman once had a heated debate with a can of cashews. And somehow, they SWAYED her.

Karen: Here honey, have some party mix, it'll mark you feel better... or worse. That's what I love about party mix, you never know.

Jack: (to Will) Go keep an eye on Barry, he doesn't understand how predatory some of these guys can be. Ooh, excuse me, I see a defenseless queerling who's wandered away from the flock.

Grace: I love gay events. I just got my eyebrows waxed in the Mens' Room. Meanwhile, in the Ladies' Room, I learned how to re-wire a lamp.

Grace: (while picking out a dress) This one's slitty, this one's slutty, this one's titty, this one's butty.

Jack: (while turning to look at Will) Reluctant pivot, inquisitive head tilt?

Jack: I-I-I figured if you didn't know I was there, you'd be yourself. And you were. Watch the tape if you don't believe me. You were free and uninhibited.
Grace: Oh, my God, you were there for that part?
Jack: Don't worry, I'm going to score that section, with violins, and maybe a slide whistle for comedy. (imitates a slide whistle)
Grace: That's not what it looked like! I'm a very thorough soaper.

Jack: All right, Joanne, let's try it again. And remember, you've been unjustly accused of adultery, they've taken away your children, and you've just now realized you're blind.
Joanne: Blind, got it.
Jack: (puts on a pair of half-rim glasses) And--action.
Joanne: Today's winning Powerball numbers are 16, 53, 31, and 7.

Will: You know what, guys, it's fine. Please, go back to doing whatever it was your meds led you to believe you were actually doing.

Will: (to Leo) You went to the laundry room?! I told you to stay in the apartment! What if Grace had seen you? What if Grace had been in the laundry room? She wouldn't be doing laundry, but there is a candy machine down there.

Will: I got you something great. You want a hint?
Grace: No! You know I have to be surprised. Remember two years ago how upset I got when you left your present out for me to find?
Will: Left it out? It was hidden in a storage locker in Queens. That I rented under an assumed name. You bit through a combination lock.
Grace: Just make sure it doesn't happen again.

Karen: What is this place? It's pretty! Where are the fish?
Jack: No, Karen. It is a laundromat. People come here to clean their clothes. Then they re-use them!
Karen: Why, poor people are just plain clever. I wonder why they can't figure out a way to make more money!
Grace: You've never been to a laundromat before? Why am I surprised? Last week at the post office she kept tapping on the window and feeding peanuts to the clerk.
Karen (Looking at a notice board): There's so much real life I've never experienced. Sectional sofas for sale, missing cats, Battered Women's shelters. FUN! Honey, look at me, I'm finally using the internet!

Liz: You’re gonna get me into SO much trouble!
Karen: If you’re lucky!
Liz: You’re crazy!
Karen: Like a fox!
Liz: I doubt it!
Karen: You wish!
Liz: Don’t I ever?
Karen: You and what army?

Grace: (on the phone) This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I was in there yesterday, I told you I would be back today, and now you're telling me that you're all out?! Do you know how much business I've given you over the years? How much money I've spent? You idiots never make enough chili!

Jack: Sorry, no public displays of affection. They don't know I'm gay here.
Cam: I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.

Jason: Hey, Mrs. Walker, sorry I'm late. I figured, since I'm a lawyer now, I should probably have a suit. I stopped off at The Men's Wearhouse, but my credit card got declined. So I had to call my mom, but… not to worry. I got the suit, and I'm ready to get medieval on law's ass. Hi.

Jack: Well, I took a little inish and got you a meeting with an associate of mine. And by "associate," I mean friend. And by friend, I mean lover. And by lover, I mean (growls) . . . And by (growl) I mean . . . (rubs his fingers together) wealthy.

Jack: (to Karen at Stan's funeral) I'm gonna go and make sure all the unattractive people are in the back. You shouldn't have to bear anymore pain today.

Karen: Most of you know about the recent troubles Stan and I have had. Just in case you don't, I'll get you up to speed, the British whore killed him. But the truth is we really did care about each other. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I want you all to leave so I can find out what’s in his will... I’m not kidding. If you’re not in the will, please exit. The good people of Neutrogena have provided wonderful gift-bags. Please pick one up on your way out!

(Reading Stanley's will)
Will: 'First and foremost, for her years of undying love and loyalty, I leave to my dear, dear maid, Rosario, the sum of $10 million dollars...'
(Everyone gasps)
Rosario: (Jumping up) I'm free! I'm free from that evil witch. (to Karen) I hope you rot, and I hope it hurts.
Will: '...to be paid upon the completion of 20 more years of service to Karen Walker.'


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
(Karen and Will enter)
Karen: Who does that Stanley Walker think he is? Trying to cheat me outta half of his fortune? I gave that man the drunkest years of my life!
Will: Oh, you've still got some good drunk years ahead of you, I bet.
Karen: (To Jack and Grace) Oh, and you two wouldn't believe the lawyer that Stan has. Hmm, this Truman fella. Tricky little queen. Mincing around the conference room, (with a limp wrist) 'I object, move to the strike.'
Will: Yeah, he was a riot. You know who else was something? The pill-popping shrew trying to get her hands on Stan's money. Yeah. Falling asleep on the conference table, waking up with a shriek, throwing up a little in her purse.

Grace: Look, Will. We've been cooking.
(Grace holds up the bowl of Macaroni and Cheese)
Will: Oh, a cuisine of Chef Boy-are-you-lazy.
Grace: Hey, we were just trying to do something nice. Sorry, if it wasn't as fancy as you would've done it. With your squeezing pepper, and your stirring things in bowls.
Will: Sorry, it's just been a difficult day... watching Joan Crawford address PepsiCo.
Karen: Oh, yeah, real rough day for you. Meanwhile, my soon-to-be ex-husband is trying to screw me over. I gave that man the drunkest years of my life!
Will: Stop saying that here, stop saying that to the judge!

Will: I still can't believe Stan's gone. And I must say, it was a beautiful funeral.
Jack: It was, and it really got me thinking. We were the best looking ones there.
Will: I know. I mean, we were, like, the reason it was beautiful.

Karen: Hey, lovers, I hate to interrupt the honeymoon, but we're just about to scatter Stan's ashes. And, Will, there are three things I want to tell you. One--I really appreciate your being here.
Will: What are the other two?
Karen: Oh, when you sit like that, I can see your man berries.

Will: I still have no idea why he thought we were a couple. Is that your third glass of wine?
Jack: Are you counting?

Jack: Closure is important. Like, you know...I didn't watch Dawson's Creek this season. And now, all of a sudden, it's gone. And, uh... (voice breaking) I never got a chance to say good-bye.
Will: It was a lot easier for me. I had like, eight of my "Creek" buddies over. We cried, we shared, we baked. It was healing. And now looking back on it, embarrassing.

Will: Ok, look, remember on the boat when you came into the room and Jack and I were...in bed?
Grace: Yeah.
Will: Together?
Grace: Right.
Will: Without any clothes on, after a night of drinking?
(Grace looks at Will blankly)
Will: And we're gay..?
Grace: (gasps) Oh, my God!!

Jack:(to Will, about possibly having slept together) Look, if something happened, you would've remembered, because it's so rare for you.
Will: Right. And if something had happened, you would've left and my wallet would be missing.

Karen (talking very quickly): ...Oh, by the way, every room in the boat is under video surveillance. I took a look at the tape and nothing happened between you guys, just the occasional gas and some soft weeping. Whew, there's a lot of caffeine in a Red Bull!

Karen: I saved her life
Will: Karen, standing over the bathtub with a toaster and NOT dropping it in, is not saving her life.

Grace: So you had a fling before me. I had hundreds. It was like a revolving door of loser after loser after loser after-- Wait.

Karen: (about the dog, Chompers) I'd keep him, but every time I see him he makes me think of Lorraine. She used to sit on the couch and gnaw at her ass too.

Will: (to Grace) Maybe it's just as well you never did take a ride on the Truman train. That could have ruined you for life.
Leo: Train? You had one passenger.
Will: Yes, but at least she got off.

Grace: I'm not mad. And I'll tell you why I'm mad. Because I'm not mad.
Will: You're not making any sense.
Grace: Oh! And all of the sudden, you're the Vice President of "Things That Make Sense"?
Will: Why vice president?
Grace: Because Leo's president. Deal with it.

Diane: (to Will) You spun me right 'round, baby. Right 'round, like a record, baby! Right 'round, 'round, 'round!

Diane: (comparing Leo and Will's performances in bed) Will was better.
Will: Yes!
Leo: What do you mean "Will was better"? He couldn't find a G-spot with Yahoo! Maps.
Jack and Karen: Yahoo-oo!


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Will: Hey, mom, you know what we should do?
Marilyn: Your father was selfish in bed.
Will: That's right, the vacuum game!
Jack: Oh, I love the vacuum game. But do they make attachments for girls?
Will: Not that vacuum game.

James: Let's all remember the words of that great Dane, 'the purpose of playing, was and is to hold, as it were, the mirror up to nature.'
Jack: Great Dane, yeah right, like a dog can hold a mirror.

Jack: The theatre is...well, it's my life. I live it, I breathe it, I fondle it 'til it falls asleep. But more importantly, I respect it. By the way, do you know what play we're doing?

Karen: Come on, Jack. "Daiquiri." Visualize it. Okay, now, we're at our favorite leather bar. There's a sign in the corner which reads, "If you're wearing a harness, daiquiris are free from 5:00 to 6:00." Do ya see it?
(Karen points off to the distance)
Jack: (Looking) Hmm... I don't.
Karen: Wait till the fat queen moves.
Jack: Okay, now I see it.
Karen: Now spell it!
Jack: D-A... I can't see it, the fat queen is back.
Karen: Spell it!
Jack: D-A-I-Q-U-I-R-I.

Karen: Oh, uh, excuse me, waiter. (Loudly) I would like some tea. I-T!
Jack: Wait a minute. Karen, those almost sound like letters.
Judge: I'm sorry. Hag Number 12, you're gonna have to leave.
Karen: No!
Jack: M-A-I-T...
Karen: Hey, get your paws off of me! Who do you think you are?! "R"!
Jack: M-A-I-T... R...
Karen: Eeee! A mouse! Eeee!
Jack: Uh... M-A-I-T-R...
Karen: "D"!
Jack: Would you keep her out of here?!
Karen: No! Jack! Without my help, this could end in a catastra-postrophe.

(Karen is coaching Jack for the Gay Spelling Bee)
Karen: Let's cut through the bull. If you want to win, we're gonna have to cheat. So I'll write 30 words on my left boob and 32 on my right.
(Jack gives Karen a confused look)
Karen: What? It's a little bit bigger.
Jack: No, Karen! You can't write the answers on your boobs!
Karen: Why not? It's the only place in a gay bar that nobody's gonna look.

Will: So Grace still isn't feeling well? I thought food poisoning was supposed to be, like, a 24-hour thing?
Leo: It is... if you stop eating the shrimp.
Will: Well, why didn't you just throw it out?
Leo: I did.
Will: Oh!

Jack: Shame on you for perpetuating the stereotype of the weak gay man that's reduced to hysterics under the slightest bit of stress.
(Leo walks a sobbing Will to the elevator)
Leo: Shhh, it's ok...
Will: It's ok for you!
Karen: I know honey, it's terrible. It's just like saying that certain religious groups are cheap.
Leo: There's my penny!

Lyle: Perhaps for every kiss you give me, I could give you a piece of information.
Karen: That's outrageous! You must think I'm a common whore! So, do you want my top on or off?
Lyle: Well, I'm a gentleman. So why don't you keep it on, and I'll rip it off?

Karen: I went to the doctor. Here, my x-ray. Happy? Sheesh.
Will: This is the x-ray of a cat.
Karen: Meow?

Karen: Honey, I know it’s scary. Hey, when I started working in the corporate world of Grace Adler designs I was terrified. Would she like me? Would I be good at my job? And now look at me, honey, I’m one of the richest women in the world. Yes there’s no connection but if you pause in the right places and emphasise the right words it sounds very inspiring.

Karen: (about Candice Bergen) Oh, I hope she didn't see me. We're in a little bit of a war. See, I crank called her and pretended to be The Kennedy Center. Told her she was getting a lifetime achievement award. And then, I said 'psych!' But she got me back.
Jack: Really? What'd she do?
Karen: I'll tell ya. She waited ten minutes. And then, she crank called me pretending to be, get this, The Kennedy Center. Told me I was getting a lifetime achievement award. Then, when I got excited, she said, 'gotcha!' Can you imagine? 'Gotcha!' Never saw it coming!

Karen: Lorraine Finster! You murdering *****! You've got a lot of balls showing up here.
Lorraine: No, I don't. My parents had them removed when they decided to raise me as a girl.

Lyle: Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak--
Grace: Please, one of us has to go!
Karen (to Lyle): Get out.
Lyle: Very well. But know this, every vagina--
Grace: GET OUT!!

Karen: Honey, these noodles are terrif'. And that's a big compliment coming from me. I'm Asian.
Grace: They're amazing, aren't they? I just want to strip naked and writhe around in a giant take-out container full of them.
Karen: (pushing her bowl away) And I guess I'm done.

Grace: (to Will) You've got a sugar daddy!
Will: What?!
Jack: This is so unfair! I would do a sugar daddy for a horse. Hell, I'd do a horse for a sugar daddy!

Jack: I'm done with men. 2004 is all about women... who walk like men. Men are hot. I miss men. I'm back on men.

Jack: Will, the sweetest thing just happened. The lady on the elevator said we were a cute couple.
Stuart: Well, actually she said, 'Stop making out or the fires of hell will consume you.'
Jack: That's just an expression. Like 'we don't want your kind in our neighborhood' or 'there he is, get him.'

Lois: Well, you know, I was working on the apartment. And I just--I got so depressed. I mean, it needs so much work. I think I'm gonna need a professional.
Karen: Mama, you're in luck. Grace is a designer. Yes. She's got a great eye for color. She's good with clients. And she does amazing things with fabric.
Grace: God, Karen, you're so sweet.
Karen: But you better have a lot of money in the budget for Egg McMuffins, because Heavy G like to eat.