Sex Jokes
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A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” she says, “my husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore.”
“Hmm,” replies the doctor. “Have you considered taking a lover?”
“I did that,” she says, “and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me.”
“How about taking another lover?”
“I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough.”
“My goodness,” says the doctor, “you’re quite an anomaly.”
“Oh, thank God,” says the woman. “Will you please tell them I’m an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut.”
“Hmm,” replies the doctor. “Have you considered taking a lover?”
“I did that,” she says, “and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me.”
“How about taking another lover?”
“I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough.”
“My goodness,” says the doctor, “you’re quite an anomaly.”
“Oh, thank God,” says the woman. “Will you please tell them I’m an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut.”
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "Youre probably the best lover Ive ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."
This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochios relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.
"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"
"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"
This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochios relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.
"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"
"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"
(Is it wrong that I found more funny sex jokes than drunk jokes?)
Anyhoo . . . .
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”
“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”
Anyhoo . . . .
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”
“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”
A hot coed visits a doctor for a physical. After the checkup the doctor says, “Everything looks fine, but why is an M imprinted on your stomach?”
“My boyfriend goes to Michigan,” she replies. “He loves his school so much that he wears his varsity jacket during sex.”
The next day a different coed visits the same doctor, and she also has an M on her stomach.
“Let me guess,” says the doctor, “your boyfriend goes to Michigan.”
“No, but my girlfriend’s at Wisconsin.”
“My boyfriend goes to Michigan,” she replies. “He loves his school so much that he wears his varsity jacket during sex.”
The next day a different coed visits the same doctor, and she also has an M on her stomach.
“Let me guess,” says the doctor, “your boyfriend goes to Michigan.”
“No, but my girlfriend’s at Wisconsin.”
A man goes to see a psychiatrist, who shows him a picture of an inkblot.
“What does this picture remind you of?” the doctor asks.
“A lesbian nun orgy,” the guy replies.
“How about this one?” the shrink asks, holding up another picture.
“A cheerleader orgy,” the guy says.
After three more pictures, the doctor finally puts down the cards. “You are a sick pervert,” he says.
“Me?” the guy says indignantly. “You’re the one who keeps showing me dirty pictures.”
“What does this picture remind you of?” the doctor asks.
“A lesbian nun orgy,” the guy replies.
“How about this one?” the shrink asks, holding up another picture.
“A cheerleader orgy,” the guy says.
After three more pictures, the doctor finally puts down the cards. “You are a sick pervert,” he says.
“Me?” the guy says indignantly. “You’re the one who keeps showing me dirty pictures.”
A guy walks into a bar one day and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! You must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy walks into the bar and places the same order. When the bartender asks what the problem is this time, the answer comes back, “I just found out that my younger brother is gay, too.
On the third day the guy walks into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, “Geez, doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” “Yeah, my wife.”
The barman says “Wow! You must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy walks into the bar and places the same order. When the bartender asks what the problem is this time, the answer comes back, “I just found out that my younger brother is gay, too.
On the third day the guy walks into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, “Geez, doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” “Yeah, my wife.”
A lady visits the doctor complaining of her husband's sexual difficulties. The doctor asks her if she's tried Viagra.
"Not a chance," she replies. "My husband won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," says the doctor. "Just slip it in his coffee. He won't even taste it."
A week later the woman returns to the doctor.
"It was horrible!" she exclaims. "I did as you told me. The effect was almost immediate. He finished his coffee, picked me up, put me on the table and made vigorous, passionate love to me right there."
The doctor then says, "I don't understand. Wasn't it satisfactory?"
The woman replies, "Oh, yes, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again."
"Not a chance," she replies. "My husband won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," says the doctor. "Just slip it in his coffee. He won't even taste it."
A week later the woman returns to the doctor.
"It was horrible!" she exclaims. "I did as you told me. The effect was almost immediate. He finished his coffee, picked me up, put me on the table and made vigorous, passionate love to me right there."
The doctor then says, "I don't understand. Wasn't it satisfactory?"
The woman replies, "Oh, yes, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again."
