Scarves Scarfaholics Anonymous - shopping and mental health

[xincinsin]

One problem I have which developed over time was the increasing tolerance of prices. Someone mentioned this on one of the bag threads. She used to buy much cheaper purses. Then one day, she realized that the price of a Kelly no longer alarmed her. I use the retail price of a 90 as my benchmark. But some grail designs are only available at retail + $$$. And every time I pay retail +$$$ for a hard-to-find design, my tolerance level goes up. I have to consciously remind myself: "Excuse me, but that is EXPENSIVE!"

 

[blydia]

I so appreciate that you chose to bring up this topic here. You share a compelling perspective! I have personally thought the same thing about myself at times. Not necessarily with scarves, but shopping in general. I’m the same as you — I can afford it financially, and I pay for my shopping myself, but at times it feels compulsive and even addictive. I find that this can make it difficult to explain to someone, since the first assumption is, “Are you putting yourself in a bad place financially?” When the answer is “no,” then most people respond with something like, “Then it’s fine! Treat yourself!” But what if it doesn’t feel “fine” on the inside?

I notice that I use shopping as a way to escape when I don’t want to think about other things (or when I’m bored). If I’m busy with work, hobbies, events, etc, then the desire to research, buy, repeat drifts away.

I do also LOVE beautiful things, as you said. I love the colors, textures, sensory experience, etc, but I think excessive shopping actually means that I don’t get to appreciate what I have nearly as much (as I’m always thinking about what’s next). It truly is addictive, and something that I hope gets talked about more and more on this forum. Thank you for starting the conversation.

that's the thing - the same behaviour can be source of joy and happiness for one person and source of stress and suffering for the next because it's the inner world around the behaviour that matters. Do you chose to do it or do you feel some sort of compulsion. And not feeling in control one of the big causations of stress in humans...

You bring up an important point. When I opened up to my husband about feeling compelled to shop, his answer was: - well if it's causing you so much stress, why don't you just stop?!

but that's not how this thing works, is it. for me it's an escape mechanism from feeling bad about certain struggles, bored (like you say), or also typical procrastination when I'm tired. So I'm trying to replace that with something that I want to be doing. I started singing lessons again and set myself a reading challenge on goodreads. it's not a cure-all but it helps to fill my time with other things that are less stress-causing to me.

 

[blydia]

Really intriguing topic, and one I've surely pondered.

(I'm pretty sure I have a problem... ) Even if I got rid of half my scarves, I'd still have more than you Blydia.

FOMO is certainly a factor, just as the recurrent guilt is after (or during) a purchase and the "urge" for pretty things (oooh- shiney!) and dragon hoarding tendencies.

I sort of like the tracking app idea, though for me it might also kill the joy too but I haven't really buckled down to try it so far. The closest I come is SOTD pics. I sort of track what I am wearing most that way. But if it is helpful for you or for anyone, and will help you use what you have and/or curb purchases, then it's a potentially great tool and one I have pondered using form time to time.

It usually comes down to 2 thought processes. The first one is that I DO wear a scarf every day (unless I am working with a torch or in the garden dirt). In summer, they may be limited to when I go out or am in a cold building at work, but in pleasant or cold weather it is every day, all day. I used to wear scarves when I was younger too, and when I began acquiring (expensive) scarves (2014) my rationale at the time was "I'm only going to wear them more as I get older". Seeing 40 and then 50 staring you in the face, well, mostly I don't give a rats @$$ what people think about me and if I want to wear a scarf every day, then I will (by golly). That fits right in to my future YOLO eccentric old lady vibe. So from this perspective, CPW has no meaning. But from my wallet's perspective, CPW is a great way to track myself and how often I am using things. It may indeed be a good way to try to better hone what I "need" versus the "ooo--shiney" factor.

For me, the app is now actually fun, because when I feel the twitch I go there and plan outfits
I love your eccentric old lady plan - i have the same path in my mind.

 

[blydia]

One problem I have which developed over time was the increasing tolerance of prices. Someone mentioned this on one of the bag threads. She used to buy much cheaper purses. Then one day, she realized that the price of a Kelly no longer alarmed her. I use the retail price of a 90 as my benchmark. But some grail designs are only available at retail + $$$. And every time I pay retail +$$$ for a hard-to-find design, my tolerance level goes up. I have to consciously remind myself: "Excuse me, but that is EXPENSIVE!"

oh yeah, totally!!! and it seeps into other areas - like buying H scarves has lowered my price sensitivity for shoes and clothes. Luckily I'm not really into bags lol hope I don't catch that bug..
I guess it's a form of habituation.

 

[blydia]

a few thoughts:
1. Have you tried a "x scarves per season"-limit? (with a small x, of course) I try to stick to x=2 (doesn't always work, but I buy much less than in previous seasons)
2. I think you're a rather new/young collector (2017). I think FOMO/saying no to SAs/... gets better in time. At some point there won't be enough room in your closet so you'll really start to think about new purchases. Or you'll think "I like cosmographia (or whatever) more than this new scarf, I don't need the new one" or "the color scheme of this new scarf is rather similar to this old scarf I have, I don't need to buy the new one".
By the way, regarding saying "no": you can always put things on hold and think about them if you're unsure. I do it quite often at Hermès boutiques, no one cares. After all, it's your money.
3. Look at previous seasons: Which designs do you consider grails? There aren't that many, are there? Try not to miss those holy grails (personal grails, not what's popular here on tpf), and with all the other scarves: always remember that it might be nice to have them, but not buying them won't really hurt either.
4. How many scarves do you want to have eventually? I know that some of us have 300+ scarves -- I personally couldn't live like that, I don't want to wear a scarf only once a year (at most). An upper limit might be 50? 100? I don't know. Just start calculating: You've been buying for 3 years, you have 30 scarves, that's 10 per year. Do you want to stop shopping at H in 2 years? Or in 7 years? It would be a pity, wouldn't it? Buying fewer scarves means buying scarves for a longer period of time, that might be a nice motivation.

These are all things on my mind at this point, very true. Like with 30 scarves you wear them 1/month. That's an ok rate for me. 1 every 2 months... not really. so I think I am approaching a hard stop at some point.

For that reason I try not to buy vintage anymore. I pretty much have all the designs i want - so that should slow naturally as I've "caught up" in a way with old seasons.

And I soon will have to establish something like a 1 in 1 out rule if i want to acquire further. that means that I need to give up one of my scarves to buy a new one and that will up the hurdle massively (and more and more over time).
I was going for 2 per season as well (and already overshot, dang it). but will stick to that target.

but obviously, for collectors this is much different, i just don't consider myself a collector.

 

[Bova123]

Thank you for starting this thread @blydia. I find I struggle with the same obsession when it comes to H scarves and other H accessories. I started my collecting on a very small scale over 25 years ago, acquiring 3 scarves only. Then with having young children and life, my scarf wearing stopped. Fast forward about 20 years later, and I found this forum and Maitai's blog and my scarf collecting began in earnest. I never thought I would get so many scarves over that past 5 years or so, added with the desire for some associated matching fashion jewelry etc.

So now, I am thinking long and hard about tracking how much I wear each scarf, and considering more of a 1 in 1 out type of system.

Like many of us, I get caught up in the mania of a new season...obsess about finding and trying a new design and oftentimes buying too early in the season because of FOMO. So I am trying very hard to wait a bit before buying a new design this year. I have done ok thus far...only buying Plumes en Fete. I've tried many, but am thinking I may be ok with just this one at the moment. As my lovely SA will say to me, buy only what you love. The problem is I love too many!! But in all seriousness, she has a point, I may love many of the designs and CW's but I really need be more thoughtful in my purchases...less rush to just get it and experience that immediate high that often fades into regret after a less than thought out purchase.

I look forward to trying out the app you mention as well as beginning to track on excel which scarves I actually truly wear. Then perhaps I can let go of some and allow for a reasonable CPW on the remaining scarves.

Thanks to all who are sharing on this thread...such a wonderful group of truly kind, intelligent and supportive people here

 

[ChocolatChaud]

What a wonderful thread! I can definitely relate - I fell headfirst down the orange slope starting in 2018. That first year was a grail hunt, and my wallet was in a coma. FOMO was definitely part of it - if I found one of my grails, I justified the price by thinking I would *never* find another in that condition, cw, etc. Then the price tolerance that @xincinsin mentioned kicks in.

And I have to admit that seeing the new seasons here on TPF has fueled my purchases at times. But through trial and error (several errors!), I’ve learned to enjoy others treasures, but realize that just because it looks awesome on someone else, I don’t have to have it. Because truth be told, there are colors I CANNOT wear - an expensive lesson to learn!

Fast forward 2 years, and I have a stack of orange boxes in my closets, and am looking hard at what gets worn and what stays in its box. I do wear a scarf most days, September thru May, but notice that some of my must-haves never get worn, so I’m in the process of rehoming them. Not an easy task, because I have (heated) internal arguments about what stays and what goes, but I’m sticking to my guns and if I don’t wear it (whatever the reason), then it has to go.

 

[Cordeliere]

. How much time am I spending on this (earning, searching, looking, deliberating, buying, and/or hiding)? Is this more or less time than I want to be spending on this?

You have an interesting perspective. I quote your signature: "The price of anything is the amount of life you pay for it."

I don't have too many and I haven't spent too much, but the habit of looking is expensive in terms of how much of my life it eats up. I have to say: Looking is very entertaining. It is such easy and available entertainment. I can do it from flat on my back on the couch while the tv is on. But I think that entertainment time could be spent to my betterment doing other things.

It is sort of like the saying "who at the end of their life wishes they had spent more time at the office." At the end of my life, am I going to wish I had spent more time looking at scarves? Probably not. I rather suspect I will wish I had used this time doing something that strengthens my body or mind more.

 

[bunnycat]

One problem I have which developed over time was the increasing tolerance of prices. Someone mentioned this on one of the bag threads. She used to buy much cheaper purses. Then one day, she realized that the price of a Kelly no longer alarmed her. I use the retail price of a 90 as my benchmark. But some grail designs are only available at retail + $$$. And every time I pay retail +$$$ for a hard-to-find design, my tolerance level goes up. I have to consciously remind myself: "Excuse me, but that is EXPENSIVE!"

The price creep adjustment is real for sure. I would never have thought I’d have been ok spending that much on a scarf 5 years ago, but here we are. I (and the wallet) survive and then you go...ok that was doable...”let’s do it again!”

Thank you for starting this thread @blydia. I find I struggle with the same obsession when it comes to H scarves and other H accessories. I started my collecting on a very small scale over 25 years ago, acquiring 3 scarves only. Then with having young children and life, my scarf wearing stopped. Fast forward about 20 years later, and I found this forum and Maitai's blog and my scarf collecting began in earnest. I never thought I would get so many scarves over that past 5 years or so, added with the desire for some associated matching fashion jewelry etc.

So now, I am thinking long and hard about tracking how much I wear each scarf, and considering more of a 1 in 1 out type of system.

Like many of us, I get caught up in the mania of a new season...obsess about finding and trying a new design and oftentimes buying too early in the season because of FOMO. So I am trying very hard to wait a bit before buying a new design this year. I have done ok thus far...only buying Plumes en Fete. I've tried many, but am thinking I may be ok with just this one at the moment. As my lovely SA will say to me, buy only what you love. The problem is I love too many!! But in all seriousness, she has a point, I may love many of the designs and CW's but I really need be more thoughtful in my purchases...less rush to just get it and experience that immediate high that often fades into regret after a less than thought out purchase.

I look forward to trying out the app you mention as well as beginning to track on excel which scarves I actually truly wear. Then perhaps I can let go of some and allow for a reasonable CPW on the remaining scarves.

Thanks to all who are sharing on this thread...such a wonderful group of truly kind, intelligent and supportive people here

Yes the new season mania also does not help.

What a wonderful thread! I can definitely relate - I fell headfirst down the orange slope starting in 2018. That first year was a grail hunt, and my wallet was in a coma. FOMO was definitely part of it - if I found one of my grails, I justified the price by thinking I would *never* find another in that condition, cw, etc. Then the price tolerance that @xincinsin mentioned kicks in.

And I have to admit that seeing the new seasons here on TPF has fueled my purchases at times. But through trial and error (several errors!), I’ve learned to enjoy others treasures, but realize that just because it looks awesome on someone else, I don’t have to have it. Because truth be told, there are colors I CANNOT wear - an expensive lesson to learn!

Fast forward 2 years, and I have a stack of orange boxes in my closets, and am looking hard at what gets worn and what stays in its box. I do wear a scarf most days, September thru May, but notice that some of my must-haves never get worn, so I’m in the process of rehoming them. Not an easy task, because I have (heated) internal arguments about what stays and what goes, but I’m sticking to my guns and if I don’t wear it (whatever the reason), then it has to go.

Ooooh yes indeed- very lively arguments too!

I do try to practice 1 in 1 out as much as I can.

 

[ladysarah]

So one trick that has been working for me recently (also for clothes) is calculating and tracking cost per wear. Maybe just hearing my numbers may be enough or you could try it yourself (it's probably not for everyone).

I wore my Kawa Ora CSGM 3 times so far, so basically each wear cost me like 360$. Now some of my older CSGM I wore more - my Phoenix 30 times. that's still 35$ per wear.

I have 30 scarves (started collecting early 2017) and wear a scarf every single day since pretty much 2018 (that's about 600-700 wears).
my average Cost per wear right now is still 57$ (I have a spreadsheet..). That is still very expensive to me - Imagine you would rent your scarves for 60$ per day!! whoot??!!

summing it all up in one table is a reality check in itself and not for the faint of heart (but kinda fun) (It also made me realise that i need to up my insurance)

In the end, I want to bring down that cost. And here's the point. Whenever I buy a new scarf, I not only start at a high Cost Per Wear (CPW), I also have less opportunity to bring down the CPW from my old scarves.
A season has 180days. Assuming I wear a scarf every day and don't want to pay more than 10$ per day that gives me a budget of 1800 per season. But that will mean my cost per wear on my older scarves will stay the same.
It kills the rationalization: "But I'll wear this tons" - because you'll wear it at the cost of wearing something else.
------
for tracking, I use an app called cladwell. It's free and you can do outfit planning with it. It's a great way of love your current capsule more (i.e. instead of looking at new stuff you play with your old stuff). I have uploaded all my scarves as "shoes" (because they don't let you do accessories) and I typically plan out the outfits for the week on the weekend. The app will track how often you wore your item for you, which is kinda neat.
Here's a screenshot of the user interface:
View attachment 4672081
this is how the outfit layout looks
View attachment 4672088
and that's the stats you get when you click on an individual item
View attachment 4672094

omg! This is great !! Iam all about cost per wear CPW and will have to try your system. But let’s not be too hard on ourselves there is also PPW (pleasure per wear...)

 

[bunnycat]

omg! This is great !! Iam all about cost per wear CPW and will have to try your system. But let’s not be too hard on ourselves there is also PPW (pleasure per wear...)

Very much so, and that may be an exponential curve to CPW’s linear.

So maybe when PPW > CPW or PPW> unknown X it's a keeper. Whereas when PPW<CPW (and sadly, sometimes you don't know this until AFTER you buy it) then it slides to the rehome pile. (If you need a bottom line!)

 

[Ladybaga]

Thank you, blydia, for opening your heart to us and for sharing. I feel like I get on the FOMO bandwagon, too. One trick I do to remind myself of what I have is to make sure that I can see EVERY Hermes purchase in my closet and in my drawers. (To remind myself of what I have.) I fear that if I don't see it, I won't use it. I keep my scarves in their original boxes but label them on the rim of the lid so that I can read the colorway and design. My bangles and Clics, CDCs, KDT etc are out of the boxes and on bracelet racks in a deep drawer so that I can easily see them for use. My shawls are left hanging on velvet lined hangers in the closet. I know I have to cut back because I have too much and I don't want to sell anything. (I don't even know how to do that and for sentimental reasons, I want to keep my purchases.)

In the future, I will try to only buy what is different and truly unique and innovative. My SA also said that H is trying to reinvent classic designs to keep regular customers interested in the brand. For example: double sided scarves, clic H with enamel design on the "H", and new designs for CDC etc. From two seasons ago, I bought a double sided enamel bangle...These types of new items with a "twist" will keep me interested as not to "duplicate" what I already have.

The other thing I have had to do is to remind myself that if I didn't purchase the original scarf design when I had the chance, why would I buy the reissue? From here on out, the design needs to touch a personal chord with me, have special meaning.

I completely understand your struggle with how much is too much, and when does it end? I have been thinking these same thoughts, too and have felt consumed by Hermes consumerism. Price increases on all things keeps me in touch, too. For Hermes bags, I am very thankful for what I have and won't be buying any more of these. They have gotten too expensive, and at my age, I really need to use what I have. Thank goodness I don't troll ebay or other reseller sights. That opens up more doors for temptation and spending. Lately, I have glanced at the VCA thread here on Tpf. These ladies and gents have gorgeous collections. I can't get into that.... talk about another addiction!

I, like others have said, will admire what fellow Tpfers buy and model from afar. I really enjoy the pictures and it helps me with focusing on what I really want as opposed to going to the store "blind" and being so overwhelmed that I can't concentrate on the one thing I want to buy. I am also going to buy only for special occasions....Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary. I feel so guilty at times going in like it's a grocery store. These beautiful pieces of wearable art should be, for me, a celebration of a special occasion. I am going to try not to buy on impulse.

 

[scarf1]

Such an interesting thread!
For those wanting to track scarf or clothing usage, I use the Stylebook app.you can use your own pix, or use ones found on the internet.
In addition to cost per wear, I also use the what haven’t I worn in the last year report? Actually eye opening as there are many items that I haven’t worn in 12 months, but not ready to get rid of.

 

[blydia]

I feel so guilty at times going in like it's a grocery store. These beautiful pieces of wearable art should be, for me, a celebration of a special occasion. I am going to try not to buy on impulse.

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this! This last bit resonated with me a lot - I also want to start doing that again, as I have felt like Birthdays and Christmas aren't special anymore when I indulge whenever I want. Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I'm also trying to re-sensitize myself again a bit to the pricing by tracking cost per wear and imagining I actually spent that kind of money per day (like 2-3x what I pay for lunch here) to wear a scarf.

 

[Langsam]

What makes the slope so slippery - in my opinion - is FOMO. fear of missing out. it gives you a sense of urgency, which certainly makes me crank out that credit card easier.
Also, I find that the rush of wanting something is by no way proportionate with the short high of getting it. This is classical "salience attribution" - if only I get that one thing, it's all gonna be ok. Well no, life goes on, our wants have babies and new wants knock on the door. And actually, by making their goods artificially scarce and making us wait, the tap into that FOMO even more.

The power is being with the urge and letting it pass. appreciating something beautiful on somebody else.
for me, this currently is watching all those beautiful pics of c'est la fête. I could just forbid myself from going on this forum (tried that, doesn't work). So now instead I try to "surf the urge". I feel the urge in my chest, then I say to myself that I appreciate the beauty on the tPFler who posted it, am happy for them, and let it go. Same with that japan scarf. The one I like has similar colors to my animapolis, so I really have that niche filled. So I appreciate the pictures, am happy for the person owning it, and let it go... and once the pictures are out of sight, I feel the urge is gone pretty soon as well. just make sure to not save the pictures because they'll trigger the want again.

then I try to fill my time with some other activity, such as playing my instrument or read.

This is a fascinating thread, thank you for starting it! I have been feeling some of those feelings you describe. This season I too took a different approach of “enjoying on others” and letting the urge to purchase come and go (while still spending my fair share of time studying pictures and dreaming of course). I do enjoy the thrill of a new season purchase and frankly it wasn’t feeling all that special to me any more - that was my cue to reassess. This break has been a good reset. I definitely plan to keep collecting, and wait for the ones that feel special, that add something to my collection, and that fit my actual lifestyle (as opposed to being “should owns”). To that end, I did make one new purchase, a nano which I hope will meet all those criteria. Will show it when it arrives