Scarves Scarfaholics Anonymous - shopping and mental health

[Julide]

Love your scarf collection and the app, OP! This is a great thread. What you said reminds me of how I was a decade ago when I made purchases...I went through an involuntary decade-long drought of not having a lot of disposable income and I was able to cut back out of necessity. Now I’m able to purchase again and one technique that helps me is keeping a list on my phone of target purchases and every time I buy something I ask myself if I want it more than something on my list. I also read a recommendation to wait a month before making large purchases because if you still want it after a month then you really want it but chances are you won’t. I know that is hard to do for H, but those are two ways I’ve found that help me. Overall making deliberate purchases has actually started to make me happier in the long run!

A really great idea! I wait to end of the season to purchase my scarves. The first rush of excitement when the season is presented doesn’t work for me, every time I buy then I make a mistake. Also seeing how others model their scarves makes it easier to pick a scarf.

 

[skybluesky]

i think those are really good tips. shopping with a list in mind is always great. One of my main weaknesses still is in social settings with SAs. I’m so bad at saying no. maybe having a list to point to would be nice in that case. also, cool off periods are great. waiting for a night, or a week or a month- whichever you can do. one that I want to try is leaving the tags on for one week so I can still return the item if I change my mind.

I love this thread and how thought provoking it is! I have fun with my SA (even though it's a business relationship) and even though I've turned things down, sometimes I get swept up in the moment. And yes, I definitely experience FOMO.

I have four 90 scarves so far (bought in the last 4 months), and I actually get the most use out of them. I'm just trying to control myself for all the incoming scarves. I have way too many twillies already.

 

[bunnycat]

A really great idea! I wait to end of the season to purchase my scarves. The first rush of excitement when the season is presented doesn’t work for me, every time I buy then I make a mistake. Also seeing how others model their scarves makes it easier to pick a scarf.

I'm beginning to work this way too Julide.

 

[Julide]

I'm beginning to work this way too Julide.

Glad to hear I’m not alone. Though the FOMO is real during that time!!

 

[ichimatsu]

a few thoughts:
1. Have you tried a "x scarves per season"-limit? (with a small x, of course) I try to stick to x=2 (doesn't always work, but I buy much less than in previous seasons)
2. I think you're a rather new/young collector (2017). I think FOMO/saying no to SAs/... gets better in time. At some point there won't be enough room in your closet so you'll really start to think about new purchases. Or you'll think "I like cosmographia (or whatever) more than this new scarf, I don't need the new one" or "the color scheme of this new scarf is rather similar to this old scarf I have, I don't need to buy the new one".
By the way, regarding saying "no": you can always put things on hold and think about them if you're unsure. I do it quite often at Hermès boutiques, no one cares. After all, it's your money.
3. Look at previous seasons: Which designs do you consider grails? There aren't that many, are there? Try not to miss those holy grails (personal grails, not what's popular here on tpf), and with all the other scarves: always remember that it might be nice to have them, but not buying them won't really hurt either.
4. How many scarves do you want to have eventually? I know that some of us have 300+ scarves -- I personally couldn't live like that, I don't want to wear a scarf only once a year (at most). An upper limit might be 50? 100? I don't know. Just start calculating: You've been buying for 3 years, you have 30 scarves, that's 10 per year. Do you want to stop shopping at H in 2 years? Or in 7 years? It would be a pity, wouldn't it? Buying fewer scarves means buying scarves for a longer period of time, that might be a nice motivation.

 

[bunnycat]

The orange slippery slope is actually an understatement. It's more like a black hole - once you're in you don't get out. Or an orange hole.
I am a very visual person, I like beauty and I really appreciate the beautiful designs, the touch of the luxurious materials and I love to integrate them into my outfits.

But I don't feel fully in control.

Don't get me wrong - I am fortunate enough that I can afford all my purchases, so my worry is not financial in nature. Rather, I observe that I am in this loop of craving, buying, release, more craving... which is a typical sign of addiction. And I think there are certain features of this particular "collection hobby" that may fuel that loop (which is a typical addiction loop).
Here is a definition of addiction from the beautiful book "in the realm of hungry ghosts" by Gabor Maté:

1. compulsive engagement with the behaviour, a preoccupation with it
2. impaired control over the behaviour
3. persistence or relapse, despite evidence of harm
4. dissatisfaction, irritability or intense craving when the object is not immediately available

I don't know about you, but I can relate with most of the above.
I may not experience harm financially or physically, but I do often have feelings of guilt and shame. I often hide my purchases (even though I buy them with my own money and am free to do whatever I want).

The thing is, our biology is wired in a certain way and I believe H scarve collecting taps into that and that's why it can get so addictive.

So I am curious to know: Do you have a similar experience? Would you like me to explore this topic more and share some of my tricks that I'm implementing? Maybe you have tricks and tips of your own - I would be very grateful to hear them!

Really intriguing topic, and one I've surely pondered.

(I'm pretty sure I have a problem... ) Even if I got rid of half my scarves, I'd still have more than you Blydia.

FOMO is certainly a factor, just as the recurrent guilt is after (or during) a purchase and the "urge" for pretty things (oooh- shiney!) and dragon hoarding tendencies.

I sort of like the tracking app idea, though for me it might also kill the joy too but I haven't really buckled down to try it so far. The closest I come is SOTD pics. I sort of track what I am wearing most that way. But if it is helpful for you or for anyone, and will help you use what you have and/or curb purchases, then it's a potentially great tool and one I have pondered using form time to time.

It usually comes down to 2 thought processes. The first one is that I DO wear a scarf every day (unless I am working with a torch or in the garden dirt). In summer, they may be limited to when I go out or am in a cold building at work, but in pleasant or cold weather it is every day, all day. I used to wear scarves when I was younger too, and when I began acquiring (expensive) scarves (2014) my rationale at the time was "I'm only going to wear them more as I get older". Seeing 40 and then 50 staring you in the face, well, mostly I don't give a rats @$$ what people think about me and if I want to wear a scarf every day, then I will (by golly). That fits right in to my future YOLO eccentric old lady vibe. So from this perspective, CPW has no meaning. But from my wallet's perspective, CPW is a great way to track myself and how often I am using things. It may indeed be a good way to try to better hone what I "need" versus the "ooo--shiney" factor.

 

[ladybug333]

I completely agree with you that the criteria with which to identify addiction by these definitions can be used against collectors and hobbyists.


1. compulsive engagement with the behaviour, a preoccupation with it

This is also the definition of love

2. impaired control over the behaviour

This is also a characteristic of love

3. persistence or relapse, despite evidence of harm

This is also a pattern of behaviour detected in 'love gone wrong'

4. dissatisfaction, irritability or intense craving when the object is not immediately available

This is also evident in grief over a loved one's absence, passing, unrequited response or disengagement

Ergo, I think I just need to get married to an Hermes scarf (or at least get married in one).

Seriously. I really like this thread because it makes us think. Particularly in view of no. 3. If someone has a serious shopping habit (as in drug-addiction habit not just visiting the scarf counter every few months) then they should seek help, addiction needs outside help.

I am having a problem atm, as I overdosed on luxury items the last few months of 2019 and that behaviour has impacted my SS20 scarf dosage a month after the season's scarf launch. Can't have everything, especially when one is addicted to multiple drugs from several different dealers.

Certainly I can relate to being a visually stimulated person, I can literally say I love the world of fashion as I love art, beauty and colour. I do feel I need it around me everyday, every day.

I don’t mean this to come off in a rude way (at all, promise!), I just want to reframe some of what you’ve shared.

You mentioned that #1 and #2 (compulsive behavior and impaired control) can also be said of love. That might be true in movies, but actually, this type of behavior in a loving relationship actually sounds like codependence and isn’t the most healthy dynamic.

I did really like your joke about getting married to an Hermes scarf though. Haha!

 

[ladybug333]

The orange slippery slope is actually an understatement. It's more like a black hole - once you're in you don't get out. Or an orange hole.
I am a very visual person, I like beauty and I really appreciate the beautiful designs, the touch of the luxurious materials and I love to integrate them into my outfits.

But I don't feel fully in control.

Don't get me wrong - I am fortunate enough that I can afford all my purchases, so my worry is not financial in nature. Rather, I observe that I am in this loop of craving, buying, release, more craving... which is a typical sign of addiction. And I think there are certain features of this particular "collection hobby" that may fuel that loop (which is a typical addiction loop).
Here is a definition of addiction from the beautiful book "in the realm of hungry ghosts" by Gabor Maté:

1. compulsive engagement with the behaviour, a preoccupation with it
2. impaired control over the behaviour
3. persistence or relapse, despite evidence of harm
4. dissatisfaction, irritability or intense craving when the object is not immediately available

I don't know about you, but I can relate with most of the above.
I may not experience harm financially or physically, but I do often have feelings of guilt and shame. I often hide my purchases (even though I buy them with my own money and am free to do whatever I want).

The thing is, our biology is wired in a certain way and I believe H scarve collecting taps into that and that's why it can get so addictive.

So I am curious to know: Do you have a similar experience? Would you like me to explore this topic more and share some of my tricks that I'm implementing? Maybe you have tricks and tips of your own - I would be very grateful to hear them!

I so appreciate that you chose to bring up this topic here. You share a compelling perspective! I have personally thought the same thing about myself at times. Not necessarily with scarves, but shopping in general. I’m the same as you — I can afford it financially, and I pay for my shopping myself, but at times it feels compulsive and even addictive. I find that this can make it difficult to explain to someone, since the first assumption is, “Are you putting yourself in a bad place financially?” When the answer is “no,” then most people respond with something like, “Then it’s fine! Treat yourself!” But what if it doesn’t feel “fine” on the inside?

I notice that I use shopping as a way to escape when I don’t want to think about other things (or when I’m bored). If I’m busy with work, hobbies, events, etc, then the desire to research, buy, repeat drifts away.

I do also LOVE beautiful things, as you said. I love the colors, textures, sensory experience, etc, but I think excessive shopping actually means that I don’t get to appreciate what I have nearly as much (as I’m always thinking about what’s next). It truly is addictive, and something that I hope gets talked about more and more on this forum. Thank you for starting the conversation.

 

[ladybug333]

So one trick that has been working for me recently (also for clothes) is calculating and tracking cost per wear. Maybe just hearing my numbers may be enough or you could try it yourself (it's probably not for everyone).

I wore my Kawa Ora CSGM 3 times so far, so basically each wear cost me like 360$. Now some of my older CSGM I wore more - my Phoenix 30 times. that's still 35$ per wear.

I have 30 scarves (started collecting early 2017) and wear a scarf every single day since pretty much 2018 (that's about 600-700 wears).
my average Cost per wear right now is still 57$ (I have a spreadsheet..). That is still very expensive to me - Imagine you would rent your scarves for 60$ per day!! whoot??!!

summing it all up in one table is a reality check in itself and not for the faint of heart (but kinda fun) (It also made me realise that i need to up my insurance)

In the end, I want to bring down that cost. And here's the point. Whenever I buy a new scarf, I not only start at a high Cost Per Wear (CPW), I also have less opportunity to bring down the CPW from my old scarves.
A season has 180days. Assuming I wear a scarf every day and don't want to pay more than 10$ per day that gives me a budget of 1800 per season. But that will mean my cost per wear on my older scarves will stay the same.
It kills the rationalization: "But I'll wear this tons" - because you'll wear it at the cost of wearing something else.
------
for tracking, I use an app called cladwell. It's free and you can do outfit planning with it. It's a great way of love your current capsule more (i.e. instead of looking at new stuff you play with your old stuff). I have uploaded all my scarves as "shoes" (because they don't let you do accessories) and I typically plan out the outfits for the week on the weekend. The app will track how often you wore your item for you, which is kinda neat.
Here's a screenshot of the user interface:
View attachment 4672081
this is how the outfit layout looks
View attachment 4672088
and that's the stats you get when you click on an individual item
View attachment 4672094

WHOA!! This app is game-changing. So it’s basically a catalogue of all your clothes and accessories? Do you take the photos of each item, or did you find the photos online?

 

[Cordeliere]

I do also LOVE beautiful things, as you said. I love the colors, textures, sensory experience, etc, but I think excessive shopping actually means that I don’t get to appreciate what I have nearly as much (as I’m always thinking about what’s next).

This.

 

[Purseloco]

I completely agree with you that the criteria with which to identify addiction by these definitions can be used against collectors and hobbyists.


1. compulsive engagement with the behaviour, a preoccupation with it

This is also the definition of love

2. impaired control over the behaviour

This is also a characteristic of love

3. persistence or relapse, despite evidence of harm

This is also a pattern of behaviour detected in 'love gone wrong'

4. dissatisfaction, irritability or intense craving when the object is not immediately available

This is also evident in grief over a loved one's absence, passing, unrequited response or disengagement

Ergo, I think I just need to get married to an Hermes scarf (or at least get married in one).

Seriously. I really like this thread because it makes us think. Particularly in view of no. 3. If someone has a serious shopping habit (as in drug-addiction habit not just visiting the scarf counter every few months) then they should seek help, addiction needs outside help.

I am having a problem atm, as I overdosed on luxury items the last few months of 2019 and that behaviour has impacted my SS20 scarf dosage a month after the season's scarf launch. Can't have everything, especially when one is addicted to multiple drugs from several different dealers.

Certainly I can relate to being a visually stimulated person, I can literally say I love the world of fashion as I love art, beauty and colour. I do feel I need it around me everyday, every day.

May I quote you? Your explanation is fabulous. I have always had a problem, that is why I am on Purseforum. Fortunately, I am a Hermes addict now that is not independently wealthy, so I am limited to what I can purchase due to high prices. I feed my addiction by living vicariously through you lovely people. So far, I only have two scarfs.

 

[Uptown Luxer]

This is a real problem. I don’t feel like that towards scarves but I have a problem with jewelry and bags. I am new to Hermès and their bags are not really appealing to me except for the Kelly and the mini lindy. So I have to watch my behavior towards their jewelry and anything else that might come as a result of my new relationship with the brand. Thank you for being vulnerable

 

[Serva1]

I’m still a scarf newbie and I mostly prefer CSGMs, because they are easier for me to wear. Lately I have been interested in H scarf history, vintage or even antique H scarves, reading everything I can about the scarves, doing research etc. For me it’s definitely a hobby and I compare the expenses to a Birkin bag. I only buy the pieces I really really want. I don’t limit myself to a certain number, but rather, like with H bags, don’t buy on impulse. The design has to look good both folded and unfolded.

A wonderful tPFer suggested I start to keep a scarfdiary. This is something I’m working on. Scarves are like jewellery, they can easily elevate an outfit and I love my “ powerscarves” for meetings.

I’m missing a couple of grails, secretly hoping H will reissue them at some point and having some really nice pieces makes me patient and rational, so that I don’t overspend if buying vintage. Finding a grail in perfect condition is like treasure hunting. A part of the thrill is the research.

I don’t spend so much on my wardrobe nowadays, so that also justifices that I buy my shawls or even several of the same design if it’s what I want. In the beginning I bought too many twillies, but that was because I wanted to protect all my H bags.

When it comes to scarves and shawls I’m still “in control” of my buying and collecting. I’ve always been rational when it comes to my spending habits. The possible addiction is that I’m only interested in H nowadays. I don’t follow the other luxurybrands or buy their products.

 

[blydia]

A really great idea! I wait to end of the season to purchase my scarves. The first rush of excitement when the season is presented doesn’t work for me, every time I buy then I make a mistake. Also seeing how others model their scarves makes it easier to pick a scarf.

wow that is awesome. that would be tough for me I think, just to wait it out like that would require enormous discipline. It's really impressive you do that (any mental tricks? - or are you just a patient person?)

 

[blydia]

WHOA!! This app is game-changing. So it’s basically a catalogue of all your clothes and accessories? Do you take the photos of each item, or did you find the photos online?

they actually have a library of things where you can select similar items to the one you own that you can chose from. you can still replace the foto then at a later time with the actual item - being from a picture you found online or took yourself if you want an exact match (for the more recent things you probably still find a picture online somewhere, which is what I do). But to start I wouldn't worry to much and just pick from their library