Rant ... >_<

#31
Everybody here has given such great advice, that there's not much more for me to say. But I'll try to say a few things :smile:

1. The relationship that you and your mother have is VERY...disfunctional? I'm sorry. I couldn't think of another word to use for it. The fact that you are in your late twenties, an adult, who is responsible and she still hits you?! I'm sorry, but that's not right. I don't know anything about Asian culture, but I think you know better to know that you don't deserve that...

2. This may sound harsh, but why are you scared of being 'disowned'? You're obviously miserable in the situation that you are in now - and if you truly want to be happy and independent, then maybe that's something that you need to consider. I can't imagine that any mother would actually disown her child for wanting to be independent. To me, this sounds like one of those things where mom is scared of you going away, because then there will be the "empty nest". I'm assuming that your siblings are older than you or have already moved out, gotten married, etc. Maybe your mom is scared of being alone without children and this is her way of trying to keep you there?

3. WHY the hell is she abusing your dog? That would have been enough reason for me to run FAR FAR away from that situation.

I hope that everything works out for you.
 
#32
varsha624 said:
Even if you were living off of her financially (which you are not) she would still NOT have the right to treat you as she does and to control you and abuse you and your dog. She has done a real number on you, but it would really be in the highest interest of all involved for you to move out, find a therapist or healer you trust and begin your own life and learn how free life can feel without your mother's voice in your head.....I have experienced this to a much MUCh lesser degree and if there is one thing I know, this sort of relationship is unhealthy and against life itself...it serves no one....she is acting in a fear based way (she is afraid of facing her own life and is trying to live through you..which is impossible) perhaps out of generations of fear-based habit, and so are you....the fear can be immense in a situation such as this....but rememeber that the fear is not real. You owe it to yourself to free yourself from this situation. That will be the best thing for yourself and for her. She may put up a fuss in the short term but I am 99% sure that if she has any goodness in her she will eventually come around and eventually even come to respect you for being brave enough to live an authentic life....PM me anytime.
Click to expand...

varsha, I really appreciate what you said to the OP.

Do you know author, Don Miguel Ruiz?
 
#33
This is more than dysfunctional - it is ABUSIVE. Not only emotional but physically and psychologically.

I understand that you do not want to be disowned, but that seems to be just a thread used to control you. If she loves you as a mother should, she will not disown you for starting your own life. And if she does, then that is something that you would need to deal with - because you are in an extremely unhealthy situation right now. She sounds to me (and please don't be offended) mentally unstable. Normal mothers do not treat their daughters this way!!!

May I ask where your father is in this situation? Why does he allow her to treat you this way...or does he agree with her?

I know that Asian families are generally more strict and structured, but this sounds like more than tradition - this is just plain abusive.

I don't know what else anyone can say. If you stay in the situation and don't demand changes, then you are going to be a victim. It is amazingly like the abused wife who is afraid to leave. But once she does, she is better off and happier. As hard as it is to leave - it is the right thing to do.
 
#34
If I were you, I would try to get my entire family into counseling with me ASAP. If they refuse, you need to distance yourself from them because the treatment you are receiving is abusive and unnacceptable. I don't care how much they love you.
 
#35
Hi Kou,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. All the posters have posted very valid arguments bout what you're going through, and I can't think of anything to add other than that if you need to talk, feel free to PM me, e-mail me, or anything. My thoughts are with you.
 
#36
BellaFiore said:
varsha, I really appreciate what you said to the OP.

Do you know author, Don Miguel Ruiz?
Click to expand...

Hi bellafiore,

thanks for your comment. I have not read that author, but as I said, I had some degree of experience with this type of relationship (again, to a far lesser and much subtler degree) myself and I have had friends involved with this kind of dynamic with a mother or a sister or even a friend. I feel for this girl because your relationship with your mother is the primary relationship in your life and when there are no boundaries or mutual respect (in this case it seems to me that it is probably since childhood, maybe even infancy), you get trained to not get your essential needs as a human being met and it's very difficult to get out of it yourself...it is what you know...that's why I recommended a good therapist or healer. The fact that this PFer can even see the situation as unhealthy is a very good sign...if she can question it, she has the power to change herself and heal from it....I agree that the whole family needs counseling, but if the mother is unwilling (she seems pretty rigid and unyielding), it is better to forcus on yourself and your own life and doing what you can to become a happy whole person. It is so hard but it is definitely possible...you have all of our support here.
 
#37
I'm so sorry to hear your situation. I am not Asian and really don't know anything about Asian traditons and culture, but I think you have been given some good advice. If I were you I wouldn't be so afraid of being disowned, as it seems to me that it would be 1000 times better than what you are going through now. I think getting a job as far away as possible is a great idea to get you away from here without making her angry with you. Good luck!!! You deserve so much better!!
 
#38
From your last posts, I think you should still move out ASAP! You could get an apt for way less, you could buy your own house. You could always get a roommate or if you have a bf/hubby, move in with him. I understand that change is always difficult to do. But it is easier if you start (instead of giving up before looking into it and making the first step).

You say you have no choice, but you do. You have the choice of walking out. You always have a choice (i.e. like quitting a job)! If your dad and your sister suffer from the same thing, they can also leave. They could always call the cops for protection, and hopefully get her to go to mandatory counseling.

Your choice is to either keep being abused nonstop and have your things being abused (dogs, future kids, future hubby) or get your self-worth back and get life away from such a toxic person. Her behavior towards people is not going to change because you do what she "wants". She will not stop because she can get away with controlling and manipulating people.

Besides, the best way to prove that you are self-sufficient and more than able, is to move away, live by yourself, do whatever job you want (not the job your mom wants, after all, it is YOUR life, not HERS).

If you are afraid of having your family hate you, you should know that family is family and they will not turn their back on you because you disagree with them. What your mom is doing is horrific! She is not only abusing you, but she is abusing your dog. And it doesn't sound like this behavior will ever change. So if you have kids and a husband, what is to stop her from treating them like that? It sounds like she has no problem treating your dad and your sister like that (since you mentioned she would continue to abuse them if you left)?

You really need to set boundaries for you. Because if you don't stand up for yourself, then no one will do it for you.
 
#39
Once again, thank you ladies for all your advice and support. I really appreciate it ... you have really helped me out a lot the last couple of days. If it weren't for your posts, I probably wouldn't even have been able to function normally at work - and believe me, until I get a better job I really do need this one ...

I just want to update you on what I am doing about my situation right now. I'm a very non-confrontational person, so if I can do this peacefully, that's the route I want to take first. With that in mind, I'm in process of getting rid of all my impulse buys (from a particular store) and the money I recoup should add up to something and get me headstart. I've also been revising my resume and sending it to the experts for reviews and revision. Basically, I want to try to get a better paying job out of state first so I won't have to confront them about moving away. They are open to my moving away if I get paid more (after rental expenses and all). I know that my Mom is a totally different person when she doesn't see me so I think that will be the best way to go.

My SO is in Singapore and I don't have any friends who will be willing to take me in if I decide to "run away". The fact that I have a dog is only making them even more hesitant. Actually, many of my friends are of the same nationality as I am and although their parents are nowhere like mine, they do believe that I should just stick it out with my folks as rebelling is considered a big disgrace to them. Thus, staying over at my friends are out of the question. My SO is out of the question as well unless I move to Singapore, but for my own sake I cannot move without a job waiting for me - I do NOT want to give him control over me or be financially dependent on him.

Anyways, I'm very serious about the job hunt now. I know that this will affect my life greatly so I'm really taking the time to plan all this out. If any of you know of anyone who is hiring in the banking industry or consulting field, please let me know. Ideally I want to get into consulting, but I'm at banking right now (financial analyst), even though I do have experience across many fields. Once again, thank you so much for your support and kind words. You ladies on tPF are the best.
 
#41
varsha624 said:
Hi bellafiore,

thanks for your comment. I have not read that author, but as I said, I had some degree of experience with this type of relationship (again, to a far lesser and much subtler degree) myself and I have had friends involved with this kind of dynamic with a mother or a sister or even a friend. I feel for this girl because your relationship with your mother is the primary relationship in your life and when there are no boundaries or mutual respect (in this case it seems to me that it is probably since childhood, maybe even infancy), you get trained to not get your essential needs as a human being met and it's very difficult to get out of it yourself...it is what you know...that's why I recommended a good therapist or healer. The fact that this PFer can even see the situation as unhealthy is a very good sign...if she can question it, she has the power to change herself and heal from it....I agree that the whole family needs counseling, but if the mother is unwilling (she seems pretty rigid and unyielding), it is better to forcus on yourself and your own life and doing what you can to become a happy whole person. It is so hard but it is definitely possible...you have all of our support here.
Click to expand...

Oh God, I don't even know how to say this in a proper way, but I totally understand where you come from Koukanamiya.
Varsha is right in what she says, I don't come from an asian family but the way your mother is with you is the same than mine is with me.
All my life has been a battle for me to get things done my way : friends, going out, education, work. I had to struggle because through the stress of studying a bachelor degree in a competitive field I had no support from my mother on the contrary she was putting me down all the time.
On my personnality, the way I looked, I thought I was rubbish and had no self confidence (whereas I got top grades and all guys were telling me how beautiful I am, etc.......but still when you dont like yourself.....)
I moved abroad for my dream job, but even far away these problems followed me and hit me to the point that I had to see a therapist.
That therapist explained to me how attached I was to my mother and dependant from her even if she was poison and bad to me. And that basically she was wrong and she was always manipulative in order to keep me close to her, even if there was no healthy love and that she had nothing to offer me.
As part of the therapy I had to confront my mother and tell her all my feelings and all these things;, she was hurt but nice and tried to understand even if she can't deeply understand (because thats all what she has known in her life from her mother as well !!).
But the point is you have to start on fresh ground and believe in yourself and love yourself enough to understand that what she is doing is not right, it's not healthy, you have to separate yourself from her, physically by moving out, and emotionnally so these feelings wont follow you and hurt you when she calls wherever on the earth you are......distance is key. You love her, she loves you, but she won t "hit" you anymore.
Please let us know how things go and you are welcome to pm me.
Go girl !!:flowers:
 
#42
I am sorry to hear to hear about this sad situation , but try to keep you head up.... for hopefully if everything goes as planned ( the job and moving ) u will be out soon


*hug*
 
#43
IMO, and I'm no therapist, she can do all this because you let her. She "owns" you because you let her. I'd be more afraid of losing my mother than being disowned. If she truly is a good person, she will not let you go when you tell her that it's been enough abuse.
I would cut contact with her for a few months and explain why. Harsh perhaps, but you need to take care of yourself and your emotional health too. It's just what I would think about doing, and I'm from a different culture, so it might not be for you. Anyhow, take care of yourself!
 
#45
koukanamiya- you know half way reading thourgh your rant I thought to myself "I think this girl must be asian" just by the way you described your mom and her controlling factor. My mom is not as strict as yours but along the line where she called me an "idiot" thinks I'm incapable of doing anything right. I think its just "majority" of asian parents. I've learned to ignore my mom on things and speak my mind on other situations. I think if you just speak up, make your point and stand by it, your mom will eventually relize that her little girl is growing up. It takes time and patience (trust). vbmenu_register("postmenu_865063", true);
 
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