Maintaining a H relationship

[papertiger]

Please focus on the title of this thread rather than each other, TY

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For advice on how to shop at your local store please do a search in Hermes Shopping sub-forum and look for your store/region/country.

 

[Veritybelle]

I wasn't sure where to post this but I think it could be appropriate for this thread as ultimately, it involves my relationship with my SA.

I have a really close childhood family friend (with multiple mutual close friends) who has been struggling to find a "good and attentive" SA at H in NYC (his hometown). He knows I have an amazing relationship with my SA who goes above and beyond to help me. He recently came to visit and asked if he can come with me to visit the H store so he can finally purchase an SLG he has been trying to get in NY.

Long story short, he bought the combo he was looking for with my SA (with me present). But it was such an embarrassing shopping experience for me because he was so passive aggressive - complaining about his previous H experiences in NY, commenting that he wishes all H SAs were like her, asking her if she'll ever move to NY, etc. I'm just glad he didn't ask for a bag..

To be honest, I didn't realize how high maintenance and mean he was when it comes to shopping until this experience. He seems to have it in his mind that SAs should always make the customer happy and doesn't think twice about wasting their time (asking to see multiple colors, styles, different products and would walk away empty handed just because they didn't friendly greet him out of spite) and this is apparently what he was doing at the H stores in NYC.

Even though he told me he just wanted the card wallet and this was a one-time thing, he asked for my SA's business card and asked if he can shop with her exclusively going forward at check out. She told him shopping virtually isn't as fun as shopping in person and to give the NY boutiques another chance.

My SA texted me later that day to chat about other non H topics like nothing happened so I'm hoping it did not negatively impact my relationship with my SA.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, is it OK to feel upset about this experience? I feel like I've been taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Are folks normally private about their SAs and shopping experience even with friends and family?

I would feel embarrassed in your shoes too, but you have already taken the appropriate steps to mend the situation with your SA. I think people who behave this way never see it as rudeness or entitlement on their part. I have a family member who is a regular at a local restaurant. He loves it there, but when I dined with him there recently I was appalled at how rude he was to the owner, over what seemed to me to be complete non-issues. He just thinks he’s speaking up when he doesn’t think he’s getting what he paid for, or asked for. He doesn’t see it as rude. There’s not a lot of point raising the subject with him though, and as @880 says, it’s not my job to teach him manners.

 

[Kimchoi12]

Honestly I am little confused by your post, for the following reasons:

• you say it's a "close friend", but seems you know nothing about him (i.e. his personality, his attitude, etc.)
• are you confusing 'rude' and 'passive aggressive'?
• based on what you describe (above bolded), I don't think that was passive aggressive, I think he could have been trying to give her a compliment or maybe make her feel good about her level of customer service; maybe the complaining about his last SA was a little inappropriate, but definitely not passive aggressive
• all of the rude things that you describe he does (i.e. asking to see multiple colors, styles, different products and would walk away empty handed just because they didn't friendly greet him out of spite)--did he specifically do those with your SA? If not, then I don't feel he was rude during your shopping trip either; they seem to be more anecdotal. If he did do those things, then I would definitely be worried it could impact your reputation; and I guess now you know to vet people more closely before you introduce them into a relationship you value.

You say/ask the above, but it seems like you already had your answer (below) way before posting here.

Were you just looking for someone to validate your feelings? I am genuinely asking, and not trying to be negative. Just providing another side of the coin from the responses you have gotten so far.

Thanks for providing a new perspective!

I can see how it can be confusing:

I call him my close friend since I've known him for a long time and our parents and their friends like to vacation together. I no longer live in close proximity to him for the past 10 years so I really only have the memories from when we were younger and the short meet ups we would have since my move. We did keep in touch via social media and text almost on a weekly basis and I had no reason to believe he changed much. He still sounded like the fun, pleasant, supportive and respectful friend I grew up with. I think that's why I was taken aback at his behavior. I've never went shopping with him before ever since I hate shopping with friends and family and customer service wasn't something that really was a topic that came up in our conversations nor was it something I noticed when we would get together.

He was voicing his displeasure and dissatisfaction of the brand and the other SAs he had interacted with indirectly and was commenting on what he thought they did wrong. I personally think that's being passive aggressive but even if it's not, it was not a pleasant conversation to witness.

Thank goodness he did not do any of the "wasting time" bit to my SA. It was a anecdote he shared while exiting the store when he was expressing he's jealous my SA seemed so amazing which is when I learned what he thinks is the "right" way to customer service.

My SA claims it's no big deal and I think I've built a strong enough relationship with her that this doesn't phase her. I'm just trying to be positive!

Yes, I was asking if it's OK to feel upset and to basically validate the feelings I've been feeling.

I definitely will not be introducing any more people to her and will continue to keep my shopping private. I mean... I don't even bring my husband to H because he's such a blabber mouth - what was I thinking.......?!

If it was me I definitely would apologize. The way he acted is the opposite of how I conduct myself with sa's. I would be very embarrassed but at the same time i would interrupt the conversation and take him 1 minute apart for a hard talk.Your feelings are absolutely right.
Sorry for my English, it is not my mothers tongue ☺️

Your English is amazing! Thanks for your thoughts! I'll definitely keep in mind the next time I have the option to change the subject or even stop the conversation. Hopefully I don't panic and freeze! And I seriously hope it never happens!

Yes absolutely. I would feel upset too, and I think he took advantage of your good nature (and that of your SA). I do not think that it’s wrong to ask to see a bunch of things; nor do I think it’s wrong to refrain from purchase.

Perhaps, he is not conscious of the fact that he is demanding, entitled, and unpleasant to service providers (some members of my family are like him in that respect too).

However, he’s an adult, and it is absolutely not your job to teach him manners. Your SA knows that you are not responsible for the way other adults act, and she has of course seen worse. His behavior is not a reflection on you.

Agree with @Tina_Bina , @acrowcounted above.

ETA: I think your SA deflected his request for a card in a very nice fashion while making it pretty clear to those who can read between the lines that she and her store would prefer not to take him on as a client

I would feel embarrassed in your shoes too, but you have already taken the appropriate steps to mend the situation with your SA. I think people who behave this way never see it as rudeness or entitlement on their part. I have a family member who is a regular at a local restaurant. He loves it there, but when I dined with him there recently I was appalled at how rude he was to the owner, over what seemed to me to be complete non-issues. He just thinks he’s speaking up when he doesn’t think he’s getting what he paid for, or asked for. He doesn’t see it as rude. There’s not a lot of point raising the subject with him though, and as @880 says, it’s not my job to teach him manners.

Thank you both!!! And thanks for validating my feelings and identifying why I was feeling embarrassed - I think it was his entitlement that he deserves a certain level of customer service.

 

[FrenchNewbie]

Thanks for providing a new perspective!

I can see how it can be confusing:

I call him my close friend since I've known him for a long time and our parents and their friends like to vacation together. I no longer live in close proximity to him for the past 10 years so I really only have the memories from when we were younger and the short meet ups we would have since my move. We did keep in touch via social media and text almost on a weekly basis and I had no reason to believe he changed much. He still sounded like the fun, pleasant, supportive and respectful friend I grew up with. I think that's why I was taken aback at his behavior. I've never went shopping with him before ever since I hate shopping with friends and family and customer service wasn't something that really was a topic that came up in our conversations nor was it something I noticed when we would get together.

He was voicing his displeasure and dissatisfaction of the brand and the other SAs he had interacted with indirectly and was commenting on what he thought they did wrong. I personally think that's being passive aggressive but even if it's not, it was not a pleasant conversation to witness.

Thank goodness he did not do any of the "wasting time" bit to my SA. It was a anecdote he shared while exiting the store when he was expressing he's jealous my SA seemed so amazing which is when I learned what he thinks is the "right" way to customer service.

My SA claims it's no big deal and I think I've built a strong enough relationship with her that this doesn't phase her. I'm just trying to be positive!

Yes, I was asking if it's OK to feel upset and to basically validate the feelings I've been feeling.

Great to hear, I am glad you took the objective feedback in a positive manner.

And thank you for providing more context as to your relationship with him and the length of time you've spent apart; that definitely helps explain how things transpired.

I think everything will be fine, maybe just have a honest & direct conversation with him and explain to him how his behavior was inappropriate and it made you feel embarrassed and ashamed. But, correct me if I'm wrong, from reading what you wrote and how you wrote it... you seem like the type that doesn't like much confrontation and you seem more of the people pleasing type, so in that case maybe just lie to him and make up stories why you don't want to take him shopping with you anymore. Eventually he'll get the hint and give up. Haha.

 

[Zepbonded]

My SA is telling me it will be considerably easier to get a K28 instead of a K25. The SA basically said it will be 3x as long to get the K25 meaning I can get a K28 this year but a K25 will take 2-3 years!

K25 is what I want. Should I just stick with my decision?

 

[acrowcounted]

My SA is telling me it will be considerably easier to get a K28 instead of a K25. The SA basically said it will be 3x as long to get the K25 meaning I can get a K28 this year but a K25 will take 2-3 years!

K25 is what I want. Should I just stick with my decision?

Yes. She is likely under promising on the K25 to keep your expectations low but (assuming in the US.) 2-3 years with a good relationship is ridiculous and a bit unheard of. A year is probably a more likely estimate but no promises can be given and you have to keep your relationship good. Heck, you could walk in to a Chanel today and spend $10k on a classic flap, but why would you do that if what you really want is a K25? Settling for a K28 will be a big regret and will also push an eventual K25 that much further away.

 

[storytotell]

I am struggling to interpret these XYZ years timelines and if the indication of a timeline has any connection with SA acknowledging that you are "eligible" for a bag.

Scenario 1: you just started with H, bought a Twilly, and made a wishlist, then right away enquired with your SA on timelines. SA tells you 2-3 years.

Scenario 2: you've been with your SA for 1+ years, have >1:1 spend ratio and SA tells you that your Kelly/Birkin is 2 years down the road.

 

[acrowcounted]

I am struggling to interpret these XYZ years timelines and if the indication of a timeline has any connection with SA acknowledging that you are "eligible" for a bag.

Scenario 1: you just started with H, bought a Twilly, and made a wishlist, then right away enquired with your SA on timelines. SA tells you 2-3 years.

Scenario 2: you've been with your SA for 1+ years, have >1:1 spend ratio and SA tells you that your Kelly/Birkin is 2 years down the road.

Interpret anything other than “soon” as “not soon”. You’ll never get a definitive answer and SAs are people with unique communication styles. In the US, you’re also never “approved” or “eligible” for a bag prior to one being offered (or I’d even argue, purchased). At any point the rules, availability, or competition could change. That’s why SAs tend not to put anything in writing nor absolute terms.

 

[storytotell]

Interpret anything other than “soon” as “not soon”.

I like it. Good advice

 

[NYCFashionista]

I wasn't sure where to post this but I think it could be appropriate for this thread as ultimately, it involves my relationship with my SA.

I have a really close childhood family friend (with multiple mutual close friends) who has been struggling to find a "good and attentive" SA at H in NYC (his hometown). He knows I have an amazing relationship with my SA who goes above and beyond to help me. He recently came to visit and asked if he can come with me to visit the H store so he can finally purchase an SLG he has been trying to get in NY.

Long story short, he bought the combo he was looking for with my SA (with me present). But it was such an embarrassing shopping experience for me because he was so passive aggressive - complaining about his previous H experiences in NY, commenting that he wishes all H SAs were like her, asking her if she'll ever move to NY, etc. I'm just glad he didn't ask for a bag..

To be honest, I didn't realize how high maintenance and mean he was when it comes to shopping until this experience. He seems to have it in his mind that SAs should always make the customer happy and doesn't think twice about wasting their time (asking to see multiple colors, styles, different products and would walk away empty handed just because they didn't friendly greet him out of spite) and this is apparently what he was doing at the H stores in NYC.

Even though he told me he just wanted the card wallet and this was a one-time thing, he asked for my SA's business card and asked if he can shop with her exclusively going forward at check out. She told him shopping virtually isn't as fun as shopping in person and to give the NY boutiques another chance.

My SA texted me later that day to chat about other non H topics like nothing happened so I'm hoping it did not negatively impact my relationship with my SA.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, is it OK to feel upset about this experience? I feel like I've been taken advantage of. Am I overreacting? Are folks normally private about their SAs and shopping experience even with friends and family?

It's completely valid to feel the way you do about how your friend acted. You did your friend a favor by making the connection and perhaps your friend doesn't realize how obnoxious they are acting. I would tell my friend how their actions are perceived so they can act on the constructive advice. If they get upset at you, then they don't recognize their failure or appreciate your perspective, and they really aren't a friend.

On a separate note, what do you text your SA about if it isn't H? I guess I don't know how to small talk very well.

 

[880]

It's completely valid to feel the way you do about how your friend acted. You did your friend a favor by making the connection and perhaps your friend doesn't realize how obnoxious they are acting. I would tell my friend how their actions are perceived so they can act on the constructive advice. If they get upset at you, then they don't recognize their failure or appreciate your perspective, and they really aren't a friend.

On a separate note, what do you text your SA about if it isn't H? I guess I don't know how to small talk very well.

Since the friend is not a current one, but one from childhood, and the friends parents and OPs parents are still quite close, I just see very little up side in constructive advice. If this person was currently a good friend (like you mention above), and I genuinely cared about their behavior, I would consider taking your advice. But, if I took a family friend to task over mistreatment of any SA, that would shine an enormous spotlight on my shopping habits with family friends and cause a lot of tiresome conversations around the family dinner table. Like how much shopping do I do that I am so close with a Hermes SA lol. This would also no doubt lead to a complete distortion of the facts as my family is filled with drama llamas. . . Just my own experience lol.

My DH gets along better with my SA than I do. They talk or text about audimar piguet and Alange watches and yes, Hermes watches (SA and DH love watches; movies; restaurants; travel) all sorts of things. While I am in the dressing room, DH also gives his opinion on the H bespoke program vis a vis charvet etc. . . When DH is in the dressing room, I’m usually on the floor looking for other interesting things. I also sometimes text my SA action shots of outfits I bought from him which he appreciates. What is really cute is sometimes he sends an action shot back. No one takes it all that seriously; no one spends a lot of time on texts; and, it’s not a big deal if we all forget to respond. My SA loves brownies, and I recall some texts were about cocoa powder. He asked what brand. I sent an Amazon link for cocoa barrie (recommended by Stella parks of serious eats and brave tart).

 

[Veritybelle]

Since the friend is not a current one, but one from childhood, and the friends parents and OPs parents are still quite close, I just see very little up side in constructive advice. If this person was currently a good friend (like you mention above), and I genuinely cared about their behavior, I would consider taking your advice. But, if I took a family friend to task over mistreatment of any SA, that would shine an enormous spotlight on my shopping habits with family friends and cause a lot of tiresome conversations around the family dinner table. This would no doubt lead to a complete distortion of the facts as my family is filled with drama llamas. . . Just my own experience lol.

My DH gets along better with my SA than I do. They text about audimar piguet and Alange watches (SA and DH love watches; movies; restaurants; travel) all sorts of things. I send my SA action shots of outfits I bought from him which he appreciates. What is really cute is sometimes he sends an action shot back.

Drama llamas

 

[Kimchoi12]

I am usually totally up for giving constructive feedback but only when I think the person/relationship/group dynamic is worth investing time and energy. But in this case, I don't know how he'll react to it (he's obviously not who I thought he was) and I don't want him to go running to the "adults" which could possibly invite unwelcomed interest as @880 mentioned.

But maybe when he really gets on my nerves and I think I can take the heat from all sides, I'll give it to him like it is?

Thanks to everyone for your reassurance, validation, different perspectives and possible remedies! I'm still quite new at navigating H and this was definitely a learning moment for me I'll do better going forward.

On a separate note, what do you text your SA about if it isn't H? I guess I don't know how to small talk very well.

It's mostly about cities we've visited, hiking, our pets, new restaurants, favorite desserts. The juicy stuff (like our family drama or Love is Blind, etc.) is saved for our appointments

 

[880]

Since the friend is not a current one, but one from childhood, and the friends parents and OPs parents are still quite close, I just see very little up side in constructive advice. If this person was currently a good friend (like you mention above), and I genuinely cared about their behavior, I would consider taking your advice. But, if I took a family friend to task over mistreatment of any SA, that would shine an enormous spotlight on my shopping habits with family friends and cause a lot of tiresome conversations around the family dinner table. Like how much shopping do I do that I am so close with a Hermes SA lol. This would also no doubt lead to a complete distortion of the facts as my family is filled with drama llamas. . . Just my own experience lol.

My DH gets along better with my SA than I do. They talk or text about audimar piguet and Alange watches and yes, Hermes watches (SA and DH love watches; movies; restaurants; travel) all sorts of things. While I am in the dressing room, DH also gives his opinion on the H bespoke program vis a vis charvet etc. . . When DH is in the dressing room, I’m usually on the floor looking for other interesting things. I also sometimes text my SA action shots of outfits I bought from him which he appreciates. What is really cute is sometimes he sends an action shot back. No one takes it all that seriously; no one spends a lot of time on texts; and, it’s not a big deal if we all forget to respond. My SA loves brownies, and I recall some texts were about cocoa powder. He asked what brand. I sent an Amazon link for cocoa barrie (recommended by Stella parks of serious eats and brave tart).

Forgot to add, if my SA and I exchange a text like an action pic or link, a reply can be a quick happy face or affirmative emoticon. I don’t send him long lists of requests to buy; it’s more like: are you available this afternoon/ or either of the next two Tuesday AM to look at new RTW.

If you or your SA forget to reply back, my best advice is don’t take it personally And, if your SA can fit you in for a last minute appt, I always check when i get there, how much time we have

 

[Bdbunny]

I also sometimes text my SA action shots of outfits I bought from him which he appreciates. What is really cute is sometimes he sends an action shot back.

That is so cute that your SA sends you action shots! I send actions shots to my SAs too and they have told me they appreciate that I enjoy the items I get from them. Also agree about not sending long lists of stuff to buy. I did that once and got no response lol. I don't think he had time to check each item one by one to see what was in stock where, etc. So I just save it for when I shop in person and mostly shop from what's available in the store and stuff that he's pulled for me.

On a separate note, what do you text your SA about if it isn't H? I guess I don't know how to small talk very well.

Lol it's all kind of random and organic... sometimes it stems from a conversation we had in person. Sometimes we talk about our day (I hear a lot about the demanding clients that come in.) A lot of talk about travel plans or upcoming events. I text my Paris SA random French phrases I just learned on Duolingo lol. Also H talk, like what did you think about this in the FS24 show, or did you see they're doing that, etc. Honestly some days I text with my H SA more than my actual friends (sad but true lol!)

I don't want him to go running to the "adults" which could possibly invite unwelcomed interest as @880 mentioned.

I totally empathize with you!! I have family friends who I grew up with and even though we're all full grown adults now, you know who's gonna go blab to their mom, who is then going to tell my mom and everyone else in the community!! And I'm sorry about what happened with your family friend. I would be mortified too!!

 

[storytotell]

Also agree about not sending long lists of stuff to buy. I did that once and got no response lol. I don't think he had time to check each item one by one to see what was in stock where, etc. So I just save it for when I shop in person and mostly shop from what's available in the store and stuff that he's pulled for me.

Sending long (or any lists) rarely worked for me either. I typically just book an appointment with my SA and see what is available in stock out of my list.