How do you solve the boyfriend / husband problem when it comes to your BAGS?

[riffraff]

I'm a great one for over simplyfying - My money, Your problem.

This is how it went with my ex - we had a home together, joint mortgage etc,

So long as bills are paid 50/50
Savings acct paid into joint 50/50

I never expected anything, therefore was never disappointed. I paid for my own luxuries and I spent my disposable income how I saw fit, regardless of his opinion. My money, end of story! At times it was a constant battle but that was because it was an abusive controlling relationship on his part.

 

[cgsprings]

Oh honey we been at war already - Yes he is a chicken little the sky is falling when it comes to a savings account. I need to save more I really do.

But my biggest issue is:

He doesn't buy anything especailly for me which is the point where the shop-o-holic kicks in and fills the void. I may sound like a spoiled you know what but I just like it when my boyfriend buys me stuff. Especially when it exactly what I want. If you buy me something I don't want then it might as well go in the dumpster because it wasn't what I wanted. ( I know this is sounding more and more horrible).
But I think I have a problem My x bought me one purse and I carried it for 2 years. I didn't need to buy one for myself because my sons father bought it for me and somehow knowing it came from him was enough. I didn't need another one and I didn't buy another for nearly 2 years.

What kind of issue is that ?

I like guys that buy me what I want. It doesn't have to be a lot it just has to be something that I really wanted.

This jumped out at me: is it possible that you don't have a bag problem at all and what you DO have are continuing romantic feelings for your child's father and only annoyance, dissatisfaction and obigation to your current boyfriend? I hope this isn't too personal or intrusive because I don't mean it that way at all but if this sounds possible, you might want to face it and deal with it. Good luck and sorry if I missed the boat entirely and stuck my nose where it doesn't belong!

 

[ZoeyZoo]

If don't know what you both agreed to but for a BF I personanlly wouldn't do joint expenses until you are engaged or married. That's why I don't understand why it's a big deal what you spend your fun money on (as long as you're not going into debt) after the bills are paid.

Sounds to me like this really may not be an issue with the bags per se. It sounds like it is more an issue with the expectations of what moving in would be like and what it is like are not the same between you two.

 

[lvfanaddict]

I understand how you feel. I think as long as you take care of your priorities, whatever money you have left you should be able to spend on what you want. As far as the fact that he is not your son's bio father, you should be grateful that your boyfriend is there and in due time he will love him as his own. My husband hasn't bought me a purse in a long time because he knows I usually buy it myself (just like how he buys shoes for himself.) If you want you should drop hints or maybe he feels he doesn't have to buy it for you because you already buy it for yourself. Good luck and I hope things improve between the two of you.

 

[maggie7]

That furniture business confused me too...do you make more money than him, is that were the problem lies? (and believe me, that could be a huge one, men and their pride...)

 

[dcblam]

xxcentrix -
Wow, lot of responses to your initial question and I'm not sure you expected all of these comments that are more geared towards other issues than buying bags - which brings me to this........you're not having a bag problem, you're having a relationship problem. Better to focus on the root issues of money, communication and trust.
As for how my dh deals with my bag purchases or any other purchase I make - as long as all of our financial commitments have been paid, we have saved the exact amount of money that we have agreed upon (monthy, yes monthly)....then the rest is gravy and total play money! No issues, no conflict, just happy happy household. Remember, the number one issues in relationships is MONEY!
Good luck

 

[HauteMama]

I have to take issue with the idea that you should be "grateful" he is there for your son, or that you owe him anything in that regard. You do not. When you have a child, a man either accepts the package deal or he does not. You don't have anything to be grateful for, because you and your son are fabulous and worthwhile, and if he doesn't fully and unconditionally accept the BOTH of you, he can hit the road.

Second, your money is your own. If he makes an equivalent salary, he could just as easily be buying the furniture.

Overall, it sounds like the money and the bag issue is an easy excuse for a bigger issue. You don't sound comfortable with him as a partner (in the issues of money, security, equality and control), and if that is the case, then it is better to let him go sooner than later.

 

[ItsMyWorld]

Simply put, my honest opinion is that there are far bigger issues here than merely bags. IMHO you seriously need to do some soul searching and ask yourself if this relationship is healthy.

You yourself said that "controlling is an understatment" so I would be quite concerned. There is so much more going on here in my opinion than you wanting a bag or two based upon that statement alone.

 

[kachesle]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but for me, I found that my relationships went a lot smoother once I ditched the old-fashioned idea that my man had to take care of me and buy me things. My first bf did this for me, and when I was younger, I unfairly compared how the later bfs spent on me to him (you sound like you are doing the same). I actually remember, with embarrassment, throwing a fit when I was 18 because my bf wouldn't buy me something I wanted.

Since that time, I've realized how hard it is to find a decent, caring man whose personality meshes well with mine. It is also hard to find a great bag, and you know what--I can do that for myself WAY better than any bf could! I know stereotypes really reinforce the idea that the man needs to pay for everything, but when you're both working for about the same salary, and living together, you should both contribute (which means he also needs to save up for the furniture). I really think you need to reevaluate your ideas about a relationship, because carrying around a chip on your shoulder about your having to contribute 50-50 to household expenses will continue to harm the relationship until you let it go.

If it makes you feel better, I will always make significantly more than my bf, so our contributions to rent will probably be more like 70 (me) - 30 (him)... we sort of agreed that when we live together we will take a percentage of our salary towards common things, including rent and each contributing to a joint savings account (we may actually be married by then). I'll keep what's left over in a personal account for "fun money," which I can use to buy whatever I want.

 

[handbag helen]

I dunno.. has anyone else run into this?

My husband gripes about all my bags but in a joking manner. If we were to lose our jobs or have trouble with the bills he would probably expect me to not purchase any new bags for awhile and I wouldn't risk our finances on a new bag. But since we both contribute we both get things we like (within reason) I should point out we don't have kids and both work.

 

[Sez]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but for me, I found that my relationships went a lot smoother once I ditched the old-fashioned idea that my man had to take care of me and buy me things. My first bf did this for me, and when I was younger, I unfairly compared how the later bfs spent on me to him (you sound like you are doing the same). I actually remember, with embarrassment, throwing a fit when I was 18 because my bf wouldn't buy me something I wanted.

Since that time, I've realized how hard it is to find a decent, caring man whose personality meshes well with mine. It is also hard to find a great bag, and you know what--I can do that for myself WAY better than any bf could! I know stereotypes really reinforce the idea that the man needs to pay for everything, but when you're both working for about the same salary, and living together, you should both contribute (which means he also needs to save up for the furniture). I really think you need to reevaluate your ideas about a relationship, because carrying around a chip on your shoulder about your having to contribute 50-50 to household expenses will continue to harm the relationship until you let it go.

If it makes you feel better, I will always make significantly more than my bf, so our contributions to rent will probably be more like 70 (me) - 30 (him)... we sort of agreed that when we live together we will take a percentage of our salary towards common things, including rent and each contributing to a joint savings account (we may actually be married by then). I'll keep what's left over in a personal account for "fun money," which I can use to buy whatever I want.

Well said, ITA. It is lovely when guys buy you things (although the things they buy are not always lovely!! ), but you should never expect it. But if the issue is control I don't think there's any easy fix...I was with a guy who wanted to control me once, and it just got worse and worse...

 

[xxcentrix]

I've never had this problem because all the boys ive had have actually thought my spending habit was cute but my aunt has had a a major problem with her husband over this (She went out and spent a TON on an MJ bag). if you guys aren't struggling and can pay the bills with ease then your money is yours and you should spend it as you choose. Its a tough situation but dont you think you need to stand up for yourself?

(and I dont think everything you said was bad as far as wanting him to take care of you. You were being honest and thats good. I feel the same way)

CONFUSED DAISY- You are my new best friend!

Yes, it is important top note we make enough for things to be nice and comfortable however we both have expensive taste. Right now I can't stop hearing about the 10k suzuki sportbike he wants to get - and he makes this huge deal that he hasn't gotten it. Not my problem at all. My take is honey if you got the money and your bills are paid spend it on whatever you want!

Also, an opportunity may present itself where I will make a significant amount of money more than him. At that point there is no his say - I told him this morning baby I am going places I think we might need a pre-nup! LOL

 

[xxcentrix]

Well said, ITA. It is lovely when guys buy you things (although the things they buy are not always lovely!! ), but you should never expect it. But if the issue is control I don't think there's any easy fix...I was with a guy who wanted to control me once, and it just got worse and worse...

Thank you for the advice and you're exactly right. I am harboring a little resentment because 2 of my boyfriends including my sons father would give me pretty much whatever I wanted. I was very spoiled by them compared to most women I know.

I just want to note that there are different ways people interpret love and I happen to be one of those people who thinks receiving gifts is very important. I give gifts like crazy because thats what I want back.

 

[xxcentrix]

Wow, I could never be with someone who felt they could tell me how to spend my own money. My fiance and I split all household-related expenses 50/50, then put a set amount into savings each month. Whatever we have left over is put into our individual "shopping funds". Our agreement is that as long as we can each hold up our own end of the bills and rent, we're free to spend the rest on whatever we like, whether it's bags for me or video games and beer for him.

I want it to be exactly like this but somehow it is not because when he sees I have more money left over after bills he has more ideas of what I should do with it.

 

[xxcentrix]

Are you just venting or serious?

Because if he is too controlling before marriage, it will only get worse.

Well I think he actually wants to know he can trust me so he can do whatever and I mean WHATEVER he wants with his money.

When I say trust ladies, I mean like his MOMMY sometimes I think he would be perfectly content with my taking care of the tab for everything- and buying all the house "needs" so he could have all of his money to play with and buy this motorcycle.