How do you solve the boyfriend / husband problem when it comes to your BAGS?

xxcentrix

xxcentrix

Member
Jun 1, 2007
85
0
#1
Okay purse lovers- I know it should not even be a problem that I spend my hard earned money on my purses but my boyfriend whom I just moved into a condo with in January insists that I am doing something wrong and slighting him in some way buy purchasing my bags...he thinks that I should do something else with my OWN MONEY. When I shop when I could buy something else like furniture for our new place ( pls. note he has no money saved to go in with me on this furniture) I would be picking up the tab for our furniture and I am not going to lie when I say I have a huge problem with that!

This is a huge problem for me because we make the same amount of money and split the bills 50/50 ( which I don't agree necessarily agree with because ideally i would like to be taken care of and work too) but I do have a 2 year old son whom he is not the father so I am kind of stuck there.

He is still paying half the bills and helping me raise a child that he did not bring into this world. I hear all that loud and clear but if you make an agreement to split the bills 50/50 does that mean you have the right to regulate the other persons fun money???

Yes or No and why? I just want my purses I go to work and bring home the 1/2 bacon. I end up cooking it and cleaning it up too. Why the hell should I not have my babies...?
 
#2
Really hard one. If you are splitting the bills etc equally it seems fair that you can spend any excess on what you each enjoy. What does he spend his hard earned cash on - or is he a saver? If he's careful with his money i can see how he may think it's frivolous spending money on bags when at some point in the future you may need extra cash (which he has saved). Sounds like an issue you both need to sit down and talk about before it starts to cause any ill feeling.
 
#3
flyvetjo said:
Really hard one. If you are splitting the bills etc equally it seems fair that you can spend any excess on what you each enjoy. What does he spend his hard earned cash on - or is he a saver? If he's careful with his money i can see how he may think it's frivolous spending money on bags when at some point in the future you may need extra cash (which he has saved). Sounds like an issue you both need to sit down and talk about before it starts to cause any ill feeling.
Click to expand...

Oh honey we been at war already - Yes he is a chicken little the sky is falling when it comes to a savings account. I need to save more I really do.

But my biggest issue is:

He doesn't buy anything especailly for me which is the point where the shop-o-holic kicks in and fills the void. I may sound like a spoiled you know what but I just like it when my boyfriend buys me stuff. Especially when it exactly what I want. If you buy me something I don't want then it might as well go in the dumpster because it wasn't what I wanted. ( I know this is sounding more and more horrible).:cursing:
But I think I have a problem My x bought me one purse and I carried it for 2 years. I didn't need to buy one for myself because my sons father bought it for me and somehow knowing it came from him was enough. I didn't need another one and I didn't buy another for nearly 2 years.

What kind of issue is that ?

I like guys that buy me what I want. It doesn't have to be a lot it just has to be something that I really wanted.
 
#6
Sounds like he is the controlling-type. That's very hard to deal with. I don't think you will care for my advice, but I would buy what I wanted no matter how he thought I should spend my money. It's not as though you will be spending $10,000 on a bag. What you will probably spend won't even be noticed by the next paycheck.
 
#7
Yes - mapping out the budget with the BF is a very good suggestion. If it is still an issue -----you'll have to decide how big an issue it really is. Make sure you give the budget method a few months to work.

Compromise from both parties is often the key.
 
#8
I solved this problem by not having a boyfriend/husband!!! :P

But seriously, could you maybe set up a savings account and both contribute a set amount each month towards buying stuff like furniture (or anything like it that would be shared between you) and agree that the rest of the money you each have left after that and bills is 'fun' money to be spent as you choose?

I have never expected guys to buy me things (which is just as well, because they generally haven't!) but there's no way I'd tolerate a partner (or anyone else) telling me what to do with money I worked for. But you're always going to have to compromise in a relationship, especially when you're living together, and although committing some of your spare cash to a joint fund will mean buying fewer bags, hopefully they will be less contentious and you will be better able to enjoy them?
 
#9
Compass Rose said:
Sounds like he is the controlling-type. That's very hard to deal with. I don't think you will care for my advice, but I would buy what I wanted no matter how he thought I should spend my money. It's not as though you will be spending $10,000 on a bag. What you will probably spend won't even be noticed by the next paycheck.
Click to expand...

controlling is an understatement
 
#10
I've never had this problem because all the boys ive had have actually thought my spending habit was cute but my aunt has had a a major problem with her husband over this (She went out and spent a TON on an MJ bag). if you guys aren't struggling and can pay the bills with ease then your money is yours and you should spend it as you choose. Its a tough situation but dont you think you need to stand up for yourself?

(and I dont think everything you said was bad as far as wanting him to take care of you. You were being honest and thats good. I feel the same way)
 
#11
Sez said:
I solved this problem by not having a boyfriend/husband!!! :P

But seriously, could you maybe set up a savings account and both contribute a set amount each month towards buying stuff like furniture (or anything like it that would be shared between you) and agree that the rest of the money you each have left after that and bills is 'fun' money to be spent as you choose?

I have never expected guys to buy me things (which is just as well, because they generally haven't!) but there's no way I'd tolerate a partner (or anyone else) telling me what to do with money I worked for. But you're always going to have to compromise in a relationship, especially when you're living together, and although committing some of your spare cash to a joint fund will mean buying fewer bags, hopefully they will be less contentious and you will be better able to enjoy them?
Click to expand...

Hear hear :woohoo:well said, ITA
 
#12
Wow, I could never be with someone who felt they could tell me how to spend my own money. My fiance and I split all household-related expenses 50/50, then put a set amount into savings each month. Whatever we have left over is put into our individual "shopping funds". Our agreement is that as long as we can each hold up our own end of the bills and rent, we're free to spend the rest on whatever we like, whether it's bags for me or video games and beer for him.
 
#13
This is a hard one....I know this may sound like outta left-field, but have you two thought about seeing a financial planner? If the issue is he is the saver and you are the spender in this instance, it could be that a neutral party needs to intervene and show some balance between the two sides. It's certainly not wrong to want something special (it could be relatively costly or inexpensive) from the special person in your life.
Sometimes it's not the object but the sentiment behind it....it's an argument that you could say goes for both you and your BF.

Honestly, IMHO, if there is no common ground in values (particularly financial), there will be huge challenges in a relationship in the future.

And to answer the question of how to solve the problem - I made DH pick up an even more expensive habit than my bags: road cycling. 'Nuff said ;)
 
#14
You said: "When I shop when I could buy something else like furniture for our new place ( pls. note he has no money saved to go in with me on this furniture) I would be picking up the tab for our furniture and I am not going to lie when I say I have a huge problem with that!"

So is he really not saving much money? Where is his money going? Does he not buy things for himself or have any play money?

This part really concerns me: "controlling is an understatement"

Are you sure this is the man for you? It's one thing for your bf/husband to not understand the purse thing (hey, I know mine doesn't! but he isn't controlling about it, he just sort of sighs and rolls his eyes, but knows that I am still contributing to our joint account and we each have our own accounts that are our own business, so he tries to be happy for me). Anyhow, I think you need to evaluate whether he is the one for you. If he is controlling over how you spend your own money, what else is he/will he be controlling with? What if it gets worse and he wants more and more control?

Obviously we're only getting a piece of your story/relationship, but this does not sound healthy.
 
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