How do you deal with friends that say.....

[donutsprinkles]

Kinda cheesy, but the modern remake of Harriet the Spy that had Rosie O'Donnell in it had a line with her saying, "There are as many ways to be as there are people in this world."

Meh. I've gotten to a point where I just smile and move on to a new subject. Everything one buys is so controversial to *someone* anyway.
You bought a $23 hardback!? You could get it for free at the library!

You bought a $XXX purse!!? You could just go to Kohl's, and even then, they're too expensive! It's just a *bag to carry your crap in!*

You paid how much for salmon!? You can go to Wal-Mart and...

You bought a new shirt, you already have 5! You silver-spoon child! (<--have actually been called this)

ad nauseum

Do you boo, as they say. Do you.
We only get this merri go 'round once.

 

[alansgail]

I'm so glad you started this thread! I have one "friend" in particular that doesn't say anything...but I keep my bag in a certain area of my workspace and she constantly comes up and will just go over, pick it up, twirl it around and then continue normal conversation as she puts it back down. It seems harmless enough but I feel as if I have done something wrong. I am not one to like having any level of attention put upon me so while she may not mean it to be judgey (sp?), I feel like its a public shaming (she'll do it when others are there also). I have chalked it up to me being too sensitive but now I've gone as far as putting my bags in a drawer so it avoids the issue.
I am very fortunate that I can afford several bags during a year's time, but that has not always been the case. I need to just suck it up, smile, and say "yep, that's my bag"...and not care, but sad as it may be, its comforting to hear others have the same feelings as I do.
As others have said, there are many times that I've read threads here (like this one) that make me laugh after a hard day, make me excited about a new bag or just give me a feeling of feeling part of a larger group of really great people! THANKS!

"but I feel as if I've done something wrong".........which is exactly how that creepy person wants you to feel.
Of course she is trying to 'shame' you in her own passive-agressive way. It's despicable really and who needs people like that around them?
I USED to have a best friend who was like that. One time she visited me (we live 2 hours apart) and the very first thing she did when she walked into my house after saying hello was to run down my hallway into my bedroom so she could see if I had anything new and cool in there.
I felt it was quite the invasion of my privacy and asked her what she was looking for? She said she just wanted to see my new stuff.......we both sell vintage and antique items.

My feeling was that she was very insecure and jealous (she's never had much and has to work her butt off because her dh is elderly and retired....her choice I guess.)
When she would visit I would feel SO MUCH STRESS just vibrating out of her.

We no longer see each other.........because........life is too short!

I am so over caring what others think of my personal purchases that it's not even funny.

 

[GA Peach]

I wanted to add another thing. A lot of these types of feelings, at least for me, happened when I was younger. When I was in my 20's and early 30's and got into the workforce/rat race, I was so concerned with how other people felt about things that should have concerned only me. I always put a lot of thought into the clothes I wore, the bag I carried, or even my haircut. I was so concerned that someone might not like my choices because, in a way, I guess that meant that they did not like ME.

Now I'm 10 days away from being 51 and I just don't give a rat's boo-boo about what others think. It's not in a mean way but I think donutsprinkles said it best "Do YOU, Boo...........'cuz I'm gonna do ME!" Now when someone has something to say about MY haircut like, "Oh you cut your hair, you looked better with it longer.............". My reply is "Girl BYE"..........and I honestly do not care about their opinion because the only one that matters is mine.

 

[louisprada25]

I wanted to add another thing. A lot of these types of feelings, at least for me, happened when I was younger. When I was in my 20's and early 30's and got into the workforce/rat race, I was so concerned with how other people felt about things that should have concerned only me. I always put a lot of thought into the clothes I wore, the bag I carried, or even my haircut. I was so concerned that someone might not like my choices because, in a way, I guess that meant that they did not like ME.

Now I'm 10 days away from being 51 and I just don't give a rat's boo-boo about what others think. It's not in a mean way but I think donutsprinkles said it best "Do YOU, Boo...........'cuz I'm gonna do ME!" Now when someone has something to say about MY haircut like, "Oh you cut your hair, you looked better with it longer.............". My reply is "Girl BYE"..........and I honestly do not care about their opinion because the only one that matters is mine.

Thank you! Love It! It's So True!

 

[louisprada25]

I love this forum.... I'm quite new here but I love the fact that most of the posts are so positive, encouraging and just feels like friends talking to one another, even though we are all strangers....with a common trait....love for bags. Louisprada25, I'm with you and I'd say, just do what makes you happy with your own money. It's really not her business to judge. Thanks for starting this thread. Nice to hear positive vibes from everyone.

Welcome to the Forum! We are so lucky to have a non judgy supportive place where we can get great information, share our excitement and enthusiasm over new additions, and not be met with snarky, jealous comments! TPFrs rock!

 

[RebeccaJ]

I was so hurt and surprised yesterday when talking to a friend of mine. She is someone who has never had any interest in handbags which I respect, but has other interests instead. She would think nothing of dropping a few hundred dollars a couple of times a month to see a play, takes fairly lavish vacations each year and all in all lives a great life. I couldn't be happier for her and share in her enthusiasm when she tells me about the plays she saw and her upcoming trips.

I live well within my means, don't go to plays or take lavish vacations but yes....I love and buy handbags. I only buy what I can afford--Coach, Longchamp and a few preloved LVs. Sometimes I save up quite some time to buy a special bag here and there. I can't afford the higher priced bags and I'm happy as a clam with the bags I can afford. I use them and love them. I feel that a handbag truly makes an outfit pop whether it's casual or dressy. I never judge anyone by what they spend their discretionary income on and I'm always happy for them.

I was excited about a great F&F Sale on a Coach bag that I purchased recently and my friend said to me that she's careful with her money and doesn't waste it on handbags. My head exploded but I calmly said that buying handbags has nothing to do with being careful with your money. I live a very quiet low key life. Everyone spends their money (after bills are paid) on what gives them pleasure. One person may want to spend their money on a dinner at an elegant restaurant with a hundred dollar bottle of wine which is great for them. I would never judge that but I am so sick of people making judgement on so many of us for our love of handbags. I will never share anything about any of my new bags again because I just can't deal with this.

Have you ever had this happen and how do you deal with it?

Someone once told me they would rather have a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and I told her I would have my purse long after her dinner is gone. Same with other things.

 

[lovingmybags]

Interesting how people always think their spending priorities are right...and never feel the same about others' choices. Even if someone else's affairs are not in order, as long it's his/her money he/she is using, then who cares? Unless you like to be policed for your every move, don't do that to another person...

 

[ArmCandyLuvr]

Someone once told me they would rather have a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and I told her I would have my purse long after her dinner is gone. Same with other things.

I agree. If I spend a large amount of money, I'd rather have a beautiful bag to show for it than an empty wallet and couple of pounds of weight gain.

 

[TejasMama]

I think some people get caught up in the idea that one person's choice means that the other person's is wrong, so they toss some shade because they "WOULD NEVER SPEND THAT MUCH ON A BAG." Handbags seem to be a lightning rod for this type of comment--much more so than expensive vacations, expensive cars, guitars, fishing poles, tech, you name it. Maybe it's because the item is so personal, who know? It doesn't matter.

I think not giving anyone the power to shame you about any of your decisions is so important--and a lesson many of us are still learning. I'm a bargain shopper and spend time to get a good deal but even my deal would be someone else's "I don't spend more than $20 on a bag." Ok. You love what you love ,and that's okay. Don't let anyone else's attempt to make you feel bad put you in a position where you feel you have to defend yourself.

I once read that a great response is, "Why would you say that? I"m sure you didn't intend to sound so judgmental." Put the responsibility of those words back on the person who spoke them. You don't have to defend yourself. And you don't have to respond to any snarky comments.

My favorite response is to choose my company carefully. I'm much more selective in my 40s than I was in my 20s, and the results are fantastic. I'm a grown woman with a career, family and community responsibilities. I'm not about to be shamed for how I spend my hard earned money.

 

[GA Peach]

Yes TejasMama! I agree with everything you said.


This thread must have really struck a cord with me because I keep coming back


I just heard something on TV that really made me go, hummmm....... "Judging a person doesn't have anything to do with that person but it says EVERYTHING about YOU!"

 

[dshanno412]

It doesn't matter what your passion is, there will always be people saying, "I wish I had that kind of money" or questioning how or why you spend so much money or time on what you love. I don't get dog people, but if that's what they love, let them at it. I always try to turn it back on someone when they try this. They ask about you're spending habits, then you need to ask how they afford those twice yearly Disney trips, or the seasonal football tickets, or whatever. Everyone has something they waste money on.

 

[donutsprinkles]

It doesn't matter what your passion is, there will always be people saying, "I wish I had that kind of money" or questioning how or why you spend so much money or time on what you love. I don't get dog people, but if that's what they love, let them at it. I always try to turn it back on someone when they try this. They ask about you're spending habits, then you need to ask how they afford those twice yearly Disney trips, or the seasonal football tickets, or whatever. Everyone has something they waste money on.

That's very true about pets. People will get onto you for saying so, but pets like cats and dogs are not cheap. The food, grooming (litterbox, bathing, clipping) and insurance are regular expenses that cannot be simply scrapped when one is tight for cash. I say this as someone who loves dogs.

A family member jokingly called me a "rich bi*ch," but the reality is that I spend money on very specific things that they're choosing to notice, and not what I don't have (cable TV/music/magazine subscriptions, expensive smartphone plans, mani/pedis, hair salon appts, fuel inefficient-but-pretty car). I am totally someone who would have LV and lovingly hop into my compact hatchback that's worth less than most empreinte bags.

When I used gift cards for Amazon to buy books, someone said I should save them for something that I really want. I had no idea what that could mean--obviously I wanted books that weren't groped over by library patrons' dirty lil' fingers.

 

[applecidered]

People are always super judgey when it comes to money. When I requested cash or gift cards for my wedding registry, my MIL kept telling me that my husband and I "had" to spend it on fine china or household things. In reality, we already had everything we need, and upgrading seemed wasteful since some items are still in good shape. Instead, we put it all straight into our bank account. I don't find it particularly useful to purchase things and only use them once or twice a year.

 

[oldbaglover]

People are always super judgey when it comes to money. When I requested cash or gift cards for my wedding registry, my MIL kept telling me that my husband and I "had" to spend it on fine china or household things. In reality, we already had everything we need, and upgrading seemed wasteful since some items are still in good shape. Instead, we put it all straight into our bank account. I don't find it particularly useful to purchase things and only use them once or twice a year.

I think that gift cards are a good idea. My husbands niece got married in March and I took a Bed Bath and Beyond gift card to the wedding as she had a furnished home. We haven't heard from her so I don't know if she liked receiving it.

 

[kheavk]

I was so hurt and surprised yesterday when talking to a friend of mine. She is someone who has never had any interest in handbags which I respect, but has other interests instead. She would think nothing of dropping a few hundred dollars a couple of times a month to see a play, takes fairly lavish vacations each year and all in all lives a great life. I couldn't be happier for her and share in her enthusiasm when she tells me about the plays she saw and her upcoming trips.

I live well within my means, don't go to plays or take lavish vacations but yes....I love and buy handbags. I only buy what I can afford--Coach, Longchamp and a few preloved LVs. Sometimes I save up quite some time to buy a special bag here and there. I can't afford the higher priced bags and I'm happy as a clam with the bags I can afford. I use them and love them. I feel that a handbag truly makes an outfit pop whether it's casual or dressy. I never judge anyone by what they spend their discretionary income on and I'm always happy for them.

I was excited about a great F&F Sale on a Coach bag that I purchased recently and my friend said to me that she's careful with her money and doesn't waste it on handbags. My head exploded but I calmly said that buying handbags has nothing to do with being careful with your money. I live a very quiet low key life. Everyone spends their money (after bills are paid) on what gives them pleasure. One person may want to spend their money on a dinner at an elegant restaurant with a hundred dollar bottle of wine which is great for them. I would never judge that but I am so sick of people making judgement on so many of us for our love of handbags. I will never share anything about any of my new bags again because I just can't deal with this.

Have you ever had this happen and how do you deal with it?

I would tell her that " My bag is my vacation ".