Harry Potter and the Haunted Handbag ('illustrated')

#31
In a panic, Hermione drew her wand and waved it at the box with shaky fingers.

‘Finite Incantatem…

‘Revellus…

‘Rennervate.’

Harry shook his head and pulled down her wand arm. She had been the most talented witch to finish at Hogwarts, but in her current state it would be more prudent to stop her before her series of restoring spells did something unexpected and irreversible.

Harry heard Hermione’s sobs start again beside him. Harry put an arm around her and when she finally spoke, it was in a long, self-flagellating rush:

‘Oh god, Harry, what have I done? I did this to Ron! If only I hadn’t stolen the book. If only I’d just listened to him, just once. I never do, you know. I never listen when he says “Hermione, you should always check if you have enough gas in the car,” or “Hermione, just get a proper handbag and stop giving me your wallet, keys and makeup to carry when we go out,” or “Hermione, stop meddling in Ministry affairs, especially ones that involve breaking and entering.” It’s all my fault,’ she hissed hysterically, ‘my fault - that he’s turned into this… this-‘

A knock at the door threatened to interrupt her rant, but as Harry rose to answer it, he left her getting down on her knees to mumble apologetically at the herringbone sack.

‘Oh, Ron. I’m so so sorry. We’ll find a way to turn you back, I promise… at least you’ll be safe here with Harry. And I haven’t told your parents yet, but…’

Harry sighed sadly and turned back to the door.

Yanking at the handle, he opened it to find… Ron.
 
#33
As the morning light flooded into the living room, Ron fixed Harry with an anxious stare.

‘Harry, thank god you’re awake,’ he said. ‘You’ve got to help me. I’ve just spent a fortune on a Muggle handbag – a fortune even for you, mate - for Hermione’s birthday, and it’s gone missing, so I need you to help me find…’

His voice trailed off at the sight of Hermione cradling the orange box and herringbone sack to her chest and sobbing.

Ron shot Harry a quizzical glance. ‘YOU had it?’

‘No, wait, let me explain-‘ Harry began, not really knowing where to start.

‘RON!’

Hermione dropped the sack and shot up, throwing herself into her husband’s arms. ‘Oh Ron, I thought I’d lost you!’

‘Actually,’ said Harry, starting to grin, ‘you thought he was a handbag.’

‘A handbag?’ Hermione sniffed against Ron’s shoulder.

‘That’s what’s in the box,’ said Ron. ‘I got it for your birthday and I left it there only for a second to get some gift wrap, but when I got back it was missing. I just spent the entire night combing the country for it! I thought the garden gnomes had stolen it.’

Harry’s shoulders relaxed for the first time since Hermione’s unexpected arrival, and he waved his wand in the direction of the kitchen to summon a fresh pot of coffee and three giant mugs with clawed handles (a wedding gift from Hagrid’s brother Grawp).

He and Ron sat down to watch as a significantly more cheerful Hermione knelt beside the box for a proper unveiling.

Over her head, Ron mouthed at Harry, ‘She thought I was a handbag???’

Harry shook his head and mouthed back, ‘Don’t ask.’
 
#34
And so they watched as Hermione peeled back the layers of tissue paper and gave the herringbone sack (in retrospect, probably a bit too twee for Voldie) a little tug...

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#35
'Oh, RON!' gasped Hermione.

From the look on Hermione's beaming face, glistening now with fresh but happy tears, what was in the herringbone sack was infinitely better than a severed head...

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#39
And they lived happily ever after and never spoke of the Necronomicon again (although Ron did mention once after several Firewhisky rounds that he and Hermione found some surprisingly kinky entries in the later chapters that made their winters in bed a whole lot warmer... But there are some secrets even Harry wasn't prepared to hear about his very best friends).

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The End.
 
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