Did I do the right thing?

[Greenredapple]

An Hermes bag being accidentally damaged is more similar, and would ding most people's financial accounts pretty hard. Is it really just about principles if we are going from Gucci Marmont to cars to $30k Hermes Kelly. How many would be nonchalant about ponying up for such repair or replacement costs?

Mentioned above are only examples. Different situations warrants modifications in perspective. Again we are not talking about Hèrmes bag here. We are still talking about Gucci handbag and repair cost being 170£. Expensive? Certainly. Not within means to some ? Certainly. Hypothetically, normal working woman in her twenties with decent salary can technically afford to pay 170£. If not then perhaps in installments. If not in installments, then convey her issue with money and offer her apology for forgetting and not being able to pay entirely for the cost. It's about the matter of principle, but also common decency.

 

[Emily1830]

As you can see from the various responses, some of us agreed with the OP and some agreed with the friend. There is no “right” answer here; it depends on your perspective.

OP, you just have to decide if this friendship is more important than the bag repair and the resentment that has built up over time. As I said before you have every right to not be her friend. If you feel like it’s not worth it, move on. If you want to maintain the friendship, then think about it from her perspective and let go of your resentment. Those are your options, and only you can decide which one is “right.”

 

[resplendent]

It signifies a form of spoken apology at that one particular moment. What bothers me the most in OPs situation is what came afterwards. I have friends who have conveniently "forgotten" something. How awkward is that.

I can't say I can remember whether I had such friends. I had one who borrowed $500 from me to buy a suit, and promised to pay within a week (there was a specific timeline), when he got his next pay stub. When about 10 days passed, I reminded him about it as I was leaving soon; he got pissy but paid me back.

I come from a working class background, so it makes me sensitive to certain issues ,but also to be mindful about other's financial situation. If there are issues, financial or some other awkward topic, then they should be brought up and be communicated in an approapiate way. We can't read people's mind

I am from a working class background, too. I am also fairly frugal, and sensitive about others' financial situations...so I suppose I am also sensitive to the friend (who we find out is in debt, which I suspected.)

Well she did care as a matter of principle. According to OP, her friend (assuming that she is female) started first in her tirade about OP taste in expensive handbags.

I find it weird to keep reading her being described as 'unapologetic' when I see an apology; 'refusing to pay' when she did at one point initiate an offer to pay, maybe lowballed in her lack of understanding. Combined with the passivity of OP and OP shutting down the initial conversation, it is a strange dynamic altogether. And now apparently on top of being an implied deadbeat, said friend is angry, horrible-toned, and an alleged luxury-shamer who starts tirades out of nowhere...the negative traits keep piling on? She just looks to me like an average person who does not understand luxury goods, who is reluctant to pay for such dubious goods/repairs while she is in debt, which is not uncommon for people in their 20s these days.

 

[shesnochill]

Thank you everyone for your comments on this. I’ve found it really challenging - not really because I miss our friendship (although I do sometimes), it’s more so I don’t want to look back and feel guilty at the situation. I had not spoken about this in depth with anyone as it stressed me out too much. This is the first argument I’ve ever really had with a friend (for it to cause a friend break-up) and it’s all quite new to me. I’ve parted from some friends in the past but that was due to drifting apart whereas this friendship ended due to this incident.

Many people have said that my friend is liable for the damages and I agree. Many think she isn’t. I believe that she should pay but what is more important to me is the person showing they actually care about what they did.
I tried to be a good friend and forget the whole thing to avoid confrontation and arguments (and what someone mentioned is indeed a very British trait). I did not succeed in this despite months of trying to put it to the back of my head. This was made worse by realising she hadn’t once brought it up and had it been the other way around, I wouldn’t dream of acting that way. I’d have messaged the next day non stop with apologies. Honestly had she shown some sign of guilt, the money thing wouldn’t have bothered me. I thought if she doesn’t seem to care why should I pay the whole thing. And it was made worse by her outbreak afterwards.
She insinuated that’s £170 to me is much less than £170 to her. I am incredibly frugal with my money and spend very wisely in general. I’ll always be paying the cheapest price for whatever item I want and my good spending habits allow me to buy these bags. Every penny is important to me and for someone to insinuate that £170 wont be as much to me was quite insulting.

So to summarise LOL, I’d have not brought up the money had she handled the situation better and properly apologised. It was all about the principle to me. Had she acted appropriately I’d probably not have brought up the fee again or I’d at least not have been so bothered about it.

@bagfan200

I’m sorry this issue had been causing you sleepless nights! Friendship is one part of our lives that takes a great amount of care, effort and love. So I don’t believe you wanted to be cruel or too much towards your friend — but her actions were simply not compassionate enough.

I think that we can all take away from this thread that we’re all here on TPF because we enjoy our contemporary/mid end/high end whatever designer bags — we all simply love bags AND we share that on here. @bagfan200 came in here sharing her story with us *hoping* (& correct me if I’m wrong) we’d understand her. I, can understand and see it from her point of view because I feel I’d feel the same way.

Not everyone:

1. Has an interest or love for bags like we do.
2. Holds the same value in XYZ.

XYZ could be a bag, a car, or even an item as simple as an organic fruit!

And I use the organic fruit as an example because not everyone may want to invest their $ in eating a fruit that’s non gmo, raised by a local farmer etc etc.

Or let’s say, a friend drives a car like a beautiful Tesla X and I happened to drop a drink or food while riding inside. (I’d offer to take care of my “accidental” damages/dirt.)

At the end of the day, the value in whatever the item is in the eye of the beholder —

We *should* be responsible and kind.
And I find that we must *try* to understand one another.

Okay forgive me if I have taken this too seriously hahaha

Best of luck to you @bagfan200!

 

[Joule]

It's just math. OP's bag was damaged + Friend caused the damage = Friend is responsible for repair cost to OP's bag.
The financial backgrounds of the parties involved are peripheral to the problem and could have been easily resolved. Deciding on a payment plan for the £170 or agreeing to a different, more palatable sum would have been a workable way to settle things. Instead, there were hysterics and severed ties.
The bag shaming the friend did was both immature and manipulative. She tried to reassign blame to OP for having expensive taste instead of accepting responsibility for the damage she herself caused.
OP, you're better off with friends who won't gaslight you. Cut your losses and consider yourself lucky in dodging future bullets.

 

[Winter’sJoy]

If someone ran into your car in an accident, they should be liable to cover the cost of repairs (insurance or not - its still on them) regardless of whether you chose to drive a beater or a luxury car.
Its still an accident, why shouldn't the friend be liable.
Just because someone didn't intentionally mean to run into your car doesn't mean they aren't responsible for the damages.
The friend should have been more careful, especially with a lit ciggie in her hand. She is lucky she only burnt a material item and not injured someone's flesh, possibly scarring them forever.

Great analogy!

 

[Winter’sJoy]

It’s funny that I have been liking posts from various perspectives which tell me that there really are no right or wrong answers. It varies depending upon the individual’s perspective. OP I think the decision about how to go forward with this situation depends solely on your perspective and how you feel about it. As an adult you will have to make decisions that you are comfortable with and feels right to you, stand on it and not care what others think.

If something bothers you, handle it the best way you know how and learn to be comfortable with your decision making skills. Will you always make a decision that is acceptable to everyone? Absolutely not but if you go through life trying to live up to the expectations and codes of others then you are in for a life of misery.

No matter what others say, if this is something you feel strongly about and you are being honest about all the facts, weighed the possible consequences and rewards, then make a decision and stick with it. I know you want many her to support your decision so you will feel like you did the right thing but only you have to live with your decision. Do what you feel will make you happier and less stressed. Life is far too short to live otherwise.

 

[ccbaggirl89]

Personally, if I chose to bring a velvet bag to a party, one with drinks and cigarettes, I would never dream to ask that anyone pay for any damage the bag may sustain.
Least of all the person who invited me to the party in the first place.

That is not to say that in the place of your friend I would not offer to pay. Personally, I would have. But faced with that offer and in your place, I would have refused.

I asked some female friends their take yesterday and at least I align with my friends We all agree she was owed an apology but the payment she got was good faith. If you bring an expensive purse/dress/shoes to a party with cigs and alcohol and food and drunk partying, you run the risk something will happen. I would offer payment to another but wouldn't hold others to my own standard. The OP gave the friend a pass at least 2x to not discuss it so she probably assumed it was done and over.

 

[leuleu]

Thank you so much. Started off by the bag but by no means about the bag itself at the moment. I’m just looking back hoping I acted appropriately but I think I did to be honest. I don’t want to look back one day and think I handled the situation wrong or was harsh with her. I know I left it for ages but I don’t think that’s a big deal , I explained to her why I left it so long and she didn’t bring that up.

I do think looking back she should have followed up. I know I would have. And for her to say all those things about her friends not having bags as expensive, and then criticising me for even asking for £170 when she has debt to pay off etc. All of that was a little unfair to put on me when I simply asked for the £170 lol

This is not YOUR fault if SHE burnt your bag.
Reading that you shouldn't have used this bag makes me...

 

[shesnochill]

It's just math. OP's bag was damaged + Friend caused the damage = Friend is responsible for repair cost to OP's bag.
The financial backgrounds of the parties involved are peripheral to the problem and could have been easily resolved. Deciding on a payment plan for the £170 or agreeing to a different, more palatable sum would have been a workable way to settle things. Instead, there were hysterics and severed ties.
The bag shaming the friend did was both immature and manipulative. She tried to reassign blame to OP for having expensive taste instead of accepting responsibility for the damage she herself caused.
OP, you're better off with friends who won't gaslight you. Cut your losses and consider yourself lucky in dodging future bullets.

Thumbs up!