Did I do the right thing?

[papertiger]

Bags are for living, velvet bags are perfect for evenings, but the OP didn't take her bag on a night out to a bar where there'd be cigarettes. Going out somewhere where there'd be no drinks is really hard.

The friend smoked on the way to the bar. They hadn't even arrived. There are no cigarettes in bars any more (UK).

Furthermore, the friend said she'd pay on the night for the dry cleaning. The OP had a choice to accept or refuse and she not only accepted that offer but took it at face value. The friend didn't say 'I'll give you £50 quid towards it'. To say she'd pay for the dry cleaning implies she'd pay the full amount. It's not like the OP is being unreasonable and asking the friend to buy a new bag, it's just the price of the accident.

Thank you OP, it's a great moral dilemma and has made many of us think hard. For us a similar situation is hypothetical, but for you it's real and I'm sure more about the friendship rather than a dry cleaning bill or bag.

The fact that your friend reminds me so much of my sister...

 

[resplendent]

I don't think OP did anything wrong with wearing/carrying anything she wanted. Velvet is a little more delicate than other materials, but that's not the issue I see...it's more like "what happens when there is an accident [we hope doesn't happen.]" Ash can burn leather, too.

If someone ran into your car in an accident, they should be liable to cover the cost of repairs (insurance or not - its still on them) regardless of whether you chose to drive a beater or a luxury car.
Its still an accident, why shouldn't the friend be liable.

In the jurisdictions I know, insurance is required for car. So go to insurance if friend doesn't end up wanting to pay ~$250 for what they consider a ding or a scratch?

Milord, I refer you to SatC S6E9 when Carrie gets shoe shamed. She goes to a friend's party and gets told to take her Manolos off at the door...and they get stolen....ends up the friend shoe shames Carrie.

Firstly, this is a really gross clip. I had to stop it at "...but I didn't have a choice in taking off my shoes..." Actually, you did, hun. You could just leave. Wearing shoes inside a home is gross (just my opinion.) If someone stole my shoes at a party, I wouldn't expect the host to pay at all, jeesh.

Luxury shaming = lame. I think most of us can agree.

But again, I still don't think OP's situation is luxury-shaming!

Furthermore, the friend said she'd pay on the night for the dry cleaning. The OP had a choice to accept or refuse and she not only accepted that offer but took it at face value. The friend didn't say 'I'll give you £50 quid towards it'. To say she'd pay for the dry cleaning implies she'd pay the full amount.

No, it doesn't. To me it means the friend would be willing to pay the average expected cost of a dry-clean, clearly she didn't expect the repair to cost 170 pounds. 170 pounds is an entire new bag for lots of people...or even a few new bags.

By the way, my parents have owned million-dollar homes, cars worth several thousands of dollars, but never purchased a bag worth more than $100. (A by-product of working for many years, and being frugal. My mom flatly refused my offer to buy her a Chanel flap.) What people consider unnecessary or exorbitant will vary. None in my family or circle of friends have paid more than $250 for a bag, except 2 (who also happen to be in my profession.) I would never ask any of them to pay for anything accidental happening to any of my luxury bags if they don't enjoy such things themselves, even if they pay thousands of dollars for other things.

I mean, if we are talking about the PRINCIPLE of the matter (and not the money), then I guess some of you think it's perfectly OK to expect the waiter to pay $30k for the value of a pink Hermes Kelly ruined by accidental wine?

Would the waiter be "luxury-shaming", or "mean", if he stated that none of his friends buy $30k Hermes bags? Or perhaps it is just a factual statement of "that is outside of my personal comfort zone of pleasures?"

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news...-sues-waiter-hermes-kelly-handbag/2562369001/

If you as a customer in a restaurant accidentally spilled something on such a bag, you would pay, maybe in installments, no questions asked? "It's not about the money"? Doesn't it come down to reasonable expenses, and relative financial situations?

 

[shesnochill]

Honestly, if a friend I loved damaged a bag of mine accidentally, I would not want them to pay for repairs or replacement. Stuff is just stuff and relationships with people you love are more important. If someone damaged a bag of mine on purpose, I would want them to pay for repairs, but accidental mistakes should be forgiven. Just my opinion, though!

I only read up to this comment but I love this point of view!

 

[bagfan200]

I only read up to this comment but I love this point of view!

i agree with this too but it’s a lot easier said than done when your friend doesn’t follow up about what she did and is barely apologetic. Had my friend said sorry properly and shown how awful she felt and not just ignored the situation after, then I really wouldn’t have been so bothered about the money. I asked after all those months after the realisation that she wasn’t bothered about it at all, so I didn’t feel bad bringing it up and asking for the money. If she had shown she really felt bad I would have then felt bad about asking for the money. It’s mainly about the principle

 

[shesnochill]

i agree with this too but it’s a lot easier said than done when your friend doesn’t follow up about what she did and is barely apologetic. Had my friend said sorry properly and shown how awful she felt and not just ignored the situation after, then I really wouldn’t have been so bothered about the money. I asked after all those months after the realisation that she wasn’t bothered about it at all, so I didn’t feel bad bringing it up and asking for the money. If she had shown she really felt bad I would have then felt bad about asking for the money. It’s mainly about the principle

Absolutely, I get it! Sometimes (often too much) people just “say” sorry — and not actually feel bad for what they did. For me personally, actions speaks louder than words.

 

[papertiger]

Pay for the dry cleaning' means pay for the dry cleaning' bill, she didn't say 'contribute to the dry cleaning'. One google will show this is about average, and BTW, in the UK, there are not that many places that will take on designer bags.

From the Restory https://the-restory.com/faq/

"How Much Will It Cost?
Pricing for standard work is detailed on the Services Page.

For non-standard, speciality services, including but not limited to colour and leather restorations, alterations, refashioning, major stain removal, sourcing non-standard hardware, we charge an hourly rate.

Most shoe restorations average out to just under £100 and most handbag restorations average to £150. Please note that these are averages and are meant to provide guidance.

Once your items reach our atelier, they are physically assessed and a proposed approach, list of services and quote will be provided by email. Here you can query, accept or decline your quote.

If you choose not to go ahead with any of the work, we’ll gladly return it to you. We kindly ask for a £15 carriage fee."

''Pay for the dry cleaning" and mean when you tell me how much the bill is I'll pay 30% is not implied within the phrase on the night or by the long silence in-between.

Not sure what parents have to do with this. Pretty sure OP and her friend are over 18.

In the case of the waiter spilling wine over a Kelly. Not sure what this has to do with it. This is about a velvet Gucci Marmont, dry cleaning, friendship (and how much it worth) and supporting a tPF member in her dilemma. Please contribute to the thread in the Hermes forum if you want to talk about that incident.

 

[bagfan200]

Thank you everyone for your comments on this. I’ve found it really challenging - not really because I miss our friendship (although I do sometimes), it’s more so I don’t want to look back and feel guilty at the situation. I had not spoken about this in depth with anyone as it stressed me out too much. This is the first argument I’ve ever really had with a friend (for it to cause a friend break-up) and it’s all quite new to me. I’ve parted from some friends in the past but that was due to drifting apart whereas this friendship ended due to this incident.

Many people have said that my friend is liable for the damages and I agree. Many think she isn’t. I believe that she should pay but what is more important to me is the person showing they actually care about what they did.
I tried to be a good friend and forget the whole thing to avoid confrontation and arguments (and what someone mentioned is indeed a very British trait). I did not succeed in this despite months of trying to put it to the back of my head. This was made worse by realising she hadn’t once brought it up and had it been the other way around, I wouldn’t dream of acting that way. I’d have messaged the next day non stop with apologies. Honestly had she shown some sign of guilt, the money thing wouldn’t have bothered me. I thought if she doesn’t seem to care why should I pay the whole thing. And it was made worse by her outbreak afterwards.
She insinuated that’s £170 to me is much less than £170 to her. I am incredibly frugal with my money and spend very wisely in general. I’ll always be paying the cheapest price for whatever item I want and my good spending habits allow me to buy these bags. Every penny is important to me and for someone to insinuate that £170 wont be as much to me was quite insulting.

So to summarise LOL, I’d have not brought up the money had she handled the situation better and properly apologised. It was all about the principle to me. Had she acted appropriately I’d probably not have brought up the fee again or I’d at least not have been so bothered about it.

 

[bagfan200]

Pay for the dry cleaning' means pay for the dry cleaning' bill, she didn't say 'contribute to the dry cleaning'. One google will show this is about average, and BTW, in the UK, there are not that many places that will take on designer bags.

From the Restory https://the-restory.com/faq/

"How Much Will It Cost?
Pricing for standard work is detailed on the Services Page.

For non-standard, speciality services, including but not limited to colour and leather restorations, alterations, refashioning, major stain removal, sourcing non-standard hardware, we charge an hourly rate.

Most shoe restorations average out to just under £100 and most handbag restorations average to £150. Please note that these are averages and are meant to provide guidance.

Once your items reach our atelier, they are physically assessed and a proposed approach, list of services and quote will be provided by email. Here you can query, accept or decline your quote.

If you choose not to go ahead with any of the work, we’ll gladly return it to you. We kindly ask for a £15 carriage fee."

''Pay for the dry cleaning" and mean when you tell me how much the bill is I'll pay 30% is not implied within the phrase on the night or by the long silence in-between.

Not sure what parents have to do with this. Pretty sure OP and her friend are over 18.

In the case of the waiter spilling wine over a Kelly. Not sure what this has to do with it. This is about a velvet Gucci Marmont, dry cleaning, friendship (and how much it worth) and supporting a tPF member in her dilemma. Please contribute to the thread in the Hermes forum if you want to talk about that incident.

I love your messages and agree completely! The Restory is the exact place I got the quote from. And actually, the price has increased to over £200 for my repairs. (It was 170 at time of argument). I’m wondering If I should just leave the repairs for another time. The little burn hole isn’t noticeable to anyone else but me knowing it’s there bugs me a lot so I’m in two minds!

And regarding our ages. We are mid twenties !

 

[Greenredapple]

This is a sort of spoken apology. I take it to mean that she feels horrible about having done the damage (whether you believe her or not...you would have to judge by tone and facial expression...but that would be the same if she had said 'I am so sorry', or 'Oh my gosh, I wish I hadn't,' etc.) It signifies regret. Then she brought it up later. Then she mentioned she would be willing to "pay the dry-cleaning costs." OP, you are denying any acknowledgement of these words/gestures from her as a form of contrition/concern, and you do sound like you are holding a grudge.

It signifies a form of spoken apology at that one particular moment. What bothers me the most in OPs situation is what came afterwards. I have friends who have conveniently "forgotten" something. How awkward is that.

It doesn't matter whether reminder came after six months. The fact that OP did bring the issue up is what counts in my opinion. Granted there are people who genuinely forget things and it's fine. We are all human here.

I come from a working class background, so it makes me sensitive to certain issues ,but also to be mindful about other's financial situation. If there are issues, financial or some other awkward topic, then they should be brought up and be communicated in an approapiate way. We can't read people's mind.

If you didn't care for her to pay that, then why would you mention the repair quote, or mention judging her on her own spending habits?

Well she did care as a matter of principle. According to OP, her friend (assuming that she is female) started first in her tirade about OP taste in expensive handbags.

 

[papertiger]

I love your messages and agree completely! The Restory is the exact place I got the quote from. And actually, the price has increased to over £200 for my repairs. (It was 170 at time of argument). I’m wondering If I should just leave the repairs for another time. The little burn hole isn’t noticeable to anyone else but me knowing it’s there bugs me a lot so I’m in two minds!

And regarding our ages. We are mid twenties !

They are one of the very few restorers in the UK that will work with bags. Mostly, it's only shoe repairers/restorers.

I'm sorry the price has gone up. Hope it all goes well if you decide to get it done.

For my peace of mind (and I love my Guccis and hope to be buying a Gucci velvet bag very soon) I would get it done ASAP, just to get it out the way. I couldn't look down at my bag and be reminded of all this unpleasantness without 'closure' (no bag pun intended). Even if there was a tiny mark left after, at least I did what I could and feel good about myself.

 

[bagfan200]

It signifies a form of spoken apology at that one particular moment. What bothers me the most in OPs situation is what came afterwards. I have friends who have conveniently "forgotten" something. How awkward is that.

It doesn't matter whether reminder came after six months. The fact that OP did bring the issue up is what counts in my opinion. Granted there are people who genuinely forget things and it's fine. We are all human here.

I come from a working class background, so it makes me sensitive to certain issues ,but also to be mindful about other's financial situation. If there are issues, financial or some other awkward topic, then they should be brought up and be communicated in an approapiate way. We can't read people's mind.



Well she did care as a matter of principle. According to OP, her friend (assuming that she is female) started first in her tirade about OP taste in expensive handbags.

They are one of the very few restorers in the UK that will work with bags. Mostly, it's only shoe repairers/restorers.

I'm sorry the price has gone up. Hope it all goes well if you decide to get it done.

For my peace of mind (and I love my Guccis and hope to be buying a Gucci velvet bag very soon) I would get it done ASAP, just to get it out the way. I couldn't look down at my bag and be reminded of all this unpleasantness without 'closure' (no bag pun intended). Even if there was a tiny mark left after, at least I did what I could and feel good about myself.

Yes she said that £170 is a lot to pay when in reality her other friends bags probably wouldn’t cost £170 as a whole and if they did cost £170 it’s a repair she’d be able to afford to pay.

I think there was no need to bring up her other friends like that trying to make me feel bad for having expensive bags like odd one out or something.

 

[Greenredapple]

Instead of taking sides and making assumptions, shouldn't we all give OP the advice that she seeks? She is clearly remorseful and feels awful about the whole situation. Regret is clearly lingering. I am assuming that the bag was a catylyst that started the whole thing, but not the main point. The main point was her friend's behaviour and the matter of principle of honouring what she originally promised to do.

OP, I hope that you succeed in getting closure. Good luck!

 

[bagfan200]

And then she went on to say that she can’t keep up with me anymore...she’s still paying off the holiday and so me asking for £170 shows that me and her are from completely different worlds...etc etc. It was just so over the top and defensive. I didn’t even argue that she couldn’t pay £170 so this was all a bit dramatic. I said I guess £50 is better than nothing please send when you can. And then she went on to say all of that....it’s like she went crazy defensive without me even arguing lol.

you know what, writing all of this out has helped me so much and realising I really can’t be bothered for this friendship if she is able to act like that.

 

[bagfan200]

Instead of taking sides and making assumptions, shouldn't we all give OP the advice that she seeks? She is clearly remorseful and feels awful about the whole situation. Regret is clearly lingering. I am assuming that the bag was a catylyst that started the whole thing, but not the main point. The main point was her friend's behaviour and the matter of principle of honouring what she originally promised to do.

OP, I hope that you succeed in getting closure. Good luck!

Thank you so much. Started off by the bag but by no means about the bag itself at the moment. I’m just looking back hoping I acted appropriately but I think I did to be honest. I don’t want to look back one day and think I handled the situation wrong or was harsh with her. I know I left it for ages but I don’t think that’s a big deal , I explained to her why I left it so long and she didn’t bring that up.

I do think looking back she should have followed up. I know I would have. And for her to say all those things about her friends not having bags as expensive, and then criticising me for even asking for £170 when she has debt to pay off etc. All of that was a little unfair to put on me when I simply asked for the £170 lol

 

[resplendent]

Pay for the dry cleaning' means pay for the dry cleaning' bill, she didn't say 'contribute to the dry cleaning'. One google will show this is about average, and BTW, in the UK, there are not that many places that will take on designer bags.

And it is apparent that friend didn't expect it to be 170 pounds. I am repeating myself on this.

Not sure what parents have to do with this. Pretty sure OP and her friend are over 18.

My parents were also over 18 when they were my parents...I don't know what age has to do with this. But the point was that even for people who pay thousands of dollars for non-bag goods and services (such as the friend being judged for skin treatments), a luxury bag repair--let alone replacement--can be out of the range of what they consider normal/reasonable.

In the case of the waiter spilling wine over a Kelly. Not sure what this has to do with it. This is about a velvet Gucci Marmont, dry cleaning, friendship (and how much it worth) and supporting a tPF member in her dilemma. Please contribute to the thread in the Hermes forum if you want to talk about that incident.

This isn't the Gucci forum either--I double-checked. I thought thread was about bags in general, dealing with friends who are not into bags, accidental damage, and allegedly, "principles." The OP didn't ask for emotional support, she asked for our opinions and thoughts.

People are bringing up cars into this, are they to be directed into the Cars subforum? It was an analogy I most disagreed with.

An Hermes bag being accidentally damaged is more similar, and would ding most people's financial accounts pretty hard. Is it really just about principles if we are going from Gucci Marmont to cars to $30k Hermes Kelly. How many would be nonchalant about ponying up for such repair or replacement costs?