Did I do the right thing?

[bagfan200]

Thank you. I think even if we resolved the issue the friendship wouldn’t be the same ever again now given the things she has said.

I am not sure if you saw the original post since i edited it but I added she did reluctantly give me the £50 by bank transfer during our argument. The rest of the repair costs will be from me. I did keep the £50 as it still helps somewhat towards the cost and makes the payment slightly less painful I guess.

 

[bagfan200]

I think there is more behind this than just the bag. I think this is probably not a good friendship for either of you--you both have criticisms of each other, for example-- for whatever reasons, and sometimes we need to move on from even long term friendships.
Don't collect money from her, repair your bag and move on. And if you really worry about your bags, maybe no velvet bags for a night of partying with people who smoke

sorry forgot to quote getting the hang of this

 

[SakuraSakura]

Honestly, I'm kind of on your friend's side. It was an accident. Unless she was doing something obnoxious, I don't really see how you could expect her to shell out so much money to repair a bag.



More so, why did you wait six months to bring this up? I'd be irritated too if my "friend" was holding a grudge against me for 6 months about an accident.



In the same way she shouldn't judge you for having "extravagant" things, you should not judge her for how she spends her money.

YES! This was one of my thoughts as well. It's pretty hypocritical to become offended when others critique our spending habits when we're also doing those same sorts of actions.

 

[SakuraSakura]

Thank you. I think even if we resolved the issue the friendship wouldn’t be the same ever again now given the things she has said.

I am not sure if you saw the original post since i edited it but I added she did reluctantly give me the £50 by bank transfer during our argument. The rest of the repair costs will be from me. I did keep the £50 as it still helps somewhat towards the cost and makes the payment slightly less painful I guess.

I don't particularly think it's the best idea to accept money from this friend especially under these conditions. If someone reluctantly gives you something, it's adding resentment into the friendship. This was also an honest mistake - sure, one she could've handled it better with a genuine apology - but also one that shouldn't be held above her head.

 

[Winter’sJoy]

The friend should have definitely offered to at least give something towards the repair cost but my issue is she brought it up on the train ride back home. You should have said something right then and there or very soon after instead of downplaying it. It seems you were fine with her not paying until you found out the repair costs but was too scared to bring it up to her. This is not her fault.

Instead of working it out like adults and longtime friends, you stewed over it for months getting angrier and angrier and expected her to read your mind. That is not very good communication. I would have given you the money but would have been thrown off by the issue being brought up after months of hearing nothing on the matter. Maybe it wasn’t a good time for her to give you money, I don’t know but why stop the conversation when she tried to talk about it then get mad when she doesn’t bring it up again? That’s pretty crazy.

 

[bagfan200]

The friend should have definitely offered to at least give something towards the repair cost but my issue is she brought it up on the train ride back home. You should have said something right then and there or very soon after instead of downplaying it. It seems you were fine with her not paying until you found out the repair costs but was too scared to bring it up to her. This is not her fault.

Instead of working it out like adults and longtime friends, you stewed over it for months getting angrier and angrier and expected her to read your mind. That is not very good communication. I would have given you the money but would have been thrown off by the issue being brought up after months of hearing nothing on the matter. Maybe it wasn’t a good time for her to give you money, I don’t know but why stop the conversation when she tried to talk about it then get mad when she doesn’t bring it up again? That’s pretty crazy.

i know what you’re saying but I only stopped the conversation because it was her birthday night out and I didn’t want to spoil it by making her feel bad. Looking back I wish I had just discussed it then but at that moment I felt like It would be better to leave it for another day. And then I tried to forget it to avoid an argument but after time I just couldn’t.

 

[papertiger]

First of all, I think if this bag is reparable you are lucky, I don't know how they're (the repair shop) going to make it look right again. Once the velvet is gone. it's gone. If Gucci are doing it for you than that's great and very reasonable considering the work that we know is involved. You are lucky the bag is not totally ruined.

Personally I think you did absolutely the right thing. I would have also taken the £50 because I don't think she will give you more. It's not for her to set the price, the price is the price of the repair. I also would have severed the friendship unless there's a group dynamic to this relationship. Most women know how expensive designer bags are and how, but it doesn't matter Gucci or H&M the repair bill is on her. She does not sound like someone who is loyal to you or values your friendship. From experience from lending to friends many times over and never given back (even after begging and reassurances in the face of my reluctance and talking about past experience). It was a great way of saying goodbye to the friend and to my wardrobe.

Had I been her, I would have immediately have said, whatever it costs for a repair I will pay. If I can't pay straight away I'll give to you over a couple of months. Had you said to forget about it that would be different, but it sounds like she was careless, not deliberate nor reckless but she did it. That's how most accidents happen She was the one who should have brought it up again to make sure everything was alright between you, she should feel terrible about the incident not left you sad about the bag and twisted inside for so long. It's about valuing the friendship not just the bag, it's about valuing what you value. Considering the price of cigarettes in the UK (presuming UK since you mention £) if she can afford to smoke, she can afford the repair.

 

[bagfan200]

First of all, I think if this bag is reparable you are lucky, I don't know how they're (the repair shop) going to make it look right again. Once the velvet is gone. it's gone. If Gucci are doing it for you than that's great and very reasonable considering the work that we know is involved. You are lucky the bag is not totally ruined.

Personally I think you did absolutely the right thing. I would have also taken the £50 because I don't think she will give you more. It's not for her to set the price, the price is the price of the repair. I also would have severed the friendship unless there's a group dynamic to this relationship. Most women know how expensive designer bags are and how, but it doesn't matter Gucci or H&M the repair bill is on her. She does not sound like someone who is loyal to you or values your friendship. From experience from lending to friends many times over and never given back (even after begging and reassurances in the face of my reluctance and talking about past experience). It was a great way of saying goodbye to the friend and to my wardrobe.

Had I been her, I would have immediately have said, whatever it costs for a repair I will pay. If I can't pay straight away I'll give to you over a couple of months. Had you said to forget about it that would be different, but it sounds like she was careless, not deliberate nor reckless but she did it. That's how most accidents happen She was the one who should have brought it up again to make sure everything was alright between you, she should feel terrible about the incident not left you sad about the bag and twisted inside for so long. It's about valuing the friendship not just the bag, it's about valuing what you value. Considering the price of cigarettes in the UK (presuming UK since you mention £) if she can afford to smoke, she can afford the repair.

Thank you for this - I feel exactly the same way.
I understand it wasn’t great of me to brush it off and act calm on the night it happened but honestly for some reason I felt because it was her birthday it wouldn’t be fair to let her feel terrible about it and so I said we’d discuss it another time. Even if that insinuated that i was calm about it, I feel like any reasonable person should have followed up and apologised. She knows the cost of the bag and how much I love designer handbags! And that aside, it’s just the right thing to do by apologising properly and showing you care.

Yes exactly she can afford to smoke. I mentioned before in my post how she is terrible at spending - I didn’t say this to her but it’s just something I know. She would spend 1-2 thousand on skincare treatments and things which didn’t really work etc - my point is that her saying £170 is too much money to pay as she can’t afford it is a lie. It’s just because she didn’t feel it was worth it for her mistake.

I’m sorry that you have lent stuff to friends who didn’t return your items! That sucks.

this friend of mine said that her and I are from different backgrounds and if I think £170 is a lot, imagine how much that is for her etc etc. Personally I am very good with my money, I am frugal and spend wisely so that I have enough to spend on holidays, good restaurants and a bag every year or two. £170 to me is the same £170 to her. Just because she thinks I have more money doesn’t mean £170 means less to me!

 

[bagfan200]

Also - I did say to her it’s fine she can’t pay it all at once, she could do it over time that’s fine and she said that she wasn’t able to afford £170 in general

 

[jaskg144]

Realistically, as a good friend, she should have offered to pay the full amount or pay in instalments (as someone else on here mentioned). If I had damaged a friend's property I would pay for the repair, and I would expect them to do the same.

 

[bagfan200]

Realistically, as a good friend, she should have offered to pay the full amount or pay in instalments (as someone else on here mentioned). If I had damaged a friend's property I would pay for the repair, and I would expect them to do the same.

Thanks. So would I. If it was a case of me damaging her bag I’d feel so bad and offer to pay the full repair either fully or over time. Thanks for your response.

 

[Winter’sJoy]

i know what you’re saying but I only stopped the conversation because it was her birthday night out and I didn’t want to spoil it by making her feel bad. Looking back I wish I had just discussed it then but at that moment I felt like It would be better to leave it for another day. And then I tried to forget it to avoid an argument but after time I just couldn’t.

I totally understand but you didn’t leave it for another day, you left it for months. I would have just said I get a repair estimate and let you know but let’s enjoy your birthday tonight and mentioned the estimate right after I got it. Communication is always key.

 

[Winter’sJoy]

Thank you for this - I feel exactly the same way.
I understand it wasn’t great of me to brush it off and act calm on the night it happened but honestly for some reason I felt because it was her birthday it wouldn’t be fair to let her feel terrible about it and so I said we’d discuss it another time. Even if that insinuated that i was calm about it, I feel like any reasonable person should have followed up and apologised. She knows the cost of the bag and how much I love designer handbags! And that aside, it’s just the right thing to do by apologising properly and showing you care.

Yes exactly she can afford to smoke. I mentioned before in my post how she is terrible at spending - I didn’t say this to her but it’s just something I know. She would spend 1-2 thousand on skincare treatments and things which didn’t really work etc - my point is that her saying £170 is too much money to pay as she can’t afford it is a lie. It’s just because she didn’t feel it was worth it for her mistake.

I’m sorry that you have lent stuff to friends who didn’t return your items! That sucks.

this friend of mine said that her and I are from different backgrounds and if I think £170 is a lot, imagine how much that is for her etc etc. Personally I am very good with my money, I am frugal and spend wisely so that I have enough to spend on holidays, good restaurants and a bag every year or two. £170 to me is the same £170 to her. Just because she thinks I have more money doesn’t mean £170 means less to me!

We all have things that we are willing to spend on and things we’re not depending upon what we are into or think is important. I don’t think it’s fair of you to pass judgment on how she spends and she shouldn’t judge how you spend and on what. Information on how she chooses to spend her money is irrelevant.

 

[bagfan200]

I totally understand but you didn’t leave it for another day, you left it for months. I would have just said I get a repair estimate and let you know but let’s enjoy your birthday tonight and mentioned the estimate right after I got it. Communication is always key.

you’re right. I was just trying to get over it hence why I left it. But I just couldn’t deal with it any longer. The delay was because I hoped I would just forget about it. I agree with you I did leave it a long time but that doesn’t excuse the things she said right? Also, me leaving it for months doesnt mean she should be excused for not being apologetic. She didn’t even really say she’s sorry she couldn’t afford it. If she had been really apologetic I wouldn’t have cared about the cost as much. My main issue is her not seeming to care about what she did. Even when we met again and I had that handbag with me she said nothing

 

[Winter’sJoy]

you’re right. I was just trying to get over it hence why I left it. But I just couldn’t deal with it any longer. The delay was because I hoped I would just forget about it. I agree with you I did leave it a long time but that doesn’t excuse the things she said right? Also, me leaving it for months doesnt mean she should be excused for not being apologetic. She didn’t even really say she’s sorry she couldn’t afford it. If she had been really apologetic I wouldn’t have cared about the cost as much. My main issue is her not seeming to care about what she did. Even when we met again and I had that handbag with me she said nothing

No, it does not excuse what she said. It seems like the both of you were holding your breath waiting for the other to speak on it first. You’ve been stewing over this incident and now it has morphed into a bigger issue and that’s why I wish you would have nipped it in the bud quickly. Outside of this incident has she been a good friend? Is the friendship salvageable and worth saving? Only you know the answer to that. To be honest, she might not have cared because it wasn’t her bag, she doesn’t think it’s important and people are often plain selfish. I would have been mortified and would have paid but you’ll learn that everyone does not think like you unfortunately, although it may be the most obvious thing to do. I’m sorry this happened and I do hope you get it fixed to your satisfaction.