Did I do the right thing?

[bagfan200]

She said that any of her other friends’ bags would be worth more around the repair fee mark (£170) and they wouldn’t have bags as expensive as mine. Which is fine but that shouldn’t be used against me when I ask for the repair fee. She didn’t seem to have an issue that I asked for the fee so many months later, as I explained I was trying to forget what happened. Her issue was with me thinking I could ask for £170 and then she went into how we are from different backgrounds and I don’t realise how she doesn’t have as much money as me etc. That’s why I brought up how she spends her money, just because I do know she has a lot to spend on herself which she has done, and it has showed that she can afford such an amount. What she spends her money on is not my business I just wanted to point out that she can actually afford it.

Re the friendship- to be honest it wasn’t great at that time as it was one of those situations where I’d always be the one planning to meet up and organising otherwise she’d just leave it for ages and ages. And when we’d go on holiday I’d be the one planning every detail and logistics and she’d just do very little.We had a trip last summer which happened despite our bag incident (although the argument hadn’t happened at this point). She booked one of the hotels and ended up paying a lot more because she didn’t bother looking at different websites. That was really annoying. She’s quite lazy.
Her lack of making an effort was continuous thing which bothered me a lot but I let it go because she was otherwise a good friend and always fun to hang out with. But what’s the point if it’s all one-sided?

 

[Winter’sJoy]

She said that any of her other friends’ bags would be worth more around the repair fee mark (£170) and they wouldn’t have bags as expensive as mine. Which is fine but that shouldn’t be used against me when I ask for the repair fee. She didn’t seem to have an issue that I asked for the fee so many months later, as I explained I was trying to forget what happened. Her issue was with me thinking I could ask for £170 and then she went into how we are from different backgrounds and I don’t realise how she doesn’t have as much money as me etc. That’s why I brought up how she spends her money, just because I do know she has a lot to spend on herself which she has done, and it has showed that she can afford such an amount. What she spends her money on is not my business I just wanted to point out that she can actually afford it.

Re the friendship- to be honest it wasn’t great at that time as it was one of those situations where I’d always be the one planning to meet up and organising otherwise she’d just leave it for ages and ages. And when we’d go on holiday I’d be the one planning every detail and logistics and she’d just do very little.We had a trip last summer which happened despite our bag incident (although the argument hadn’t happened at this point). She booked one of the hotels and ended up paying a lot more because she didn’t bother looking at different websites. That was really annoying. She’s quite lazy.
Her lack of making an effort was continuous thing which bothered me a lot but I let it go because she was otherwise a good friend and always fun to hang out with. But what’s the point if it’s all one-sided?

You may have to lower your expectations of her and accept who she is if you want to continue being friends. She may just be that friend that you go do fun stuff with and that’s it. We all have friends and people in our lives that fill different roles in our lives and in theirs, compartmentalize. She may not be one of those true blue, we are there for each other no matter what kind of friend and that maybe okay if you have other friends you have that kind of relationship with. Keep it superficial or cut them out altogether if you just can’t deal with someone like that.

 

[bagfan200]

You may have to lower your expectations of her and accept who she is if you want to continue being friends. She may just be that friend that you go do fun stuff with and that’s it. We all have friends and people in our lives that fill different roles in our lives and in theirs, compartmentalize. She may not be one of those true blue, we are there for each other no matter what kind of friend and that maybe okay if you have other friends you have that kind of relationship with. Keep it superficial or cut them out altogether if you just can’t deal with someone like that.

You are very wise

If I am totally honest, I am doing just fine without her in my life. There are moments where I do miss our friendship and memories but I do not think I can brush off what she said to me...it was quite hurtful and overly defensive on her part.

I think the reason why this is bugging me at the moment (apart from having way too much free time to overthink these days..) I look back and hope that I wasn't out of order in any way. I do not think I was, I simply asked if she could contribute and she flipped when I said £170. Even when she said she couldn't afford the whole amount, I wasn't horrible and said it is better than nothing etc. I just do not want to look back and think I acted wrongly and it was my fault and if I convince myself I didn't do anything wrong by asking her to pay then I can move on fully

 

[Joule]

It all boils down to this:
1. This is what the repair will cost.
2. She is the reason for the damage.
While waiting to discuss it may not have been your best bet, her sulking about the original price of the bag is childish. What's more, her criticizism of you for purchasing it in the first place makes no sense: it's irrelevant to the facts. If you have a repair quote to show her, it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to pay it.

Frankly, her tendency to throw temper-tantrums would be what ultimately ended the friendship, were I in your shoes.

 

[Winter’sJoy]

You are very wise

If I am totally honest, I am doing just fine without her in my life. There are moments where I do miss our friendship and memories but I do not think I can brush off what she said to me...it was quite hurtful and overly defensive on her part.

I think the reason why this is bugging me at the moment (apart from having way too much free time to overthink these days..) I look back and hope that I wasn't out of order in any way. I do not think I was, I simply asked if she could contribute and she flipped when I said £170. Even when she said she couldn't afford the whole amount, I wasn't horrible and said it is better than nothing etc. I just do not want to look back and think I acted wrongly and it was my fault and if I convince myself I didn't do anything wrong by asking her to pay then I can move on fully

I don’t think you should feel bad at all. Some relationships last, some don’t and for various reasons. I would simply take this as a life lesson and move on. I’m sure you learned somethings from this incident that you can apply in life later. Don’t let this get you down.

 

[ccbaggirl89]

If it was a cheaper no-brand bag I bet you wouldn't have cared. Your expectation for her to come good and make sincere apology for something is because you know what you paid for the bag. It's not her fault you brought or bought a 1200+ bag along so anything towards it was generous enough, and you waited a really long time seething over it - it would have been better to deal with this asap and not let it linger for months. Just get the bag fixed yourself and either let the friendship go or talk it over with her more, you are obviously still troubled. I recall being in a car with someone who got a speeding ticket and then requested I pay half. I am more on the side of the friend, sorry.

 

[bagfan200]

It all boils down to this:
1. This is what the repair will cost.
2. She is the reason for the damage.
While waiting to discuss it may not have been your best bet, her sulking about the original price of the bag is childish. What's more, her criticizism of you for purchasing it in the first place makes no sense: it's irrelevant to the facts. If you have a repair quote to show her, it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to pay it.

Frankly, her tendency to throw temper-tantrums would be what ultimately ended the friendship, were I in your shoes.

I don’t think you should feel bad at all. Some relationships last, some don’t and for various reasons. I would simply take this as a life lesson and move on. I’m sure you learned somethings from this incident that you can apply in life later. Don’t let this get you down.

Thank you both for this, your words have helped a lot here. I think I will be able to get over this in the knowledge that I didn't do anything wrong by asking her for the money. I realise I waited a long time to ask but I truly was hoping to be able to get over it which I wasn't able to do and eventually I broke down and had to bring it up. Me bringing it up was also partially to do with the realisation that she never properly apologised which bugged me a lot. Even if she cannot pay the whole amount, which is fine, she should have been more apologetic rather than defensive and bringing up how she thinks I have more money.

Joule - yes I think her temper tantrum is one of the key reasons I cannot see myself being friends with her again, at least not in the same way as before. Some hurtful things cannot be forgiven!

 

[bagfan200]

If it was a cheaper no-brand bag I bet you wouldn't have cared. Your expectation for her to come good and make sincere apology for something is because you know what you paid for the bag. It's not her fault you brought or bought a 1200+ bag along so anything towards it was generous enough, and you waited a really long time seething over it - it would have been better to deal with this asap and not let it linger for months. Just get the bag fixed yourself and either let the friendship go or talk it over with her more, you are obviously still troubled. I recall being in a car with someone who got a speeding ticket and then requested I pay half. I am more on the side of the friend, sorry.

I would have cared less so about the cost of repair if it was a cheap bag but if the person who damaged it was unapologetic like in my current case, then I would be equally as upset. A bag can have a huge sentimental value if not monetary. If anyone damaged something of mine no matter the cost and didn't seem to show any signs of guilt or apologising, then I would certainly be offended like now. It is made worse by the fact this bag is so expensive and she knows the cost. If she had been apologetic and actually said sorry I really wouldn't have cared about her paying the amount. I deserved an apology regardless.

The speeding ticket thing is completely ridiculous and you shouldn't have had to pay that. I do not think it is quite the same situation though

 

[bagfan200]

Just to clarify, although I did rightfully ask her to pay, I started the conversation saying if she could pay or contribute. I also did not get mad when she said she wouldn't be able to pay the whole amount.

The thing I am mad about really is her attitude about it (unapologetic) and also her outburst insulting me and my expensive taste. I personally do not think it is fair to say that her friends would never have a bag so expensive and that we are from different backgrounds and that I have more money than her etc...I felt that was not fair to say to me when all I did was ask her to pay the repair cost and didn't get mad when she said she couldn't. Just wanted to highlight that it is not the money I am mad about.

 

[Shelby33]

Well it had been months, you had seen each other in that time, and even went on a trip together, maybe she was just taken aback at you bringing it up then, and reacted inappropriately.
Personally I don't go on trips with people unless we are pretty close, 10 years is a long time, but if you've been unhappy about aspects of the friendship anyway then I understand why you'd end it.

 

[resplendent]

I am more sympathetic to the friend...but I hope this isn't construed as me aiming to be harsh on OP.

I grew up poor-ish and my parents worked their butts off for 50+ years (they retired in their 70s.) I say poor-ish because we were not in any danger of being evicted, or unable to pay for food, electricity, basic clothes, etc...but there would have been a time where anyone asking us for £170 (or its equivalent in the past) in luxury bag repair would have been outside of my parents' budget. Even considering my mom being a smoker, and my grandparents (my early-childhood babysitters) as well...this was back in the 1980s. Let's say I as a child tripped and spilled a grape juice on a fictional auntie's velvet bag...or maybe a stranger's on the sidewalk. It's a lot of money for a lot of people.

The birthday girl said ‘i Wish the ground would swallow me up’

This is a sort of spoken apology. I take it to mean that she feels horrible about having done the damage (whether you believe her or not...you would have to judge by tone and facial expression...but that would be the same if she had said 'I am so sorry', or 'Oh my gosh, I wish I hadn't,' etc.) It signifies regret. Then she brought it up later. Then she mentioned she would be willing to "pay the dry-cleaning costs." OP, you are denying any acknowledgement of these words/gestures from her as a form of contrition/concern, and you do sound like you are holding a grudge.

do you think I am right in not wanting to be her friend anymore

Yes, you are completely in your right not to be her friend anymore.

do you think her behaviour was unacceptable?

No, I do not find it unacceptable.

I do not know her financial situation. On the other hand, I imagine that someone who buys luxury goods should have an insurance policy that might cover them? I had to notify my home insurance about my luxury goods that I would like covered.

I personally do not think it is fair to say that her friends would never have a bag so expensive and that we are from different backgrounds and that I have more money than her etc...I felt that was not fair to say to me when all I did was ask her to pay the repair cost and didn't get mad when she said she couldn't. Just wanted to highlight that it is not the money I am mad about.

I think she makes a fair point, that not everyone can even afford luxury bags of a certain price...someone being able to buy one suggests they more likely to be able to afford the repair costs (as opposed to those who cannot)...and to be frank you do come across as it being about the money, literally her not paying the 170. If you didn't care for her to pay that, then why would you mention the repair quote, or mention judging her on her own spending habits?

 

[quackedup]

If someone ran into your car in an accident, they should be liable to cover the cost of repairs (insurance or not - its still on them) regardless of whether you chose to drive a beater or a luxury car.
Its still an accident, why shouldn't the friend be liable.
Just because someone didn't intentionally mean to run into your car doesn't mean they aren't responsible for the damages.
The friend should have been more careful, especially with a lit ciggie in her hand. She is lucky she only burnt a material item and not injured someone's flesh, possibly scarring them forever.

 

[papertiger]

If it was a cheaper no-brand bag I bet you wouldn't have cared. Your expectation for her to come good and make sincere apology for something is because you know what you paid for the bag. It's not her fault you brought or bought a 1200+ bag along so anything towards it was generous enough, and you waited a really long time seething over it - it would have been better to deal with this asap and not let it linger for months. Just get the bag fixed yourself and either let the friendship go or talk it over with her more, you are obviously still troubled. I recall being in a car with someone who got a speeding ticket and then requested I pay half. I am more on the side of the friend, sorry.

I think there's a difference in your car analogy.

You weren't driving their car. Your car-mate was driving their own car too fast and was ticketed. To ask you to pay half was ridiculous. This is def someone who is slightly challenged.

OP's friend ruined OP's bag. OP didn't flick ash on her own bag and ask the friend to contribute because she was out with her. It was her friend's action that caused the accident.

Whilst I agree with a lot of people who said OP should have said something earlier, we are not all blessed with such confidence. It takes a lot of guts to bring it up and that's what the friend was hoping for. I don't know how it is in different cultures but in the UK it's practically forbidden to get upset over things, we usually just say "don't worry, it's nothing" and never talk to the person again (or 'bottle' them "I was provoked milord"). The friend's flip-out sounds like a deliberate diversion tactic so she could act as the wronged party. On top off it she then bag shames the OP.

Milord, I refer you to SatC S6E9 when Carrie gets shoe shamed. She goes to a friend's party and gets told to take her Manolos off at the door...and they get stolen....ends up the friend shoe shames Carrie.



If OP's friend didn't want to pay so much for the repair she should have flicked her cigarette in the direction of a cheaper bag (IMHO).

 

[shesnochill]

I am late to this thread and I didn't bother reading everyone's comments but IMO if I was your friend who damaged your bag I would most definitely apologize first of all. No matter how f'ed up I am or drunk if I do something as simple as falling over on someone, I subconsciously apologize - but then again, that is just me and I can understand not everyone intoxicated can function the same. But secondly, the fact that she never bothered to apologize after that evening of damaging your purse.. would make me angry if I were in your shoes. I believe I should always be held responsible for any damages I cause, I expect the same from others? Maybe not a stranger, but a friend most certainly. And I am not a mother yet but when I do have children, I am already expecting to be apologizing and paying for whatever damages my kids cause. Lol

I used to have friends like your friend, one of them got me an illegal u-turn ticket and did not offer to help pay a penny of it. (She was the one who screamed at me to make the illegal u-turn. *There was no sign that said no u-turn btw*)

I am now friends with people who offer to help pay for half if not the whole parking ticket; if we happened to be going somewhere together and I parked my car there.

It's very important who we choose to be friends with.. in our inner circle especially. I'm learning this as I am getting older of course.

I wish you the best of luck in this situation and in your friendship with your girl friend! xx

 

[doni]

Personally, if I chose to bring a velvet bag to a party, one with drinks and cigarettes, I would never dream to ask that anyone pay for any damage the bag may sustain.
Least of all the person who invited me to the party in the first place.

That is not to say that in the place of your friend I would not offer to pay. Personally, I would have. But faced with that offer and in your place, I would have refused.