Did I do the right thing?

[bagfan200]

Hi everyone! Forgive me for possibly not having posted this in the right place, I’m new to this site!

An issue with a friend damaging my bag has been bugging me for a long time now and would love to get the opinions of those who understand how it feels/would feel to have a bag damaged in any way!

Last April I was out with a friend for her birthday, she was smoking on the way to a bar and she accidentally brushed her cigarette by me and a bit of the ash hit my Gucci Marmont VELVET bag. Immediately noticed there was a small hole through the material and it was burnt. One other friend was there and she confirmed it was damaged. The birthday girl said ‘i Wish the ground would swallow me up’ and that was it. On our train journey home she brought it up again and I said we’d discuss it another day, as I didn’t want to ruin her birthday. She mentioned she’d pay the dry cleaning costs. As time passed, I refrained from bringing it up, I didn’t want the confrontation and wanted to avoid arguments. I found out the repair costs would be £170. I decided to leave it be and try and get over it. I was a little hurt that my friend never brought it up again since that night nor followed up about paying the repair costs - even when we met and I was holding that bag. I don’t recall her ever even saying that she was feeling really sorry and sad about it. She never brought it up again. Many months later in October last year I decided to bring it up and say I want to get it repaired and I told her the cost. She completely flipped on me and said she was only expecting it to be £50, and she said she can’t afford the £170 (even though she is being selective here - she wastes a lot of money on random things and has always been terrible at spending). She reluctantly agreed to send me £50. However her tone was horrible and she then got progressively more angry at me and started to complain that I have extravagant taste and none of her other friends would have such an expensive bag and then finished by saying her and I are from completely different worlds. This was all on WhatsApp.
In the end I didn’t respond as I was so hurt by everything she said and I couldn’t see myself being able to forgive what she said and couldn’t imagine things being back to normal again after those words.

do you think I am right in not wanting to be her friend anymore and do you think her behaviour was unacceptable? Don’t get me wrong, my bag has other marks from my own damage and I can afford to get her damages fixed myself but it’s the principle of the whole thing which bugs me more!

we were friends for ten years which I think is why I keep thinking about it every now and then. I’m trying to get reassurance that I did the right thing in letting this friendship go. I don’t think I could get over how she reacted though!

 

[SakuraSakura]

Even though this was several months ago and it was accidental, this friend still damaged your property without even so much as offering an apology. I think her response is childish, choosing to rationalize it as a matter of your extravagant tastes being the issue. This isn't somebody you want to be around. Secondly, not trying to defend your friend but 170 european dollars is still a lot of money for people to spend and I don't think it is fair to make any assumptions on people's financial situations. She never offered to cover the repair in the first place either. Truthfully I'd get the bag repaired yourself and no longer be friends with that person.

 

[rutabaga]

I think she could've reacted better without the personal attacks against you. If she truly felt bad about damaging your bag, she could've offered to pay half or in installments or whatever, if she wanted to make things right.

IME just because you've been friends with someone for a long time doesn't mean they're good or true friends. Her reaction in this situation is telling, though. Just imagine if she had damaged something more expensive, like your car or home?

 

[Greenredapple]

I am sorry this incident happened to you. Instead of flipping at you and trying to point the blame towards you, she should have apologized and then admit that she can't perhaps afford to pay 170£ for the repair. I am sure you two could have agreed on some sort of payment plan, so I am baffled that she threw a childish tantrum over the cost. I am also wondering, if the class aspect (spending or lifestyle) was such a big problem to her, why bring it up during a tantrum and not during any other discussion?

It seems that your situation with your friend is still bothering you . I suggest that you try to talk to her again in a calm and rational way like you did the first time. Communicate your honest feelings about her behaviour and also about the situation. If she throws another tantrum, then perhaps it's best to seek a closure and then move on. Good luck!

 

[mocktail]

If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, stop being friends with her. That's ok!

It's not great that she tried to talk about it that night and you stopped her, but then you're mad she didn't bring it up again another day. She may have thought it wasn't a big deal to you since you stopped the conversation the night it happened.

Honestly, if a friend I loved damaged a bag of mine accidentally, I would not want them to pay for repairs or replacement. Stuff is just stuff and relationships with people you love are more important. If someone damaged a bag of mine on purpose, I would want them to pay for repairs, but accidental mistakes should be forgiven. Just my opinion, though!

 

[OogleAtLuxury]

Honestly, I'm kind of on your friend's side. It was an accident. Unless she was doing something obnoxious, I don't really see how you could expect her to shell out so much money to repair a bag.

Many months later in October last year I decided to bring it up and say I want to get it repaired and I told her the cost.

More so, why did you wait six months to bring this up? I'd be irritated too if my "friend" was holding a grudge against me for 6 months about an accident.

she said she can’t afford the £170 (even though she is being selective here - she wastes a lot of money on random things and has always been terrible at spending).

In the same way she shouldn't judge you for having "extravagant" things, you should not judge her for how she spends her money.

 

[leechiyong]

I think there's two sides to every story. I realize that as a friend, you expected her to bring it up, but she may have thought you were being kind and had just let it go after you stopped her. When you brought it up and she mentioned she was only expecting it to be £50 and didn't have it, did you bring up any of the random things she's purchased since or that she should have been better with her money? That would make most people defensive. I'm not trying to justify her behavior, but recognize there's probably room for improvement on both sides.

It really depends on the friendship though. If you two are mainly just go out to bars and party, then it's not worth it and I'd recommend not taking nice bags out with acquaintances. But if she's stood by you and or had your back at times, really think if this is more important than that.

 

[Emily1830]

Honestly, I'm kind of on your friend's side. It was an accident. Unless she was doing something obnoxious, I don't really see how you could expect her to shell out so much money to repair a bag.



More so, why did you wait six months to bring this up? I'd be irritated too if my "friend" was holding a grudge against me for 6 months about an accident.



In the same way she shouldn't judge you for having "extravagant" things, you should not judge her for how she spends her money.

+1. It’s terrible but you can’t expect her to pay for the repair. That’s a lot of money for an accident.

But I do think you have every right to not be her friend anymore.

 

[Greenredapple]

To be fair though, OP did not sweep the subject under the rug, the discussion was simply deferred for some better time. The friend did offer some compensation, only to forget later that she herself had offered to do so....

 

[mocktail]

The discussion was simply deferred for some better time.

OP deferred it, so I feel like ideally OP should have brought it up again instead of waiting silently for months. If a friend told me they didn't want to talk about something, I would not discuss it again until they brought it up. Because OP didn't bring it up again, I'd guess that the friend probably thought everything was fine and was shocked to be asked to pay for a repair months later.

It sounds like there's a lot of tension in this friendship making the situation fraught. Sounds frustrating for both parties

 

[bagfan200]

To be fair though, OP did not sweep the subject under the rug, the discussion was simply deferred for some better time. The friend did offer some compensation, only to forget later that she herself had offered to do so....

yes it was a case of me trying really hard to not be bothered by it and try and forget the whole thing. It was really difficult, holding the bag knowing it was damaged but also trying to realise the friendship is way more important. But what pushed me to ask her for the money is because the other friend who was there that night randomly brought it up one evening and was shocked that the friend who damaged my bag hadn’t done anything and highlighted it shouldn’t be me paying the whole bill. It hit me how long it had been and the friend hadn’t even bothered to bring it up and express how sorry she was. If she had really shown me she was sorry and felt bad I doubt I’d have pushed her for the money as truly feeling bad about it would have sufficed. I only delayed bringing it up because I was trying to forget it happened, but it was just too difficult in the end

 

[bagfan200]

To be fair though, OP did not sweep the subject under the rug, the discussion was simply deferred for some better time. The friend did offer some compensation, only to forget later that she herself had offered to do so....

OP deferred it, so I feel like ideally OP should have brought it up again instead of waiting silently for months. If a friend told me they didn't want to talk about something, I would not discuss it again until they brought it up. Because OP didn't bring it up again, I'd guess that the friend probably thought everything was fine and was shocked to be asked to pay for a repair months later.

It sounds like there's a lot of tension in this friendship making the situation fraught. Sounds frustrating for both parties

Mocktail I see what you mean, she may have thought I didn’t care that much I can understand your point of view and didn’t think of it that way. However I do think she could have followed up the next day and certainly shouldn’t have reacted so horribly to me asking for a contribution. Especially to bring up the fact that her friends don’t have bags as expensive as that - that was mean and not fair

 

[mocktail]

That was mean and not fair

Sounds like lots of hurt feelings and misunderstanding between both of you. That's really hard. I hope that you are able to get your bag repaired and let this situation go since it's caused you stress for months

 

[bagfan200]

Thank you so much and to everyone else too for the help today!

 

[LPR200]

I think there is more behind this than just the bag. I think this is probably not a good friendship for either of you--you both have criticisms of each other, for example-- for whatever reasons, and sometimes we need to move on from even long term friendships.
Don't collect money from her, repair your bag and move on. And if you really worry about your bags, maybe no velvet bags for a night of partying with people who smoke