Should I have him put xmas/birthday towards an E-ring?

[Jonesjona]

My boyfriend has been dragging his feet kind of when it comes to getting engaged.
He said we would once we bought a house, but that happened and still nothing.
Since the house finances are tight, because everything goes towards the house. So engagement took a backseat.

Since the holidays are around the corner, my bf asked what I wanted. My birthday is also a few days after so it’s usually combined.
I don’t know if he should just put that $600-700 towards an e-ring instead of getting my gifts. I really don’t need another pair of shoes or another bracelet or LV bag.
Just not sure how to bring this up.

 

[meluvs2shop]

If this is what you really want and it sounds like it is, I believe in talking about it. If he’s the ONE then you should feel comfortable in saying, I want to get engage. Like now. Soon. That way you can gauge where his head is at. Perhaps he’s already planning Christmas/bday engagement but wants to
throw you off to surprise you.

 

[Hurrem1001]

I’d be totally upfront with him, and say the only thing I want for Christmas and my birthday is an engagement ring.

 

[nycgirl79]

My boyfriend has been dragging his feet kind of when it comes to getting engaged.
He said we would once we bought a house, but that happened and still nothing.
Since the house finances are tight, because everything goes towards the house. So engagement took a backseat.

Since the holidays are around the corner, my bf asked what I wanted. My birthday is also a few days after so it’s usually combined.
I don’t know if he should just put that $600-700 towards an e-ring instead of getting my gifts. I really don’t need another pair of shoes or another bracelet or LV bag.
Just not sure how to bring this up.

I agree with the previous posters. If you’re serious about getting engaged, and this is the person you want to be with, you should be upfront and honest. The good thing is that this is a subject that’s already been broached, so you’re just bringing the topic back into circulation! I’d tell your bf what you said here - that you don’t need anymore bags/shoes/etc., and that you’d rather have him put the money towards the one gift you really want!

 

[NLVOEWITHLV]

IMO there is a fine line between the two of you discussing marriage and him thinking you’re nagging him about it. No man wants to feel pressured into an engagement, when a man is ready to ask you to marry him, he does. If all is going well between the two of you I would just live life, love each other, enjoy the ride, and allow an engagement to occur when the time is right.

 

[GoStanford]

It sounds like you're ready to take this next step. In my experience, it's actually harder to buy a house than it is to get married. Think about all that paperwork with the bank and the realtor compared to walking into City Hall and making it official. (OK, it takes a little more than that. In San Francisco, you have to make a marriage license reservation and may be able to get a ceremony reservation for the same day, plus you need a witness.) But I do have friends who have gone the City Hall route and then had a great party with family and friends when they were ready for a big celebration.

Anyway, regarding the $600-$700, if it puts you that much closer to an engagement ring, and if he is thinking along the same lines about getting engaged within the year, probably best to save up for that. And maybe he will propose with it this winter. I wonder if any of your relatives or his friends have behind-the-scenes info.

I had a co-worker who was sharing an apartment with her boyfriend, was waiting and really wondering when he'd propose. She had just about given up when he popped the question after they watched New Year's Eve celebrations on TV.

Keep in mind that you don't have to take any of this advice...what you are asking is a complex question, and there are details that only you'll know about.

 

[Jonesjona]

IMO there is a fine line between the two of you discussing marriage and him thinking you’re nagging him about it. No man wants to feel pressured into an engagement, when a man is ready to ask you to marry him, he does. If all is going well between the two of you I would just live life, love each other, enjoy the ride, and allow an engagement to occur when the time is right.

Those were my worries about it. I don’t want him to feel pressured, but knowing money is tight I would just like him to know it’s okay to not get me anything and put it towards the ring fund.
We have talked about engagement and he said it’s on the table after we buy the house, which we have.

 

[Jonesjona]

It sounds like you're ready to take this next step. In my experience, it's actually harder to buy a house than it is to get married. Think about all that paperwork with the bank and the realtor compared to walking into City Hall and making it official. (OK, it takes a little more than that. In San Francisco, you have to make a marriage license reservation and may be able to get a ceremony reservation for the same day, plus you need a witness.) But I do have friends who have gone the City Hall route and then had a great party with family and friends when they were ready for a big celebration.

Anyway, regarding the $600-$700, if it puts you that much closer to an engagement ring, and if he is thinking along the same lines about getting engaged within the year, probably best to save up for that. And maybe he will propose with it this winter. I wonder if any of your relatives or his friends have behind-the-scenes info.

I had a co-worker who was sharing an apartment with her boyfriend, was waiting and really wondering when he'd propose. She had just about given up when he popped the question after they watched New Year's Eve celebrations on TV.

Keep in mind that you don't have to take any of this advice...what you are asking is a complex question, and there are details that only you'll know about.

I totally agree, I think a 30 year mortgage commitment is way scarier than getting married haha.
We talked about marriage before, but I just don’t want to seem like I’m nagging him.
Our ring budget would be around 1500 so 600-700 is a big chunk to save. Why waste it on an xmas present?

 

[MagpieInTraining]

I totally agree, I think a 30 year mortgage commitment is way scarier than getting married haha.
We talked about marriage before, but I just don’t want to seem like I’m nagging him.
Our ring budget would be around 1500 so 600-700 is a big chunk to save. Why waste it on an xmas present?

If your boyfriend asked you what you would like for Christmas, let him know that you don’t want anything because you don’t see the point of a bracelet or bag, and you’d rather just spend time together and have him plan an inexpensive date night for the two of you.

Perhaps after the holidays - so he doesn’t feel pressured - you can ask him what he thinks is a good timeline for getting engaged and have that conversation with him.

 

[A1aGypsy]

Honestly, I think the whole idea of “don’t rock the boat or put pressure on him, let him do it when he is comfortable” is a bit out dated and a bit paternal.

Any relationship is a partnership. Because we expect the guy to do the asking, we put the timeline in his hands. Everyone should have control over their future and all the information necessary to make their own decisions. And both people in a partnership should have input into its construct.

Unfortunately, some people see things differently. Buying a house together isn’t necessarily a bigger commitment than marriage. And some people can never get there. I have had so many friends tiptoe around their partners waiting for an engagement. A few did it for many many years only to eventually find that he had no intention of proposing.

So, this is a long way of saying, if you cannot have a low key, no ultimatums or drama conversation that revolves around: “being married is important to me. We talked and I understood it was important to you as well. We agreed there were a few things we needed to get off the table first, including the house. But we are here now. I understand that engagement rings are expensive and I don’t want us to be under a financial burden because of one so I’m going to propose that you save any money that you would spend on Christmas and my birthday for a ring. But, in telling you that, I wanted to check in and make sure we are still on the same page and I want to talk time lines so I have an idea of how our future will look.” then I think you may have bigger issues.

 

[meluvs2shop]

Honestly, I think the whole idea of “don’t rock the boat or put pressure on him, let him do it when he is comfortable” is a bit out dated and a bit paternal.

Any relationship is a partnership. Because we expect the guy to do the asking, we put the timeline in his hands. Everyone should have control over their future and all the information necessary to make their own decisions. And both people in a partnership should have input into its construct.

Unfortunately, some people see things differently. Buying a house together isn’t necessarily a bigger commitment than marriage. And some people can never get there. I have had so many friends tiptoe around their partners waiting for an engagement. A few did it for many many years only to eventually find that he had no intention of proposing.

So, this is a long way of saying, if you cannot have a low key, no ultimatums or drama conversation that revolves around: “being married is important to me. We talked and I understood it was important to you as well. We agreed there were a few things we needed to get off the table first, including the house. But we are here now. I understand that engagement rings are expensive and I don’t want us to be under a financial burden because of one so I’m going to propose that you save any money that you would spend on Christmas and my birthday for a ring. But, in telling you that, I wanted to check in and make sure we are still on the same page and I want to talk time lines so I have an idea of how our future will look.” then I think you may have bigger issues.

This!

 

[efleon]

Honestly, I think the whole idea of “don’t rock the boat or put pressure on him, let him do it when he is comfortable” is a bit out dated and a bit paternal.

Any relationship is a partnership. Because we expect the guy to do the asking, we put the timeline in his hands. Everyone should have control over their future and all the information necessary to make their own decisions. And both people in a partnership should have input into its construct.

Unfortunately, some people see things differently. Buying a house together isn’t necessarily a bigger commitment than marriage. And some people can never get there. I have had so many friends tiptoe around their partners waiting for an engagement. A few did it for many many years only to eventually find that he had no intention of proposing.

So, this is a long way of saying, if you cannot have a low key, no ultimatums or drama conversation that revolves around: “being married is important to me. We talked and I understood it was important to you as well. We agreed there were a few things we needed to get off the table first, including the house. But we are here now. I understand that engagement rings are expensive and I don’t want us to be under a financial burden because of one so I’m going to propose that you save any money that you would spend on Christmas and my birthday for a ring. But, in telling you that, I wanted to check in and make sure we are still on the same page and I want to talk time lines so I have an idea of how our future will look.” then I think you may have bigger issues.

Excellent sage advice

 

[HauteMama]

I will say the same thing I said on another forum to this same post, and that is, if he wanted to be engaged he would have asked you. In that thread, you said that you last brought it up seven months ago and that he asked you to "drop it"; he's had plenty of time to get his ducks in a row. A man who wants to be married will work things out, and he already knows you are ready for engagement. He just doesn't want to be engaged/married right now.

 

[HauteMama]

And just in case anyone didn't believe they were the same poster:

"my boyfriend has been dragging his feet with getting engaged.

we spoke about it before, and he knows I have wanted to get engaged a while ago and whenever I mentioned a season he would say “maybe”. I dropped it 7 months ago when he said he didnt want me to ruin this for him or take it over.

well we even bought a house together and still nothing. Seems like the money is the issue, but I dont need anything extravagant either. He keeps saying house stuff is eating up money now.

With the holidays coming up, hes been asking me what I want. My birthday is 10 days from xmas. Instead of him spending $500-600 combined on both days, I would rather him put it towards a ring.

Not sure how to bring this up because I dont want him to get upset over me brining it up again. But honestly, I dont want another necklace, shoes, or purse. I want an Engagement Ring and I want to be engaged to the person im in a 30 year mortgage with."

 

[baghagg]

Just tell him "you know what I want."