Well, in my opinion, that young man could not really be accorded the title "boyfriend," rather he is a boy that she liked, but he didn't like her.
Understanding that distinction is, however, not as easy as it sounds, especially when one is fifteen.
Nor does his assertion that he has changed his mind and now has at least some degree of interest in her qualify him for the title of "good person."
I am assuming that he is around her age, in which case he is, like your daughter, still a child, and whether he will grow up to be a good person or not is a question that would require the services of a working crystal ball, and mine is broken.
It sounds like your daughter is doing very well for herself, making good grades, with plenty of those "extra-curricular" activities to keep her busy and embellish her college applications, when that day comes, and to you it will seem like it comes next week.
Before I say anything else, I should make it clear that I am not a parent, which means that I am eminently qualified to offer advice on how to raise children.
So what should you do?
If you "forbid" her to see him, you will activate a particular hormone that will cause her to immediately become Juliet, and do all kinds of things that she would never do otherwise, and are the exact opposite of what any mother, especially one with a good memory of her own youth, would want her to do.
No doubt you have laid down some sort of ground rules for dating, whether that be a requirement of at least one other couple, weekends only, home by 2, whatever, and I am going to assume that these rules are ones that she generally accepts and abides by.
So that is the tool you have. Just use it. I know that it will be extremely painful for you to stand by and watch what will in all probability be an extremely painful situation for her, too, but if she has not, in the intervening time since she last incorrectly considered him her "boyfriend," become interested in another boy, or simply ceased to be interested in him, then it is something that is going to have to just play itself out, and it is up to you, her mother, to determine just how nasty it will be.
If the issue of his drinking is an established fact, then that might be a good justification for adding a provision or two to the dating rules, applicable not only to him, but to anyone, boy or girl, who has a history of this behavior. For example, you might stipulate that someone else must drive at all times.
And you might start doing things like calling the parents of the kid who is having the party just to confirm that they will be there for the entire time the kids are, and they will be providing supervision, and that they are on the same page that you are on the issue of underage drinking.
One of the most effective strategies for combating that particular peril (unless it would be incompatible with your interpretation of your faith tradition) is to begin having a glass of red wine with dinner - both of you.
In some cultures, it is not at all uncommon for the entire family to have wine with meals, and this practice sort of removes the allure and forbidden nature of alcohol.
Another thing that I would suggest - and please understand that I am offering practical damage-minimization, "reality-based" advice, is to make sure that she is using effective contraception. This is not at all contrary to chastity or abstinence. Taking birth control pills does not equal having sex. Even the most chaste and committed virgins can take birth control pills and still remain just as virginal and just as chaste. All the pills do is minimize the risks should that chaste and virginal girl make just one "mistake."
And I would also suggest that you make sure that she is informed not only about contraception, but about sexually transmitted diseases, with great emphasis on that popular saying about when you sleep with one person, you sleep with everyone they slept with. And condoms.
I understand that this sort of thing may be hard for some mothers to hear, and I hope that you, and others who read this, will understand that I do not intend to offend or be insensitive to anyone's beliefs. Sperm and disease organisms, however, are notoriously insensitive to everyone's beliefs.
Thus, you use the tools that you have, and you give her the tools that you can give her, and in all probability, her interest in this boy will wane of its own accord.
It is more than possible that much of his appeal has been his unavailability. That tends to be a big attraction when we are teenagers.
According to the ologists, it is a natural phase of emotional development, just a variation of the extreme and intense infatuations that we tend to have at that age, and even younger, for celebrities! Precisely because they are unattainable, they are a "safe" way that we can try out all those burgeoning new kinds of feelings and instincts. (Sadly, for some of us, that particular phenomenon can linger on. We have all had adult friends who always seem to be falling madly in love with men who are gay, or happily and faithfully married, etc).
But do not start worrying about her adulthood yet. Right now all you have to do is try to minimize the impact of what has the potential to be her Very First Bad Boyfriend, an experience from which we can all hope she will emerge armed with the knowledge that Bad Boyfriends are not fun, and having one is firmly inscribed high up on the Do Not Repeat list.
You might also, just as a contingency plan, begin to consider whether the possibility of having her visit friends or relatives who live more than a few hours away. A change of scene may be a cliche, but it can be a very effective treatment should the situation get Really Bad, and learning how to travel and make grown-up visits and be a good houseguest is an important part of our social education.
To mercifully sum up: Use your tools, give her tools, resist the urge to forbid and remove the allure of the forbidden, comfort her when she cries, remain non-commital when she sings his praises, change the conversation to you singing hers. Close your eyes and remember when you were fifteen, and marvel at the ways in which she is like you, and the ways in which she is different from you. Focus on, enjoy, and revel in, the life she has apart from this boy, and stealthily encourage her to do the same.
To really really sum up: Love her.
Why don't you hear what this young man has to say? It takes a lot for a person to say sorry and I think he deserves to be heard. Life isn't one strike and you're out. I'm sure there will come a day when your daughter has to apologize for something, (haven't we all?) and wouldn't it be terrible for her to not be heard? I totally understand you not wanting to see her hurt but the fact of the matter is, as life would have it she will be, she has to be because without knowing the feeling of heartbreak and sadness she will not know the feeling of true joy and love. A person who has never apologized for anything will not know how to accept an apology. It is as important for your daughter to hear this young man's apology as it is for him to give it. Please, I'm not suggesting for one moment to let him do whatever the heck he likes, but I think there is a valuable life lesson here and it would be a shame to "waste" it. Good luck.
