I need advice please

  1. My daughter is 15, she had a Boyfriend who she said she loved(?)He treated her poorly.........He would not come visit her, everytime he would invite her over he would later come up with an excuse that she couldn't go see him, I seen him holding hands with another girl but had an awful excuse for that, She played Volleyball,basketball,and was a cheerleader this yr. and not once did he go see her(they do go to the same school) He was involved in a accident, she was going to make the 2 hr. trip to visit him in the hospital, after he was life flighted out of town , the next day she talked to him an the phone and said "I don't want you to come." When his mom was around he could not even say hi to her, he just ignored her. She always seemed to cry because of him. She makes All A on her report card, so then she was doing his homework so he could pass his classes. He also Drinks. I can go on but you get the picture.....So she seen the light and Broke up with him......Now a few months later he wants to tell me he is sorry, and he wants to get back together with her.
    I told my daughter NO!!! Are you Crazy?? Now she is crying because she wants to be with him and I said no.
    She said he is a good person now....what? I am not trying to make her cry, I don't want to see her cry anymore because of him....Am I just being mean? What would you do? I am being to Nosey? Please Help
  2. He sounds like a jerk and your daughter is better off without him. But kids will be kids and they seem to think they know better. I would not encourage her to have contact with him and remind her of how he treated her. She is young and does not see life the way we do. That is the hardest thing about being a parent is watching our kids make mistakes, wishing they might know better and trying so hard to help them. I wish you the best. I don't know how you can stop her from seeing him. She sounds like she has her life together and I would hope that some of her friends are smart enough to talk her out of seeing this boy.
  3. I am 5 years older than your daughter so I can see what would happen if you told her she can't see the boy. I know as a parent it must be hard to have all this experience and wanting to save your children from mistakes, but unfortunately at this age your daughter will do as she wants. If you ban her from seeing the guy she will most likely rebel against you (not just to see the guy but for sole rebellion reasons too). It's terrible, but sometimes you have to let your kids make the mistakes and learn from them because at that age they will never listen/believe you. All you can do is give your 2c and let her decide from there. And if it does blow up be there to comfort her (no "I told you so's" because she'll know it then!). You are a good mom and obviously very caring. I'd rather have a nosy mother than one who has no interest in my life.
  4. I have no kids of my own, but this is what my parents did in a similar situation.. they let me get back with him even if they were not particularly pleased with the idea, but kept reminding me of all the awful things that had happened before and giving me advice on how to handle certain situations. They also had my back every time the jerk in him would return. Eventually, I realised for myself that's not what I wanted. I'm so grateful they let me figure it out AND being there for me at the same time, because I believe this is why now I know what is acceptable in a loving relationship for me. Best of luck and big hug to both of you. I totally know how your daughter must feel.
  5. She told me that she will listen to me and if I don't want her with him then she won't be. She will just be unhappy, I told her there are other boys not just him. She then said all of her friends have boyfriends and she feels left out when she is around all of them......I think she is just trying to find someone and will settle for him because there is no one right now who interest her or is interested in her. I told her this and she said I was wrong.

    Thanks guys you are all great!!!!
  6. It would be great if she could find a girl's social group where she could get advice (to stay away from him) from girls her age. If that is not possible I would ask her to stay away from him for at least 6 months and see if he gets his act together (we know he won't). In 6 months she will have moved on.
  7. When it comes to stuff like love and relationships, people never listen to other's advice even when they ask for it. They'll go with what their hearts tell them and find out for themselves later on whether they were right or wrong. I guess that's just part of growing up. :smile:
  8. I feel bad for your daughter! You should help her remember what makes this guy bad and help her plan her future. She sounds like an excellent student with good grades and active in school, etc. and she should be excited by her future! I know she is young and wants to fit in with the other girls who have BF's, but that is temporary. Perhaps if she focuses on her future, she won't feel too left out (that's what I did because I never dated in high school and it did hurt then, but when I look back, my life turned out to be pretty good.)
  9. i was in a similar situation when i was younger. the guy turned out to be a total jerk and ruined my last year at secondary school (age 16). it might hurt you to see her in such a bad relationship but we all need to learn from our own mistakes. plus it seems like shes a good student and has lots of extracuricular stuff going on so theres not much time for her to spend with him.
  10. Well, in my opinion, that young man could not really be accorded the title "boyfriend," rather he is a boy that she liked, but he didn't like her.

    Understanding that distinction is, however, not as easy as it sounds, especially when one is fifteen.

    Nor does his assertion that he has changed his mind and now has at least some degree of interest in her qualify him for the title of "good person."

    I am assuming that he is around her age, in which case he is, like your daughter, still a child, and whether he will grow up to be a good person or not is a question that would require the services of a working crystal ball, and mine is broken.

    It sounds like your daughter is doing very well for herself, making good grades, with plenty of those "extra-curricular" activities to keep her busy and embellish her college applications, when that day comes, and to you it will seem like it comes next week.

    Before I say anything else, I should make it clear that I am not a parent, which means that I am eminently qualified to offer advice on how to raise children.

    So what should you do?

    If you "forbid" her to see him, you will activate a particular hormone that will cause her to immediately become Juliet, and do all kinds of things that she would never do otherwise, and are the exact opposite of what any mother, especially one with a good memory of her own youth, would want her to do.

    No doubt you have laid down some sort of ground rules for dating, whether that be a requirement of at least one other couple, weekends only, home by 2, whatever, and I am going to assume that these rules are ones that she generally accepts and abides by.

    So that is the tool you have. Just use it. I know that it will be extremely painful for you to stand by and watch what will in all probability be an extremely painful situation for her, too, but if she has not, in the intervening time since she last incorrectly considered him her "boyfriend," become interested in another boy, or simply ceased to be interested in him, then it is something that is going to have to just play itself out, and it is up to you, her mother, to determine just how nasty it will be.

    If the issue of his drinking is an established fact, then that might be a good justification for adding a provision or two to the dating rules, applicable not only to him, but to anyone, boy or girl, who has a history of this behavior. For example, you might stipulate that someone else must drive at all times.

    And you might start doing things like calling the parents of the kid who is having the party just to confirm that they will be there for the entire time the kids are, and they will be providing supervision, and that they are on the same page that you are on the issue of underage drinking.

    One of the most effective strategies for combating that particular peril (unless it would be incompatible with your interpretation of your faith tradition) is to begin having a glass of red wine with dinner - both of you.

    In some cultures, it is not at all uncommon for the entire family to have wine with meals, and this practice sort of removes the allure and forbidden nature of alcohol.

    Another thing that I would suggest - and please understand that I am offering practical damage-minimization, "reality-based" advice, is to make sure that she is using effective contraception. This is not at all contrary to chastity or abstinence. Taking birth control pills does not equal having sex. Even the most chaste and committed virgins can take birth control pills and still remain just as virginal and just as chaste. All the pills do is minimize the risks should that chaste and virginal girl make just one "mistake."

    And I would also suggest that you make sure that she is informed not only about contraception, but about sexually transmitted diseases, with great emphasis on that popular saying about when you sleep with one person, you sleep with everyone they slept with. And condoms.

    I understand that this sort of thing may be hard for some mothers to hear, and I hope that you, and others who read this, will understand that I do not intend to offend or be insensitive to anyone's beliefs. Sperm and disease organisms, however, are notoriously insensitive to everyone's beliefs.

    Thus, you use the tools that you have, and you give her the tools that you can give her, and in all probability, her interest in this boy will wane of its own accord.

    It is more than possible that much of his appeal has been his unavailability. That tends to be a big attraction when we are teenagers.

    According to the ologists, it is a natural phase of emotional development, just a variation of the extreme and intense infatuations that we tend to have at that age, and even younger, for celebrities! Precisely because they are unattainable, they are a "safe" way that we can try out all those burgeoning new kinds of feelings and instincts. (Sadly, for some of us, that particular phenomenon can linger on. We have all had adult friends who always seem to be falling madly in love with men who are gay, or happily and faithfully married, etc).

    But do not start worrying about her adulthood yet. Right now all you have to do is try to minimize the impact of what has the potential to be her Very First Bad Boyfriend, an experience from which we can all hope she will emerge armed with the knowledge that Bad Boyfriends are not fun, and having one is firmly inscribed high up on the Do Not Repeat list.

    You might also, just as a contingency plan, begin to consider whether the possibility of having her visit friends or relatives who live more than a few hours away. A change of scene may be a cliche, but it can be a very effective treatment should the situation get Really Bad, and learning how to travel and make grown-up visits and be a good houseguest is an important part of our social education.

    To mercifully sum up: Use your tools, give her tools, resist the urge to forbid and remove the allure of the forbidden, comfort her when she cries, remain non-commital when she sings his praises, change the conversation to you singing hers. Close your eyes and remember when you were fifteen, and marvel at the ways in which she is like you, and the ways in which she is different from you. Focus on, enjoy, and revel in, the life she has apart from this boy, and stealthily encourage her to do the same.

    To really really sum up: Love her. :heart:

  11. Now, please don't throw rocks at me.;) Why don't you hear what this young man has to say? It takes a lot for a person to say sorry and I think he deserves to be heard. Life isn't one strike and you're out. I'm sure there will come a day when your daughter has to apologize for something, (haven't we all?) and wouldn't it be terrible for her to not be heard? I totally understand you not wanting to see her hurt but the fact of the matter is, as life would have it she will be, she has to be because without knowing the feeling of heartbreak and sadness she will not know the feeling of true joy and love. A person who has never apologized for anything will not know how to accept an apology. It is as important for your daughter to hear this young man's apology as it is for him to give it. Please, I'm not suggesting for one moment to let him do whatever the heck he likes, but I think there is a valuable life lesson here and it would be a shame to "waste" it. Good luck.
  12. I'm from the camp that people can change when they want to. I've changed a lot when it comes to relationships, and I've learned a good deal. So there is the possibility that he might have changed. People deserve second chances. I'm sure there are times where you've f-ed up in life. Wouldn't like a second chance to prove yourself?? On the other hand....some people never change. Ideally she could say "ok, prove it" and see what happens, all the while not involving her heart until she's satisfied that his spots have formed into shining armor. I doubt that can happen, but she can give it a shot. Have him prove he's worthy. If he's still a douche, drop him and be done. Like I said, I believe in second chances, not 3 or 4.
    Now, for you...all you can really do is give advice, and let her go. This is her growing up and learning. She'll never learn unless you let her make mistakes. It's hard, but that's part of parenting. Recently, my 11 year old was telling me the perils of his dating life (Ugh...11?? Crazy!!). He was seeing this girl for about 9 months. Around the beginning of the year he heard rumors that she was talking to another boy. He said he asked her but she denied the claims stating that she was just talking to him about RuneScape (a video game). About a month later he told me that she broke up cause he wouldn't trade professions that they picked during an assignment in class. I tell him it sounded to me like she was looking for a reason to break things off. Later he tells me she's seeing the boy that was previously mentioned. To me, that sounds about right. He says he doesn't care cause she was too controlling and got mad when he'd talk to other girls (to which I'd say was uncalled for in past convos...yet he still saw her). FF a month and he tells me that he's wanting to get back with her. Evidently the boy she broke up with him for, broke up with her. Of course I told him to tell her to hit the road, and he got upset about it. I had to break it down for him (she likes someone else, breaks up with you, goes to that boy, he breaks up with her, now she's crawling back to you), but in the end I told him to do what he wanted. I told him I'd never tell him he couldn't date someone. In the end, I think he saw that she was playing him and now he's dating someone else. My point...what was my point?? Oh, all you can do is provide them with insight and advice, then let them execute that. Hopefully they'll do the right thing the first time around, most of the time they won't.
    Good luck!
  13. ITA, live and learn. I've been through the same thing when I was 15, and my parents just let me be, even though I got my heart crushed, I learned a lot from it!
  14. O.K guys this is what I came up with........
    My daughter and this boy are both 15,and I remember when I was this age it wasn't very pretty!!! This is why I want to protect her.......because I know what can happen. I fully understand the whole thing about how she will rebel and do it any way because she cares for him, and I sure don't want this to put a strain an my relationship with my daughter because we are so close. This is what we both came up with .........Please tell me if I'm wrong!!!
    First I told her, I loved her, she is very smart,very active in school with activities and clubs, volunteering and so on....,If you know in your heart that this boy has seriously changed and that he is worth another chance I need you to understand what I am asking as a parent. You are allowed to see him at school, and at our home (every once in while.) Your grades can not fall. You will still be involved in school activities. He cannot come to the house and ask for you to go anywhere with him because of the drinking, until I feel comfortable that he won't put you in danger. I do want to point out that he is not a kid that is always drunk, just a kid that I know does drink and his parents do let him drive even though he is not of age and I don't want him to combine the drinking and driving around my daughter. I told her I wanted her to explain to him all the hurtful things that he did in the past so that he knows where my feelings are coming from. She is not allowed to go to his home, until I know he is trying to do good. She told me she feels the need to help him, school doesn't come easy to him like it does her and she wants to help him be a better person in school and out. She also said With a Big smile how much she loved me and she kept thanking me for letting her be with him, and she understands and respects everything that I'm asking of her. She now has a huge happy smile.........I'm praying this all works out, and if it doesn't... mistakes at a young age will help her in the future .:shrugs:
  15. actually I think you handled that really great. my experiences go back to being a teenager (my baby is nowhere near this age... haha) myself, and I can only say that sometimes the emotional outburts of my mother and the lack of explanations led me to rebellion. in some instances I have to admit saying 'no' only led me to do it especially, while saying 'yes' might have prevented that anyway. I think what would help is if you do say that you would prefer otherwise but since she believes it is the right thing... she may come round quite quickly. oh, and help her to let it go, not that she holds on to it, just bec you said it was ok (i have done that as well, and might have otherwise saved myself 2 years of agony. but i was older).

    I reckon what Charles said is sort of what I am trying to get at....