Care to share your opinions?

DnMWybiral

DnMWybiral

Member
Dec 26, 2006
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#1
My sister's DH and my DH hate each other. I'm not to fond of her DH myself, but she and I don't get to be very close anymore because of it, and it is starting to make me very sad.

They got along fine until my hubby started to voice his opinion about the way her husband treated her. It's not like he treats her very badly or anything, but I see what my husband means when he thinks her DH doesn't know much about her interests or likes. Long story short, my DH made some comments to the effect that he didn't think they would have a very happy marriage if he didn't start taking an interest in her hobbies and desires and such. It pretty much started a feud, and now they won't be around each other. I don't mind leaving hubby at home to go see her, but she is almost never without him, and I therefore am very uncomfortable when I visit them. It's been so long since we have got to hang out and be sisterly that I am starting to get quite sad about it. I want to talk to her about it, but I don't know any way to politely say "I don't like your husband".

What should I do? I miss her.
 
#2
If your sister's husband is not abusing your sister, why does your husband feel the need to constantly mention that her husband is not familiar with her interests? That's not really any of his business. I hate to see you and your sister miss out on a relationship over that. I'm sure she already knows you don't like her husband, so I don't understand the need to re-iterate the point?
 
#3
bchleo said:
If your sister's husband is not abusing your sister, why does your husband feel the need to constantly mention that her husband is not familiar with her interests? That's not really any of his business. I hate to see you and your sister miss out on a relationship over that. I'm sure she already knows you don't like her husband, so I don't understand the need to re-iterate the point?
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See that's just it...my husband (while I agree he shouldn't have said anything in the first place), only mentioned it once, because he thought he was being helpful. It only took that one time, though, to make her husband blow up. He sent my hubby a hateful email, telling him to mind his business and he said some unkind things about me, which made my husband decide not to speak to him anymore. I'm sure my sister does know that I don't like her husband, but she still insists that he be there when we visit, and I want her to understand that that makes me uncomfortable.
 
#4
I know that he makes you uncomfortable, but would you rather miss out on a relationship with your sister? There are family gatherings three times a year in my family, and my aunt makes me really uncomfortable. I am so scared of her that when I was younger, I would pee on myself when she touched me (there's a very long story with this, but I'm trying to keep this short/sweet). I go every time because I love my grandmother I know how much it means to her to have us all there.

I might be wrong, but I have a feeling that you are not going to change your sister's mind about having him around while you visit. If he was not physically abusive or otherwise threatening to your safety, I would bear his company.

I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear that.
 
#5
What if you and your sister set at least one day a month just for you two. Where you both can grab lunch or dinner and watch a movie or go shopping. I am pretty sure she misses you too. I hope it all works out.
 
#6
No, it's alright. I do bear his company, but I'm just afraid I will always have to. I really don't even mind it occassionally, but I just wonder if I will ever get to have the relationship with her that I used to, if we never get to be close because of him being there. She used to be my best friend, we shared everything until we both entered into relationships. Now I am closer to my sister-in-law even though we hardly have anything in common. It is very sad. I want to do something to mend our husbands' relationship, but I feel it is all out of my hands.

We had always planned to be each other's maid-of-honor at our weddings, but he talked her into making my mother hers instead, and I was just the hostess. It hurt.


(I think the fact that I have the flu and PMS is making this all seem worse right now lol. Sorry if I am depressing you)
 
#7
I'm so sorry that you missed out on being the maid of honor on your sister's special day. That would have hurt me a lot, as well.

I second handbag_lvr's suggestion. Why don't you ask her if you can go on some sister bonding excursions, like shopping, etc., with just the two of you. Tell her that you miss the closeness the both of you shared, and time alone will help draw you guys back together. I'm sure if you are feeling the distance, she is to!
 
#9
This is my opinion...I don't care if its the mother, sister, aunt, best friend, etc., DO NOT butt into other peoples relationships. One way or another, it will bite you in the behind. If it works out, you have to deal with the person you don't like. If it doesn't work out, then they get back together, how are you going to feel with the bad things that were said?

I don't think the hubby should stop you and your sis from getting together though. Maybe go to a spa day together...a lot of places are just for women, so you could get mani/pedis together and massages, facials, etc.
 
#10
DnMWybiral said:
P.S. bchleo, your little boy is adorable!
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Thanks! :love:

spendingmore made a good point. If you try to make the point about her husband, she will automatically go on the defensive. Instead, you should emphasize the need for a rekindling of your relationship, and try to leave any points about him out of it.
 
#12
franniegurl3092 said:
What I would do is to sit down with your sister and her husband and express your feelings that you really want to work things out between you and her husband. Good Luck!
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In my experience saying "let's sit down and work it all out by expressing our feelings" is not so good. The reason is this: when there are such problems in families many people don't acknowledge it, and mentioning it in the open makes some parties angry.

If you do sit down and express your feelings it's more than likely that your brother-in-law will round on your sister and say "Isn't it true that I told you she didn't like me?" and force your sister to make even more choices.

Sometimes we can't have the relationship with people we love that we want. People make their own choices and move away or seek different companionship. It's better that you let your sister know that you are there for her in a gentle and non-intrusive way, and then let her make her own choices about how and when to keep company with you.
 
#13
Well, I just got a reply from my sister. She told me alot about how she has been lately, and that her being busy has prevented alot of visitation time. I think maybe she has a tough time telling her husband that she wants "girl time" with me and her friends...

Another thing she said was that they are having a bit of tension because they want to have a baby but it is not happening as soon as they had hoped. I wonder if he is not worried she will vent to me about their relationship and make him feel bad. It was very nice to talk to her though, so I definitely feel it is worth it to keep trying.
 
#14
This is my opinion....my husband's brother said to my face that we should have aborted our handicapped son...said it like there was nothing wrong with it, my husband spoke to him after and said his peace, and we LET IT PASS, because family is family and you have to swallow their idiocy and like behavior sometimes to keep the peace. So in private you and your husband can say whatever you want about your sister's DH but if he is not abusing her in anyway and you want a relaionship with her you all (your husband/her husband) have to apologize or whatever it takes to get things back to a normal relationship. (I know it seems easier said than done but in the long run it is better this way...believe me I don't love kissing my brother in law hello and sitting across from a table with him knowing how he feels about my child but for my husband and his mother's sake....I smile and bite my tounge.)
 
#15
Most families have lots of problems about who said what to whom, but because of family, sometimes, as Kimmi said you just have to bite your tongue and smile politely. If your husband took the first action that caused your relationship to disrupt then maybe he should apologise to your brother in law. From what you said it seems that anyway your DH was making comments about what wasn't his business. This is just if you want closer family relationships with you brother-in-law - - else of course everyone can stew in their own separate corners and you and your sister can meet up occasionally.
 
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