Favorite SNL Sketches of All Time
- Thread starter caitlin1214
- Start date
I love these sketches too. I'm in Lexington at least once a week, my boyfriend went to Lexington High, and i LOVE the Burlington mall. I love familar places mentioned on national TV
Gap Girls:
Lucy: My name's Lucy Brawn, I work at the Gap store 214. I'm from Sunnyvale, California, my favorite band is Green Day! Yeah!!
Debbie Luciano: Okay, that sounds good. By the way - nice facial hair, you look like Tom Selleck.
Lucy: [offended laughter] Yeah, well.. you.. look like his friend who.. used to be in the helicopter..
Cindy: Uhhh.. it is true - I omce worked at the.. Ca-rap! But, uh.. I now work at Jitters - it's a coffee shop - and they call it Jitters, 'cause that's what you do after you drink there! [laughs at herself]
Kristy: Really? Do you also have dinner at a place called Get Sweaty? 'Cause that's what you do after you eat! [laughs back]
Cindy: You are!
Kristy: [confused] What?
Lucy: [grabs handful of fries] God, I love these fries!
Boss: [laughing] If you love' em so much, why don't you marry 'em! [eats some fries] Can I have some?
Lucy: Um.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..
Boss: [munches away] These are good!
Kristy: Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?
Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?
Boss: [grabs Lucy's collar] Lay off, man, I'm STARVING! [pause] Diet starts Monday!
Missy: Well, what about when you reminded him that he owes you $600, and he punched you in the neck?
Kristy: Well, he's just really sensitive - he's a Cancer.
Lucy: My name's Lucy Brawn, I work at the Gap store 214. I'm from Sunnyvale, California, my favorite band is Green Day! Yeah!!
Debbie Luciano: Okay, that sounds good. By the way - nice facial hair, you look like Tom Selleck.
Lucy: [offended laughter] Yeah, well.. you.. look like his friend who.. used to be in the helicopter..
Cindy: Uhhh.. it is true - I omce worked at the.. Ca-rap! But, uh.. I now work at Jitters - it's a coffee shop - and they call it Jitters, 'cause that's what you do after you drink there! [laughs at herself]
Kristy: Really? Do you also have dinner at a place called Get Sweaty? 'Cause that's what you do after you eat! [laughs back]
Cindy: You are!
Kristy: [confused] What?
Lucy: [grabs handful of fries] God, I love these fries!
Boss: [laughing] If you love' em so much, why don't you marry 'em! [eats some fries] Can I have some?
Lucy: Um.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..
Boss: [munches away] These are good!
Kristy: Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?
Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?
Boss: [grabs Lucy's collar] Lay off, man, I'm STARVING! [pause] Diet starts Monday!
Missy: Well, what about when you reminded him that he owes you $600, and he punched you in the neck?
Kristy: Well, he's just really sensitive - he's a Cancer.
Matt Foley:
Matt Foley: [runs up the stairs, bouncing back and forth as he talks] Alright, how's everybody? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your father probably told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a Motivational Speaker! Now, let's get started by me giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about! First off, I am 35 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the world by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to Jack Squat!!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a van down by the river! Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Brian: [nervous] I.. actually, Matt.. I kinda wanna be a writer..
Matt Foley: We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin'-da! We've got ourselves a writer here! [jumps across the room] Hey, Dad, I can't see real good.. [lifts his glasses off and on his face] ..is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Dad: Well, actually, Matt.. Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.
Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [stumbles back across the room] Now, I wonder.. Brian, from what I've heard, you're using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You're gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you're living in a van down by the river!
Matt Foley: [turns to Stacy] Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?!
Stacy: [sarcastic] I want to live in a van down by the river.
Matt Foley: Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when you're.. [tries to be clever] ..living in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably asking yourself, "Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!" Well, as I see it, there is only one solution! And that is for me to get my gear, move it on into here, 'cause I'm gonna bunk with you, buddy! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! [picks Brian up] We're gonna wrassle around! [puts Brian down] Ol' Matt's gonna be your shadow! [motions] Here's Matt, here's you! There's Matt, there's you! [trips and falls flat on the coffee table, sending it crashing to the floor] Whoops-a-daisy! [stands up] We're gonna have to clean that up later! Me and my buddies! My pals! My amigos! I'm gonna go get my gear! [heads for the door]
Matt Foley: [runs up the stairs, bouncing back and forth as he talks] Alright, how's everybody? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your father probably told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a Motivational Speaker! Now, let's get started by me giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about! First off, I am 35 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the world by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to Jack Squat!!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a van down by the river! Now, young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Brian: [nervous] I.. actually, Matt.. I kinda wanna be a writer..
Matt Foley: We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin'-da! We've got ourselves a writer here! [jumps across the room] Hey, Dad, I can't see real good.. [lifts his glasses off and on his face] ..is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Dad: Well, actually, Matt.. Ellen and I have encouraged Brian in his writing.
Matt Foley: Dad, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [stumbles back across the room] Now, I wonder.. Brian, from what I've heard, you're using your paper, not for writing, but for rolling doobies!! You're gonna be doing a lot of doobie-rolling when you're living in a van down by the river!
Matt Foley: [turns to Stacy] Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?!
Stacy: [sarcastic] I want to live in a van down by the river.
Matt Foley: Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when you're.. [tries to be clever] ..living in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably asking yourself, "Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!" Well, as I see it, there is only one solution! And that is for me to get my gear, move it on into here, 'cause I'm gonna bunk with you, buddy! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! [picks Brian up] We're gonna wrassle around! [puts Brian down] Ol' Matt's gonna be your shadow! [motions] Here's Matt, here's you! There's Matt, there's you! [trips and falls flat on the coffee table, sending it crashing to the floor] Whoops-a-daisy! [stands up] We're gonna have to clean that up later! Me and my buddies! My pals! My amigos! I'm gonna go get my gear! [heads for the door]
This is a funny bit from one of the Weekend Updates:
Bennett Brauer: How are ya'? That's right, Bennett Vrauer, back with another commentary. Thought you'd seen the last of old Bennett, perhaps? Thought the network bigwigs would have sent Bennett and his negative.. [makes quotes signs with his fingers, as he does before every quotationed remark] .."Q rating" on a slow boat there ?? Well.. maybe I don't.. "look the part".. uh.. I'm not.. "svelte".. I don't.. "look comfortable on camera".. I'm not.. "sobby". I don't.. "understand what's going on in the news." I'm not.. "likeable".. I don't.. "get along with people".. uh.. when I go to work, I don't.. "make eye contact".. I guess I.. don't.. "fit the mold". I.. don't.. "wear the latest clothes".. ir, even ones that don't.. "reek"! Uhh.. I don't.. "change my underwear".. uh.. I'm not "buff".. uh.. I don't have.. "firm breasts".. uh.. I don't.. "exercise". And when I do sweat, I don't.. "shower". I'm not.. "spic-and-span".. I don't.. "clean the area between my crotch and legs". But, for the time being, I guess the network.. "enforcers".. are opting for my reproach, until Joe Consumer tells thems he'd rather get his two cents from commentators who don't.. "make babies cry".. and don't.. "drink maple syrup straight from the bottle".. and don't.. [as he makes the quotes sign with his fingers, wires pull him in the air to create the illusion that he's made the gesture enough times to make him airborne] .."leave old, dried-up deodorant cakes under their arm for weeks at a time".. and, uh.. I'm flying. I'm flying! I'm flying! [the wires get caught in the lights atop the Update set, as Chris Farley hangs little more than three feet above the floor] Holy Schnikes!
Bennett Brauer: How are ya'? That's right, Bennett Vrauer, back with another commentary. Thought you'd seen the last of old Bennett, perhaps? Thought the network bigwigs would have sent Bennett and his negative.. [makes quotes signs with his fingers, as he does before every quotationed remark] .."Q rating" on a slow boat there ?? Well.. maybe I don't.. "look the part".. uh.. I'm not.. "svelte".. I don't.. "look comfortable on camera".. I'm not.. "sobby". I don't.. "understand what's going on in the news." I'm not.. "likeable".. I don't.. "get along with people".. uh.. when I go to work, I don't.. "make eye contact".. I guess I.. don't.. "fit the mold". I.. don't.. "wear the latest clothes".. ir, even ones that don't.. "reek"! Uhh.. I don't.. "change my underwear".. uh.. I'm not "buff".. uh.. I don't have.. "firm breasts".. uh.. I don't.. "exercise". And when I do sweat, I don't.. "shower". I'm not.. "spic-and-span".. I don't.. "clean the area between my crotch and legs". But, for the time being, I guess the network.. "enforcers".. are opting for my reproach, until Joe Consumer tells thems he'd rather get his two cents from commentators who don't.. "make babies cry".. and don't.. "drink maple syrup straight from the bottle".. and don't.. [as he makes the quotes sign with his fingers, wires pull him in the air to create the illusion that he's made the gesture enough times to make him airborne] .."leave old, dried-up deodorant cakes under their arm for weeks at a time".. and, uh.. I'm flying. I'm flying! I'm flying! [the wires get caught in the lights atop the Update set, as Chris Farley hangs little more than three feet above the floor] Holy Schnikes!
The one where Christine Baranski was a host.
A.M. Ale:
Jingle:
"Dawn's the time when you wake, to the challenge of a brand new day
You're on your own when breakfast calls, you're tired of the same old way.
A.M. Ale!
When you need a friend, you don't ask questions,
never bother with how or why.
I need time, time to think
when you're watching the world go by.
Oh, if you start right, you feel right,
you can make your own rules!
If you live righ,t you're alright
with a sip of the morning dew.
A.M. Ale!
For the thirst you've gotta feed.
A.M. Ale! It's the drink your body needs.
You can trust it with your secrets
it's a friend that understands.
When you need some answers,
just look at the bottle in your hand.
It's an A.M. Ale."
Announcer: A.M. Ale. Because you can't wait until afternoon.
The Courtney Love Show:
Courtney Love: [shoves him away] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [stumbles to the main set] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to "The Courtney Love Show", I'm Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [is handed a cigarette by the stagehand] Alright.. come here! [grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill *******. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top] Okay, it's time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [leans back and lifts up leg] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [points to one area of her arm] ..Alright, there's ten, trust me, okay!
Get Off the Shed!:
Shirley: Anyway, she was just saying how hard it is to find good entertainment for a kid’s party. I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE PHILIPPIANS AND SELL YOUR KIDNEYS ON THE BLACK MARKET IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!
Shirley: IF YOU DON’T GET DOWN FROM THAT DAMN SHED I WILL LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO FRUIT AND WUSSY!
Frank: I WILL TAKE YOU INTO A DARK ALLEY AND FIGHT YOU IF YOU AREN’T DOWN IN TWO SECONDS!!!!
Shirley: HE WILL DO THAT AND I WILL VIDEOTAPE IT AND MAKE YOU WATCH IT EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! [Together] GET OF THE SHED! GET OFF THAT SHED!
A.M. Ale:
Jingle:
"Dawn's the time when you wake, to the challenge of a brand new day
You're on your own when breakfast calls, you're tired of the same old way.
A.M. Ale!
When you need a friend, you don't ask questions,
never bother with how or why.
I need time, time to think
when you're watching the world go by.
Oh, if you start right, you feel right,
you can make your own rules!
If you live righ,t you're alright
with a sip of the morning dew.
A.M. Ale!
For the thirst you've gotta feed.
A.M. Ale! It's the drink your body needs.
You can trust it with your secrets
it's a friend that understands.
When you need some answers,
just look at the bottle in your hand.
It's an A.M. Ale."
Announcer: A.M. Ale. Because you can't wait until afternoon.
The Courtney Love Show:
Courtney Love: [shoves him away] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [stumbles to the main set] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to "The Courtney Love Show", I'm Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [is handed a cigarette by the stagehand] Alright.. come here! [grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill *******. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top] Okay, it's time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [leans back and lifts up leg] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [points to one area of her arm] ..Alright, there's ten, trust me, okay!
Get Off the Shed!:
Shirley: Anyway, she was just saying how hard it is to find good entertainment for a kid’s party. I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE PHILIPPIANS AND SELL YOUR KIDNEYS ON THE BLACK MARKET IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!
Shirley: IF YOU DON’T GET DOWN FROM THAT DAMN SHED I WILL LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO FRUIT AND WUSSY!
Frank: I WILL TAKE YOU INTO A DARK ALLEY AND FIGHT YOU IF YOU AREN’T DOWN IN TWO SECONDS!!!!
Shirley: HE WILL DO THAT AND I WILL VIDEOTAPE IT AND MAKE YOU WATCH IT EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! [Together] GET OF THE SHED! GET OFF THAT SHED!
Mary Katherine (Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my arms, and then I smell my fingers - like that) Gallagher:
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm going to be doing a monologue today from my favorite made-for-TV movie, "The Betty Broderick Story", starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.
Father: That's very good, then, Mary Katherine. So, whenver you're ready.. [steps aside]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. Okay.. I'm sorry, I'm nervous.. [poises herself] "I remember it was dawn, and the sun was just.. the sun was just barely rising. And I.. I took the gun out of a little wooden box in my room.. and I got outside, and I got into my car.. then I drove.. and I drove.. and I drove over to Dan Broderick and Linda's house. And then I.. and then I.. broke into their front door and I.. slowly climbed up the stairs.. and to their bedroom, and I saw them sleeping there, and I just shot them both! I hate you, Dan! I hate you! I hate you!
Father: [grabs Mary Katherine's arm] Very good, Mary Katherine.. Very good..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [breaks free and does her victory split] Monologue!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stands beside the piano ] Do you know "You Ask Me If I Love You"? [ the nun behind the piano nods ] Okay! Okay..
[ singing ]
"You ask me..
You ask me if I love you..
and I choke on my reply.
I'd rather tell you honestly..
Than mislead you with a lie.
[props her leg atop the piano, flashing her panties. Father covers them with his clipboard]
"And sometimes when we touch..
the honesty's too much.
I'll have to close my eyes and hide.."
Sister: Now, listen, this is not a duet, it's a solo! Jennifer's solo! Because Jennifer sings very well! And yet, you continue to interrupt her. I'm asking you why you continue to interrupt her?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: The reason that I keep interrupting Jennifer would best be expressed in a monologue from the Made-For-TV movie "A House Without A Christmas", starring the Tony Award-winning Mr. Jason Robards. [begins monologue] "Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I want a Christmas tree in this house! A big, tall, green, beautiful juniper. And we would have one, Daddy, if you weren't so grumpy all the time. And we would have.. and we would have.. we would have presents, and.. and.. and.. and we would have egg nog with cinnamon and nutmeg and Christmas songs. Oh, Daddy! I want to sing! I want to sing! Do you hear that? Do you hear that?"
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm going to be doing a monologue today from my favorite made-for-TV movie, "The Betty Broderick Story", starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.
Father: That's very good, then, Mary Katherine. So, whenver you're ready.. [steps aside]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. Okay.. I'm sorry, I'm nervous.. [poises herself] "I remember it was dawn, and the sun was just.. the sun was just barely rising. And I.. I took the gun out of a little wooden box in my room.. and I got outside, and I got into my car.. then I drove.. and I drove.. and I drove over to Dan Broderick and Linda's house. And then I.. and then I.. broke into their front door and I.. slowly climbed up the stairs.. and to their bedroom, and I saw them sleeping there, and I just shot them both! I hate you, Dan! I hate you! I hate you!
Father: [grabs Mary Katherine's arm] Very good, Mary Katherine.. Very good..
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [breaks free and does her victory split] Monologue!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stands beside the piano ] Do you know "You Ask Me If I Love You"? [ the nun behind the piano nods ] Okay! Okay..
[ singing ]
"You ask me..
You ask me if I love you..
and I choke on my reply.
I'd rather tell you honestly..
Than mislead you with a lie.
[props her leg atop the piano, flashing her panties. Father covers them with his clipboard]
"And sometimes when we touch..
the honesty's too much.
I'll have to close my eyes and hide.."
Sister: Now, listen, this is not a duet, it's a solo! Jennifer's solo! Because Jennifer sings very well! And yet, you continue to interrupt her. I'm asking you why you continue to interrupt her?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: The reason that I keep interrupting Jennifer would best be expressed in a monologue from the Made-For-TV movie "A House Without A Christmas", starring the Tony Award-winning Mr. Jason Robards. [begins monologue] "Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I want a Christmas tree in this house! A big, tall, green, beautiful juniper. And we would have one, Daddy, if you weren't so grumpy all the time. And we would have.. and we would have.. we would have presents, and.. and.. and.. and we would have egg nog with cinnamon and nutmeg and Christmas songs. Oh, Daddy! I want to sing! I want to sing! Do you hear that? Do you hear that?"
Wake Up, Wakefield:
Megan: [flustered] Oh, wow.. this is awkward.. I promised I wouldn't talk about this on the air, but here goes.. See, I am happy to announce here on the show, that I am no longer in love with one Randall James Goldman. I told him, "It's over between us, babe," and he said, "Moooove, Mandy, you're blocking my locker." and I said, "Hey, let's end this game while it's sweet, and my name is Megan."
Sheldon: That guy is no good for you..
Megan: Yeahhhhh.. I realized I had to set more realistic romantic goals for myself. So, please say Hello to the new love of my life.. [pulls out button from underneath shirt] ..Justin Timberlake! [singing] "Megan, I love you! You're my girlfriend!" I love you, too, J.T.! [licks the button passionately] He's awesome!
Megan: Well.. now it's time, again, for everyone's favorite slumber party game - Call Randy Goldman and Hang Up!
Emily: God.. all night..
[Megan dials the phone; it rings; the girls shake]
Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?
[the girls try to stifle their excitement]
Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?!
[Megan quickly hangs up]
Megan: That was awesome!
Randy Goldman: Hey. you guys keep calling me? I have Caller I.D., you know.
[Megan stands]
Megan: Oh, my God! Hey, Randy, I didn't even know you lived around here. Gosh.. well, I don't care or anything, it's just.. these pajamas are from Victoria's Secrets, 'cause.. I don't know.. I'm pretty grown up.
Randy Goldman: Hey, what's up?
Megan: Oh my god! Randy! This is so awkward you walking in on me and Zack like this… but maybe it's for the best.. ok? So let's just be adults about this and just lay our cards on the table… I never meant to hurt you!
Zack: What are you talking about?!?
Megan: Yea, me too. I heard Randy Goldman and his crazy friends are going around TP'ing people's yards, but I'll be home all night, so he better not try my house, which is 1008 Hillside Avenue even though he probably will because there are so many trees perfect for TP'ing.
Megan: Yeah. Hey, speaking of rocking, you all should check out Mr. Thomas Eenie's computer class. We're doin' Photoshop this week, and you can do some really awesome stuff.
Sheldon: Yeah, like putting Randy Goldman's face on everything.
Megan: [Unzips shirt to reveal another shirt with Randy's head with hearts around it on it] This is just an art project, but if a guy like Randy Goldman saw it, and wanted to make out with me, he totally could.
Megan: See, that's weird, cuz, I would've picked someone who's good at singing, like, I dunno, Clay Aiken. And I'd show up at the studio and he'd be like, "Hey, you have pretty hair." And I'd be like, [Plays with hair] "What?" And he'd be like, "Do you wanna go have a romantic dinner?" And I'd be like "Ok." And he'd be like "Lemme call my limo and [singing] if you told me this is what Heaven is, you would be right.
Megan: You kinda look like Justin Guarini from "American Idol". You know who else is from "American Idol"? Clay Aiken. Speaking of Clay Aiken, I have a question. Have you heard Clay Aiken's album? And if so, tell me why you like it.
Megan: [flustered] Oh, wow.. this is awkward.. I promised I wouldn't talk about this on the air, but here goes.. See, I am happy to announce here on the show, that I am no longer in love with one Randall James Goldman. I told him, "It's over between us, babe," and he said, "Moooove, Mandy, you're blocking my locker." and I said, "Hey, let's end this game while it's sweet, and my name is Megan."
Sheldon: That guy is no good for you..
Megan: Yeahhhhh.. I realized I had to set more realistic romantic goals for myself. So, please say Hello to the new love of my life.. [pulls out button from underneath shirt] ..Justin Timberlake! [singing] "Megan, I love you! You're my girlfriend!" I love you, too, J.T.! [licks the button passionately] He's awesome!
Megan: Well.. now it's time, again, for everyone's favorite slumber party game - Call Randy Goldman and Hang Up!
Emily: God.. all night..
[Megan dials the phone; it rings; the girls shake]
Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?
[the girls try to stifle their excitement]
Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?!
[Megan quickly hangs up]
Megan: That was awesome!
Randy Goldman: Hey. you guys keep calling me? I have Caller I.D., you know.
[Megan stands]
Megan: Oh, my God! Hey, Randy, I didn't even know you lived around here. Gosh.. well, I don't care or anything, it's just.. these pajamas are from Victoria's Secrets, 'cause.. I don't know.. I'm pretty grown up.
Randy Goldman: Hey, what's up?
Megan: Oh my god! Randy! This is so awkward you walking in on me and Zack like this… but maybe it's for the best.. ok? So let's just be adults about this and just lay our cards on the table… I never meant to hurt you!
Zack: What are you talking about?!?
Megan: Yea, me too. I heard Randy Goldman and his crazy friends are going around TP'ing people's yards, but I'll be home all night, so he better not try my house, which is 1008 Hillside Avenue even though he probably will because there are so many trees perfect for TP'ing.
Megan: Yeah. Hey, speaking of rocking, you all should check out Mr. Thomas Eenie's computer class. We're doin' Photoshop this week, and you can do some really awesome stuff.
Sheldon: Yeah, like putting Randy Goldman's face on everything.
Megan: [Unzips shirt to reveal another shirt with Randy's head with hearts around it on it] This is just an art project, but if a guy like Randy Goldman saw it, and wanted to make out with me, he totally could.
Megan: See, that's weird, cuz, I would've picked someone who's good at singing, like, I dunno, Clay Aiken. And I'd show up at the studio and he'd be like, "Hey, you have pretty hair." And I'd be like, [Plays with hair] "What?" And he'd be like, "Do you wanna go have a romantic dinner?" And I'd be like "Ok." And he'd be like "Lemme call my limo and [singing] if you told me this is what Heaven is, you would be right.
Megan: You kinda look like Justin Guarini from "American Idol". You know who else is from "American Idol"? Clay Aiken. Speaking of Clay Aiken, I have a question. Have you heard Clay Aiken's album? And if so, tell me why you like it.
The one where Reese Witherspoon hosted was funny.
Wake Up, Wakefield:
Megan: It's awesome, you guys. Um.. the other main format change in the show, is that I am no longer in love with Randy Goldman.. [reveals t-shirt with Randy's face X'd out] ..so, Randy, if you're watching.. you don't have to ignore me any more, because I don't like you like that. But I do like your new haircut with the long pieces on the side - it's awesome!
Megan: I am over here at the viewer window.. where Randy and Gretchen are totally making out..! That's cool, I don't even care! But if my heart had a mouth, and it could speak, it would say that I cherish you, Randy Wayne Goldman.. and, though in my life I may take many lovers, you will forever be my brown-eyed SFOC - Super Fox of the Century. [singing] "I want to stand with you on the mountains.."
Randy Goldman: I can totally hear you! This is plastic!
The Little Mermaid:
Little Mermaid: I've been watching your ship from afar.
Sailor: I've never seen anyone so beautiful.
Little Mermaid: Nor have I.
[singing]
"I thought I had seen all the wonders of the sea."
Sailor: "I thought I had known all the beauty of the shore."
Little Mermaid: "But here at last, where our two worlds meet."
Together: "I finally felt my true heart soar!"
Little Mermaid: "I feel brand new!"
Sailor: "I feel so free!"
Little Mermaid: "I feel an increased flow of mucus in my fish genitalia!"
Sailor: "I feel like I never.." [stops abruptly] ..whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?
Little Mermaid: "Below the waves, our hearts will know the differences outside."
Sailor: It's true!
Little Mermaid: "I love all creatures equally, wherever they reside."
Sailor: That's lovely!
Little Mermaid: "I get it on with tuna
I've gone down on a shark!
I've got films of me with a manatee..!"
Sailor: Alright, alright! That's enough! That's enough!
Little Mermaid: What's wrong?
Sailor: You have sex with fish?!
Little Mermaid: Fish, shrimp, turtles.. I'll pretty much bend over for anything with fins.
Wake Up, Wakefield:
Megan: It's awesome, you guys. Um.. the other main format change in the show, is that I am no longer in love with Randy Goldman.. [reveals t-shirt with Randy's face X'd out] ..so, Randy, if you're watching.. you don't have to ignore me any more, because I don't like you like that. But I do like your new haircut with the long pieces on the side - it's awesome!
Megan: I am over here at the viewer window.. where Randy and Gretchen are totally making out..! That's cool, I don't even care! But if my heart had a mouth, and it could speak, it would say that I cherish you, Randy Wayne Goldman.. and, though in my life I may take many lovers, you will forever be my brown-eyed SFOC - Super Fox of the Century. [singing] "I want to stand with you on the mountains.."
Randy Goldman: I can totally hear you! This is plastic!
The Little Mermaid:
Little Mermaid: I've been watching your ship from afar.
Sailor: I've never seen anyone so beautiful.
Little Mermaid: Nor have I.
[singing]
"I thought I had seen all the wonders of the sea."
Sailor: "I thought I had known all the beauty of the shore."
Little Mermaid: "But here at last, where our two worlds meet."
Together: "I finally felt my true heart soar!"
Little Mermaid: "I feel brand new!"
Sailor: "I feel so free!"
Little Mermaid: "I feel an increased flow of mucus in my fish genitalia!"
Sailor: "I feel like I never.." [stops abruptly] ..whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?
Little Mermaid: "Below the waves, our hearts will know the differences outside."
Sailor: It's true!
Little Mermaid: "I love all creatures equally, wherever they reside."
Sailor: That's lovely!
Little Mermaid: "I get it on with tuna
I've gone down on a shark!
I've got films of me with a manatee..!"
Sailor: Alright, alright! That's enough! That's enough!
Little Mermaid: What's wrong?
Sailor: You have sex with fish?!
Little Mermaid: Fish, shrimp, turtles.. I'll pretty much bend over for anything with fins.
the dakota fanning talk show with guests "daniel radcliffe" and "abigail breslin"!!!! pure gold
http://youtube.com/watch?v=AcNDzrfU0Ss
http://youtube.com/watch?v=AcNDzrfU0Ss
hahaha i was flipping thru the channels and have to say i laughed out loud upon seeing the cowbell sketch again. i cant believe it was ever not funny when they were doing the rehearsal!will ferrell...
the cowbell one is one of my faves too!
Sprockets:
- Dieter: Can I touch your widow's peak? It is most bizarre.
Butch Patrick: Uh.. okay..
Dieter: [reaches in and touches Butch's hair] Textures interest me. Do you want to touch my monkey? [indicates his monkey sitting on a pedestal]
Butch Patrick: [dumbfounded] Touch your monkey? I..
Dieter: Touch it!
Butch Patrick: Uh.. really, no..
Dieter: Touch the monkey! I'd like you to touch it!
Butch Patrick: [giving in] Okay! Alright! [ stands up and walks over to the monkey ] Hey, monkey.. hey.. [the monkey bites his finger] Ouch! He bit me! Ow, I'm bleeding! Could I get a bandage, or something? Please? Agh! - Dieter: I would have liked to have seen you play Eddie completely covered in sores.
Butch Patrick: What?! Sores?
Dieter: Abrasions. Lesions. - Dieter: Velcome to "Sprockets", I am your host Dieter. [wild aplause from audience] Thank you very much for your kind applause on my entrance. I always like a warm hand on my opening. Vell, it's Oscar time, and I am as happy as a little girl! [pulls nipple areas of his shirt to mime false boobies]
- Dieter: Helping me tonight is fellow insane film enthusiast - and my luv-er - Helmut! Please welcome.. Helmut Vosh!
[Helmut, a talll, lankish, manly-looking woman, enters the set, locking into a warm embrace with Dieter]
Dieter: Stop. [they separate] Before I begin.. would you like to touch my monkey?
Helmut: I vill touch him!
Dieter: Touch him! Love him!
Helmut: [touches the monkey's paw] There, I did it.
Dieter: Now.. was that so hard? Sit! Helmut sits ] How do you answer the rumors that you are a sily *****?!
Helmut: [a pause] I embrace them. - Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets, Gregor Voss.
Gregor Voss: Whoo! Yah, is great to be here, Dieter.
Dieter: Gregor Voss, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation. Would you care to strike me?
Gregor Voss: This is fantastic I can't believe I'm here! Hello West Berlin! Ich bin ein West Berliner! - Dieter: And now Id like to introduce the man who compiles all the videos for Germanys Most Disturbing Home Videos. You may know him as the vacky neighbor from Munich TVs hit comedy Who Are You to Accuse Me? Please welcome Karl-Heinz Shelkar. [Karl Heinz enters studio] Welcome to Sprockets Karl-Heinz.
Karl-Heinz: Danka Dieter.
Dieter: Karl Heinz, you are beautiful and angular and if you were a gas, youd be inert. - Karl-Heinz: The first video was sent in by Colin Hartmen from Dueseldorf. Here is a fat man in a diaper cavorting about in a lawn shprinkler. I guess this proves that old Bavarian saying that a fat man and a shprinkler are soon together.
Dieter: Brilliant. Truly disturbing.
Karl-Heinz: The next disturbing video was sent in by Napoleon Shultz of Breman. In it was see a man distributing leaflets. Another man comes over and read one. Watch what he does. He has kicked the man in the testicles! Look - the pain was so intense he has to vomit.
Dieter: His agony was gorgeous. I need to be slapped.
I loved the one where Mike Meyers hosted:
Coffee Talk
British Parliament
Coffee Talk
- Linda Richman: Welcome to "Coffee Talk". I'm your host, Linda Richan - Richman. Sorry. I'm still filling in for Paul Baldwin, who never despite all the treatments had a recurrence of shpilkes in his genecktageesoink. I just spent a few weeks in Boca visiting him, and knock on wood, pooh pooh pooh, his color is good, his spirits are high, and God bless the man - he can still beat me in Canasta flying boltiks, so go figure.
- Linda Richman: Ach. Hey, she looks like my pupik. Also, may I just say something, what was with that movie "The English Patient"?
Stephanie: I liked it.
Linda Richman: What's to like? That movie made me feel like The Mental Patient. And don't get me started with the actors' names. Ray-ph Fiennes? I don't think so. It's Ralph, honey. What, do you think I buy my Polo by Ray-ph Lauren? And what was with her name - Kristen Scott Thomas? Girl, boy, boy. Who are you? Pick a gender!
Stephanie: I'll tell you what I didn't get - that "Secrets and Lies" movie. That movie was so long, my bangs grew in before it was over.
British Parliament
- Clive Budgen: Does the Prime Minister agree with me.. that the parking situation in Benchley has become intolerable.. and that if the residents of Weymouth refuse to transport their carriages elsewhere.. then they shall only be allowed to park 9 to 5 fortnight!
[the crowd cheers their approval]
John Major: Uh.. yes, yes.. yes, yes.. If the right honorable gentleman from the Labor Party were to spend less time concerning himself with the parking situation, and more time preventing the closure of canals, then perhaps he could take the ferry into work, thereby ridding the streets of one.. less.. drunk driver!
[the crowd gets rowdy] - Betty Boothroyd: Order, please!! Please! Question to the Prime Minister, Mr. Paddy Donahoe!
Paddy Donahoe: What does the Prime Minister plan to do about the removal of British troops from Northern Ireland?
[the crowd gets rowdy]
John Major: Uh, yes.. yes.. Let me ask the right honorable gentleman from Belfast something. What does he plan to do about the removal of Guinness from his liver?
Paddy Donahoe: Okay, follow-up question: Will the Prime Minister be driving his usual car home tonight?
[John Major expresses a worried look on his face] - Michael Shersby: [seemingly distracted] How can.. the Prime minister.. support a law.. that makes it illegal for people.. who.. [gets to the real point he's been fidgeting with] ..What I'm trying to say is.. Oasis rules!
Betty Boothroyd: [sternly] Mr. Shersby!! You've been warned seven times this month to stop bringing up Oasis!
Michael Shersby: But is not Oasis the greatest British band since the Beatles? Can we not vote on this?! - Simon Coombs: [smiling broadly with crooked teeth as he speaks, the camera zooming in on those flawed teeth] Yes, uh.. regarding the Prime Minister's health care clause, I would like to point out that, in no way, does England need anything as frivilous as national dental care! Very good!
- Paddy Donahoe: [holding up a small package wrapped in paper] Would the Prime Minster mind carrying this package home tonight?
[John Major expresses another worried look on his face] - Clive Budgen: [suddenly stands, clamping his hands over his man-breasts area] I'm wearing ladies underwear!!
[the crowd becomes rowdy with approval]
- Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight's topics are: "Effigies: Are They Worth The Effort?" Why not just get the real guy?!
- Andy Gray: Alright, let's get to our next topic, because I'm so bevy I'm gonna honk! And I'm gonna paint this room like an esophageal Jackson Pollock canvas! Which brings us to our next topic: Odd Items That I Found In My Vomit After Soccer Riots.
