Updating engagement/wedding rings - why?

[Bitten]

As to the original question: I think every couple and every marriage is different, both in terms of where they start and what they prioritise as they get older. My mother actually gave us the solitaire for our engagement ring which was very kind of her, as a way of repurposing a diamond she had but didn't wear. Personally, before this gift was given, I was in two minds about an engagement ring, preferring the idea of a diamond wedding band to serve as both the engagement ring and the wedding ring. However, since the solitaire was given to us, DF had it set and it is truly very beautiful and very important to both of us. However we still wanted to get the original diamond wedding band we had discussed for many months beforehand. So I effectively have two sets, my diamond wedding band which I wear on its own (the style can't really be worn with any other ring) and my engagement ring which I wear with a very slim micropave band.

This is not the situation of most married couples at all, but it's our situation. I wouldn't upgrade these rings but I understand the motives of people who do decide to upgrade or update the settings down the track. I like the analogy someone suggested of the car you drove at 20 compared to the car you drive at 50. If you're very lucky, life is long and your preferences and circumstances will undoubtedly change over that time. And this is a forum devoted to the more superficial aspects of life, so the population is undoubtedly a bit skewed

 

[MatAllston]

Just like some women enjoy proudly showing their engagement ring to their family and friends as part of the celebration of the announcement, I think some men too like to be able to talk about how much they were able to spend on the ring itself. You don't see it just in respect of engagement/wedding rings either. Any time one of my friends/siblings buys a home or renovates a kitchen, they invite friends/family over and there is the showing of the home, the story-telling of how competitive the offers were, the other buyers who missed out, or the builders who insisted on being paid $xyz over budget etc etc etc. It's all a ritual, it's a little bit of preening or peacocking, men and women both do it and overall I'd say it's a fairly harmless behaviour. Personally I find it quite charming, the things my friends/family place particular value on and want to be able to show you for your adulation. I never sense any put-down inherent in the behaviour - if there was it would be off-putting but like I said, I think most people who exhibit such behaviours do so because they are proud of whatever it is and want to share that moment with you in the spirit of genuine friendship.

That was only part of the story. He had to remind me over the span of a few weeks after he got his wife the ring that hers is 5 points BIGGER than mine. He generally just likes to brag, that's just his personality.

 

[Bitten]

That was only part of the story. He had to remind me over the span of a few weeks after he got his wife the ring that hers is 5 points BIGGER than mine. He generally just likes to brag, that's just his personality.

Well, yes there is that quality too!

 

[JenW]

That was only part of the story. He had to remind me over the span of a few weeks after he got his wife the ring that hers is 5 points BIGGER than mine. He generally just likes to brag, that's just his personality.

5 points? What a douche.

 

[Sugardragon]

I've known one woman who updated her ring. She was married in the 70s and said she felt like she was wearing the jewelry equivalent of a harvest gold refrigerator on her hand. She lost a bunch of weight and talked her husband into a new ring instead of just sizing down.

 

[Amazona]

When my husband and I got married, I didn't even have an ering. We were young and broke. He surprised me with a Tiffany diamond ring for our 10th and then another Tiffany diamond ring our 20th anniversary. Everyone has their own story, not everyone gets proposed with a diamond ring and wears the same ring forever.

That's lovely! I know people who haven't been able to afford anything more than a pair of sleek silver rings and they proudly carry them still, after I-don't-know-how-many years of marriage. Anniversary presents are a great way to "update".
For me, a diamond ring is def not on the list - I want something more ecofriendly and wearable; no rocks (mining for those little suckers is seriously bad for the planet) and all titanium (which has a very small carbon footprint). Also, a huge wad of diamonds isn't very practical for work and def.not a safe option when traveling.
To each their own, a goldsmith told me about a weird ring he had made for a bride who didn't want any diamonds on her ring and her fiance asked the goldsmith to set 3 stones INSIDE the ring. He wanted to give her diamonds whether she liked it or not - a question of pride, maybe? The story doesn't tell.

Thank you all for your replies, it's really interesting to read your stories and points of view!

 

[iVALANI]

I would never upgrade anything my husband gave me, ering included. That would imply I didn't like the original.
Besides, nowadays, a decade after I got my engagement ring, I think I would rather spend the money necessary for a potential upgrade on travel, home improvement projects, etc.

 

[leechiyong]

To each their own, a goldsmith told me about a weird ring he had made for a bride who didn't want any diamonds on her ring and her fiance asked the goldsmith to set 3 stones INSIDE the ring. He wanted to give her diamonds whether she liked it or not - a question of pride, maybe? The story doesn't tell.

Wow, that's passive aggressive. I realize it's a trivial item, but I can't imagine my response if I found out that from the onset of our marriage, my husband deliberately deceived me and put his wants over mine like that. I hope she has a better sense of humor than I do.

 

[k*d]

I just don't understand the need for men to brag about their ring purchase. A friend of mine is like that too. He went on for at least 6 months bragging about the ering he got for his now wife. He said so many people have asked him if he got it from Tiffany, he was so proud of it which I don't understand as the ring is a Tiffany replica.

In the case of the guy I know, I think it stems from his insecurity. It's like he thinks there's a direct correlation between the size of her rock and his nether region.

Just like some women enjoy proudly showing their engagement ring to their family and friends as part of the celebration of the announcement, I think some men too like to be able to talk about how much they were able to spend on the ring itself. You don't see it just in respect of engagement/wedding rings either. Any time one of my friends/siblings buys a home or renovates a kitchen, they invite friends/family over and there is the showing of the home, the story-telling of how competitive the offers were, the other buyers who missed out, or the builders who insisted on being paid $xyz over budget etc etc etc. It's all a ritual, it's a little bit of preening or peacocking, men and women both do it and overall I'd say it's a fairly harmless behaviour. Personally I find it quite charming, the things my friends/family place particular value on and want to be able to show you for your adulation. I never sense any put-down inherent in the behaviour - if there was it would be off-putting but like I said, I think most people who exhibit such behaviours do so because they are proud of whatever it is and want to share that moment with you in the spirit of genuine friendship.

I haven't seen the homeowner example from any of my friends, and I'm glad. I think my friends and I are alike enough that we'd rather watch paint dry in their new homes than listen to anyone talk on and on about how much they paid and how many people they outbid. It's my relatives who love to do that.

 

[OKComputer]

I find it hilarious - and quite hypocritical - when women say they wouldn't upgrade their ring or will keep the original stone in a new setting for 'sentimental' purposes, and in the same breath chastise others for being materialistic. It is bizarre that one would assign sentimentality to a materialistic object, while simultaneously proclaiming they are absolutely not materialistic. Please. That is absolutely ridiculous, so let's just drop the facade.

As for me, I do not assign sentiments to jewelry or any of my possessions. I tell my husband that if we were to hit a rough patch, I would sell everything in a heartbeat - as all I really need is him and our family.

I was proposed to with a beautiful 1.5ct modern stone; however I knew nothing of diamonds at that time. After getting engaged, I was introduced to old cuts and fell in love. Slowly expanded my collection of old cuts and for our 5th anni, my husband wanted me to change my ering for an old cut. I ended up getting a 2.5ct OMC and set my original to a necklace. I never showed my ring to anyone, not even my friends. Some noticed, most didn't. Some noticed over a year later (my manager). It's not something I did for the public at large, it was for me and what made me happy.

Giving you my perspective since you asked for opinions. FWIW, I don't live in the US.

 

[lage]

I loved my original wedding set (still do). My husband proposed with an inherited stone and we married 7 weeks later. This was before I discovered PF and PS. We had little time to find a setting and I hadn't put much thought into an engagement ring prior, so was happy when a setting at a local jeweler worked with my stone. The engraved halo setting in 18kt wg was lovely, did not stand up to daily wear. With time the engraving wore away and I lost multiple stones from the halo and bands. After replacing a final lost stone, my husband said he wanted to have a new setting made of platinum that would last and suggested I take whatever time needed to design it. After a few months of pouring over PF and PS, I learned about settings, metals, and durability. Fearing another halo wouldn't hold up to daily wear and wanting something less blingy, I decided not to replicate my original setting. Instead, I opted for a three stone using my original diamond and new pear sides. I found a color stoned (representing my husband's birth month) that fit my original setting and now wear it as a right had ring on special occasions.

 

[BigPurseSue]

I've known one woman who updated her ring. She was married in the 70s and said she felt like she was wearing the jewelry equivalent of a harvest gold refrigerator on her hand. She lost a bunch of weight and talked her husband into a new ring instead of just sizing down.

Some of the jewelry designs in the 1970s were pretty cringe-worthy. As were clothing designs. Lots of brushed gold. The 1970s were also witness to the birth and proliferation of mall jewelry stores which were known for selling poor quality diamonds. Knew a number of guys, mostly hardworking working-class guys, who knew nothing about buying jewelry, who came from poor families where no one bought jewelry, who'd walk into these mall stores and buy a terribly over-priced ring on installment.

 

[Passerine123]

We plan to upgrade mine. The original is gone, anyway. I took it off one night, put it on the nightstand, and it bounced off under the bed. We were really tired, so I figured I'd fish it out in the morning. But when I woke up, I decided to first go get us coffees from our favorite cafe a few blocks away. When I came back, I found out that for the first time ever, my husband had swept and vacuumed under the bed, emptied the vacuum cleaner into a garbage bag and put it in the dumpster. The trash truck came right after and emptied the dumpster. And that was the end of my ring! So now I wear just a plain gold band. We plan to upgrade with an artisan diamond eternity band from Italy -- one of these days. It's not a priority, but I do look forward to a new ring...and, FWIW, we live in Europe ourselves and know a few women who wear upgraded rings.

 

[DrDior]

I didn't have an engagement ring, just a wedding band. I wasn't super into either - or the whole wedding thing for that matter - and gave some generic specifications for a custom ring my husband had made. I love my ruby band, but it's a bit too modern for my taste. I prefer antique jewellery. So when we hit 5 years, we went and bought an art deco diamond band. I love it and can't imagine swapping it out.

 

[LanaA]

I also don't get it, I think if you got married with a certain ring it'd be nice to wear that for the rest of your life unless it gets damaged etc. I got married at 18 and we didn't have any money so I've never had a wedding band or engagement ring. My MIL took back our wedding rings that we used in the ceremony (right after the ceremony) because she bought it...my husband had a silver ring he wears on his left hand and I now have an assortment of diamond rings and every day I swap out whatever one I feel like wearing.