Shopping for your "Fantasy self"

Darina Angelova

Darina Angelova

Member
Jun 18, 2018
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#1
I was watching a "minimalist lifestyle" video on youtube and the girl got me thinking... (Not that I could ever subscribe to any type of "minimalist" lifestyle... )
But... also... I realized I have never shopped for MYSELF in the last 15 years.... ( I'll be 33 in June '19)
When I think about shopping I always think about my "fantasy self". Weather it's the bad a$$ professional when I was shopping for "interview/office outfits" when I was 20 something or weather I was shopping for cool "In the club" outfits or red/black sexy dresses for my man/boyfriend etc... I realized... I am almost 33 and I have NEVER shopped for an outfit for myself! It was always for my fantasy self! Or for somebody else's fantasy. Not mine... (That short red dress, you know...)
Am I the only one? Am I that stupid?! I am about to purchase my first home and my closet so far is full off clothes that reflect the fantasy of someone else! Weather it's someone at work, my family, my friends, my SO, or society all together...
I remember when everybody called me "boring"because I thought a pant suit and a white shirt was the ultimate chic.
I remember when everyone made fun of me because I was dressing like a "grandma" in black, white, beige and gray because I always thought of a "job interview" when I was shopping for clothes.
Has this ever happened to you?! Have you ever dressed to please anyone else and how?
Let me know, girls. I understand this is silly... However, If I suddenly decided to donate, to sell or to throw out all the clothes I have purchased for my "fantasy self", my real self would have to go naked.
 
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#2
I think this is pretty common. I am a SAHM and had a ton of corporate wear, heels, gym wear that I donated when I started getting into minimalism. To me, all that minimalism is, is only having what you need, use and like around you.
I realised that I like to wear jeans everyday, flats, a nice t-shirt and some kind of unstructured jacket. If I ever do work in a corporate environment again, I will just develop a dressier version of my jeans uniform.
Feeling like yourself is really the best.
It might be useful to watch some YouTube channels about personal style and capsule wardrobes
 
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#5
Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but I feel like people are not one dimensional and all those looks are still you at one point. Assuming you shopped for professional clothes bc you worked in a professional environment and bought clubbing clothes bc you partied sometimes. I see nothing wrong with that. Maybe you're in a different place now and don't need those anymore. Sounds more like your past self, not necessarily fantasy self. Maybe you're being too hard on yourself? You're in your early 30s, about to become a homeowner and have a pretty nice wardrobe (that red dress - everyone wants to look nice at a club - it's not necessarily for your boyfriend), I say you're doing pretty well! Don't toss everything, keep what fits and looks good.
 
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#6
Honestly... I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I might be having a midlife fashion meltdown... or something:smile:
I feel like I NEVER developed a personal style. I CAN dress for any occasion, don't get me wrong. If I have to dress for an event or for "a thing" for a friend and so on, I always do my best, I get compliments and so on, but it all just makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like an impostor. I feel fake. I feel like there was a specific moment in my 20s when I was supposed to figure out what my personal style was and I missed it! I missed that train. I went form a Parisian intern - flats/shirt/jeans/blazer/red lipstick to a slob/working/at/home/entrepreneur... (Meaning - mostly I'm dressed as Hugh Hefner - PJs and a robe if I don't need to go out. )
I used to enjoy fashion and trends and getting ready... I somehow lost it and I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm afraid of getting out of the house sometimes, I'm afraid of being ridiculed...
I just feel like it's easier for me to approach fashion as a "chore" or a "job" most of the time and not something I enjoy or look forward to. And at the same time, I feel guilty because of that, given how much I spend on clothes and shoes! It's insane! (I understand how little sense I make.) Anyway, if anyone else feels lost in an absurd world... You are not alone:smile:
 
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#7
I've always just bought what I liked, and I like a lot of different styles. Some people might do just 1 type of look and that's fine, but I like variety. Different occasions call for different types of outfits. I have become more practical with shoes, used to buy a lot of heels but I just can't wear them very often due to having to walk a lot so I try not to buy anymore and just enjoy the ones I have when I can wear them once in awhile.
 
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#8
Darina Angelova said:
Honestly... I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I might be having a midlife fashion meltdown... or something:smile:
I feel like I NEVER developed a personal style. I CAN dress for any occasion, don't get me wrong. If I have to dress for an event or for "a thing" for a friend and so on, I always do my best, I get compliments and so on, but it all just makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like an impostor. I feel fake. I feel like there was a specific moment in my 20s when I was supposed to figure out what my personal style was and I missed it! I missed that train. I went form a Parisian intern - flats/shirt/jeans/blazer/red lipstick to a slob/working/at/home/entrepreneur... (Meaning - mostly I'm dressed as Hugh Hefner - PJs and a robe if I don't need to go out. )
I used to enjoy fashion and trends and getting ready... I somehow lost it and I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm afraid of getting out of the house sometimes, I'm afraid of being ridiculed...
I just feel like it's easier for me to approach fashion as a "chore" or a "job" most of the time and not something I enjoy or look forward to. And at the same time, I feel guilty because of that, given how much I spend on clothes and shoes! It's insane! (I understand how little sense I make.) Anyway, if anyone else feels lost in an absurd world... You are not alone:smile:
Click to expand...
Well, first off, don't feel alone in this! :smile: There are many, MANY people who have never figured out their "personal style", and are well past their 20s. I would have been out of a job if everyone was busy cementing his/her personal style in their 20s, or even 30s! You seem able to have a large and varied wardrobe that fits well, so that's a bonus. What I hear when I read your post, is that you want your wardrobe to be more focused on what you truly would wear everyday, and not what you "think" you'd like to wear one day. Shopping for "one day" clothing leads to what my fab girl @GeorginaLavender calls "closet squatters".....items that are lovely and you liked enough to buy, but don't really use/wear.

As a little experiment, maybe track what you reach for on a regular basis for a month (Just make a basic list, post it in your closet, and do hatchmarks). Set those clothes aside; they're keepers, because you like and wear them now. Then make a list of what you would like to wear/own that gets infrequent use. Examples of this might be outfits to wear to a wedding, cocktail party, job interview, LBD, etc. Then I would separate into piles for each category. Keep the best 1 or 2 (maybe 3 if you have the space) in each category. I do the same with shoes. It sounds like a lot of work, and it is, but you can do it in segments. This is a shorthand version of what I'd do with clients. After you've gone through things, you'll have pared down, and you will enjoy using your wardrobe more! You'll also know what holes/needs you might have, and you can do the fun part....shopping. :biggrin: The most important part is to be honest with yourself! If you like variety, it's okay to have choices, if that's what makes you happy and you have the space. If you only reach for black sweaters, then buying hot pink sweaters will be counterproductive and a waste of your money. If you don't go out that often, maybe you'd enjoy some lovely PJs and robes. There's no wrong answer! Good luck in your closet journey (everyone has one!), and congratulations on your house. :tup:
 
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#9
Today I am traveling & bought a multicolored hat.
To delay haircut couple more weeks.
Just stuck it on head, with outfit of day.
To keep tendril hair off my aviators.

I blend into normal society by NOT dressing for my real self.
Because my real self is an apathetic slob.
And would wear baggy sweaters over caftans with snow boots.
I need the sweet lies un-me fashion whispers--sometimes.;)
 
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#10
Fashion is forever changing. The latest it looks are pushed to by designers and magazines, ect. One feels the need to dress in a certain style to look fashionable because they will be judged by others. People buy because they have to have the latest fashions. It never ends.

My two best friends buy a new outfit for every occasion. It can be a birthday party for a relative or kid related school function. While they have closets full of clothing they don’t have any personal style. This to me is what I feel dressing for yourself is. Finding looks that work for you and you feel comfortable in. Knowing what you put on will make you feel good about yourself. We live in a materialistic society with throw away fashion. Our clothes can be easily replaced with the next seasons trend. Stores are filled with clothing choices, so how does one even find a personal style which I can also say is shopping for oneself when their are so many choices?

I have been on a journey to declutter my life for the past few years and simplify my wardrobe with more of uniform type dressing with items I feel comfortable wearing and are quality made. I found a few stores that work for me and shop online. I don’t go into malls and can’t be bothered going into stores because I am. It interested in wasting my time. For me I have found a look I feel comfortable with, I buy usually black bottoms, add navy and grey and pair with white and pastel tops. Love the clothing from InHabit NY for their clean lines and luxury fabric blends, Athleta for their comfort in leggings and pants along with casual tops. I can add scarves,shoes jewelry and purses and change my look with the same outfit. I have realized many mistakes in the past with clothing choices. For me it was refreshing to clean out my closet and get rid of everything I didn’t like, feel comfortable in, hated the print-design or just didn’t fit. I see so many people saving onto things from 20 years ago because they can’t get rid of that dress the wore to xxx even though it is beyond out of and style and ugly along with will never fit your body again. One may keep clothes due to memories but will never wear them. I thing letting go can help one develop a personal style and not keep you stuck in the past.

If one has a decent wardrobe of things that work for all occasion they do not have to keep shopping for their fantasy self. And it is up when a individual person Decides they need to have a certain outfit for a special occasion. My one friend buys her daughter a formal gown for every school dance. In the $400.00-800.00 price range. She will wear the dress oncebecause one can’t be seen in it again and they will sit in the closet for years from now because one can’t get rid of a expensive gown. I see this with friends buying fancy dresses to go to a relatives wedding. Dressing for every occassion in new clothing or because another person expects one to look that way can add up. Many people feel the need to impress others with their clothing. Buying nice clothes that will last for years is a better investment for me.

Some people buy because it is on sale and too good a price to not buy things they don’t need. I have to laugh at this one. I received a very large oversized zip front sweatshirt as a Xmas gift. It is black with some weird emblem on front that had 5 stars and I thought it looks like a witch design. It said blackcraft cult. So I wear it outside yesterday and am petting the neighbors dog, turning around just having a good time and the neighbor ask me “are you OK, is everything OK with you “ while Staring at my outfit? I come inside and remove the sweatshirt and the bag has this huge witching hour black craft cult design all over it. I thought this person must think I am crazy to be wearing this. If I saw this before ai put it in I would have never even left the house this way. I didn’t feel good wearing it and didn’t even look at the whole thing before I put it on. I wondered if the person who gave it to me regifted it or actually bought maybe a huge sale because I can’t imagine her buying this. I am putting it in the donation bin maybe someone else can enjoy the design but Not me.
 
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#11
I can kind of understand this to an extent. My “fantasy” isn’t a fantasy at all though. But I feel like I have so much “obligation” dressing that I very rarely am allowed to have a personal style.
 
#12
@stylistbydesign, as I understand you are a stylist and I greatly appreciate your post. Thank you so much for the free consult and the great tips:smile: Thank you for the advice from all of you, ladies! I hate it when it's a good advice, such you just can't take! Isn't it ironic?!:smile:
Anyway, first... "capsule wardrobe".... Oh, how I hate this concept! I hate it with a passion, I really do. I used to live in a capsule wardrobe when I lived in a 21 m2 apartment ( with a man!!!) To me, even if it was stylish, classy, simple, elegant... it was boring, depressing and restrictive. It meant "constantly working to shop for clothes for work and ALWAYS working and NEVER having any money... "Capsule wardrobe" for me sounds like "the basic B. starter kit"... ( No disrespect to those classy ladies who have and love and fully enjoy their carefully curated capsule wardrobe, OK?! I just never mastered this fine art. Bare with me...
Anyway... It's not for me, I discovered, I like a bit of everything. I was thinking: I can't wait until I'm not a slave to some open space office, I'll only buy things I absolutely love, that are "unique" and "unusual" and "WOW"... And this "little bit of everything" was the begging of the end when I LOST MY MIND! (Where I'm from this is called "unlived childhood". When you act and behave in an immature fashion, inappropriate for your age, because you have been repressed in your childhood...)
Sooo, in other words, because when I was a young woman I was restricted by this boring, work appropriate wardrobe, I went to the opposite end, as soon as I could. (Think Free People on LSD...) I started collecting piles on piles of butterfly, flowery patterns, embroidered, embellished, western, boho chic, rock and roll, caps, leather, ethnic, bright colours, fashion mashup clothes...
And MOST OF all - vacation dresses. (It's not a thing, I made it up. It's dresses for when your fantasy self goes on vacation...)
When my real self goes on vacation I roll around on the beach for 5 days with the same 5 yearl old dress and I walk around and go to dinner with jeans and a top and one other dress. Anyway. I was recently told by a friend: "You need to stop with those dresses! They are so restrictive, this is your whole outfit!"
And I said: "YES, exactly! That's the point! And I love it!"
So, I think I'll start from there. I really believe my thing is "dresses". I'll just build everything around that, which is what I like and enjoy most. I'm so glad I could discuss this here. I'm sorry if I don't make a lot of sense, I'm working on myself and it's very busy in my head these days:smile:
 
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#13
If you love dresses and thy make you maps make that your signature look.
Sometimes it takes some time to realize what we want and feet like ourself in.

My best friend was married to a older rich man. I met her right after her divorce. She literally dressed like a conservative wife at the age of 38. She met him when she was 18. She was not allowed to wear anything he did not pick out for her. Think silk blouses that had the bow at the neck and knee length skirts. She always looked like she was ready for church. After her divorce we did some major closet clean outs and dumped almost everything. Then we hit the thrift shops. For high end clothing at cheap prices. She was able to try everything she never wore before. Short rompers, clingy fitt d dresses, thong bikinis (pool in her yard), we did boho looks, preppy looks and she had a blast for a few years. Eventually she settled into her own look for her job but still had fun looking like who ever she wanted to be that day on her free time. People who met her always said she looked ten years younger after she divorced.
 
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#14
If you love dresses and thy make you maps make that your signature look.
Sometimes it takes some time to realize what we want and feet like ourself in.

My best friend was married to a older rich man. I met her right after her divorce. She literally dressed like a conservative wife at the age of 38. She met him when she was 18. She was not allowed to wear anything he did not pick out for her. Think silk blouses that had the bow at the neck and knee length skirts. She always looked like she was ready for church. After her divorce we did some major closet clean outs and dumped almost everything. Then we hit the thrift shops. For high end clothing at cheap prices. She was able to try everything she never wore before. Short rompers, clingy fitt d dresses, thong bikinis (pool in her yard), we did boho looks, preppy looks and she had a blast for a few years. Eventually she settled into her own look for her job but still had fun looking like who ever she wanted to be that day on her free time. People who met her always said she looked ten years younger after she divorced.
 
#15
@gillianna, I'm glad you brought this up. I have seen many women blossom after a divorce. In fact, I have an episode in my life that kind off drove me to the current situation.
When I was young (25 - ish) I remember walking around with my boyfriend, his mother (freshly divorced and rediscovering herself) and his sister. I remember I was this young bright eyed thing, I looked at the windows of the stores on the streets and some point I saw this beautiful gray skirt suit, very old school Dior like and I said: "OMG, this is beautiful! This is so elegant!" His mother turned and said to me: "Darina, listen, this is sooo old fashioned! You really need to dress appropriately for your age! You're an young girl! You need to dress more "young"! Your style is too conservative!"( Her son - my boyfriend and her daughter quickly confirmed.) "Yes, you dress like a boring grandma."
I really took this personally. I dress like that because:
#1. I have no money!
#2. Whatever I buy must go with everything!
#3. Whatever I wear must be "job/internship appropriate".
#4. Whatever I buy, I must be able to wear to work for at least 6 months!
#5. Whatever I buy I must be able to store in my tiny apartment!
#6. Whatever I buy has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with following the rules and building a life for myself! ( And your son.)
#7. Can I really afford this?
#8. Can I store/clean this correctly?
#9. Do I NEED this?
#10. Will I use this in 10 years?
Anyway, I felt misunderstood and I felt like whatever I do... I can't win. I can't win for loosing with those people...
And right then and there I promised myself - I will never judge how another woman dresses.
 
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