Dear everyone,
I am at the denying stage. My mental is against the fact that my Husband has gone forever.
I want to cry out loud but I can't.
I want to clean up the house but my kids keep everything nice and neat.
I want to iron his clothes but his clothes are done a few days ago.
I am sitting in my kitchen and usually, at this time my kitchen will have some sense of baked goods- now is empty. I am having a bottle of Ensure-the ernegy drink- which is my meal of a day, every day so far.
I am still wearing our wedding ring and looking at his wedding ring in my thump. Again no tear but I can hear my heart shattered into many pieces.
I am wearing the Juste Un Clou that was the last set of jewelry that he bought for me a week before he died. He has never bought any set for me before. Normally I would have a ring, then later earing, then if I was insisted that I needed a whole set then he would come in pick up a bracelet or bangle to match the set. So he did the set at this time for me just like he knew he would not be able to buy later.
The autopsy result came in He was somehow suffocated and Covid got him at that time. So there were no heart problems no worry that my kids would get it but my mind still has a big question mark why he got suffocated? Maybe God is the only one to know the real answer.
I have lost a few lbs finally. My hair is getting more grey than ever.
Yesterday I brought his clothes to the funeral home and forgot to bring him a Rosary. I drove 2hour and 30 mins back and forth and my mind was empty, my youngest was a quiet sleeper for once. I got the road all to myself.
Today is cloudy...I decided to keep his ring as a necklace pendant and to keep him close to my heart. But his rings plus mine are getting heavy....
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My heart breaks for you just reading this, I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you. Please take care. All of us here are sending our prayers and love even though I know no words will ever be enough. Sounds like you have raised great kids. Have lots of hugs with them. Hope you are surrounded with all the support you can get. Love you!