Parents who don't like boyfriend due to race

may3545

may3545

Happy living
O.G.
Mar 15, 2006
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#1
I have been with an amazing amazing AMAZING (and gorgeous) boyfriend of over a year now. I'm Chinese, and he is from Romania, going to school here and having a job here after graduation (Google took him!:yahoo:)

Everytime I have tried telling my parents about him, they get upset that he's not Chinese. So I started to just lie about the relationship, and said we were just friends. All my other cousins and friends know that we are together and totally support me and love my bf, and they have all kept it secret cuz they know "how my parents are."

The relationship is getting more serious, to the point of talking BIG DREAMS in the future. I'm actually moving up north to be with him, as I got the most amazing job offer up there.

I hate lying to my parents, but at some degree, they are lying to themselves about the truth, always threatening to disown me or have a heart attack if I tell them I am with him. So how can I tell them the truth when these threats are there?

They even started to suggest matching me up with Chinese sons of their friends, just because these guys are Chinese. My mom keeps saying that I have to find someone who loves me for who I am, can take care of me, and make me happy, and ultimately Chinese. Argh!

How do I break it to them? What is the best thing to do in such a situation when your parents don't like someone because of race? I know moving away from home is running away from the problem, and I hate how sometimes I feel like I left my family for a guy.. but really.... he is the one. For me, not my parents.
:sad:
 
#2
I had this exact situation a few years ago. I dated a wonderful African American guy and brought him to the family after roughly six months of dating. I had dated every other race under the sun, and they had never objected, so after they met and I saw they were cordial to him I thought everything was fine. A month later, my younger brother confided in me that they were really upset and said that they wouldn't say anything now but if things turned serious there was going to be a huge problem. I decided that while I loved them, I wouldn't change for them and continued to date him and bring him around the family for another six months until we broke up (over different reasons than race).

It's easy to say you should just stand up to them and explain how things are different in America because I know if they are like most Asian families, they will never ever understand. It's only been a year so you still have time to see if things will still be great - if things do end up going to the next level, you'll have to make a decision and brace yourself with the possibility that they may disown you. But if he really is the love of your life - you'll decide that it doesn't matter. This girl I knew in college was Filipino and dated a black guy for FOUR YEARS secretly because her family would disown her. They just got married, and the family has finally accepted it. Hopefully you won't have to go through as many years of heartache. Good luck to you.
 
#4
Are you a traditional chinese? If yes,, ooh that's very hard... My friends went thru the same thing... I'm also chinese, but only less than half.. If you're ready to break their laws, forget the traditions lolz.. they might disown you, but heck, if you'll be happy, be w/ your man..:smile:
 
#5
Well, first of all, congratulations to your parents for having raised their little girl to choose her personal associations based on the content of character and not color of skin!

And congratulations to you for finding The One!

In all probability, the obvious and continued fact of their child's happiness will in time, cause them to understand that your boyfriend's unfortunate failure to have been born Chinese was mere oversight on his part, not intentional, the kind of thing that can happen to anybody.

Theirs is a common malady and if a sustained course of high doses of Their Child's Happiness doesn't do it, even the most recalcitrant cases invariably respond to even a small dose of Cute Beige Grandchild.

Be calm in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing. You say it best yourself: "For me, not my parents."

I don't mean to trivialize it, for a while it will be awkward, and you will indeed find yourself politely deflecting their sincere offers to arrange a marriage for you with someone they feel will be more ethnically suitable. But you will get through it, and so will they, as millions of families before you have done, as a quick glance at the delightful genetic salad of any large city will attest!
 
#6
Parents can have a problem with that, no matter what your age. I'm 30 and my BF is of a different ethnicity, and although I think they're okay with me being with him (or rather, if they disliked him it would be for reasons other than race), but I know they'd probably prefer me to be with someone who is also African American. Because I'm African American, and he's Spanish. My mother thought (or claimed) he was from Puerto Rico for a whole year, and he's from South America!
 
#8
this happened to me when i was in HS with my HS sweetheart...he was my 1st love & he's filipino & i'm white...we dated for 4 years (3 in HS & 1 in college) & his parents never got past the "hello, how are you" phase with me :crybaby:...it was beyond hurtful for me & they definitely discriminated against me due to my race...who knows what would have happened if they approved of the relationship...he ended up marrying a chinese girl instead & i guess that was okay for them because she's asian...his brother ended up marrying his HS sweetheart & she's white like me...i'm guessing they finally decided to accept her, but they live far away, on the other side of the country...wish i knew what type of advice to give you girl...i guess if it's love, i'd be honest with your parents & be prepared to stand firm...i'm sure they'll eventually come to respect your feelings & your decision :tender:
 
#9
aaallabama said:
this happened to me when i was in HS with my HS sweetheart...he was my 1st love & he's filipino & i'm white...we dated for 4 years (3 in HS & 1 in college) & his parents never got past the "hello, how are you" phase with me :crybaby:...it was beyond hurtful for me & they definitely discriminated against me due to my race...who knows what would have happened if they approved of the relationship...he ended up marrying a chinese girl instead & i guess that was okay for them because she's asian...his brother ended up marrying his HS sweetheart & she's white like me...i'm guessing they finally decided to accept her, but they live far away, on the other side of the country...wish i knew what type of advice to give you girl...i guess if it's love, i'd be honest with your parents & be prepared to stand firm...i'm sure they'll eventually come to respect your feelings & your decision :tender:
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Hey, OMG:wtf: ... I never encountered such,,, I'm a filipina and I have never heard nor encountered a filipino being a racist:sad: I'm sad to know that, maybe his parents were just intimidated by you, idk :shrugs: I'm pretty sure you're happy now:wlae: .. sorry about it my dear
 
#10
So sorry to hear about this...I hope it all works out for you..but just remember that its all about you...and not them. The Chinese guy whom your parents try to pair u up with probably won't even be comparable to your curent guy. Ya never know. Just make yourself happy...

I'm Vietnamese & my parents never had this race issue. They just mention to me that as long as he treats me right & loves me then it's okay. I've been with Asian guys,Islanders, Black, & Latino...they just want me to be with someone who treats me right b/c in the end, thats what is really important.
 
#11
Oh I know about Chinese traditional stuffs! Only old fashioned Chinese parents would do that! It sucks but you have to deal with it.. And if you really love him, why don't you fight for him, right?
 
#12
LouisLady-- your parents are so sweet!

As for me... I come from a somewhat traditional Asian family. My parents still maintain strong ties to their Chinese background... they would prefer that I marry someone of the same ethnicity, but they are not opposed to it if I chose not to. I've dated several different guys, from different racial/ethnic backgrounds... but I've never had a relationship serious or long enough to consider bringing the guy home to meet the family. At one point, my parents even had potential suitors, but I felt really weird about the whole matchmaking thing (these guys were already thinking marriage before actually dating!)... and politely declined. I was 22 at the time, and I used the excuse that I was young and still in school... so they understood.

The guy I recently started seeing is originally from India, but grew up in the US. If things progress as I hope, I would definitely bring him to meet my family eventually. Most of the kids of my generation (in my extended family) are currently in interracial relationships or have been in the past... so I think by now, it's widely accepted. I've never really discussed my love life with my parents in recent years... this is the first guy I've had any interest in since the last time I was in a relationship nearly 3 years ago.

If my parents ever threaten to disown me, I would still pursue the relationship... I think they'll come around eventually. I know it's difficult, but I also think you should introduce your bf to your parents and let them know how you feel. Even if they are unhappy, ultimately, you're the one getting married and you want to be with someone right for YOU. They'll just have to learn to accept that fact!
 
#13
How often does your boyfriend meet your parents? How does he get along with them? Does he make efforts to get on their good side?

The one thing he has to do is win your parents over. Trust me, if your parents see that you are marrying a man with integrity and not only showers you with love, but shows them the traditional chinese respect, it'll go a long way. Race doesn't matter in the end to many parents, they need to know that their daughter will be cared for by the man they marry.

I've been in this situation and I can recognize what makes or breaks parents' relationships with one's SO. This kind of approach is not limited to interracial couples, it's for all couples.

I had a non-asian SO who refused to show my parents any respect, instead demanding they show HIM respect. I left with him and my parents were so angry and I was cut off from the family for many years. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last b/c he never met anyone halfway and those were very hard years for me both because of the rift with not just my family but it affected the whole extended family.

Then I met someone who not only loved me, but shows my parents the utmost respect even when I am on the outs with them. He doesn't understand the traditional chinese ways of etiquette so there's a bit of awkwardness at times (i.e. not serving them a big piece of fish or meat at dinner, offering tea, or like saying something crazy, like, everything is delicious at a funeral luncheon :wtf: :wtf: when he's supposed to be sad LOL etc). They love him so much, they'll even defend him over me! But that's okay by me, I'm happy they love him instead of seeing him as the (non-asian) enemy. We've been married 14yrs with 2 kids.
 
#14
That is really sad. I can't imagine going through that. My family is the least rascist family ... I have two Japanese cousins (25%) and a full Taiwanese cousin. And one of my aunts is from the Phillipines. I know that my Japanese cousin's father had an issue when one of them was dating a black guy. But he's divorced from their mom so it wasn't a big deal anyway.

I just think it's so sad. I know that my own husband and his father would freak out if my sister in law wanted to marry a man of any color. It's so sad. They even said they wouldn't go to the wedding. Jerks.

I guess the only thing I can offer is that you have to do what you know is right. Your parents are wrong and that's just the fact. People are people - take their skin off and you can't tell the difference. It's just sad that they can't look past his race/ethnicity.
 
#15
rainrowan said:
Then I met someone who not only loved me, but shows my parents the utmost respect even when I am on the outs with them. He doesn't understand the traditional chinese ways of etiquette so there's a bit of awkwardness at times (i.e. not serving them a big piece of fish or meat at dinner, offering tea, or like saying something crazy, like, everything is delicious at a funeral luncheon :wtf: :wtf: when he's supposed to be sad LOL etc). They love him so much, they'll even defend him over me! But that's okay by me, I'm happy they love him instead of seeing him as the (non-asian) enemy. We've been married 14yrs with 2 kids.
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Showing parents respect is huge, you are so right. My little cousin was dating a punk white kid who was SO rude and disrespectful...not only to her parents but to our grandparents! That's a big no no in my book. I don't care who she dates but he has to be respectful...to her as well. :smile:

I'm am so glad you and your hubby are doing well! :yahoo:
 
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