I don't feel qualified to give you advice on whether or not you should move in with him, but I did want to suggest this - I also don't think it is right that you would be contributing to the morgage payment on a condo that you do not own, but understand not wanting to free-load. So, what about paying half of the utilities? That way you wouldn't be getting free housing, but you also wouldn't be paying for his condo. Just a thought...
Moving in with boyfriend?... opinions wanted
- Thread starter IntlSet
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I don't feel qualified to give you advice on whether or not you should move in with him, but I did want to suggest this - I also don't think it is right that you would be contributing to the morgage payment on a condo that you do not own, but understand not wanting to free-load. So, what about paying half of the utilities? That way you wouldn't be getting free housing, but you also wouldn't be paying for his condo. Just a thought...
Honestly... I think this comes down to a matter of personality and possibly, family environment. Some people could do it and be better off for it, others it probably wouldn't work for...
I moved in with my BF in college 3 MONTHS (yes, months) after meeting him... We really hit it off, and I was having MONDO roommate problems, so when he moved to a new place 3 months after we met, I moved in with him.
We lived together there for 1 1/2 years until I graduated from college, I moved to a different city (he had 1 year left) and we ended up getting married after he graduated. So for me... it worked out great... I knew about all of my DH's good & bad habits before we were married (and he knew mine), but we have a freakishly good connection, and really are like Best Friends... Kinda like the eternal slumber party.
I could see where it wouldn't work for everyone... and I don't know how long it would have been before we moved in together if I hadn't been having roommate issues. I noticed some people mentioned $$, but I need to reread because I didn't see what you said about it... Anyhow, I lived rent free, and I am pretty sure I helped out with utility bills, but... I can't really remember. We've now been married for over a year and a half, and have what I would consider a very fun marriage... Now ask his opinion... and it might vary.
LOL... anyhow, everyone is different - so you have to look at your own situation and decide. I came from a very conservative family, so I was worried about being shunned for it, but it turned out not to be a problem, since they were grateful I didn't have to deal with the roommate situation anymore... and my older sister kinda helped to pave opinions on this too...
I moved in with my BF in college 3 MONTHS (yes, months) after meeting him... We really hit it off, and I was having MONDO roommate problems, so when he moved to a new place 3 months after we met, I moved in with him.
We lived together there for 1 1/2 years until I graduated from college, I moved to a different city (he had 1 year left) and we ended up getting married after he graduated. So for me... it worked out great... I knew about all of my DH's good & bad habits before we were married (and he knew mine), but we have a freakishly good connection, and really are like Best Friends... Kinda like the eternal slumber party. I could see where it wouldn't work for everyone... and I don't know how long it would have been before we moved in together if I hadn't been having roommate issues. I noticed some people mentioned $$, but I need to reread because I didn't see what you said about it... Anyhow, I lived rent free, and I am pretty sure I helped out with utility bills, but... I can't really remember. We've now been married for over a year and a half, and have what I would consider a very fun marriage... Now ask his opinion... and it might vary.
LOL... anyhow, everyone is different - so you have to look at your own situation and decide. I came from a very conservative family, so I was worried about being shunned for it, but it turned out not to be a problem, since they were grateful I didn't have to deal with the roommate situation anymore... and my older sister kinda helped to pave opinions on this too...
my parents met at university when they were 19 and 20, moved in together less than a year after that), got engaged shortly after and got married a year after that. roughly. and i came along nearly a year after the wedding. my mother's mother was very against them living together before they were married, so i think they got engaged sooner than they might have otherwise because of that. apparently the engagement appeased her a little 
. they're still together and happy, and i've never noticed any major bumps in the road. if it's right it's right and i don't think it really matters much if you live together or not, but living together to find out if it's not wrong you can save a lot time, heartache and money compared to getting married and then either sticking it out because you believe marriage is for life, or getting a divorce.
i could never even imagine not living together before getting married, but it's very much a cultural thing. in finland most people move out as soon as they can, i don't know anyone my age (23) living with their parents. and since most people don't have enough money to live on their own (universities don't charge any fees so a huge proportion of people go) a lot of them decide to live with their boyfriend/girlfriend. the same goes for all of scandinavia from what i've gathered. but my parents' serbian friends were shocked when they heard i moved out when i was 20 (i was working abroad between 18-19ish but still technically lived with my parents) and asked what i'd done or why i was so angry with them there it's more common than not to live with your parents until you get married.
. they're still together and happy, and i've never noticed any major bumps in the road. if it's right it's right and i don't think it really matters much if you live together or not, but living together to find out if it's not wrong you can save a lot time, heartache and money compared to getting married and then either sticking it out because you believe marriage is for life, or getting a divorce. i could never even imagine not living together before getting married, but it's very much a cultural thing. in finland most people move out as soon as they can, i don't know anyone my age (23) living with their parents. and since most people don't have enough money to live on their own (universities don't charge any fees so a huge proportion of people go) a lot of them decide to live with their boyfriend/girlfriend. the same goes for all of scandinavia from what i've gathered. but my parents' serbian friends were shocked when they heard i moved out when i was 20 (i was working abroad between 18-19ish but still technically lived with my parents) and asked what i'd done or why i was so angry with them
there it's more common than not to live with your parents until you get married.
I don't like it that you would be paying "rent" and thereby increasing the equity in the condo but not having part ownership of it. That makes him your landlord! You moving into HIS condo is a big imbalance of power. You need to be on a level field with your partner.
That would be a huge concern to me.
That would be a huge concern to me.
i agree with a lot of what people have posted regrading long term goals, landlords, etc. but i can offer some personal expereince. i come from a pretty strict traditional family so when i got engaged to my bf we didnt move in together until the day after we got married (we had been together for 5 years when we got married). by 6 months i knew i was going to get a divorce because we were TOTALLY incompatible. we ended up being married for three years when we got divorced. if i would have just lived with him prior to marriage i woulda been able to move out rather than go through an emotional and economically cripling divorce.
anyway, just my 2 cents. i wish you a lot of luck in whatever you decide to do.
anyway, just my 2 cents. i wish you a lot of luck in whatever you decide to do.
I wouldn't do it. Perhaps it's just my friends' luck, only one friend of mine ended up marrying the bf after living with him - all the other ones ended up in rather messy breakups. The one that ended up marrying the live-in boyfriend, well, they had discussed marriage and had an understanding already. I also don't like the idea of you paying for part of his mortgage without any legal protection ... just being practical here.
It's a tough call - I lived with my DH we were married or engaged, but we had been dating already for 2 years. I think if you haven't been together for very long, I'd think twice - maybe wait till you hit the one year mark and/or if you know things are going to be more serious.
Moving in is a big step, but I am a big supporter of it if you're planning on getting married!
P.S. My dad has the same saying as your mom too! He didn't approve of us living together before we were engaged/married, but to each their own.
Moving in is a big step, but I am a big supporter of it if you're planning on getting married!
P.S. My dad has the same saying as your mom too! He didn't approve of us living together before we were engaged/married, but to each their own.
You should do what you feel comfortable with. You said you were leaning toward no so it appears you have made up your mind?
I DID live with my DH for about 2 months before we got married. We didn't have plans to get married when we moved in together but after we moved in together it just happened. We eloped in Vegas. Also wasn't planned we had just planned a weekend getaway and decided to get married. Sounds cheesy but it was a lovely wedding at Caesar's and yes I did get a real wedding dress and beautiful roses. Amazing what you can plan in Vegas in 1 day! LOL
I DID NOT pay him rent when I moved in with him as the house was his and I didn't feel right about paying his mortgage?!?! Just my thing as he would pay that whether I was there or not. I did however contribute a portion to other living expenses (groceries, water, electricity, etc...). The items that actually went up because of me being there.
I DID live with my DH for about 2 months before we got married. We didn't have plans to get married when we moved in together but after we moved in together it just happened. We eloped in Vegas. Also wasn't planned we had just planned a weekend getaway and decided to get married. Sounds cheesy but it was a lovely wedding at Caesar's and yes I did get a real wedding dress and beautiful roses. Amazing what you can plan in Vegas in 1 day! LOL
I DID NOT pay him rent when I moved in with him as the house was his and I didn't feel right about paying his mortgage?!?! Just my thing as he would pay that whether I was there or not. I did however contribute a portion to other living expenses (groceries, water, electricity, etc...). The items that actually went up because of me being there.
wouldn't you rather go through a messy break-up than a messy divorce? did they break up because they lived together or because they were incompatible? i don't see how living together without going through a religious (or otherwise) ceremony is the ultimate relationship killer. as for "the cow", why would he want it after marriage if having it before makes him run away because he's already had it? i don't buy that. i never thought that was supposed to be the motivation behind getting married
if i were to get married i'd do it for legal reasons, not because i believe i have to be married for my significant other not to just randomly one day decide to leave. if he really wanted to do that he could do it anyway, married or not. i don't see a problem with paying rent - if you didn't live with him you'd only be paying it to someone else (unless of course you're in the position to buy your own place) who would probably be using it to pay his/her mortgage or just to buy lots of barbie dolls for all you know. should you be entitled to part of his house if you break up just because you were a couple? and if you end up getting married (or be common-law spouses but i don't sense that this is something you're considering) wouldn't he put you on the deed anyway?
one of the messiest situations i've come across is one of my parents' friend's divorce (her husband had another family on the side - for five years
) - he didn't put her on the deed and he paid the mortgage and she paid practically all their living expenses - guess who came out on top in that divorce? so i absolutely don't recommed that arrangement. if it's clear you're paying rent you can prove that if you ever need to and it would probably work in your favour in a situation like this should you end up in it, whereas a bunch of receipts for food and dry cleaning isn't going to help you at all.
IntlSet,
I read many of your posts before, and you impress me as intelligent and personable. Thus, I like you a lot, and wish that you would not move in with your BF. Reasons? As already given by many ladies who advise against it. I guess I got hung up with this commitment thing. I regard moving in with your BF is as serious as getting married. If your BF loves you enough to be living with you, he should be committed to spend the rest of his life with you, and put a big rock (I mean girls' best friend) on your finger.
The fact that you are asking us this question means that deep down inside you sense something is wrong with doing so. I cannot explain. The situation is like when the right guy comes along, you can feel it and you know it. There would be no doubt in your mind. You just go ahead do it by instinct and without hesitation.
I read many of your posts before, and you impress me as intelligent and personable. Thus, I like you a lot, and wish that you would not move in with your BF. Reasons? As already given by many ladies who advise against it. I guess I got hung up with this commitment thing. I regard moving in with your BF is as serious as getting married. If your BF loves you enough to be living with you, he should be committed to spend the rest of his life with you, and put a big rock (I mean girls' best friend) on your finger.
The fact that you are asking us this question means that deep down inside you sense something is wrong with doing so. I cannot explain. The situation is like when the right guy comes along, you can feel it and you know it. There would be no doubt in your mind. You just go ahead do it by instinct and without hesitation.
My husband and i lived together 4 years before we got married. There are definitely pros and cons to living together before marriage. For one, depending on the guy it may take longer to get married since you're already practically "married" and if everything is comfortable, why make changes? Also, being that he owns the home it may seem as if he has the "upperhand" in the relationship, especially during arguments, etc. If things go bad, you'd be the one to have to move out, etc. On the upside though, so long as you're both on the same commitmet level living together can be good for your relationship. I'm personally really glad that we lived together, it gave us the opportunity to really get to know one another and there weren't any surprises. We had lived together so long that we had seen one another's good and absolutely wretched sides and were able to work through it. In the end you really have to go with your gut and do what you think is best for your situation.
i have.. i moved in w/ my bf around a year ago, so far has been great. I come from a asian family, and moving in w/ your BF isn't very common. Since we started dating we pratically spend everyday together, finally decided to move out and it's really quite an experience, a good one! Why not try it out to live w/ the person you might get married w/ in the future right?... test it out, see if you can stand each other... EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
It's all just a preperation for your future...
It's all just a preperation for your future...