my husband and I did not live together before marriage and I don't think its a good idea, but I don't judge those who choose to do it 
Living together before marriage?
- Thread starter sailornep5
- Start date
My personal opinion is that everybody should do it, for at least a year.
However, that is based on my own concept of what marriage is. And as is always the case with any discussion related to this topic, we return to that same question, of what marriage means to YOU. And that is not going to necessarily be identical to my own notion!
I agree, though, that it can be easy, especially for younger people, to decide to live together even though they do believe that one day they will meet someone with whom they will spend the rest of their lives, and they also know, on some level, that this is not the person they are going to be with for the rest of their lives. That is my interpretation of "prolonging the doomed relationship." And that is definitely NOT a good idea!
The decision to live together should, in my opinion, be based ideally on two people who pretty much know, in their heart of hearts, that this is the One, and they are going to live together for a year before getting married more or less as a sort of formality, just crossing "t"s and dotting "i"s.
(That's basically what Mr Puff and I did. We essentially "knew" on our first date. We "went together" exclusively for about five years after that first date, then lived together for a year, and later this month, we will celebrate 11 years of marriage!
)
Now in the case of people who both know and acknowledge that they are not going to get married, whether to each other or anybody doesn't matter, as long as both are being honest with themselves and each other, and they decide to live together either for reasons of practicality or because they just want to, that is fine with me, too.
There are others who for whatever reasons, do not want a formalized, on paper marriage, the marriage is in their hearts, and according to their beliefs, not only does it not need, but it should not be, made into any sort of legal and/or religious event. Many couples do in fact, live happily together all their lives without getting married, so according to my beliefs, marriage is in hearts, I personally don't think that in the cosmic scheme of things, it matters whether there are any papers or any religious rituals, therefore I have no problem with people whose hearts are married moving in together.
The key is honesty. With the other person, and with oneself. Just as with marriage itself, no one should either marry or set up housekeeping with someone, or especially have a baby, cherishing illusions and delusions that the other person will "change" as a result, or that it will act as any kind of healing salve or crazy glue to hold together a troubled relationship!
However, that is based on my own concept of what marriage is. And as is always the case with any discussion related to this topic, we return to that same question, of what marriage means to YOU. And that is not going to necessarily be identical to my own notion!
I agree, though, that it can be easy, especially for younger people, to decide to live together even though they do believe that one day they will meet someone with whom they will spend the rest of their lives, and they also know, on some level, that this is not the person they are going to be with for the rest of their lives. That is my interpretation of "prolonging the doomed relationship." And that is definitely NOT a good idea!
The decision to live together should, in my opinion, be based ideally on two people who pretty much know, in their heart of hearts, that this is the One, and they are going to live together for a year before getting married more or less as a sort of formality, just crossing "t"s and dotting "i"s.
(That's basically what Mr Puff and I did. We essentially "knew" on our first date. We "went together" exclusively for about five years after that first date, then lived together for a year, and later this month, we will celebrate 11 years of marriage!
)Now in the case of people who both know and acknowledge that they are not going to get married, whether to each other or anybody doesn't matter, as long as both are being honest with themselves and each other, and they decide to live together either for reasons of practicality or because they just want to, that is fine with me, too.
There are others who for whatever reasons, do not want a formalized, on paper marriage, the marriage is in their hearts, and according to their beliefs, not only does it not need, but it should not be, made into any sort of legal and/or religious event. Many couples do in fact, live happily together all their lives without getting married, so according to my beliefs, marriage is in hearts, I personally don't think that in the cosmic scheme of things, it matters whether there are any papers or any religious rituals, therefore I have no problem with people whose hearts are married moving in together.
The key is honesty. With the other person, and with oneself. Just as with marriage itself, no one should either marry or set up housekeeping with someone, or especially have a baby, cherishing illusions and delusions that the other person will "change" as a result, or that it will act as any kind of healing salve or crazy glue to hold together a troubled relationship!
I lived with mine too before we were married for 1 1/2 years. But we were bothing thinking long term committment/marriage.
I had lived with another boyfriend before my husband and I learned we aren't compatible. We were just too different and couldn't see how different doing activities together here and there. But I think it did prolong the relationship a little since it is more difficult to break up, move out, etc.
Overall I found it positive to do before marriage because it really adjusts your persepective of living with a partner in ways you wouldn't have to deal with just seeing eachother and staying over. You really learn what to expect day to day in a relationship and how to pick battles. If you don't want to do it until married, I would at least look into it once engaged.
We bought a house together after about 8 months, lived together for 7 years, and we've now been married for 12 years. I would never have considered even leaving home until I met my now dh so I think you know whether it's right for you beforehand.
Yes, we knew we were going to get married before we made the decision to live together. As Shimma said, I think you have to have the mindset that the relationship is going to go somewhere. Moving in together kinda just seals the deal I guess. We did everything ass backwards... moved in together, then purchased our house, then got married. We already felt married by the time we actually did it! Of course, I did learn things about my DH while living with him before marriage that I wouldn't have known otherwise~ & hey, I still stuck around, LOL j/k... he's a wonderful man
Not that I have followed my own advise, but I think you should only move in together after you've become engaged.
I don't believe people should live together before marriage. My husband and I did not live together before marriage (well at least we waited until 1 month prior to our wedding after we'd been engaged for almost a year). and I wouldn't want my boys to do it either when they are older.
btw we've been happily married for 15 years and we didn't have to 'test the waters'.....we just knew...
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btw we've been happily married for 15 years and we didn't have to 'test the waters'.....we just knew...
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I lived with a boyfriend for 10 months, and after seeing how much he annoyed me, believe me, it was really, really easy to break up with him. The failing relationship was not prolonged. In fact, if we DIDN't move in together, I may have never seen what a cancer he was. (And I'm not talking about the astrological sign.)
a mentor once said to me that its a relevant to marriage. dating or seeing someone or living in with a partner is all an INTERVIEW to marriage. first you get to know each other which is essentially an interview to see if you two can move onto the next stage. if you feel comfortable then move on to the next and if at any point you don't think your partner is cutting it according to your standards or need then its time to say "next!" Its not mean or anything, its just a sheer reality of it all. Why we do we "date"? to find the of our lives, right? if its so then the "living-in" is just another process of the interview. You are the Interviewer so you can choose however you would like to director the interview. =] hopefully that helps!
of our lives, right? if its so then the "living-in" is just another process of the interview. You are the Interviewer so you can choose however you would like to director the interview. =] hopefully that helps!
My boyfriend told me about a month into the relationship that he'd never live with somebody without marrying them. Of course, it isn't HIM that has to drive back and forth 25 miles every time he wants to see me or pretty much lives out of his car. *sigh* I'm all for it, but whatever. He went and bought a tiny one bedroom condo so it's pretty clear how he sees me in his future. And knowing that he lived with somebody else before makes me wonder what she had that I don't.
My dh and I lived together for about a year and a half before getting married. We were dating long distance for almost a year first, planned on living separately for a while when he first moved down and the within the first few days of his move realized that was just dumb for us - we didn't want to be apart and realized if we lived separately, one of us would basically be living at the other one's home anyway. We celebrate our 10 year anniversary in Oct. and for us, it was the right thing to do.
Personally, I think it's a great idea - you really get to know how things are going to go when you live with someone, including things like spending habits and personal habits that sometimes come as nasty surprises after marriage! I can certainly understand why it's not right for everyone, but the prolonging the bad relationship argument for me only holds so much weight - I know of many people (including myself when I was younger) who stayed in bad relationships for various reasons even when not living with the person.
Of course, both parties have to be for the decision or it's certainly not going to work . . .
Personally, I think it's a great idea - you really get to know how things are going to go when you live with someone, including things like spending habits and personal habits that sometimes come as nasty surprises after marriage! I can certainly understand why it's not right for everyone, but the prolonging the bad relationship argument for me only holds so much weight - I know of many people (including myself when I was younger) who stayed in bad relationships for various reasons even when not living with the person.
Of course, both parties have to be for the decision or it's certainly not going to work . . .
mmm, i lived with my BF of 3 years in england but that was because we were grouped into the same housing (for school abroad). we got along and everything but when fights came about, we were lucky to have our own rooms but it definitely wasn't a good atmosphere for our other flatmates. it can be sweet when you guys cook together and do grocery shopping and stuff ... but i wouldn't live with him before marriage especially now that we're back in NYC. space is good. plus, if marriage does happen for us, we basically have till "death do us part" to do all these things together =)