Friends Divided by Kids v No Kids??

May 11, 2006
1,540
0
San Francisco
Oh I agree. My friends with kids love me for me too. I have several friendships that have more than survived my choice not to have kids, buy a dozen years or more.

However, I still think that they believe I simply can not relate to their lives as Mommies. That the opinion of any childless woman relating to child issues is invalidated.

No bearing on understanding the time kids require, but an underlying assumption that those without kids can not truly understand those with kids.

Which may be true ;) LOL :shame:

But I wonder if any of the many mothers that have commented about maintaining childess friendships can relate to that at any level??? :shrugs:

In other words, to be really blunt:

do those of you with kids believe that those of us without can not understand *you* anymore??? :confused1:
No. I don't believe that. Human emotions and passions are the same whether you are a mom or not. Other mothers might disagree with me on that and I would be interested to hear other points of view.
 

dlg

Member
Jul 5, 2006
915
2
However, I still think that they believe I simply can not relate to their lives as Mommies. That the opinion of any childless woman relating to child issues is invalidated.


I agree with you 100%. It's not necessarily about going out and doing things you used to do. I understand that they can't do that anymore as their priorities have changed. It goes much deeper than that. I completely understand your point. I've given this A LOT of thought over the years as I have observed my sisters, sisters-in-law, friends and co-workers over the years, and A LOT of thought recently because I have 3 friends who are now pregnant.

I am a former teacher with a degree in elementary education with a masters in early childhood education. I am very good with kids (I have lots of neices and nephews), and I taught for several years. I can't tell you how many times I heard "you don't know, you don't have kids." I have also been told that I am to be pitied because I'll never know the joys of motherhood.
 

ShimmaPuff

Sentient IMBUSILE
Oct 12, 2006
9,752
7
Earth
/women that have never had children really can not truly relate to childbirth and the changes that are forever a consequence.
That's fair. And parenthood is, from what I hear ;) a unique experience like no other.

However, there are many experiences that one friend may have had, that are also unique and like no other, yet they are friends with people who have not had that experience!

So I will maintain that it is the actual mechanics and logistics of those consequences, not necessarily an emotional thing on the part of the friend who is a mother that her childless friends are simply no longer friend material, that is responsible for those friendships that do suffer when one becomes a parent.

And I agree with the poster who pointed out that the "suffering" of the friendship doesn't always wait for a baby to arrive, but in many, in fact, I will say most - cases can trace its origins to the days when the relationship with the Significant Other becomes "serious."

THAT's when the availability of the newly enamored friend begins to downturn, especially availability of her alone - without the SO, and as was recently discussed in another thread, brunch with two of your closest girlfriends is one thing. Brunch with two of your closest girlfriends and the newly acquired SO of one of them is a whole different event!

You can compare it, I think, to a friend who moves to a distant state or country. It is not that the feelings between you have changed, but the logistics and circumstances of the life of one of you has! And before you know it, the same thing happens to you, and time passes, and one day before you know it you are astonished to realize just how fortunate you are to have friends you have had for more years than either of you would wish to admit to reporters, should they ask, and maybe you only see each other, or even talk on the phone, occasionally, even very very occasionally.

But you do not love each other any less!
 

pinkish_love

Birkins Hunter
Jun 29, 2006
4,852
2
I totally relate to this topic.. before i got married.. We are group of 3 "best friends" .. one of us got married and whenever we sit.. its all about her and her husband.. then when she got a baby, its all about her and her baby.. what he eats, whats his schedule, etc.. and then she suddenly call me (for example) and ask me why i'm not intouch.. so i say ive been busy.. and the reply i get is that how can u possibly be busy when u r not married and u dont have kids?? :wtf:.. its like i dont have a life if i dont have a husband and a kid..

Ofcourse with time, our relationships faded cause me and my other friend couldnt put up with all of her W$£W%.. anyways.. so when i got married (4yrs now) when ever i speak with my friend the one who didnt get married.. i would never make it all about me and my kids.. and i would never make her feel incomplete..
 

+sonja+

Member
Jul 23, 2006
1,196
1
My friends with kids totally "understand the choice not to have kids", however there is still an element of divide: if you don't have kids, you can't possibly understand them anymore.

No matter how much time spent, or loving the relationship, it seems there is more than an element of "you childless women can not understand those of us with kids", an exclusionary factor, if you will.

Just an observation....
I have to admit I can see there's some fine line between me and my friends - they all have kids now, I dont have. Often I feel like I cant speak out everything I have in my mind as they wouldn't propably understand me totally... priorities and interests have changed, people have changed. Sometimes I dont understand them either, and I can see they think they know something more about life than me, well which propably is true.....?:shrugs:

Of course we are still good friends and have fun when we meet, but we are all just going thru so different things so there's not much common at the time....but it's ok:rolleyes: