Essay Help

3

3nticing_d3sir3

O.G.
Jul 1, 2006
382
33
#1
Im applying for the STEM Program here at my college which is in conjunction with the National Science Foundation. I have to write a 100-200 essay on my career objectives, why I am interested in mathematics, science, or engineering, and why I am interested in participating in the program. I appreciate all comments.

Here is my essay:

In high school, I discovered my passion while working with computers. I was given the responsibility to maintain the Events section of our school’s official website. I was able to combine my creative and technical skills to produce a page that was exciting and engaging. I was hooked! I knew that I wanted to become a web designer.

When I arrived at Spelman the focus of the classes was computer programming. I began to wonder was Computer Science still the major for me. The STEM Scholars program will not only help me financially, but will also allow me to gain more knowledge of the Computer Science field through the mentorship aspect of the program.

Though I have chosen to become a ‘techie’, I realize that I can still impact my community. It is my hope to use my technical skills to help those in impoverished areas. I see my goal as two-fold: I will serve as a role model to minorities who are trying to improve their lives and I will empower others with a valuable skill through increased computer literacy.
 
#2
I began to wonder was Computer Science still the major for me.
Click to expand...

should be

"I began to wonder whether Computer Science was really the major for me."

But I don't know if you want to say that, though. You want to express that it totally is the major for you, that's why you want the STEM program.

What I would suggest is that you try to get ahold of essays that were written by people who got in, to give you an idea of the kind of thing they like, and even more importantly for a science program - how high they set the writing bar.

Sometimes, nerds may be given a break - you are, after all, in there to click, not write great literature.

But it is also possible that the group who will choose which students will get in the particular program you want could contain one or more people who are big on being well-rounded.

If you look at the "winning" essays and find that they are all very well-written, and if in the course of your research on exactly who will be making the decision, you learn that indeed they are of the pro-well-rounded persuasion ;) then what you might do is seize a word person who is familiar with the program you are applying for, and and have them sit down with you, and help you "marry" as best you can, what you want to say with what (you will have by then learned) the decision-makers want to read!
 
#3
3nticing_d3sir3 said:
Im applying for the STEM Program here at my college which is in conjunction with the National Science Foundation. I have to write a 100-200 essay on my career objectives, why I am interested in mathematics, science, or engineering, and why I am interested in participating in the program. I appreciate all comments.
Click to expand...

This is all constructive, and given with lots of hugs and warm fuzzies :tup::smile: (I'm really rooting for you, but there are some changes that need to be made for it to be more effective):

- I think a good kick off point is to list your solid career objectives (there isn't a solid one in your essay), why you are interested in comptuer science (your 1st paragraph is about the events that led you be interested, not why you are interested), and why you are interested in participating in the program (the last sentence in the 2nd paragraph is too passive and weak).

- Once you have that list, you need to rework the essay into a more coherent body with a strong thesis. Write in the active voice that emphasizes YOU and sets you apart from the competition. As it stands, it is a little forgettable, so inject more of your personality into the essay so you stand out. :smile:
 
#4
Rewrite some of your sentences. They tend to be repetitive, starting with "I...," so start with some other words. Good job, so far. Read it out loud and revise where you feel it doesn't sound right. Good luck!
 
#5
I think you have a good start on this. I love how you've started by saying you've discovered your passion. The second paragraph comes across as uncertain to me -- like you're still trying to decide whether or not you've chosen the correct field. Maybe you could explain to your audience why the STEM program is perfect for you? What is it about the program that interests you? What do you hope to gain? What will you bring to the program that will differentiate you from the other candidates? How is the program the next logical step in the path you've chosen? I don't know that your audience will find your appreciation of the financial benefit all that meaningful -- is there something else you could bring to light that would make you stand out more? I like your third paragraph quite a bit. Can you add more detail? How do you plan to use your skills to help those in impoverished areas? Do you plan to teach? Start your own program? Tell your audience specifics about your dreams. Good luck with this -- I know that 100 to 200 words can seem daunting, but you've clearly got some great ideas here and an ability to express them well.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top
Back