This is something I've been struggling with for a few months now, and I really don't have anyone that can speak honestly about it with me, other than my SO.
I have a Grandmother, who is nearing 93 years old. She is a very sweet, good woman, and I love her very much!
For 92, she is in very good shape. She has, however, slowed down quite a bit in the last 6 months. Soon we know that she will not be able to walk (she currently walks very slowly, barely well with a cane); my Mom is in healthcare, and expects it won't be much longer than the end of this year-beginning of next. She lives alone in a house less than 300 yards from my parents house. My parents would never have her in a nursing or retirement home, and my Grandmother has always been dead-firm in staying in her home anyway, as she frequently (pretty much every day) has her friends and church pals over.
A few years ago, she went through a bout of pneumonia. After that, she was weak for a while, and we hired someone to spend the day helping her out. The woman hired was an older lady, and eventually had to turn to carrying for herself, so my Grandmother went back to doing things for herself. My Mom would take her out whenever she wanted to go out (for groceries, clothes shopping, etc.) My Dad (her son) would take her to doctors appointments and such. But after a while, my Mom started to slack off in that area (she went through a big weight loss thing, so she's a bit self-focused right now) and my Dad is so busy with his company that he can't take her much of anywhere anymore.
So it sort of fell on me to take her. Which was just fine with me, because I enjoy taking her places. She's spunky and talkative, and a sweet woman. I take her to the grocery store every two weeks, I take her clothes shopping once or twice a month, to hair appointments, eye appointments, some doctor appointments, bank, etc. We're out at least 1-2 times a week. After a while, my Dad said she couldn't clean her house anymore, so I took over that also, which I do once a week. Then the gardening, the organizing (she keeps her house in flawless shape, every closet in order, no dust anywhere, etc.). I usually do that once week also. Essentially, I became the complete caretaker.
I'm a full-time college student and I also work for my Dad's business. I live about 30 minutes away from my Grandmother, in my own house. I take as many summer classes as I can, so I can graduate at my planned time. So I stay fairly busy, in addition to my duties with my Grandmother.
The problem is this: I love my Grandmother very much, but she has a history with being a bit on the order-ie side. A few teenagers that wanted summer jobs with my Dad have been sent to her house to do work, and have had a good bit of difficulty because she isn't particularly nice to them, and tends to really order people around. She's yelled at two of them before for not doing something the way she wanted it done. She tends to poke her cane at people, and even get a bit loud with store workers when she wants something. She's very intent on still doing things herself, and has fallen a total of 5 times in the last two years trying to do things that she shouldn't, like picking up a piece of lint off her carpet or trying to throw a half a watermelon over the fence. So I can understand her frustration when she's in a store and can't reach something on a shelf because she can't get out of the riding cart. Never mind that I'm there to do it; often she'll ignore my attempts to get the item and order a sales attendant nearby to get it for her.
Sorry, I'm long winded...
Over the last two months, she's kind of started to order me around. I love her, but I feel like sometimes I'm less of her granddaughter and more of her worker bee. She'll have company while I'm over and kind of order me to clean things while I'm there. She used to call and ask me if I'd take her somewhere, and I always said of course, anytime I didn't have school work or a previous commitment to my Dad. But lately...she doesn't really ask anymore. She kind of just calls me and tells me what we're doing and when.
I can't say anything to her, I love her and I'd feel awful. But she tells me sometimes to take her out on days when I just can't, so I end up canceling plans or pushing my school work back to the last minute.
I've never had a problem telling someone no, but when it comes to family...I just can't manage to ever say no :s It's not just with my Grandmother; my Mom has other priorities lately, so when she throws dinner parties or has company over/family, etc., I end up doing all of the cleaning afterwards and often before, because she always asks me to. I end up cooking quite often also, as her diet as made her uninterested now. I tried to ask my parents for a bit of help sometimes or advice, but they said I should make time or that I have time already. My Mom says I should spend all the time I can with her because she may not live much longer. My Dad has offered to pay me for doing it, but the money isn't a concern. He's holding onto some for me regardless, but I don't care to get it from him; she's my grandmother, I don't feel like I should be paid to do things for her.
SO's opinion seems too harsh to me; he thinks she likes to order people around, including me. He thinks my parents say what they say because they don't want the responsibility of taking care of her anymore, which in the case of my Mom I can believe, though I know she doesn't do it maliciously, I just think she's too into herself right now to really consider everything; my Dad because my Grandmother calls him 15 times a day to tell him about so-and-so dying or so-and-so getting married and just generally interrupting his work (Grandma is a bit of a gossip, lol, she knows everyone and stays on the phone most of the day). He says that if I don't have time I should just say no and offer to do it on another day. I don't think she enjoys ordering people around, but I don't know...anyway around, I can't manage to say Grandma, I just can't do it today, can I take you two days, a day, etc. from now?
I guess I'm just not sure what to do; I'm supposed to take her to the Doctor tomorrow, which was fine and I scheduled it on my calendar a month ago (only about a three hour deal, after 12pm), but then she called me today to tell me we were going grocery shopping and such after that. I scheduled my day so that I could finish work on my paper (due very soon), get some typing done for my Dad's business, finish cleaning my house, etc. It wouldn't be a big deal, just the store...but given her condition and stopping for restroom breaks, etc., we can't get out of the grocery store in less than 2 1/2 hours. Tomorrow just isn't the best time for an all day trip out for me. But I just can't say anything to her when she tells me she plans on having me do something for her. I'd be happy to take her in two days, and suggested it, but she said no.
I know I shouldn't be saying anything or complaining, she's 92 and she's a good person, but sometimes I just feel like something isn't right :s Any advice would very much appreciated, but any way around I appreciate being able to just vent to my fellow tPFers! I hope I don't sound like an awful grandchild, I really do love my grandma, but things have just seemed off lately...
I have a Grandmother, who is nearing 93 years old. She is a very sweet, good woman, and I love her very much!
For 92, she is in very good shape. She has, however, slowed down quite a bit in the last 6 months. Soon we know that she will not be able to walk (she currently walks very slowly, barely well with a cane); my Mom is in healthcare, and expects it won't be much longer than the end of this year-beginning of next. She lives alone in a house less than 300 yards from my parents house. My parents would never have her in a nursing or retirement home, and my Grandmother has always been dead-firm in staying in her home anyway, as she frequently (pretty much every day) has her friends and church pals over.
A few years ago, she went through a bout of pneumonia. After that, she was weak for a while, and we hired someone to spend the day helping her out. The woman hired was an older lady, and eventually had to turn to carrying for herself, so my Grandmother went back to doing things for herself. My Mom would take her out whenever she wanted to go out (for groceries, clothes shopping, etc.) My Dad (her son) would take her to doctors appointments and such. But after a while, my Mom started to slack off in that area (she went through a big weight loss thing, so she's a bit self-focused right now) and my Dad is so busy with his company that he can't take her much of anywhere anymore.
So it sort of fell on me to take her. Which was just fine with me, because I enjoy taking her places. She's spunky and talkative, and a sweet woman. I take her to the grocery store every two weeks, I take her clothes shopping once or twice a month, to hair appointments, eye appointments, some doctor appointments, bank, etc. We're out at least 1-2 times a week. After a while, my Dad said she couldn't clean her house anymore, so I took over that also, which I do once a week. Then the gardening, the organizing (she keeps her house in flawless shape, every closet in order, no dust anywhere, etc.). I usually do that once week also. Essentially, I became the complete caretaker.
I'm a full-time college student and I also work for my Dad's business. I live about 30 minutes away from my Grandmother, in my own house. I take as many summer classes as I can, so I can graduate at my planned time. So I stay fairly busy, in addition to my duties with my Grandmother.
The problem is this: I love my Grandmother very much, but she has a history with being a bit on the order-ie side. A few teenagers that wanted summer jobs with my Dad have been sent to her house to do work, and have had a good bit of difficulty because she isn't particularly nice to them, and tends to really order people around. She's yelled at two of them before for not doing something the way she wanted it done. She tends to poke her cane at people, and even get a bit loud with store workers when she wants something. She's very intent on still doing things herself, and has fallen a total of 5 times in the last two years trying to do things that she shouldn't, like picking up a piece of lint off her carpet or trying to throw a half a watermelon over the fence. So I can understand her frustration when she's in a store and can't reach something on a shelf because she can't get out of the riding cart. Never mind that I'm there to do it; often she'll ignore my attempts to get the item and order a sales attendant nearby to get it for her.
Sorry, I'm long winded...
Over the last two months, she's kind of started to order me around. I love her, but I feel like sometimes I'm less of her granddaughter and more of her worker bee. She'll have company while I'm over and kind of order me to clean things while I'm there. She used to call and ask me if I'd take her somewhere, and I always said of course, anytime I didn't have school work or a previous commitment to my Dad. But lately...she doesn't really ask anymore. She kind of just calls me and tells me what we're doing and when.
I can't say anything to her, I love her and I'd feel awful. But she tells me sometimes to take her out on days when I just can't, so I end up canceling plans or pushing my school work back to the last minute.
I've never had a problem telling someone no, but when it comes to family...I just can't manage to ever say no :s It's not just with my Grandmother; my Mom has other priorities lately, so when she throws dinner parties or has company over/family, etc., I end up doing all of the cleaning afterwards and often before, because she always asks me to. I end up cooking quite often also, as her diet as made her uninterested now. I tried to ask my parents for a bit of help sometimes or advice, but they said I should make time or that I have time already. My Mom says I should spend all the time I can with her because she may not live much longer. My Dad has offered to pay me for doing it, but the money isn't a concern. He's holding onto some for me regardless, but I don't care to get it from him; she's my grandmother, I don't feel like I should be paid to do things for her.
SO's opinion seems too harsh to me; he thinks she likes to order people around, including me. He thinks my parents say what they say because they don't want the responsibility of taking care of her anymore, which in the case of my Mom I can believe, though I know she doesn't do it maliciously, I just think she's too into herself right now to really consider everything; my Dad because my Grandmother calls him 15 times a day to tell him about so-and-so dying or so-and-so getting married and just generally interrupting his work (Grandma is a bit of a gossip, lol, she knows everyone and stays on the phone most of the day). He says that if I don't have time I should just say no and offer to do it on another day. I don't think she enjoys ordering people around, but I don't know...anyway around, I can't manage to say Grandma, I just can't do it today, can I take you two days, a day, etc. from now?
I guess I'm just not sure what to do; I'm supposed to take her to the Doctor tomorrow, which was fine and I scheduled it on my calendar a month ago (only about a three hour deal, after 12pm), but then she called me today to tell me we were going grocery shopping and such after that. I scheduled my day so that I could finish work on my paper (due very soon), get some typing done for my Dad's business, finish cleaning my house, etc. It wouldn't be a big deal, just the store...but given her condition and stopping for restroom breaks, etc., we can't get out of the grocery store in less than 2 1/2 hours. Tomorrow just isn't the best time for an all day trip out for me. But I just can't say anything to her when she tells me she plans on having me do something for her. I'd be happy to take her in two days, and suggested it, but she said no.
I know I shouldn't be saying anything or complaining, she's 92 and she's a good person, but sometimes I just feel like something isn't right :s Any advice would very much appreciated, but any way around I appreciate being able to just vent to my fellow tPFers! I hope I don't sound like an awful grandchild, I really do love my grandma, but things have just seemed off lately...
she sounds like a pistol and I'm guessing she has a great sense of humor as well. she may feel like she's being a burden too which may also bring out some hostility. she may feel like people only do things for her when/if she asks. perhaps you can take a few hours on your own and do something nice for her that she hasn't asked for like taking her out to tea or making her a nice brunch and watching a movie with her or just doing something she hasn't asked for. then tell her how much you love her and bring up how busy your life has been with school and everything else. bring her into your world for a minute. then tell her you're sorry if you ever seem tired because of all your responsibility but that you love her to death and she will never be a burden to you. sometimes people just need to be softened up a bit to soften up their behavior.
I wish my Grandmother would let me pick items up for her sometimes; one time we made an hour long trip to the store she requested, I got her in her wheel chair, into the store and into a cart, took the wheel chair back out, and it turns out she only needed 3 things. It wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't such a huge thing to get her in and out of the house/car/and store; I tend to think an excursion like that is most appropriate when we're doing a a full-on grocery shopping trip. The only time I've ever been able to cough up the courage to say "no" is a few weeks ago, when we were clothes shopping. We'd spent four hours in the mall, me pushing her around and dealing with the big bleeding cut I'd mentioned earlier, and she wanted to go to a store an hour away. It had started raining, and the car was parked a long way away. I ran out in the rain to get it, and pulled up the curb. I'd asked her to wait inside for a minute, so she wouldn't get wet. By the time I'd pulled up, she had asked a passer-by to wheel her into the rain, so she was just sitting there getting wet, so I hurried to get her in the car. The curb was at a downhill incline, so I was trying to manage holding onto the wheel chair, an umbrella, and get the door open to the car and help her in. The wheel chair almost slipped from my hands and that could have been bad. I finally got her in and when I went to put the wheelchair in the trunk, it was raining harder and I was soaked. The trunk is high and deep, so I have to lift the chair up and throw it over the edge. The metal was so wet, it slipped from my hands and nearly landed on my feet. It took me forever to get it in. I get in the car, soaked, and my Grandmother just tells me we had better hurry to the store now. The store she's talking about is a long walk in the rain from the car; I just had to tell her I couldn't do it, we both would be soaked and I couldn't handle the chair as easily in those conditions. I felt awful, and she seemed pretty upset 
But hey their elderly & sometimes they just don't take others time, feelings etc in to account.
