More Family Guy:
Peter: Look, d-don't worry, I got it all figured out. We'll move to England. Huh? The worst they got there is, uh...you know, drive-by...arguments.
[cutaway to England, where 2 men are driving]
Driver: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth, the young, upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the United European Commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why, yes, I dare say that's the fellow.
Driver: Oh, let's get him! [they pull up to Reginald and roll down the window] Oh, Reginald? [Reginald looks at him] I disagree! [the car speeds off]
Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait?
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me!
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
[Lois is staring at Peter's backside]
Brian: Are you gonna take that? [pause] LOIS!
Lois: What? oh, Brian, I was, duhuh, I was seein' if the uh...driveway.
Brian: That wasn't even a sentence. You were oogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
Lois: Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, he's become a superficial, egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, does that make me a bad person?
Brian: Yes. Yes, it does make you a bad person!
Joe: What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
Peter: Oh, yeah? Well, according to Paragraph 7, Sentence 3, Word 8 of the Geneva Convention . . . "the". So, tough luck, Swanson.
Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Joe: [talking to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
Lois: Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?
Brian: Piss off!
Lois: What?!
Brian: I'm-I'm sorry, it-it just, feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm-I'm just a bit testy-- [to Meg] STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!!!
Nigel: Bit of an awkward moment, really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
Knight: You love the Middle Ages, don't you?
Peter: Sir, yes, sir!
Knight: The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it!?
Peter: Sir, yes, sir!!
Knight: You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your *****, don't you?!!
Peter: SIR, YES, SIR!!!
[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together.]
Brian: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter: That's what...
Brian: And if you say "that's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.
Peter [at a wine-tasting event; he is drunk and naked]: Hey, hey where-where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off.
Peter: Hey, you know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And, I learned something today...
Lois: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[cutaway]
Peter: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. [Lois glares at him, then starts eating] Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking [she glares at him again] , but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. [now she has a pissed-off look on her face] The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Finally she punches Peter, knocking him out, until nightfall] I awoke several hours later in a daze.
Lois: Before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter: Oh, Lois, can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: Alright, alright, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Chrismas become so complicated? [fills a sock with oranges and swings it like a weapon]
[in a trailer park]
Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Chrismas Eve?
Peter: Yep. Now, here's the plan: [pulls out blueprints] You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: ...Can I buy some pot from you?
Olivia: Pretty exciting.
Stewie: What? The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: Uh, what other thing?
Stewie: You know. The sex... with Simon. Why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it's obvious. You know. Lead with strength, put
your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera.
Stewie: So the sex was good?
Olivia: Oh, shut up, egotistical jerk!
Stewie: You shut up, you sap bellied strumpet!
Olivia: Blimp-headed jackass!
Stewie: Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!
Gene Simmons [on TV]: So if you're a KISS fan, and you live in the Northeast, come out for all five shows of what we're calling "KISS-Stock!"
Peter: Aw, hell, the Northeast? Oh, it's times like this I curse the fact that we live in French Polynesia.
Lois: No, Peter, we're in the Northeast.
Peter: We are? And KISS is comming to the Northeast! Tha-that means...oh...
Lois: That means-
Peter: No no, Lois, don't help me. It means we can do something...
Lois: Come on, Peter, you're almost there...
[timeskip to where Peter is having his teeth cleaned by the dentist.]
Peter: [Peter jumps up from the dentist chair, bumping into the dentist, causing the cleaning tool he is using to stick in his eye] WE CAN GO TO KISS-STOCK!!
Dentist: AAAAAAHHHHH!
[while watching The Count on Sesame Street]
Peter: Have they-they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're... you're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.
Lois: Honey, whadda ya say we, uh, christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl!
Lois: [laughing] That's me!
Peter: You dirty hustler!
Lois: [laughs]
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute!
Lois: [laughs; slightly annoyed] Ok, I get it.
Peter: You foul, venereal disease-carrying, street walking whore!
Lois: All right, that's enough!
[Lois and Peter's second honeymoon has not worked] Peter: Then what are we supposed to do? Admit there's no spark left in our marriage, go home, and become two old people who sit across the table from each other talking about how much they like Total?
Lois: Ooh, I love Total!
Peter: Yeah, so do I! It's so delicious and it's good for us-OH MY GOD, IT'S STARTING ALREADY!
Peter: Hey, hey Chris. When I was in school, you know what we used to do when a teacher gave us a bad grade?
Chris: What?
Peter: We'd egg his house. [gets up from his chair] Come on, where's this bastard live?
Chris: I'll show you! [he and Peter run outside with two cartons of eggs. Outside, Chris points to the door of their house] That's his house!
[Peter and Chris laugh as they throw eggs at the door of the house until Brian opens it]
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Peter: Is that him?
Chris: Yeah!
Peter: Oh, crap! [he and Chris run like hell]
[after Brian hears that he is being reassigned to teaching remedial English]
Brian: Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people. I usually hang out with an idiot.
[cutaway to Peter standing near the stairs with a water hose in bathing suit, as the water from the hose goes down the stairs]
Peter: Brian, Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house. [tries to slide down it, but he falls down it and lands on the floor with his arms twisted. He aches in pain]
Brian: I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything if I do.