need a laugh? c'mon in!

  1. Fee; free to add to this thread if you have something to make us laugh!:biggrin:

    These are some quotes from Larry the Cable Guy:

    1. A day without sunshine is like night.
    2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
    6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
    13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
    19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
    20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
    21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
    22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
    23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
     
  2. :roflmfao:
     
  3. haha! These are funny! I actually did need a laugh today. Thanks!
     
  4. I like them :lol: I reaaally needed a laugh today, to be honest. Wow, kinda cheered me up!
     
  5. The light and sound one is great, hahahaha!
     
  6. Thanks, I needed a laugh. I was going to say this one is my favorite too.:roflmfao:
     
  7. Don't you just love Larry? Those are funny!
     
  8. Funny! :roflmfao:
     
  9. :roflmfao: Thanks Amanda, really cheered me up after a lousy day at work
     
  10. Ha Ha Swank, that's hilarious, I love Larry. I love the one about him going to Petsmart. He asked is it PETS-mart or Pet-SMART cuz he never knows who to make the check out to :roflmfao:
     
  11. Yogi Berra:
    "This is like deja vu all over again."
    "You can observe a lot just by watching."
    "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
    "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
    "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
    "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
    "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
    "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
    "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
    "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
     
  12. More Yogi Berra:
    "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
    "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
    "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
    "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
    "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
    "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
    "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
    "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
    Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
    "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
    "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
    "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
    "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
    "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
    "I made a wrong mistake."
     
  13. Yet more Yogi Berra (sorry I love this guy):
    "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

    "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
    "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
    "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
    "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
    "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
    "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
    "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
    "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
    "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
    "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
    "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
    "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
    "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
    "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
     
  14. Those were hilarious Candace:upsidedown:
     
  15. LOL Candace!