need a laugh? c'mon in!
- Thread starter Swanky
- Start date
From Oscar Wilde:
- Over the piano was printed a notice: Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
- And, after all, what is a fashion? From the artistic point of view, it is usually a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
- He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.
- My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.
- I can resist everything except temptation.
- To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
- If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being immensely over-educated.
- Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One must eat muffins quite calmly, it is the only way to eat them.
- To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each others character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
- Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
From Family Guy:
Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?
Peter: Right here. [Peter drinks]
Quagmire: Heh, you win!
Peter: All right, what do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh, I'm going for the high score.
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag... Oh-ho-ho-ho, I almost walked right into that one.
Judge [after a dramatic sad speech by Peter]: Peter, I believe your words have touched us all. [short pause] I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! [hammers podium]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Man: [bursts through the court wall] OH YEAAAAAH!!!!!!! [everyone looks at him weird, and he slowly backs out of the room]
[at the grocery store]
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Hey, listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons. [she is shown holding 2 melons in front of her chest]
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hang on a second there.
Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters! [she has 2 owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem... Your wife's hot.
Peter: All right that's it!
Meg: Mom, what do you do when you like a boy, but he doesn't even notice you?
Chris [sing-songy]: Meg loves Kevin!
Meg: Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!
Lois: Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around.
Meg: Ugh, such a "mom" answer.
Lois: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a "mom" answer?
Meg: Creepy.
Peter: Look Chris, it's a whole family of wasps! (WASPS)
Man: My, Margaret, what a sub-par ham. [Margaret looks up, shocked]
Margaret: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. [The man looks up, shocked]
Man: Patty, did you know your mother is a whore? [Margaret looks up, shocked]
Peter: Come on, Lois, all I gotta do is have a spiritual vision. I've had one before.
[Flashback to Peter and Brian in the kitchen. Peter is eating cereal]
Oh my God, Brian! There's a message in my Alpha-Bits. It says "OOOOOOOO"!
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
[in the dining room]
Lois [at one end of the table; on the phone]: We're moving back to Quahog just as soon as we can get packed.
Meg [at the other end of the table; on the phone]: Ugh, Quahog? That one-horse town?
[cutaway to an empty street; a horse is standing there]
Horse: Hey, shut up! No, you shut up! No, you shut up! You shut up, you're the one talking. Well, there's no one else here! LOOK, EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP! [gasps] What's that? The wind...
Peter: [to Brian, Meg, Chris and Stewie] You know that one Christmas present you really wanted but didn't get?
Meg: A phone?
Chris: A pony?
Brian: A humidor?
Stewie: A dead Lois?
Lois: [to Quagmire and Cleveland, who are fused together] Well, we just finished off what was left in the kitchen. When I think back on all the food we've wasted in this house...
[cutaway to Peter, kneeling in front of the TV with an open can of beans and a spoon. Magnum P.I. is showing.]
Peter: [holding a spoonful of beans] Here, Tom Sellick. Come on. [tries to "feed" Sellick] Down the hatch. [The show suddenly changes to an image of Johnathan Higgins.] Come on, you- Hey, HEY, HEY!! None for you, Higgins! Tryin' to steal Tom Sellick's food? NO! NO! You've had yours.
Meg: Being a single mother is hard, but the real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie?
Stewie: What's that? Oh, yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!
Meg: This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in three weeks. Well, here's your check, God bless. [the customers pull out big tips for her]
Waitress: Here, honey. [hands Stewie more pancakes]
Stewie: What's this? Blueberries? Oh! Oh, my...that's better than sex!
Peter: Wait a second, that's it. They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I got to do is write "deceased" right here where it says name, and where it says "sex", I'll write "No thanks, I'm dead". It's bulletproof.
Peter [drunkly, on stage]: Hey! Hey, hey, how 'bout that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh?! C'mon! [takes a drink, then puts the bottle in his pocket upside down] What are y-what are you people, stupid?! [The beer spills and wets his crotch. The audience starts laughing uncontrolably] Ah, you like-you like a little abuse, huh?! Yeah, well you guy-you guys are s-stupid and ugly! If there was a stupid and ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose...whichever's funnier! [falls back and passes out]
Stewie [walks over to Brian drinking at a bar]: Oh, here's a pleasant sight: Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog!
Brian: I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment... [vomits] ...and a stomach virus... [falls off stool]...and an inner ear infection.
Lois: I need some excitement!
Peter: What are you talking about? Your life is plenty exciting! For example. [takes out a blowtorch and sets fire to the curtains] There you go. Goodnight!
Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?
Peter: Right here. [Peter drinks]
Quagmire: Heh, you win!
Peter: All right, what do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh, I'm going for the high score.
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag... Oh-ho-ho-ho, I almost walked right into that one.
Judge [after a dramatic sad speech by Peter]: Peter, I believe your words have touched us all. [short pause] I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! [hammers podium]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Man: [bursts through the court wall] OH YEAAAAAH!!!!!!! [everyone looks at him weird, and he slowly backs out of the room]
[at the grocery store]
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Hey, listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons. [she is shown holding 2 melons in front of her chest]
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hang on a second there.
Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters! [she has 2 owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem... Your wife's hot.
Peter: All right that's it!
Meg: Mom, what do you do when you like a boy, but he doesn't even notice you?
Chris [sing-songy]: Meg loves Kevin!
Meg: Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!
Lois: Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around.
Meg: Ugh, such a "mom" answer.
Lois: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a "mom" answer?
Meg: Creepy.
Peter: Look Chris, it's a whole family of wasps! (WASPS)
Man: My, Margaret, what a sub-par ham. [Margaret looks up, shocked]
Margaret: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. [The man looks up, shocked]
Man: Patty, did you know your mother is a whore? [Margaret looks up, shocked]
Peter: Come on, Lois, all I gotta do is have a spiritual vision. I've had one before.
[Flashback to Peter and Brian in the kitchen. Peter is eating cereal]
Oh my God, Brian! There's a message in my Alpha-Bits. It says "OOOOOOOO"!
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
[in the dining room]
Lois [at one end of the table; on the phone]: We're moving back to Quahog just as soon as we can get packed.
Meg [at the other end of the table; on the phone]: Ugh, Quahog? That one-horse town?
[cutaway to an empty street; a horse is standing there]
Horse: Hey, shut up! No, you shut up! No, you shut up! You shut up, you're the one talking. Well, there's no one else here! LOOK, EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP! [gasps] What's that? The wind...
Peter: [to Brian, Meg, Chris and Stewie] You know that one Christmas present you really wanted but didn't get?
Meg: A phone?
Chris: A pony?
Brian: A humidor?
Stewie: A dead Lois?
Lois: [to Quagmire and Cleveland, who are fused together] Well, we just finished off what was left in the kitchen. When I think back on all the food we've wasted in this house...
[cutaway to Peter, kneeling in front of the TV with an open can of beans and a spoon. Magnum P.I. is showing.]
Peter: [holding a spoonful of beans] Here, Tom Sellick. Come on. [tries to "feed" Sellick] Down the hatch. [The show suddenly changes to an image of Johnathan Higgins.] Come on, you- Hey, HEY, HEY!! None for you, Higgins! Tryin' to steal Tom Sellick's food? NO! NO! You've had yours.
Meg: Being a single mother is hard, but the real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie?
Stewie: What's that? Oh, yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!
Meg: This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in three weeks. Well, here's your check, God bless. [the customers pull out big tips for her]
Waitress: Here, honey. [hands Stewie more pancakes]
Stewie: What's this? Blueberries? Oh! Oh, my...that's better than sex!
Peter: Wait a second, that's it. They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I got to do is write "deceased" right here where it says name, and where it says "sex", I'll write "No thanks, I'm dead". It's bulletproof.
Peter [drunkly, on stage]: Hey! Hey, hey, how 'bout that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does, huh? Huh?! C'mon! [takes a drink, then puts the bottle in his pocket upside down] What are y-what are you people, stupid?! [The beer spills and wets his crotch. The audience starts laughing uncontrolably] Ah, you like-you like a little abuse, huh?! Yeah, well you guy-you guys are s-stupid and ugly! If there was a stupid and ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose...whichever's funnier! [falls back and passes out]
Stewie [walks over to Brian drinking at a bar]: Oh, here's a pleasant sight: Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog!
Brian: I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment... [vomits] ...and a stomach virus... [falls off stool]...and an inner ear infection.
Lois: I need some excitement!
Peter: What are you talking about? Your life is plenty exciting! For example. [takes out a blowtorch and sets fire to the curtains] There you go. Goodnight!
More Family Guy:
Peter: Look, d-don't worry, I got it all figured out. We'll move to England. Huh? The worst they got there is, uh...you know, drive-by...arguments.
[cutaway to England, where 2 men are driving]
Driver: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth, the young, upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the United European Commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why, yes, I dare say that's the fellow.
Driver: Oh, let's get him! [they pull up to Reginald and roll down the window] Oh, Reginald? [Reginald looks at him] I disagree! [the car speeds off]
Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait?
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me!
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
[Lois is staring at Peter's backside]
Brian: Are you gonna take that? [pause] LOIS!
Lois: What? oh, Brian, I was, duhuh, I was seein' if the uh...driveway.
Brian: That wasn't even a sentence. You were oogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
Lois: Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, he's become a superficial, egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, does that make me a bad person?
Brian: Yes. Yes, it does make you a bad person!
Joe: What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
Peter: Oh, yeah? Well, according to Paragraph 7, Sentence 3, Word 8 of the Geneva Convention . . . "the". So, tough luck, Swanson.
Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Joe: [talking to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
Lois: Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?
Brian: Piss off!
Lois: What?!
Brian: I'm-I'm sorry, it-it just, feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm-I'm just a bit testy-- [to Meg] STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!!!
Nigel: Bit of an awkward moment, really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
Knight: You love the Middle Ages, don't you?
Peter: Sir, yes, sir!
Knight: The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it!?
Peter: Sir, yes, sir!!
Knight: You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your *****, don't you?!!
Peter: SIR, YES, SIR!!!
[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together.]
Brian: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter: That's what...
Brian: And if you say "that's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.
Peter [at a wine-tasting event; he is drunk and naked]: Hey, hey where-where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off.
Peter: Hey, you know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And, I learned something today...
Lois: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[cutaway]
Peter: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. [Lois glares at him, then starts eating] Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking [she glares at him again] , but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. [now she has a pissed-off look on her face] The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Finally she punches Peter, knocking him out, until nightfall] I awoke several hours later in a daze.
Lois: Before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter: Oh, Lois, can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: Alright, alright, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Chrismas become so complicated? [fills a sock with oranges and swings it like a weapon]
[in a trailer park]
Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Chrismas Eve?
Peter: Yep. Now, here's the plan: [pulls out blueprints] You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: ...Can I buy some pot from you?
Olivia: Pretty exciting.
Stewie: What? The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: Uh, what other thing?
Stewie: You know. The sex... with Simon. Why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it's obvious. You know. Lead with strength, put
your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera.
Stewie: So the sex was good?
Olivia: Oh, shut up, egotistical jerk!
Stewie: You shut up, you sap bellied strumpet!
Olivia: Blimp-headed jackass!
Stewie: Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!
Gene Simmons [on TV]: So if you're a KISS fan, and you live in the Northeast, come out for all five shows of what we're calling "KISS-Stock!"
Peter: Aw, hell, the Northeast? Oh, it's times like this I curse the fact that we live in French Polynesia.
Lois: No, Peter, we're in the Northeast.
Peter: We are? And KISS is comming to the Northeast! Tha-that means...oh...
Lois: That means-
Peter: No no, Lois, don't help me. It means we can do something...
Lois: Come on, Peter, you're almost there...
[timeskip to where Peter is having his teeth cleaned by the dentist.]
Peter: [Peter jumps up from the dentist chair, bumping into the dentist, causing the cleaning tool he is using to stick in his eye] WE CAN GO TO KISS-STOCK!!
Dentist: AAAAAAHHHHH!
[while watching The Count on Sesame Street]
Peter: Have they-they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're... you're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.
Lois: Honey, whadda ya say we, uh, christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl!
Lois: [laughing] That's me!
Peter: You dirty hustler!
Lois: [laughs]
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute!
Lois: [laughs; slightly annoyed] Ok, I get it.
Peter: You foul, venereal disease-carrying, street walking whore!
Lois: All right, that's enough!
[Lois and Peter's second honeymoon has not worked] Peter: Then what are we supposed to do? Admit there's no spark left in our marriage, go home, and become two old people who sit across the table from each other talking about how much they like Total?
Lois: Ooh, I love Total!
Peter: Yeah, so do I! It's so delicious and it's good for us-OH MY GOD, IT'S STARTING ALREADY!
Peter: Hey, hey Chris. When I was in school, you know what we used to do when a teacher gave us a bad grade?
Chris: What?
Peter: We'd egg his house. [gets up from his chair] Come on, where's this bastard live?
Chris: I'll show you! [he and Peter run outside with two cartons of eggs. Outside, Chris points to the door of their house] That's his house!
[Peter and Chris laugh as they throw eggs at the door of the house until Brian opens it]
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Peter: Is that him?
Chris: Yeah!
Peter: Oh, crap! [he and Chris run like hell]
[after Brian hears that he is being reassigned to teaching remedial English]
Brian: Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people. I usually hang out with an idiot.
[cutaway to Peter standing near the stairs with a water hose in bathing suit, as the water from the hose goes down the stairs]
Peter: Brian, Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house. [tries to slide down it, but he falls down it and lands on the floor with his arms twisted. He aches in pain]
Brian: I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything if I do.
Peter: Look, d-don't worry, I got it all figured out. We'll move to England. Huh? The worst they got there is, uh...you know, drive-by...arguments.
[cutaway to England, where 2 men are driving]
Driver: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth, the young, upstart chap who's been touting the merits of the United European Commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why, yes, I dare say that's the fellow.
Driver: Oh, let's get him! [they pull up to Reginald and roll down the window] Oh, Reginald? [Reginald looks at him] I disagree! [the car speeds off]
Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait?
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me!
Peter: Yeah, I think it looks better.
[Lois is staring at Peter's backside]
Brian: Are you gonna take that? [pause] LOIS!
Lois: What? oh, Brian, I was, duhuh, I was seein' if the uh...driveway.
Brian: That wasn't even a sentence. You were oogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
Lois: Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, he's become a superficial, egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Oh, does that make me a bad person?
Brian: Yes. Yes, it does make you a bad person!
Joe: What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
Peter: Oh, yeah? Well, according to Paragraph 7, Sentence 3, Word 8 of the Geneva Convention . . . "the". So, tough luck, Swanson.
Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!
Joe: [talking to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
Lois: Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?
Brian: Piss off!
Lois: What?!
Brian: I'm-I'm sorry, it-it just, feels like forever since I've had a smoke. I'm-I'm just a bit testy-- [to Meg] STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!!!
Nigel: Bit of an awkward moment, really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
Knight: You love the Middle Ages, don't you?
Peter: Sir, yes, sir!
Knight: The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it!?
Peter: Sir, yes, sir!!
Knight: You want to make 16th century mathematician Johannes Kepler your *****, don't you?!!
Peter: SIR, YES, SIR!!!
[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together.]
Brian: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter: That's what...
Brian: And if you say "that's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.
Peter [at a wine-tasting event; he is drunk and naked]: Hey, hey where-where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off.
Peter: Hey, you know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And, I learned something today...
Lois: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[cutaway]
Peter: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. [Lois glares at him, then starts eating] Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking [she glares at him again] , but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. [now she has a pissed-off look on her face] The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Finally she punches Peter, knocking him out, until nightfall] I awoke several hours later in a daze.
Lois: Before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter: Oh, Lois, can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: Alright, alright, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Chrismas become so complicated? [fills a sock with oranges and swings it like a weapon]
[in a trailer park]
Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Chrismas Eve?
Peter: Yep. Now, here's the plan: [pulls out blueprints] You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: ...Can I buy some pot from you?
Olivia: Pretty exciting.
Stewie: What? The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: Uh, what other thing?
Stewie: You know. The sex... with Simon. Why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it's obvious. You know. Lead with strength, put
your best foot forward, et cetera, et cetera.
Stewie: So the sex was good?
Olivia: Oh, shut up, egotistical jerk!
Stewie: You shut up, you sap bellied strumpet!
Olivia: Blimp-headed jackass!
Stewie: Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!
Gene Simmons [on TV]: So if you're a KISS fan, and you live in the Northeast, come out for all five shows of what we're calling "KISS-Stock!"
Peter: Aw, hell, the Northeast? Oh, it's times like this I curse the fact that we live in French Polynesia.
Lois: No, Peter, we're in the Northeast.
Peter: We are? And KISS is comming to the Northeast! Tha-that means...oh...
Lois: That means-
Peter: No no, Lois, don't help me. It means we can do something...
Lois: Come on, Peter, you're almost there...
[timeskip to where Peter is having his teeth cleaned by the dentist.]
Peter: [Peter jumps up from the dentist chair, bumping into the dentist, causing the cleaning tool he is using to stick in his eye] WE CAN GO TO KISS-STOCK!!
Dentist: AAAAAAHHHHH!
[while watching The Count on Sesame Street]
Peter: Have they-they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're... you're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.
Lois: Honey, whadda ya say we, uh, christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl!
Lois: [laughing] That's me!
Peter: You dirty hustler!
Lois: [laughs]
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute!
Lois: [laughs; slightly annoyed] Ok, I get it.
Peter: You foul, venereal disease-carrying, street walking whore!
Lois: All right, that's enough!
[Lois and Peter's second honeymoon has not worked] Peter: Then what are we supposed to do? Admit there's no spark left in our marriage, go home, and become two old people who sit across the table from each other talking about how much they like Total?
Lois: Ooh, I love Total!
Peter: Yeah, so do I! It's so delicious and it's good for us-OH MY GOD, IT'S STARTING ALREADY!
Peter: Hey, hey Chris. When I was in school, you know what we used to do when a teacher gave us a bad grade?
Chris: What?
Peter: We'd egg his house. [gets up from his chair] Come on, where's this bastard live?
Chris: I'll show you! [he and Peter run outside with two cartons of eggs. Outside, Chris points to the door of their house] That's his house!
[Peter and Chris laugh as they throw eggs at the door of the house until Brian opens it]
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Peter: Is that him?
Chris: Yeah!
Peter: Oh, crap! [he and Chris run like hell]
[after Brian hears that he is being reassigned to teaching remedial English]
Brian: Gosh, I was really starting to like this job. It was nice interacting with intelligent people. I usually hang out with an idiot.
[cutaway to Peter standing near the stairs with a water hose in bathing suit, as the water from the hose goes down the stairs]
Peter: Brian, Brian, check it out. I made a water slide in the house. [tries to slide down it, but he falls down it and lands on the floor with his arms twisted. He aches in pain]
Brian: I'm not gonna call the hospital because you won't learn anything if I do.
Even More Family Guy:
Lois: So, Chris, how's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman cup.
Lois: Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control. I mean, what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter: No Coke. Pepsi! [he laughs; Lois walks away in disgust] Oh, come on, you set me up for that one!
Stewie: [voice pitch increases with every sentence] How you, uh, how you coming on that novel...you working on, huh? Got a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a, got a nice little, nice little story you're working on there...your big novel you’ve been working on for three years. Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist, huh? Got an obstacle for him to overcome, huh? Little story brewing there...working on...working on that for quite some time, huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago, huh? Been working on that the whole time? Nice little, uh, narrative--beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? Yeah? At the end your, uh, main character is, uh, richer for the experience? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? You got a--[voice returns to normal] no, no, you deserve some time off.
Lois [in prison, to Peter]: I-I guess I was stealing, because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire [popping up in the background]: Oh, God!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Quagmire [dancing and clapping]: Oh, GOD!!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Quagmire [spazzing out]: OH, GOOOOOOD!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just going to have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
Spanish Woman: Donde demonios estabas? Es mas de la una y media de la manana.
Spanish Quagmire: Eso no significa que no giggety pueda vivir, maldita sea giggety.
Spanish Woman: A veces me pones furiosa.
Spanish Quagmire: No puedo hablar contigo giggety cuando te pones asi. Me voy a ver los toros. Giggety, giggety, giggety.
Subtitles: "Where the hell have you been? It's one thirty in the morning." "Don't take that tone with me. I was out drinking with the guys." "You make me absolutely furious sometimes"
"Ah, I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'm going to watch the bullfight.
Actual Translation: "Where the hell were you? It's after one thirty in the morning."
"It's not so significant that [giggity] you cannot live your life, damn it [giggety]"
"You make me furious sometimes"
"Ah, I can't talk to you [giggity] when you're like this. I want to see the bulls. [Giggity, giggity, giggity.]"
Peter: Boy, this place sure has changed since Pawtucket Pat sold it.
Brewery employee: So this is where you'll be working, Mr. Griffin. Oh, and I should mention, employees are welcome to free Pawtucket Ale. We just ask that you don't drink during your shift.
Peter: That won't be a problem, sir.
Brewery employee: Great. Well I'll be right back with your ID badge. [walks through a door, then walks out to see Peter naked holding a bottle of beer] Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants?
Peter: Oh, look who's here, Mr. "I don't have time for your little league games. Come here, you son of a *****! [throws the bottle of beer which then breaks. He holds on to the employee's shoulders, crying] Why do you close your eyes when we make love? [continues to cry]
Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of [HONK]! What?! Now I can't say [HONK] in my own [HONK] house?! [HONK] great, Lois. Just [HONK] great. You know, you're lucky you're good at [HONK] my [HONK] or I'd never put up with ya. You know what I'm talking about, when you [HONK] a lubed-up [HONK] toothpaste in my [HONK] while you [HONK] on a cherry [HONK] Episcopalian [HONK] extension cord [HONK] wetness [HONK] with a parking ticket. That is the best!
Stewie: I read your article too, Brian. Seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time [voice suddenly becomes high] working on that novel you've been working on. [really high] Do you know what I me.... [Brian hits Stewie with a book]
Lois: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie: You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud.
Lois: So I was thinking we could--
Stewie: [singing very loudly] STREAKS ON THE CHINA, NEVER MATTERED BEFORE, WHO CARED? WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!
Brian: [panting] Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten-thousand signatures! I've been up for twenty-four hours, I paid off a few people, and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of.
[cutaway to Brian watching Sex and the City with two gay men so they will sign his petition]
So...it's a show about three hookers and their mom?
Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Huh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with-with your little outfits. Y'know? You're u-you're up there jumping around, and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So... y'know, what am I supposed to do? What do-what do-what do you want? Y'know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to-- why-why you're leaping around there, throwing those things all up in, over there on my face? Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want! Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothin'. You want nothin'! All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and-and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is, i-is-is-is just bogus.
Stewie [drunk]: I can't believe you saved all those. [olives]
Brian [drunk]: Lo-Lois, Lo-Lo, you-you think Lois will like these?
Stewie: You love Lois!
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Uh, you know what? Uh, g-give me your keys.
Brian: Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm fi... I'm driving... I'm okay. What?
Stewie: Yeah-no, no, give me your keys. Give me your keys, you're too drunk. Peter, Meg, Brian, you're too-Brian, you're too drunk, to drive.
Brian: Uh, I-I, I a-am...uh, you're right.
Brian: Are you alright?
Stewie [shouting]: NEVER BETTER! I GOT SOME PEP PILLS FROM A TRUCKER AT THE LAST STOP! KEEPS ME AWAKE!
Brian: You took pills?
Stewie: WEST COAST TURNAROUNDS! TRUCKER SAID TO ONLY TAKE ONE BUT I TOOK ALL OF THEM!
Brian: Look, maybe you should slow down.
Stewie: WHY?! WE'RE MAKING GOOD TIME!
Brian: We're not even on the road.
Stewie: HUH?!
Brian: I said we're not even on the road!
Stewie: DON'T NEED TO BE! COMPASS SAYS "WEST"! THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADED!
Brian: Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert.
Stewie: I KNOW! IMAGINE THE NADS ON THOSE GUYS WHO DID THIS IN A WAGON! PIONEERS, BRIAN! WE SHARE THEIR SPIRIT! MANIFEST DESTINY!
Brian: Alright, that's it! Give me the wheel!
Stewie: GO TO HELL!!!
Stu [nervously]: I-I'm sorry, that's, um... that's never happened to me before.
Fran [sarcastically]: Which part-- the eight seconds of sex or the forty minutes of crying?
Stu: Uh, I guess both. [pause] Do I... do I give you money or something?
Fran: Yeah, I'm gonna go. [leaves]
Lois: So, Chris, how's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman cup.
Lois: Peter, I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control. I mean, what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter: No Coke. Pepsi! [he laughs; Lois walks away in disgust] Oh, come on, you set me up for that one!
Stewie: [voice pitch increases with every sentence] How you, uh, how you coming on that novel...you working on, huh? Got a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a, got a nice little, nice little story you're working on there...your big novel you’ve been working on for three years. Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist, huh? Got an obstacle for him to overcome, huh? Little story brewing there...working on...working on that for quite some time, huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago, huh? Been working on that the whole time? Nice little, uh, narrative--beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? Yeah? At the end your, uh, main character is, uh, richer for the experience? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? You got a--[voice returns to normal] no, no, you deserve some time off.
Lois [in prison, to Peter]: I-I guess I was stealing, because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire [popping up in the background]: Oh, God!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Quagmire [dancing and clapping]: Oh, GOD!!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Quagmire [spazzing out]: OH, GOOOOOOD!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just going to have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
Spanish Woman: Donde demonios estabas? Es mas de la una y media de la manana.
Spanish Quagmire: Eso no significa que no giggety pueda vivir, maldita sea giggety.
Spanish Woman: A veces me pones furiosa.
Spanish Quagmire: No puedo hablar contigo giggety cuando te pones asi. Me voy a ver los toros. Giggety, giggety, giggety.
Subtitles: "Where the hell have you been? It's one thirty in the morning." "Don't take that tone with me. I was out drinking with the guys." "You make me absolutely furious sometimes"
"Ah, I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'm going to watch the bullfight.
Actual Translation: "Where the hell were you? It's after one thirty in the morning."
"It's not so significant that [giggity] you cannot live your life, damn it [giggety]"
"You make me furious sometimes"
"Ah, I can't talk to you [giggity] when you're like this. I want to see the bulls. [Giggity, giggity, giggity.]"
Peter: Boy, this place sure has changed since Pawtucket Pat sold it.
Brewery employee: So this is where you'll be working, Mr. Griffin. Oh, and I should mention, employees are welcome to free Pawtucket Ale. We just ask that you don't drink during your shift.
Peter: That won't be a problem, sir.
Brewery employee: Great. Well I'll be right back with your ID badge. [walks through a door, then walks out to see Peter naked holding a bottle of beer] Mr. Griffin, what happened to your pants?
Peter: Oh, look who's here, Mr. "I don't have time for your little league games. Come here, you son of a *****! [throws the bottle of beer which then breaks. He holds on to the employee's shoulders, crying] Why do you close your eyes when we make love? [continues to cry]
Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of [HONK]! What?! Now I can't say [HONK] in my own [HONK] house?! [HONK] great, Lois. Just [HONK] great. You know, you're lucky you're good at [HONK] my [HONK] or I'd never put up with ya. You know what I'm talking about, when you [HONK] a lubed-up [HONK] toothpaste in my [HONK] while you [HONK] on a cherry [HONK] Episcopalian [HONK] extension cord [HONK] wetness [HONK] with a parking ticket. That is the best!
Stewie: I read your article too, Brian. Seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time [voice suddenly becomes high] working on that novel you've been working on. [really high] Do you know what I me.... [Brian hits Stewie with a book]
Lois: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie: You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud.
Lois: So I was thinking we could--
Stewie: [singing very loudly] STREAKS ON THE CHINA, NEVER MATTERED BEFORE, WHO CARED? WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!
Brian: [panting] Mayor West, you have to look at this. Ten-thousand signatures! I've been up for twenty-four hours, I paid off a few people, and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of.
[cutaway to Brian watching Sex and the City with two gay men so they will sign his petition]
So...it's a show about three hookers and their mom?
Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Huh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with-with your little outfits. Y'know? You're u-you're up there jumping around, and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So... y'know, what am I supposed to do? What do-what do-what do you want? Y'know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to-- why-why you're leaping around there, throwing those things all up in, over there on my face? Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want! Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothin'. You want nothin'! All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and-and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is, i-is-is-is just bogus.
Stewie [drunk]: I can't believe you saved all those. [olives]
Brian [drunk]: Lo-Lois, Lo-Lo, you-you think Lois will like these?
Stewie: You love Lois!
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Uh, you know what? Uh, g-give me your keys.
Brian: Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm fi... I'm driving... I'm okay. What?
Stewie: Yeah-no, no, give me your keys. Give me your keys, you're too drunk. Peter, Meg, Brian, you're too-Brian, you're too drunk, to drive.
Brian: Uh, I-I, I a-am...uh, you're right.
Brian: Are you alright?
Stewie [shouting]: NEVER BETTER! I GOT SOME PEP PILLS FROM A TRUCKER AT THE LAST STOP! KEEPS ME AWAKE!
Brian: You took pills?
Stewie: WEST COAST TURNAROUNDS! TRUCKER SAID TO ONLY TAKE ONE BUT I TOOK ALL OF THEM!
Brian: Look, maybe you should slow down.
Stewie: WHY?! WE'RE MAKING GOOD TIME!
Brian: We're not even on the road.
Stewie: HUH?!
Brian: I said we're not even on the road!
Stewie: DON'T NEED TO BE! COMPASS SAYS "WEST"! THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADED!
Brian: Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert.
Stewie: I KNOW! IMAGINE THE NADS ON THOSE GUYS WHO DID THIS IN A WAGON! PIONEERS, BRIAN! WE SHARE THEIR SPIRIT! MANIFEST DESTINY!
Brian: Alright, that's it! Give me the wheel!
Stewie: GO TO HELL!!!
Stu [nervously]: I-I'm sorry, that's, um... that's never happened to me before.
Fran [sarcastically]: Which part-- the eight seconds of sex or the forty minutes of crying?
Stu: Uh, I guess both. [pause] Do I... do I give you money or something?
Fran: Yeah, I'm gonna go. [leaves]
Still More Family Guy:
Mayor West: Alright cats, back in the bag. Come on Fluffy, come on Mittens, come on Paul. [starts laughing] W-what a ridiculous name for a ca-at. PAUL! That's a person's name! A person's name! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Oh! Paul...
Lois: That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not.
Peter [child-like] NO!
Lois: I wasn't askin' your permission. [she moves closer to him, Peter throws the lamp at her; she knocks it away, she pounces on him. All we can see is him pulling away and hear Lois grunting]
Peter: No! No! No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord! NO! NOOOO! [crying] AHHH! NO! Ahhhh-- oh, I see what you're drivin' at.
Stewie: No, no, it's..it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night [pauses] [under breath, looking away] and that's all we had last night...
Olivia: [annoyed] Well, what does that mean?
Stewie: Oh I don't know, Olivia, uh, maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage. We have yet to have sex!
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie: That's not the point, uh, don't change the...it's a kind of cake?
[A giraffe has his head inside Quagmire's window]
Quagmire: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. That-w-what-hey, hey, hey! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get out of here!
Stewie: Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece?
Brian: Uh... sure.
Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool "Hwhip"?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean, Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it-- Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say "whip".
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say "Cool Whip".
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
Meg: Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a "hwhile".
Brian: Well, I don't know if- wait, what?
Meg: We're gonna be here for a hwhile.
Brian: A "hwhile"?
Meg: Yeah, a hwhile.
Brian: You mean a while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: Brian, you're acting "hweird".
Brian: Aw, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.
[after beating up Chris' bully]
Brian: Hey, Peter.
Peter [talking cautiously]: Hey, what's going on?
Brian: Is something wrong?
Peter: No, no, no-no-no, no, e-everything's-everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but, uh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. [phone rings. Lois answers it]
Lois [from the kitchen]: Hello? Peter did WHAT?!
Peter: [stretches] Well, I'd best be getting to work.
Brian: It's nighttime.
Peter: Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. [runs outside and climbs up a tree to hide from Lois]
Lois: Peter, you get down from that tree this instant!
Peter: No! You're gonna yell at me!
Lois: You're damn right I'm gonna yell at you. You beat up a thirteen-year-old boy!
Peter: He called me names!
Lois: You're 43, and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation!
Peter: Well, maybe you shoulda just had an abortion, Lois. Would that make you happy if I was never born?!
Lois: What?!
Peter: I'm going to prison, aren't I?
Mayor West: Alright cats, back in the bag. Come on Fluffy, come on Mittens, come on Paul. [starts laughing] W-what a ridiculous name for a ca-at. PAUL! That's a person's name! A person's name! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Oh! Paul...
Lois: That is it. I am gonna have regular sex with you whether you like it or not.
Peter [child-like] NO!
Lois: I wasn't askin' your permission. [she moves closer to him, Peter throws the lamp at her; she knocks it away, she pounces on him. All we can see is him pulling away and hear Lois grunting]
Peter: No! No! No, I'm abstinent! This is an affront to the Lord! NO! NOOOO! [crying] AHHH! NO! Ahhhh-- oh, I see what you're drivin' at.
Stewie: No, no, it's..it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night [pauses] [under breath, looking away] and that's all we had last night...
Olivia: [annoyed] Well, what does that mean?
Stewie: Oh I don't know, Olivia, uh, maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage. We have yet to have sex!
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie: That's not the point, uh, don't change the...it's a kind of cake?
[A giraffe has his head inside Quagmire's window]
Quagmire: Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. That-w-what-hey, hey, hey! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get out of here!
Stewie: Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece?
Brian: Uh... sure.
Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool "Hwhip".
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool "Hwhip"?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean, Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it-- Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say "whip".
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say "Cool Whip".
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
Meg: Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a "hwhile".
Brian: Well, I don't know if- wait, what?
Meg: We're gonna be here for a hwhile.
Brian: A "hwhile"?
Meg: Yeah, a hwhile.
Brian: You mean a while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: Brian, you're acting "hweird".
Brian: Aw, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it.
[after beating up Chris' bully]
Brian: Hey, Peter.
Peter [talking cautiously]: Hey, what's going on?
Brian: Is something wrong?
Peter: No, no, no-no-no, no, e-everything's-everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but, uh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. [phone rings. Lois answers it]
Lois [from the kitchen]: Hello? Peter did WHAT?!
Peter: [stretches] Well, I'd best be getting to work.
Brian: It's nighttime.
Peter: Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy. [runs outside and climbs up a tree to hide from Lois]
Lois: Peter, you get down from that tree this instant!
Peter: No! You're gonna yell at me!
Lois: You're damn right I'm gonna yell at you. You beat up a thirteen-year-old boy!
Peter: He called me names!
Lois: You're 43, and you just assaulted our neighbor's child. This is a very serious situation!
Peter: Well, maybe you shoulda just had an abortion, Lois. Would that make you happy if I was never born?!
Lois: What?!
Peter: I'm going to prison, aren't I?
This is the last one, I swear . . . .
Stewie [whispers]: I love you.
Brian: What? What'd you say?
Stewie: Uh, olive juice.
Brian: Olive juice?
Stewie [whispers]: Olive juice you, too.
Meg: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertianed! That was a great story!
Chris: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I-I don't know if people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter: Oh, really? Define "decent".
Chris: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter: Well, yeah, but double ten people is, like, twenty people, so, I mean, what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?
Chris: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter: Uh, I-I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter: And-and besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? Wh-what is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yay, tune me in to that.
Chris: Ohhhh, so you do know the show?
Peter: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
Chris: You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
Peter: You know, when you talk, you sound alot like my father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt.
Dr. Hartman: Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine! [Carter walks into the scene holding a cup]
Carter: Here's my urine sample. Doctor.
Dr. Hartman: Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Oh, hi, Peter.
Dr. Hartman: You know, Peter says we sound alike.
Carter: Really, I don't hear it.
Dr. Hartman: Actually, I think I do hear it now.
Carter: Really?
Dr. Hartman: Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interactions, so I've never noticed it.
Carter: Hey, I think I hear it, too!
Dr. Hartman: Seems lazy, doesn't it?
Carter: Well, there's only so many voices in the world. Some of them are bound to be similar.
[Stewie walks in with a wagon filled with various weapons and torturing devices]
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! when she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!
Brian [mildly interested]: Okay...
Stewie: Then I'm gonna make her walk on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back!
Brian [leans closer, more interested]: Uh, and then what are you gonna do?
Stewie: Uh, let's see...
Brian [eagerly]: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian [lustfully]: Yeah, she's been a bad girl.
Stewie: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brassiere
Brian: Oh, ho-ho!
Stewie: What?
Brian: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!
Stewie: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
Brian: Maybe you'll handcuff her; She'll hate that.
Stewie: Then I shall do that as well!
Brian: And call her a *****.
Stewie: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop.
Stewie: Yes, and then--what?
Brian: No, I mean, that-that would, like-That, that would show her!
[a dramatic pause; a gunshot is heard, Lois is unhurt, Stewie looks down at his bleeding chest, another shot is heard and hits Stewie in the head; Peter is seen holding a smoking gun]
Peter: It's just been revoked!
Brian: Uh, Peter, we didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh... I'll have what she's having!
Brian: That's... better?
[Stewie has won the respect or the popular kids]
Stewie: Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.
[cutaway to Will Smith recording a rap song]
Will Smith: Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,
I take 'em to the park or maybe a museum,
And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready,
Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what!
Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job,
So you can help pay for school supplies,
A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"
Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house,
Someone just cleaned that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!
Stewie [whispers]: I love you.
Brian: What? What'd you say?
Stewie: Uh, olive juice.
Brian: Olive juice?
Stewie [whispers]: Olive juice you, too.
Meg: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertianed! That was a great story!
Chris: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I-I don't know if people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter: Oh, really? Define "decent".
Chris: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter: Well, yeah, but double ten people is, like, twenty people, so, I mean, what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?
Chris: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter: Uh, I-I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter: And-and besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? Wh-what is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yay, tune me in to that.
Chris: Ohhhh, so you do know the show?
Peter: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
Chris: You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
Peter: You know, when you talk, you sound alot like my father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt.
Dr. Hartman: Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine! [Carter walks into the scene holding a cup]
Carter: Here's my urine sample. Doctor.
Dr. Hartman: Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Oh, hi, Peter.
Dr. Hartman: You know, Peter says we sound alike.
Carter: Really, I don't hear it.
Dr. Hartman: Actually, I think I do hear it now.
Carter: Really?
Dr. Hartman: Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interactions, so I've never noticed it.
Carter: Hey, I think I hear it, too!
Dr. Hartman: Seems lazy, doesn't it?
Carter: Well, there's only so many voices in the world. Some of them are bound to be similar.
[Stewie walks in with a wagon filled with various weapons and torturing devices]
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me! when she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her fingernails! Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed!
Brian [mildly interested]: Okay...
Stewie: Then I'm gonna make her walk on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back!
Brian [leans closer, more interested]: Uh, and then what are you gonna do?
Stewie: Uh, let's see...
Brian [eagerly]: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian [lustfully]: Yeah, she's been a bad girl.
Stewie: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brassiere
Brian: Oh, ho-ho!
Stewie: What?
Brian: No, no, nothing, nothing. That's-thats all part of your diabolical plan to... humiliate her!
Stewie: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated!
Brian: Maybe you'll handcuff her; She'll hate that.
Stewie: Then I shall do that as well!
Brian: And call her a *****.
Stewie: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop.
Stewie: Yes, and then--what?
Brian: No, I mean, that-that would, like-That, that would show her!
[a dramatic pause; a gunshot is heard, Lois is unhurt, Stewie looks down at his bleeding chest, another shot is heard and hits Stewie in the head; Peter is seen holding a smoking gun]
Peter: It's just been revoked!
Brian: Uh, Peter, we didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh... I'll have what she's having!
Brian: That's... better?
[Stewie has won the respect or the popular kids]
Stewie: Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.
[cutaway to Will Smith recording a rap song]
Will Smith: Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,
I take 'em to the park or maybe a museum,
And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready,
Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what!
Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job,
So you can help pay for school supplies,
A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"
Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house,
Someone just cleaned that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!
American Dad!:
Hayley: Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
Stan: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
Steve: Hilary, could you pass the salt?
Stan: [holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.
Stan: Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
Steve: You said, "Look out for the mines."
Stan: I said, "Look out for the mines."
Francine: Hayley, why don't you say grace?
Hayley: I'll pass.
Steve: Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"
Stan: [clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.
[Francine is pointing a gun at Stan to get him to release their neighborhood from their backyard]
Francine: Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!
Stan: Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!
Steve: [after holding hands with Betsy] I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!
[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!
Stan: [alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]
Hayley: Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
Stan: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
Steve: Hilary, could you pass the salt?
Stan: [holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.
Stan: Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
Steve: You said, "Look out for the mines."
Stan: I said, "Look out for the mines."
Francine: Hayley, why don't you say grace?
Hayley: I'll pass.
Steve: Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"
Stan: [clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.
[Francine is pointing a gun at Stan to get him to release their neighborhood from their backyard]
Francine: Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!
Stan: Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!
Steve: [after holding hands with Betsy] I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!
[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!
Stan: [alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]
Love this thread, great idea Swanky!! I'm always up for a good laugh!I have the "365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" calendar and they always put a dorky smile on my face every morning when I read it. I'll have to post a few sometime.