My husband hates my bag compulsion!

[Emily1830]

Girl, I hear you. I have always loved beautiful things but my husband is very, very plain and doesn't care at all about clothes or shoes. He also is very frugal and unlike most men, doesn't even have a vice for me to use to my advantage. So yes, we have had fights about bags. (Thankfully he is more forgiving about shoes and clothes.)

In the past we have had to have prolonged discussions about large purchases such as my Chanel bags or my Cartier watch. I have to agree to wait a certain amount of time before purchasing another bag (at one point I waited three years). While it kills me to do this, I know it is a compromise. He won't freak out as much and I can still buy my luxury goods.

I think having a long, honest and open conversation about both of your feelings will help. Explain to him how you feel and ask him what you can do to assuage his feelings, whether that be to buy less or do something else to help him feel heard.

 

[Breadnbrie]

I totally relate and empathize. Most people say "well there must be something he spends money on that you don't agree with" but with my husband, the only indulgences he spends on are vacations and experiences for the two of us. And while we were engaged, he took a large sum from his savings to pay about half of my graduate school loans! I felt guilty trying to explain my handbag indulgence to the most practical, but generous, person I know.

The key for us was MANY long discussions and compromise. We made a deal that as long as I stick to a budget (x amount of money put aside every month), and if I'm using money I made from overtime work or bonuses, he can't say anything. It does take a little longer now and I can't just buy bags willy nilly, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I love my bags, but I love my husband more.

 

[sfmel]

I totally relate and empathize. Most people say "well there must be something he spends money on that you don't agree with" but with my husband, the only indulgences he spends on are vacations and experiences for the two of us. And while we were engaged, he took a large sum from his savings to pay about half of my graduate school loans! I felt guilty trying to explain my handbag indulgence to the most practical, but generous, person I know.

The key for us was MANY long discussions and compromise. We made a deal that as long as I stick to a budget (x amount of money put aside every month), and if I'm using money I made from overtime work or bonuses, he can't say anything. It does take a little longer now and I can't just buy bags willy nilly, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I love my bags, but I love my husband more.

I know, right?

And the thing is, even if I can afford these bags, the question is, should I? I mean, I was travelling in south America a few years ago, and I realized that much of the world will never have a meal that costs 20 dollars. And of course, this is true and not surprising, but I think about this when I'm tempted to purchase an obscenely expensive bag. It raises the issue of my value system, and what is it I'm trying to prove with these purses?

I have thought about this, and I think I just like them, kind of like certain men like cars, or others collect baseball cards. It's certainly not to impress people, because in fact, I doubt they ever do impress anyone. And basically I'm aligned with my husband on general principles of money and finance, and environmental resources, etc.

I have few vices myself, so I think he's coming around. I just try to do my best...

Thanks for your comments!

 

[applecidered]

I think overall it's not so much about the handbags but how compatible both of you are financially speaking. It seems like the two of you disagree on financial matters and how you spend your money. And that's okay, every couple will disagree about purchases, whether as simple as toilet paper and the cable bill to luxury handbags and sports cars.

I think the way he is making you feel is wrong. He should be understanding about your likes and dislikes. And it's not practical that if you really love a handbag and want to buy it and it's within your means, I don't see why he should be sour grapes about it.

Maybe you've answered this already, but if you're making your own money, why should he have such a strong influence on what you do with it? And even if you don't make your own money, he should understand that part of the deal about having a stay at home is that you're taking on a load of work that allows him to make the money he does now. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

 

[Puzzeleddad]

Awesome!

I don't mind my wife's obsession...she regulary asks me which ones i like whats the big deal?

 

[Breadnbrie]

I have thought about this, and I think I just like them, kind of like certain men like cars, or others collect baseball cards. It's certainly not to impress people, because in fact, I doubt they ever do impress anyone. And basically I'm aligned with my husband on general principles of money and finance, and environmental resources, etc.

Haha, same. Bags just make me happy. I love carrying them and seeing them on my desk and thinking, yeah I worked damn hard for that. The last bag I bought using our "system", he was actually happy for me instead of looking shocked and horrified like the first time he found out how much designer bags can cost, lol. Discussing spending strategy in concrete terms that we both agreed to helped lots. I would advise the same if you haven't done so already. You guys seem compatible so I'm sure he will come around.

I think the way he is making you feel is wrong. He should be understanding about your likes and dislikes. And it's not practical that if you really love a handbag and want to buy it and it's within your means, I don't see why he should be sour grapes about it.

Maybe you've answered this already, but if you're making your own money, why should he have such a strong influence on what you do with it?

With respect, why shouldn't he have a strong influence, if they're married and we assume they have shared finances and aren't millionaires? (Unless these assumptions are incorrect or course.)

I think the price tag on some of these bags moves this beyond a simple issue of 'likes and dislikes', particularly if you're sharing finances. It wouldn't be an issue if the couple is already very wealthy, but most people just don't fall into that bracket. There are always more practical things that need taking care of- in our case for example, house down payment, the last leg of student loans, setting aside money for care of aging parents, saving for kids, traveling before kids, etc. A 2-10k+ handbag just isn't a comparable vice to a $200 bag, or even a $500 gaming system, so I understand the initial disbelief and resistance to this kind of spending if you live your life frugally and don't have wads of cash to burn. That's why open, respectful discussion and spending plans are key.

 

[Puzzeleddad]

I support my wife's handbag addiction. She supports my classic car hobby so im there to make sure shes happy

 

[sfmel]

I don't mind my wife's obsession...she regulary asks me which ones i like whats the big deal?

Right. Husbands come in all varieties! I have a friend whose husband buys her a Birkin every time she has a baby! She calls them "push presents!" I had never heard of such a thing, but I guess it's a thing. Now, they are definitely millionaires, but still.. I have another friend whose husband encourages her to spend loads of money on purses, so he can justify all of his spending. That family earns a lot of money, but hasn't saved much.. My husband thinks it's a bit wacky, but he's coming around. We all have our ways of reacting to this purse thing...

If you don't mind your wife's purse spending, then she is a lucky woman!!

And Breadnbrie, again, thanks for the thoughtful and wise comments! I appreciate it!

 

[MJDaisy]

My husband isn't particularly enthused about my bag obsession either. It is hard because he doesn't have anything he collects or spends money on. I often have to buy him new things like sneakers even if his other pairs have holes! He just doesn't like to spend money! It can be tough when I like to buy new bags. Some people say just don't tell him but that's not how our relationship works. I always tell him about my purchases and he says if I can pay my portion of bills then he is fine with it ! He even recognizes LV and chanel now on the street and will ask me if I think they're real! I think having an open conversation about why you love your bags and how special they make you feel will help! My best advice is not to hide any purchases and just talk about it! Best of luck. I know it can be awkward sometimes.

 

[Puzzeleddad]

My husband isn't particularly enthused about my bag obsession either. It is hard because he doesn't have anything he collects or spends money on. I often have to buy him new things like sneakers even if his other pairs have holes! He just doesn't like to spend money! It can be tough when I like to buy new bags. Some people say just don't tell him but that's not how our relationship works. I always tell him about my purchases and he says if I can pay my portion of bills then he is fine with it ! He even recognizes LV and chanel now on the street and will ask me if I think they're real! I think having an open conversation about why you love your bags and how special they make you feel will help! My best advice is not to hide any purchases and just talk about it! Best of luck. I know it can be awkward sometimes.

My husband isn't particularly enthused about my bag obsession either. It is hard because he doesn't have anything he collects or spends money on. I often have to buy him new things like sneakers even if his other pairs have holes! He just doesn't like to spend money! It can be tough when I like to buy new bags. Some people say just don't tell him but that's not how our relationship works. I always tell him about my purchases and he says if I can pay my portion of bills then he is fine with it ! He even recognizes LV and chanel now on the street and will ask me if I think they're real! I think having an open conversation about why you love your bags and how special they make you feel will help! My best advice is not to hide any purchases and just talk about it! Best of luck. I know it can be awkward sometimes.

I just agree with her...she lets me buy car parts...i a company her to her new purse purchase....ibdont get why men are so scared

 

[Sparkletastic]

I know, right?

And the thing is, even if I can afford these bags, the question is, should I? I mean, I was travelling in south America a few years ago, and I realized that much of the world will never have a meal that costs 20 dollars. And of course, this is true and not surprising, but I think about this when I'm tempted to purchase an obscenely expensive bag. It raises the issue of my value system, and what is it I'm trying to prove with these purses?

I have thought about this, and I think I just like them, kind of like certain men like cars, or others collect baseball cards. It's certainly not to impress people, because in fact, I doubt they ever do impress anyone. And basically I'm aligned with my husband on general principles of money and finance, and environmental resources, etc.

I have few vices myself, so I think he's coming around. I just try to do my best...

Thanks for your comments!

Ok well, I "get" your point in principle. But in reality not buying a bag and instead being thrifty and putting the money in personal savings doesn't feed anyone in need. Now, I know you aren't saying that. I'm just clarifying to make the following point:

To me these are very different issues. My personal value system: I think it's heinous for people to walk through life and not be generous - in time, talent and money. I feel we should give to people in true need one on one within our reach (family, friends, community) and we should also give to institutions (charities, foundations, churches, etc.) that can do broad scale good work. In my mind, to not do so is selfish, pathetic and vile.

But, we must also provide for our (and our family's) own needs - everything from shelter to education to savings, etc. And I think we can in good conscious enjoy some indulgences - a beautiful home, a classic car, handbags - whatever floats your particular boat...including a boat. LOL!

It doesn't have to be an either / or. It's three different "spends" that we have to balance: our needs, our wants and charity.

To the original question though. Marriage is a compromise. So I think you are absolutely doing the right thing to continue to talk to your hubby so you two blend your perspectives into one set of family values. Generally, in a marriage, it's unhealthy for a person to dogmatically demand that the other align with their values. And, honestly, since you two have the money to spare, this seems like a place where you two may agree to pleasantly disagree. You buy just a hair fewer bags than you would normally and he turns a blind eye and just tells you you're beautiful whenever you wear your pretty bags with your pretty outfits.

 

[Breadnbrie]

I just agree with her...she lets me buy car parts...i a company her to her new purse purchase....ibdont get why men are so scared

If you have the disposable income for all those purses and car parts, then wonderful for you both; you are very blessed! However, you must have realized at one point that not everyone is. What's not to get?

 

[Puzzeleddad]

If you have the disposable income for all those purses and car parts, then wonderful for you both; you are very blessed! However, you must have realized at one point that not everyone is. What's not to get?

I agree...but what I meant was why most men are scared of handbags...she could like boots or dvds! Anything! I support my wife no matter what. She happens to love purses and I support her. Hell I'm pretty masculine and I've even held the bag while riding shotgun in the car...they don't go on the floor from what I'm told...lol Idk maybe I'm just weirdo

 

[Breadnbrie]

I agree...but what I meant was why most men are scared of handbags...she could like boots or dvds! Anything! I support my wife no matter what. She happens to love purses and I support her. Hell I'm pretty masculine and I've even held the bag while riding shotgun in the car...they don't go on the floor from what I'm told...lol Idk maybe I'm just weirdo

Haha good man, and you're so right, they don't go on the floor!

 

[Puzzeleddad]

Haha good man, and you're so right, they don't go on the floor!

Lol seriously why is it a big deal? If it costs upwards towards 2 grand then no way it belongs in a movie theater floor...