My husband hates my bag compulsion!

[sfmel]

Hi everyone! I need some advice.

Recently there have been a few posts about people whose friends shame them for their handbag collection. In my case, however, the person who doesn't at all understand my love of handbags is my husband.

For me this presents a difficult question because his logic kind of makes sense. In my house, we are doing well financially, and actually, I'm by far the main breadwinner. My husband is not unkind, but he doesn't understand the compulsion with handbags, and he believes in living a simple life with not too many things. He is anti-materialism (I think this is because he grew up in a very wealthy family), and pro environment. Because of him, we've saved tons of money. He thinks the whole thing is a giant marketing scam, and he thinks that it's disappointing that I am buying into it.

Personally, I never even knew a thing about handbags till recently when a friend showed me her Birkins!! I carried the same bag every day for years before that.. Now I am kind of hooked, and I love watching the women in our town style their gorgeous bags. And I love this forum, which doesn't help. But even though I can afford what I want, I am torn with guilt, and rarely buy anything. When I do purchase something, it's not as much fun, because although he doesn't say anything I know what my husband is thinking..

My question is, how do all of you deal with different value systems in your spouses? Does anyone have this problem? In this case, you can't simply say "my money, my decision." I have envy for those of you whose husbands will buy you Chanel! Did they come into this view over time, or was it always this way? Have any of us had a fight over a handbag purchase?

 

[SakuraSakura]

You did mention that you're the primary source of income. I would talk to him about it and tell him that these gorgeous purses bring you joy. He must have his own vices as well. We all wish to see our loved ones happy.

 

[remainsilly]

Hmm.
I guess man & I share the same core values.
So handbags & video games are seen as personal interests.
And aren't much of an argument point.
Because they do not harm bigger/agreed priorities or our mutual trust/commitment.

I cannot understand appeal of playing Fallout any more than he understands why interior handbag pockets are interesting.
But there is respect.
We can disagree. We can state that we disagree. And that's acceptable. No one feels attacked.
Then, we go on being ourselves. With new viewpoints & maybe more empathy.

Yes, he has bought me some bags, scarves, etc.
I've bought him several games with virtual zombies eating people & explosions.
Neither of us really knew wtf we were purchasing--just asked sales clerks for help & hoped recipient might enjoy the choices.

I like to think that is what compassion & love look like in action.
But, only my opinion.

Hope helps.

 

[leechiyong]

This is a difficult one. While you should be happy, how would you feel if he changed one of his values where you'd previously been in alignment?

I've always been into purses. If there were concerns about it, they were addressed early on in the relationship, so I can't really speak to your experience. All I can say is think of the us and try to share your feelings.

 

[catsinthebag]

Hmm, this is a tough one. Every marriage -- heck, every relationship -- is different, so there is a bit of finding out what works for the two of you.

My DH and I have similar values, but he doesn't "get" handbags any more than I "get" game-worn hockey jerseys. But we allow the other to have our "things." I have to imagine your DH has some interests or hobbies that you don't share -- maybe point this out to your DH as a way of saying you don't have to have every single thing in common?

I can understand your DH being uncomfortable with having tons of material posssession, but how does he feel about art? Because if the Birkin is what you're lusting after, arguments have been made that these (and other Hermes bags) are truly works of art, made with intense care by trained craftspeople. Not to mention they are made to last a lifetime, so there is no throwing it away when it wears out after a year or two to buy a new one. If he is truly an environmentalist, go the pre-loved route!

Early in our marriage, I wanted a pair of earrings. DH challenged me a bit, asking aloud why I couldn't just wear the same pair he had gotten me every day. I finally pointed out that he had more than one watch. It was like watching a lightbulb come on! Sometimes you just have to find the example the other person can relate to.

At the end of the day, it's hard to just say, "my money, my choice." That can feel disrespectful of the other person. My DH supports us both, but he doesn't make big purchases without talking to me. We've also devised a system where each of us has a certain amount of spending money to do with as we wish, no questions asked. So if I want a bag, or he wants a jersey, we can indulge ourselves. As long as it's in the budget, it's fine. That's what works for us.

 

[sfmel]

Guys, thank you so much for taking the time to write such thoughtful responses! There is a lot of wisdom in what you said, and I liked that none of the advice was dismissive, and took into account the mutual respect that all of us have for our spouses.

I was nervous posting my first thread!!! I truly appreciate the sound advice and great insight you shared with me!

 

[AtlDesigner]

Guys, thank you so much for taking the time to write such thoughtful responses! There is a lot of wisdom in what you said, and I liked that none of the advice was dismissive, and took into account the mutual respect that all of us have for our spouses.

I was nervous posting my first thread!!! I truly appreciate the sound advice and great insight you shared with me!

My husband doesn't know (and probably doesn't want to know) how much my Gucci, Chanel and LV bags are. If he asks me, I will tell him. Otherwise I'm fairly frugal, but do occasionally have some large PayPal purchases for eBay and a few other companies. He hasn't asked me - and I haven't offered. Now a Birkin or Kelly - ha - I'd have to explain those, as he would definitely notice! Careful buying - whether good pre-loved or on sale - helps me make smart choices - so I'm not feeling bad about spending a little on myself. I'm not a huge shopper, thank goodness, but TPF brings out the devil in me!!!!

 

[the_black_tie_diyer]

Hi!

I think it's vital to understand that this is - and always will be - about wanting something "a little more" (that we hopefully get tremendous joy out). No one needs a bag, watch, car, jewelry, shoes, bespoke stuff, *place here whatever people like & collect* that cost thousands and thousands of dollars - either by piece or as a whole collection.

Much cheaper stuff will easily serve the basic function(s) of most of "our" stuff. It's considered luxury and not labeled "bare essentials" for a reason. No one is forced unto it and it's not that this is a secret. It's also not a secret that many, many of the items that are sold and labeled as luxury are mass produced, sold with the help of artificial "shortage" and not always as "special" as they are described/deemed to be. I fully understand where your husband is coming from but in my eyes this is definitely not a scam. It's just businesses taking the opportunity to make money of those willing to, and those who can afford to spend it. I said it before and I say it again - it's a game and it is in each of our own hands when we lay the dice back on the table, stand up and go.

Obviously by your description your husband has seen his fair share of this game and decided it's not for him at all - or not anymore. Still it leads to the same conclusion for me as in the other threads - if it is your money, you can basically spend it as you see fit. Of course it is on the other hand also up to you to decide to follow his example and renounce every temptation of spending on something that is not essential to your life. But I doubt that this will lead to you being happy - as you do obviously love bags and want to have some.

I do strongly believe that love & marriage means to respect each other's wishes and to find a way that works for both partners without one totally subduing the other on something that is important to him or her. Of course this is very different from telling a friend to go pound sand because love & marriage is so much more than being friends or buying luxury.

For you, that maybe could mean promising your husband not to hoard XXX bags, not spending a couple of grand every other week but getting a couple of bags that you really, really like and get a lot of use, joy and happiness out. You're financially stable, it's not that because of the bags your husband would have to stick to eating ramen for the foreseeable future I would simply speak about it very openly - this is definitely not a one way street. Plus, does your husband have any hobbies that cost $$$?

This is just my humble opinion on the matter and it is written and meant with the highest respect for you, your husband and your situation.

Kind regards,
Oliver

 

[maxxout]

I have a lot of respect for your husband's values. What a different world it would be if we all cared more about our environment and less about our possessions. I can talk to both sides of this question as I have a substantial collection of bags and I am also this point turning more towards environmentalism and less consumerism. I will go so far as to say I'm becoming more vegan in my approach to eating and consuming in general. Most of my life I have been very busy in my profession and I took a year off and when I did that , I became interested in collecting purses. I joined TPF and I would say that single event triggered and fueled my interest in collecting. It was a very fun couple of years. When I got my second Hermes Kelly, that ended my desire to purchase any more bags. And oddly I haven't bought a bag or even any clothing items for almost 2 years now. I got back into a very fulfilling career/calling and became more active in environmental issues and that has occupied me. I would say that having important, or what I consider important things to do seems to be more enjoyable than purchasing things now. But when I'm engaged in the activity or any activity that I find I have a passion for , including collecting purses if that's what it is, no one can dissuade me from that. When I look at all my bags and things I'm happy about them on some level. I don't feel guilty and I don't think there's any need for anyone to feel guilty about making themselves happy and buying them selves things. But I do think that everything has consequences. No one leads a pure life and we all have different things that mean more or less to us. What I have learned is that I can get really caught up in the conversations here on this forum as it relates to amassing a collection of purses and for me, it was an activity that filled a void. I'm able to look more earnestly into that void and thus make different choices.
I don't have any advice but I thought I would just share my story. I don't think your issue is about money spent or not spent. I think dig a little deeper and maybe that's the issue.

 

[Mariapia]

I have a lot of respect for your husband's values. What a different world it would be if we all cared more about our environment and less about our possessions. I can talk to both sides of this question as I have a substantial collection of bags and I am also this point turning more towards environmentalism and less consumerism. I will go so far as to say I'm becoming more vegan in my approach to eating and consuming in general. Most of my life I have been very busy in my profession and I took a year off and when I did that , I became interested in collecting purses. I joined TPF and I would say that single event triggered and fueled my interest in collecting. It was a very fun couple of years. When I got my second Hermes Kelly, that ended my desire to purchase any more bags. And oddly I haven't bought a bag or even any clothing items for almost 2 years now. I got back into a very fulfilling career/calling and became more active in environmental issues and that has occupied me. I would say that having important, or what I consider important things to do seems to be more enjoyable than purchasing things now. But when I'm engaged in the activity or any activity that I find I have a passion for , including collecting purses if that's what it is, no one can dissuade me from that. When I look at all my bags and things I'm happy about them on some level. I don't feel guilty and I don't think there's any need for anyone to feel guilty about making themselves happy and buying them selves things. But I do think that everything has consequences. No one leads a pure life and we all have different things that mean more or less to us. What I have learned is that I can get really caught up in the conversations here on this forum as it relates to amassing a collection of purses and for me, it was an activity that filled a void. I'm able to look more earnestly into that void and thus make different choices.
I don't have any advice but I thought I would just share my story. I don't think your issue is about money spent or not spent. I think dig a little deeper and maybe that's the issue.

Great post, maxxout!
Thanks for sharing your story!

 

[maxxout]

Great post, maxxout!
Thanks for sharing your story!

Thank you so much, mariapia. ❤️❤️
I miss you and all the women that I had so much fun with over the years here. Friendships developed and will always be held close to my heart. Sounds like I'm leaving the forum but I'm not. Just leaving the thrill of the hunt. And that is was, no denying.

 

[catsinthebag]

I have a lot of respect for your husband's values. What a different world it would be if we all cared more about our environment and less about our possessions. I can talk to both sides of this question as I have a substantial collection of bags and I am also this point turning more towards environmentalism and less consumerism. I will go so far as to say I'm becoming more vegan in my approach to eating and consuming in general. Most of my life I have been very busy in my profession and I took a year off and when I did that , I became interested in collecting purses. I joined TPF and I would say that single event triggered and fueled my interest in collecting. It was a very fun couple of years. When I got my second Hermes Kelly, that ended my desire to purchase any more bags. And oddly I haven't bought a bag or even any clothing items for almost 2 years now. I got back into a very fulfilling career/calling and became more active in environmental issues and that has occupied me. I would say that having important, or what I consider important things to do seems to be more enjoyable than purchasing things now. But when I'm engaged in the activity or any activity that I find I have a passion for , including collecting purses if that's what it is, no one can dissuade me from that. When I look at all my bags and things I'm happy about them on some level. I don't feel guilty and I don't think there's any need for anyone to feel guilty about making themselves happy and buying them selves things. But I do think that everything has consequences. No one leads a pure life and we all have different things that mean more or less to us. What I have learned is that I can get really caught up in the conversations here on this forum as it relates to amassing a collection of purses and for me, it was an activity that filled a void. I'm able to look more earnestly into that void and thus make different choices.
I don't have any advice but I thought I would just share my story. I don't think your issue is about money spent or not spent. I think dig a little deeper and maybe that's the issue.

I totally agree. Whenever someone -- friend, relative, DH -- actively judges you re. bags, it's not just about the bags. From what I've seen both on tpf and in my own life, designer bags are highly symbolic to some people. Owning one, or even wanting one can symbolize something along the lines of "you are not one of us," or "you're self-indulgent and selfish," or "we don't have the same values." A purse is not just a purse in these situations! A lot of the time, the other person may be afraid you are really judging them for their not-so-high-end bag/lifestyle, or judging them for not having the money to afford such a thing. Or they may be afraid you are leaving them behind.

A funny thing happened years ago, when after years of owning cats, DH and I got a dog. One couple, who we initially bonded with over our mutual love of cats, looked at us and literally said, "Oh, you're one of THEM now." Huh??? No, we are the same animal-loving people we always were! I know this is an odd example, but I think sometimes people see something in your life and assume this makes you a different person than the one they thought you were. OP, maybe your DH needs some reassurance that you still share his values -- you'd just like to have a pretty bag to hold while doing so!

 

[Mariapia]

Thank you so much, mariapia. ❤️❤️
I miss you and all the women that I had so much fun with over the years here. Friendships developed and will always be held close to my heart. Sounds like I'm leaving the forum but I'm not. Just leaving the thrill of the hunt. And that is was, no denying.

 

[Cloudburst2000]

Hmm.
I guess man & I share the same core values.
So handbags & video games are seen as personal interests.
And aren't much of an argument point.
Because they do not harm bigger/agreed priorities or our mutual trust/commitment.

I cannot understand appeal of playing Fallout any more than he understands why interior handbag pockets are interesting.
But there is respect.
We can disagree. We can state that we disagree. And that's acceptable. No one feels attacked.
Then, we go on being ourselves. With new viewpoints & maybe more empathy.

Yes, he has bought me some bags, scarves, etc.
I've bought him several games with virtual zombies eating people & explosions.
Neither of us really knew wtf we were purchasing--just asked sales clerks for help & hoped recipient might enjoy the choices.

I like to think that is what compassion & love look like in action.
But, only my opinion.

Hope helps.

I play Fallout AND carry my fancy handbags

I only buy my bags with my leftover money after paying bills, putting money into retirement, etc. Everyone has different ideas of what brings them happiness. What is the point of having a huge bank account? Keep savings in case you lose your job, yes. But saving everything means you don't get the enjoyment out of using the money you earned. You can't take with you after all.

 

[remainsilly]

I play Fallout AND carry my fancy handbags

Awesome!