Ricky Gervais' Funniest and rudest Golden Globes Jokes :couch: :lolots:
About Charlie Sheen:
" It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking - or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast. Wow, so let's get this straight, so what he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife - as you do - went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard, and that was a Monday. What does he do on New Year's Eve?
About 'The Tourist' (Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp are in the audience):
" It was a big year for 3D movies: 'Toy Story', 'Despicable Me', 'Tron'... It seemed like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in 'The Tourist'. I already feel bad about that joke. I tell you what, I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't even seen 'The Tourist'. Who has? But it must be good because it's nominated, so shut up, OK? And I'd like to crush this ridiculous rumor that the only reason 'The Tourist' was nominated was so that the foreign press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That was not the only reason; they also accepted bribes."
About Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Will Smith:
" Also not nominated, 'I Love You Phillip Morris', with Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay - the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists then. Probably? My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke. Theyre not here..."
About Bruce Willis:
Introducing him as " Our next presenter is known for such films as 'Hudson Hawk', 'Look Whos Talking', 'Mercury Rising', 'Color of Night', 'The Fifth Element', 'Harts War'... Please welcome Ashton Kutchers dad, Bruce Willis."
About Robert Downey Jr.:
Introducing him as " I love this next presenter, hes so cool. Hes the star of 'Iron Man', 'Two Girls And A Guy', 'Wonderboys'
Im sorry are these porn films? 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang?', 'Bowfinger?', 'Up The Academy?' Come on ! He has done all of those films but many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as The Betty Ford Clinic (rehab center) and the Los Angeles County Jail. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Robert Downey Jr."
About Jorge Garcia, who played Hurley on 'Lost':
" One of the biggest TV events of the year was the finale of 'Lost'. It was quite a complicated finale, and I'm not sure I understood it all. From what I can make out, the fat one ate them all."
About the 'Sex and the City 2' female cast:
" There were a lot of big films that didn't get nominated this year, nothing for 'Sex and the City 2'. No, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Girls, we know how old you are. I even saw one of you in an episode of 'Bonanza'."
About Cher (in the audience):
" 'Do you want to go and see Cher? No. Why not? Because its not 1975 anymore.' "
About Hugh Hefner (in the audience):
" There's been some great new TV dramas this year, like 'Boardwalk Empire' and 'Walking Dead'. Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married at age 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When asked why she was marrying him, she said, 'He lied about his age. I thought he was 94.' Calm down: just don't look at it when you touch it" (with helpful suggestive gestures from Gervais on stage).
About "ungrateful"
Steve Carell and 'The Office' (walking on stage):
" He's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us. Well done Steve."
About Tom Hanks and Tim Allen:
Introducing them as: " What can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose movies have grossed $3.5 billion. The other is Tim Allen."
Go get 'em, Ricky

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