Jokes~

Here's one I've posted before:

"A lonely single woman receives a flyer for a new store in the mail. The store sells husbands. How amazing, our heroine thinks, a store where a woman can purchase a new husband! She decides she must have a husband from this new store.

So she goes to the address listed in the flyer. At the entrance is a sign with a description of how the store operates. It reads:
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

The woman takes the elevator to the first floor. At the first floor, the door opens on a sign that reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
She shrugs and gets back on the elevator.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
This is pretty good, she thinks, but pushes the button for the third floor.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help
with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."
I love it!! it's hilarious!!!!:roflmfao: :roflmfao: :roflmfao:
 
A cowboy and his new wife check into a hotel. While entering their information, the desk clerk asks them, "Would you like the Bridal?"

The cowboy answers, "That won't be necessary. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets the hang of it."
 
Once there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflies. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent. The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe cheif with a spear he says: Death or Unga Bunga? The first guy says: Unga bunga because I don't want to die! So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with a ten foot long dick and he sticks it up the other guys butt for ten seconds and then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying: Pick death! Pick death! But the guy doesn't believe him so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him. Then the third guy wakes up and see the guy staggering back saying: Pick Death! So the guy figues that what the heck? And he picks death and then the chief says: Death! by Unga Bunga!
 
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
 
Once there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflies. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent. The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe cheif with a spear he says: Death or Unga Bunga? The first guy says: Unga bunga because I don't want to die! So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with a ten foot long dick and he sticks it up the other guys butt for ten seconds and then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying: Pick death! Pick death! But the guy doesn't believe him so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him. Then the third guy wakes up and see the guy staggering back saying: Pick Death! So the guy figues that what the heck? And he picks death and then the chief says: Death! by Unga Bunga!
OMG histerical I haven't had a belly laugh like that in a long while!!!
 
Since we're on cannibals...:smile:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
 
This, apparantly, was voted the funniest joke in Britain:

A man goes into his doctor's office and says, "I'm afraid I've got a piece of lettuce stuck up my bum."

After doing a thorough examination, the doctor finally says, "I'm afraid it's the tip of the iceberg!"
 
okok..I have more...


A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" :lol::lol::lol:


----------------

and I hope ppl wont get offended by this one:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick,
headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great.
I be work soon.....you got nice house."
 
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."



:roflmfao::roflmfao: I didnt get that at first and had to read it out loud with the stereotypical chinese accent but when i got it..it was funny!!!
 
The auditor and the gambler
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm
not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two
thousand >
dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you
okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that
he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk, and that
you'd be happy about it.