Jokes~

  1. I cant seem to find a jokes thread here...maybe i missed it. If i did, then mods pls close this or merge it or whatever.
    Anyway..we all need laughter in our lives and after a long hard day at work/sch/wherever...it wld be nice to laugh>

    Here goes:

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"
     
  2. LoL OMG! I don't know any jokes but thanks for posting I need to laugh alittle more these days!!!
     
  3. ^^ no prob..me too!!! Im starting to look gloomy that people ask "Long day huh"?

    another one:


    ITS A WOMAN's WORLD!


    1. Behind every successful woman is herself.

    2. Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did,
    but she did it backwards and
    in high heels.

    3. A woman is like a teabag...you don't know how
    strong she is until you put
    her in hot water.

    4. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
    combine marriage and a career.

    5. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

    6. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

    7. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN . SOME THINGS ARE JUST
    BETTER RICH.

    8. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

    9. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.

    10. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

    11. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

    12. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

    13. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

    14. I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO
    BAD PEOPLE.

    15. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

    16. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE
    THE BODIES.

    17. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE
    KITCHEN.
     
  4. If this isn't copyrighted - I'm putting on a Tshirt.
    Someday you young gals will understand.:nuts:

    Its not a hot flash - its a power surge.
     
  5. LOL I love it!!!
     
  6. well here are the "Guys' Rules" (pssh yeah I know... pathetic huh??:graucho:) that a friend had sent me, it was pretty humorous reading about the men's attempts at trying to be the boss ;)




    >>>>The Guys' Rules

    >>>>At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally
    >>>>, the guys'
    >>>>side of the story.
    >>>>(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
    >>>>We always hear "the rules "
    >>>>From the female side.
    >>>>Now here are the rules from the male side.
    >>>>These are our rules!
    >>>>Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
    >>>>ON PURPOSE!
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Men ARE not mind readers.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    >>>>You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    >>>>We need it up, you need it down.
    >>>>You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    >>>>or the changing of the tides.
    >>>>Let it be.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    >>>>And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Crying is blackmail.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Ask for what you want.
    >>>>Let us be clear on this one:
    >>>>Subtle hints do not work!
    >>>>Strong hints do not work!
    >>>>Obvious hints do not work!
    >>>>Just say it!
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
    >>>>question.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.
    >>>>That's what
    >>>>we do.
    >>>>Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a
    >>>>doctor.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Anyth ing we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
    >>>>argument.
    >>>>In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
    >>>>Expect us to
    >>>>act like soap opera guys.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    >>>>Don't ask us.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
    >>>>the ways
    >>>>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
    >>>>
    >>>>1. You can either ask us to do something
    >>>>Or tell us how you want it done.
    >>>>Not both.
    >>>>If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
    >>>>commercials.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do
    >>>>we.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    >>>>Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a
    >>>>fruit. We
    >>>>have no idea what mauve is.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
    >>>>We do that.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act
    >>>>like nothing's
    >>>>wrong.
    >>>>We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
    >>>>answer you
    >>>>don't want to hear.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
    >>>>fine...
    >>>>Really .
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
    >>>>prepared to discuss
    >>>>such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    >>>>or golf.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. You have enough clothes.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. You have too many shoes.
    >>>>
    >>>>1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
    >>>>
    >>>>1. Thank you for reading this.
    >>>>Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    >>>>
    >>>>Pass this to as many men as you can -
    >>>>to give them a laugh.
    >>>>
    >>>>Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger
    >>>>laugh
    >>>>



    enjoy!:sneaky:
     
  7. Okay, so I got this from my mother in law. I think this is hilarious but I don't know if it's against the TPF rules once you figure out the answer. If it does, feel free to take it down. I won't be offended.

    Here it goes:

    [​IMG]

    This table is being sold on eBay. How do you know the seller is a man?
     
  8. because who took the pic is a man! Im not gonna mention where he is..but u can see him..hahaha...so is that the answer?
    or does it have to do with all the alcohol in that pic??
     
  9. yeah, that's the answer!! haha.....I was crackin' up when I found out.
     
  10. A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
    By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention .... "
     
  11. :roflmfao:
    Know how you feel, Vegas
     
  12. Ok, I rarely remember jokes, but for some reason this one has stuck in my brain for over 20 years, my husband always goes "tell them your joke"..., so here it is:

    A group of middle aged women were having a get together on the terrace when they see the husband getting out of the car with a bunch of flowers. The wife goes "oh no, he brought flowers again"... Her friends find the reaction a bit strange and ask her why she's not happy and they would all like flowers. "I know" she says, "the flowers are nice, but it means I have to lie with my legs up in the air all night.." "Why" another one goes, "haven't you got a vase?"
     
  13. Priceless

    Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
    Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
    Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
    Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
    His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

    Broken furniture - $85.26
    Hot Breakfast - $4.20
    Red Rose bud -$3.00
    Two Aspirins -$0.38

    Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless


    -----------------------------------------------------
    -----------------------------------------------------

    Mr. Japanese

    First school day in an American School. The female teacher introduces a
    new student. Sakiro Suzuki (son of Sony CEO).

    The class starts:
    Teacher: "let's see who masters the American Culture History. Who said:
    GIVE ME THE FREEDOM OR THE DEATH".

    It was quiet in the class. Suzuki rises the hand: " Patrick Henry 1775
    in Philadelphia"
    "Very good Suzuki."

    And who said: "The State is the people. The people may not go down.
    Suzuki stands: :" Abraham Lincoln 1863 in Washington. "

    The teacher look at the students and says: "Shame you. Suzuki is
    Japanese and knows the American History better than you".

    A voice is coming out from background: "Kiss my ***, you damned
    Japanese"
    "Who said that?" the teacher screams. Suzuki rises the hand and without
    waiting he says: " General McArthur 1942 at Panama Canal and Lee Iacocca
    1982 in the BOD meeting of General Motor."

    The class is super quiet. From behind: "I must vomit"
    The teacher screams: "Who was that?"

    Suzuki answers: "George Bush Senior to Japanese First Minister Tanaka
    during lunch in Tokyo 1991"

    One of the students stands and screams angrily: "Blow me one"
    The teacher upset: "Now stop. Who was that now?"
    Suzuki without blinking the eye: "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997
    in Washington in oval room of White House"

    Another students stands and screams: "Suzuki damned you"
    Suzuki says: "Valentino Rossi in Ryo at Grand Prix Motorcycle racing in
    South Africa 2002"

    The class falls in hysteria, the teacher becomes unconscious. The door
    opens and the principal comes in: "f***, I have never seen such a mess"

    Suzuki: German Chancellor Schroeder after he was betrayed in the budget
    by Finance Minister Eichel
     
  14. omg that eBay pic is insane:wtf:
     
  15. Here's one I've posted before:

    "A lonely single woman receives a flyer for a new store in the mail. The store sells husbands. How amazing, our heroine thinks, a store where a woman can purchase a new husband! She decides she must have a husband from this new store.

    So she goes to the address listed in the flyer. At the entrance is a sign with a description of how the store operates. It reads:
    You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    The woman takes the elevator to the first floor. At the first floor, the door opens on a sign that reads:
    Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
    She shrugs and gets back on the elevator.

    The second floor sign reads:
    Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
    This is pretty good, she thinks, but pushes the button for the third floor.

    The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
    Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help
    with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."