Do you ever get really mean when you fight?

[Danica]

Because my husband does. Just now I was sitting there crying while he was saying mean things and insulting me, so I asked him why he married me and he said "because I thought you would change".

The fight started because I told him that it not only hurt my feelings that his mom didn't make me a birthday dinner, and that every holiday I go over to his grandma's I have nothing to eat. I'm vegetarian...and they never ever make me anything. I should add that I moved to the states and have no family or friends here that would normally do it for me. Anyways he got really defensive about this and we didn't talk for days. I always want to talk and work it out...he doesn't.

So the night before last he left and went drinking with his friends, I called him and told him not to bother coming home because I'm sick of him doing that every time we fight, and of course he didn't come home.

He also told me that he told his mom that my feelings were hurt and that she said "I don't know what to say" at that point I had to leave the room because it upset me so much. I thought we got along really well and were friends, but that kind of response is not loving and implies that she is either indifferent or does not care. So I emailed her telling her that her response hurt my feelings and that was 2 days ago and I've yet to hear back. (I emailed because there was no way I could have gotten through that conversation).

I don't know what to do anymore. He won't stick up for me, he thinks my feelings are rediculous and actually told me that I was just a selfish snot because "it's not my mom's job to cook you a birthday dinner". Just typing that now...it sounds so crazy that someone would actually say that.

 

[windycityaj]

I don't have any real words of wisdome but I'm sending you a big hug. Mean people just suck and I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt. I hope you hear back from you mil and you're able to talk this out. Spouses should stick up for each other. HUGS!!


Anne

 

[Danica]

I don't have any real words of wisdome but I'm sending you a big hug. Mean people just suck and I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt. I hope you hear back from you mil and you're able to talk this out. Spouses should stick up for each other. HUGS!!


Anne

Thanks! I agree about sticking up for one another...his brother does it for his girlfriend with the family and they are not even married.

 

[merika]

Because my husband does. Just now I was sitting there crying while he was saying mean things and insulting me, so I asked him why he married me and he said "because I thought you would change".

Uh oh. Bad answer. I recall asking my ex the same question, and him giving me the same answer. Which is why he is my ex.

I don't really understand why you expect your husband's mom to cook you a birthday dinner? Some people think pretty much about their own child and don't bother with the sons in law and daughters in law. I.e. SOs mom throws this big bash for his birthday, and buys him $$$ worth of stuff and she doesn't even remember when my birthday is. It's not like we've been dating casually or anything, we've been together for 5 years. I was hurt in the beginning but then figured one less person for ME to worry about and buy presents for, so now on her birthday she gets all her presents from son and a card from him and me.

As for the food, maybe to make a point you should take along your own food for a gathering, and if anyone queries, say you are a vegetarian and cannot eat an incomplete meal. You'll get served well next time!

I come from an Asian culture where family is very protective and caring and do things for each other like cook, make sure everyone has what they like to eat etc, and some attitudes of my SO's American family with regard to entertaining friends and family stunned me. I got used to it though.

 

[Danica]

Uh oh. Bad answer. I recall asking my ex the same question, and him giving me the same answer. Which is why he is my ex.

I don't really understand why you expect your husband's mom to cook you a birthday dinner? Some people think pretty much about their own child and don't bother with the sons in law and daughters in law. I.e. SOs mom throws this big bash for his birthday, and buys him $$$ worth of stuff and she doesn't even remember when my birthday is. It's not like we've been dating casually or anything, we've been together for 5 years. I was hurt in the beginning but then figured one less person for ME to worry about and buy presents for, so now on her birthday she gets all her presents from son and a card from him and me.

As for the food, maybe to make a point you should take along your own food for a gathering, and if anyone queries, say you are a vegetarian and cannot eat an incomplete meal. You'll get served well next time!

*sigh... I guess I'm just used to that...my mom has always had birthday dinners for previous boyfriends and even close friends. The thing is MIL has done it for the previous 2 years for me, and just not this year.

Funny you should mention bringing my own food, someone else mentioned that and I think its a fantastic idea.

 

[nataliam1976]

what is WRONG with those men ? my last ex was so exactly the same driving me mad ! ( known him 9 years, been together for 4 ) ... whenever there was an issue and i would bringing up - not even fighting just being nice but expecting some conversation from him , discussion about it, solution of the problem, - just doing something to improve things, he would go all mad at me and attack me in return , even though i wasnt really trying to attack just draw his attention to it ! and then he would just shut up and treat me like air for days ... i put up with that cos i really loved him, but when we went for our first holiday together in like two years and he ruined it, not talking to me for four days ( i only found out what it was all about 2 weeks after we came back ! )i said "enough " ...why cant they be sensible even just a tiny little bit? I totally feel for u Danica, nothing i can do my sending u warmest hugs xoxox

ps. on a lighter note, when will they learn then when we say dont do something we actually want them to do it hihi?

 

[nataliam1976]

i also think that when u invite someone over - and especially family - even though "just" in law - u do cater for their needs ! im not saying fancy stuff but im sure by now everyone knows you`re a vegetarian, that should be respected.

 

[Danica]

what is WRONG with those men ? my last ex was so exactly the same driving me mad ! ( known him 9 years, been together for 4 ) ... whenever there was an issue and i would bringing up - not even fighting just being nice but expecting some conversation from him , discussion about it, solution of the problem, - just doing something to improve things, he would go all mad at me and attack me in return , even though i wasnt really trying to attack just draw his attention to it ! and then he would just shut up and treat me like air for days ... i put up with that cos i really loved him, but when we went for our first holiday together in like two years and he ruined it, not talking to me for four days ( i only found out what it was all about 2 weeks after we came back ! )i said "enough " ...why cant they be sensible even just a tiny little bit? I totally feel for u Danica, nothing i can do my sending u warmest hugs xoxox

ps. on a lighter note, when will they learn then when we say dont do something we actually want them to do it hihi?

You are dead-on. I was expecting him to say "you're being silly, they're not doing it on purpose, I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings" etc. Sadly your ex sounds just like DH. I have been going to holiday dinners at his grandma's for years now, you'd think every once in awhile they would (call me crazy) try something new...and there are plenty of quick and easy things to make...and I never expected it every time. But once in awhile, yes I do expect it.

 

[Hirondelle]

I just wanted to tell you that this was exactly the answer that now my EX was giving to me every time :" I hoped that you will change" - why do they want us to change??? Well.... he's an EX now - after 17 years !
Not much help here...sorry... I think that I just wanted to vent
A big virtual hug to you - I know that it's not easy but if you feel that it's worth it do your best and try to keep a positive attitude

 

[Hirondelle]

Uh oh. Bad answer. I recall asking my ex the same question, and him giving me the same answer. Which is why he is my ex.

I don't really understand why you expect your husband's mom to cook you a birthday dinner? Some people think pretty much about their own child and don't bother with the sons in law and daughters in law. I.e. SOs mom throws this big bash for his birthday, and buys him $$$ worth of stuff and she doesn't even remember when my birthday is. It's not like we've been dating casually or anything, we've been together for 5 years. I was hurt in the beginning but then figured one less person for ME to worry about and buy presents for, so now on her birthday she gets all her presents from son and a card from him and me.

As for the food, maybe to make a point you should take along your own food for a gathering, and if anyone queries, say you are a vegetarian and cannot eat an incomplete meal. You'll get served well next time!

I come from an Asian culture where family is very protective and caring and do things for each other like cook, make sure everyone has what they like to eat etc, and some attitudes of my SO's American family with regard to entertaining friends and family stunned me. I got used to it though.

OMG Merika I just read your answer - I replied the same thing...so I;m not alone

 

[butterfliie]

Danica - I just want to give you a huge hug. Wishing you all the happiness and comfort in the world right now!!

 

[Danica]

I just wanted to tell you that this was exactly the answer that now my EX was giving to me every time :" I hoped that you will change" - why do they want us to change??? Well.... he's an EX now - after 17 years !
Not much help here...sorry... I think that I just wanted to vent

It's such a nasty answer. He wants me to change and yet he cannot sit and talk to me and work things out, and he's yet to say he's sorry to me the entire time I've know him because nothing has ever been his fault. But iiiiii need to change, well I may not be perfect, but I know how to talk and say sorry. It's really frustrating.

 

[pidgeon92]

He said that he thought you'd change? Do you think he will change? You have a difficult decision to make. Think about how you are going to feel ten and twenty years down the road if he continues to treat you this way. Don't let yourself live in misery.

 

[Newgrlonthebloc]

This is not good on so many levels. I've been married 15 years and the key is communication. That is a must! You have to be able to express yourself with your partner freely or what is the point????

I can only see this getting worse to be honest. If you don't nip it in the bud now...you are only asking for things to get worse.
What he did to you is a form of abuse and I'm certain it isn't the first time he's done it. Insulting you at all is WRONG so insulting you in front of friends or family is a definite NO! That's never okay. Don't accept it.

You two need to go to counseling and if counseling doesn't work I'd advise you to move on. You can't work with him if he doesn't want to change. Please don't bring kids into this type of marriage....
Best of luck to you!

 

[Ilikemike65]

FIrst of all, if any person is waiting for another to change....it's not going to happen. Just like you are waiting for your husband and his family to change.....not going to happen. YOu must look at your husband and the ways he does show you he loves you and stop at looking at what he does not do.
As far as getting upset at your mother in law for not making you a birthday dinner, I think you're again looking for someone else to do what YOU would do or what you would LIKE them to do. Your husband is correct that it is not her job to cook you a birthday dinner. Would it be nice? Sure. Would you do it for her? Probably. But in the end, she is not that type of giving person and you can't continue to be upset by her or her actions/lack there of. Make a big birthday celebration for YOU!! Throw yourself a huge birthday bash, complete with vegatarian meals!! And invite the inlaws. If they choose not to come, so be it but at least you will have your day with plenty to eat!

If his grandmother refuses to make you something to eat on the holidays....refuse to go! Stop putting yourself in the situation. STOP GOING!
By the MIL saying, "She doesn't know what to say" goes right along with the grandmother not making vegetarian meals. They DON"T UNDERSTAND YOUR AGENDA. They are from a different culture, different generation and a different mind set. You can't expect them to understand. It probably is not going to change. You're getting upset at her for her "response" when her response is simply that she doesn't understand. She could have told her son to tell you to jump off a bridge, right? Well, they just don't get it. She can't even comprehend that you're upset. THEY JUST DON"T THINK THAT WAY!! You will make yourself nuts trying to get someone else to act like you would like them too and react like youwould like them to.
So, you need to stop allowing them to get you so upset.
If they won't make a meal for you either bring your own dishes to enlighten them and contribute or stop going.
Stop getting upset with your husband for the behaviors of others. He can't be responsible for the behavior of his family. They're unlikely to change just as he is unlikely to try and make them. Neither one of you can make his family change any more than he can expect you to. Sad as this sounds, you chose your husband and with that you chose his family too. Now the ball is in your court to stop allowing them to make you feel this way. Take control of yourself and your situation!!! If you continue on the path you're on, you'll truly make yourself crazy!!!!!!

Learn to love the great things about YOU and if they can't see it, oh well!!! Make your own dishes, throw your own parties and as far as everyone else goes...to hell with them! I think we all get so worked up wanting everyone else to like us and do for us that we forget to like ourselves. Love yourself and if you're not happy with your husband, his family, your life then move on and find some one else to love you just the way you are and at the same time you need to learn to accept others,,,,,warts and all!