To: All Married, Newlyweds, Soon to be married...and women

#16
Um, how old are you, GiMMe? Either way, things will work out for you.
I agree with everyone. Talk to someone who knows you and that you can trust about how you are feeling.

I'm not married, but I am in no rush. It is sort of secondary to me, even though other people insist on when it will happen, etc. I love my BF and know he is the one.
 
#17
It's normal. The night before my wedding, I had a MAJOR freak out and told my DH that we should call it off. Coming from a family that was dysfunctional, I had this fear that our marriage would end up like my parents. Of course, this wasn't a new fear, and the thought had always been at the back of my mind, but I also realized that my DH wasn't going to Jekyll & Hyde on me and suddenly display a new side to himself. We had been together for five years before we married, and lived together for four because neither one of us was willing to commit to someone that we didn't truly know. Weddings bring out the insecurities in all of us.


On the flip side, I was engaged before when I was 20, and freaked out after a month. I just couldn't see myself with this person in the future, so I called it off. I was way too young to settle down and I knew it. I even panicked when we went apartment hunting together!

In the end, only you know truly what the right move for you will be. If your intuition is telling you that this man is not the one for you, follow it.
 
#18
bubbleliciousis said:
Ok i'm not married and i'm in the flip side of the situation

my take is that not everyone i know knows that the other person is THE ONE. Ask yourself if you are willing to risk losing this person from your life. if the answer is NO then it might be stress and jitters. if you don't know, i think you need more time perhaps.

perhaps you're having doubts because of some concerns about the guy and i mean important fundamental stuff like being lazy, unreliable, lying tendency etc etc. is there something major about him that has been bugging you but you always kind of said its ok and everything else makes up for it? maybe it's still bugging you and it isn't really ok deep down in your heart.

if the date is coming up and you feel you need more time then postpone it and work it out together. don't rush into the wedding coss it's all planned and at the same time don't just ditch the guy before you figure things out.

let me know how you're doing! feel free to PM me anytime. good luck!!
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That's how I feel. I'm not willing to lose him at all. But I do have those doubts about him being lazy and unreliable. I know he's faithful and I don't doubt him on that but something I just want to strangle him. One of my friends got married and she said the worst fights and arguements happened before the wedding. I know I have the jitters that's for sure. By the way I'm 23...I know that's YOUNG but I'm Indian (But I'm American since I was born here) so it's alright with me. The getting married part is alright but sometimes it's not. It's hard to be stuck in the middle of two cultures. I'm marrying my boyfriend, we've been together for almost two years so it's not like I don't know the guy but sometimes the wedding is overwhelming.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. Just wanted to know how bad can the jitters get.
 
#19
GiMMe MoRe BaGs said:
That's how I feel. I'm not willing to lose him at all. But I do have those doubts about him being lazy and unreliable. I know he's faithful and I don't doubt him on that but something I just want to strangle him. One of my friends got married and she said the worst fights and arguements happened before the wedding. I know I have the jitters that's for sure. By the way I'm 23...I know that's YOUNG but I'm Indian (But I'm American since I was born here) so it's alright with me. The getting married part is alright but sometimes it's not. It's hard to be stuck in the middle of two cultures. I'm marrying my boyfriend, we've been together for almost two years so it's not like I don't know the guy but sometimes the wedding is overwhelming.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. Just wanted to know how bad can the jitters get.
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Ahhh, the joys of belonging to two cultures! Ethnically, you are Indian, but culturally, you are American. Are your parents pressuring you to get married, or are you getting married because your ethnic culture dictates that now is the right time? You need to seperate the two and look at what is right for you. I know that this is difficult if you are experiencing pressure from your family, but at some point you have to live for yourself.


In my dad's culture, women live at home until they get married. When I was 22, I told my father that I wanted to live on my own. He stopped funding my education and didn't talk to me for a year when I moved out. At first, I was upset, but now i'm glad that I experienced independence because many of my friends who are from the same culture are experiencing early mid-life crisis, wanting to have fun now that we are all in our 30s.

My friend, who is Indian, was pressured into getting married after she graduated from college. Her brother married (arranged marriage) and was happy with the decision, since he didn't have to work too hard to find a bride, but she, being more American and independent, couldn't see herself marrying a stranger. She ended up running away to NY. Her parents were angry for a while, but they eventually reconciled with her. She is still unmarried (nearing 40) and is happy and succesful in dating and her career, although some family members think it a shame that she hasn't married yet.

Again, think hard about what is good for you, not what others expect from you.
 
#20
That's what I get. It's not too much fun being stuck in the middle. I have no desire to runaway from my parents. My parents are the two most amazing people and have given what I've always wanted. It's nothing like that.

It's not an arranged marriage, he's my boyfriend I love him he loves me. Everything is great. But something those wedding jitters get the best of you. After reading what everyone is saying, I think I'm just scared. I don't want to lose my boyfriend but marriage is life changing. Which I need to prepare myself for....I guess
 
#21
You need to ask yourself why you are having doubts/cold feet. All great advice here so far. Personally, marrying my guy was so natural, I never had any thoughts like that. But everyone is different.
 
#22
GiMMe MoRe BaGs said:
..... but something I just want to strangle him. ...
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well, this feeling will never go away!:lol:

just remember you are 2 completely different people when you break it down to male vs. female. Men just think and react differently to almost every situation. males are practical thinkers, we are more emotional. you are going to fight - thats just life. Its how you work together to resolve differences that will be key to getting along. Regarding his laziness, I can see that being an issue down the road so maybe you need to address that now. I've said it before and I'll say it again,
"men marry women thinking they will never change and women do change. women marry men thinking they will change and men do not."
Love to me is the level of tolerance, patience and willingness to compromise you have for the other person.
 
#23
Are you afraid to be married or afraid to be married to him? It's okay to be nervous about becoming a wife, those jitters are normal. If living with him for the rest of your life is of concern, then you should probably talk to him and let him know how you are feeling.
 
#24
GiMMe MoRe BaGs said:
That's what I get. It's not too much fun being stuck in the middle. I have no desire to runaway from my parents. My parents are the two most amazing people and have given what I've always wanted. It's nothing like that.

It's not an arranged marriage, he's my boyfriend I love him he loves me. Everything is great. But something those wedding jitters get the best of you. After reading what everyone is saying, I think I'm just scared. I don't want to lose my boyfriend but marriage is life changing. Which I need to prepare myself for....I guess
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You're lucky that your parents are amazing people! Have you expressed your concerns to your mother? Maybe she can offer some insight? All I can say is that while some people marry in their early 20s and are better for their decision, most people that I know preferred marrying a little later. I loved my bf when I was 20 and engaged, but not enough to marry him and not enough to lose him, if that makes any sense. In the end, I decided that it wasn't fair to both of us to hang onto someone with whom I had no intention of spending a considerable amount of my life.

My best friend from HS met her ex when she was 22, and they were engaged by the time they were 24. They bought a house together at 25, fully intending to get married, and lived together for the next ten years, all of the time engaged. She always had an excuse for their not getting married. The funny thing about weddings is that they often spawn either more weddings or break-ups, and after my DH & I married last year, three of our friends married and three of our friends, long time couples, broke up. My friend and her fiance, after almost 15 years together, broke up. She said that she finally realized, at our wedding, that the reason she never married him was because he really wasn't the one, but she could never bring herself to let him go because he was such a great guy.

Again, I do empathize with you because I know all about the culture thing, but only you know what you should do.
 
#25
Thank you to everyone who gave such great advice. Thanks for taking time out giving past experiences and advice for this. I really appreciate it. I feel better now. I think it's more about the married thing that's the person I'm marrying. It's sometimes hard to see the thin line between the two.

Thank you everyone :smile:
 
#26
well, make sure these arent wedding jitters, because close to every wedding, everyone has doubts,
i dont really think there is such thing as a soon-to-be-bride-who-doesnt-have-doubts.
wait a little bit, and if these feelings worsen, he may not be the one.

if they alleviate, give him a chance!
 
#27
Marriage is to some degree a leap of faith. I think if you're as sure as you can be then you can feel more comfortable to make the jump. If you need more time to sort that out despite the pressure I would wait. Its much easier to get out of a relationship before marriage then after of course.
 
#28
No I didn't doubt for a sec my DH was my one and only. We were a bit older when we met and I had gone through other relationships. I just knew he was the one - I wanted us to be a family, and I knew I could trust him with my life. I used to be turned off when I was younger when other married women said 'you just know', I was like 'what does that mean?' But it's true, you just know ... You look forward to seeing that person at home and ask them how their day was, and sometimes you can't wait and you call them in the office just to hear their voice and say Hi... It's a lot of work, and luck too. I don't know your situation but please, take sometime and talk to someone, a good friend, a marriage counsellor, etc. Good luck!
 
#29
I dated a lot and if I thought I was in love, I would on occasion have the same thoughts you just posted. When I met my husband, my only thought was how I would do nothing to screw it up as I couldn't imagine life w/out him. I think when it's 'the one', you just know that you don't want to ever let him go and you protect the relationship.
 
#30
ShimmaPuff said:
There is an old story of a young man asking his grandfather, "How do you know when a certain girl is The One?"

Grandpa replied, "If you have to ask, she ain't."

And there's an old saying: Don't marry someone you think you can live with, only marry the one you know you can't live without! :smile:
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I so agree

I say marry your best friend then you have half a chance
 
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