JOKE thread! Need a laugh? Add one or just read!

[~Fabulousity~]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

Old one, but considering the nature of this board......


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Hops up on the barstool and motions to the bartender. The bartender comes over and says, "Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper tilts his head to one side, looks confused and says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

heres some to start off:
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod

My friend sent me this in an email, and I laughed out loud when I read it!

Bracelet at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like
Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.
How may we help you today?'

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t when I tell you the price!'

 

[doriebear]

Haha, great jokes everyone!

 

[ashleyroe]

my mom was told this joke by one her of patient's at the hospital she use to work at.

I don't know why but its the only joke I can remember word for word!




So, there are three old ladies all best friends and they end up dying.
they end up at heavens gates and are greeted by st. peter.
he says to them, "all right you are all allowed in but there's a rule you must to follow."
they all look at eachother and agree.
st peter continues, "when you go in there are ducks everywhere! you have to be careful not to step on any of the ducks!"
he says this very sternly and they are nervous.

so they go in and awhile goes by and no one steps on any ducks until one day when the first old lady steps on one. here comes st. peter with a awful looking man. ugly, old, covered in boils and he hand cuffs him to the old lady.

the other two old ladys are very upset and are like "we must be careful not to step on another duck!"

so more times goes by and the second old lady steps on a duck, once again st peter comes with a hideous old man, missing teeth, and hunched back, and he handcuffs him to the second old lady.

very paranoid that last old lady never steps on a duck. one day st. peter comes with a handsome, young, muscular man. the old lady is thrilled!

"what did I do to deserve this!?" she says.

that handsome man replies, " I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[doriebear]

my mom was told this joke by one her of patient's at the hospital she use to work at.

I don't know why but its the only joke I can remember word for word!




So, there are three old ladies all best friends and they end up dying.
they end up at heavens gates and are greeted by st. peter.
he says to them, "all right you are all allowed in but there's a rule you must to follow."
they all look at eachother and agree.
st peter continues, "when you go in there are ducks everywhere! you have to be careful not to step on any of the ducks!"
he says this very sternly and they are nervous.

so they go in and awhile goes by and no one steps on any ducks until one day when the first old lady steps on one. here comes st. peter with a awful looking man. ugly, old, covered in boils and he hand cuffs him to the old lady.

the other two old ladys are very upset and are like "we must be careful not to step on another duck!"

so more times goes by and the second old lady steps on a duck, once again st peter comes with a hideous old man, missing teeth, and hunched back, and he handcuffs him to the second old lady.

very paranoid that last old lady never steps on a duck. one day st. peter comes with a handsome, young, muscular man. the old lady is thrilled!

"what did I do to deserve this!?" she says.

that handsome man replies, " I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[~Fabulousity~]

Lol!!

 

[Vegas Long Legs]

Good ones ladies!

Another blonde joke -

Blonde is having problems with her car. So she takes it to the garage down the street. The mechanic checks it over & says, "drive it around tonight & bring it back in tomorrow, I think it'll be OK."
So she drives it around a few miles & the next day takes it back in. The mechanic asks, "how did it do?" Blonde says "its running fine now, no more problems."
Mechanic says, "OK, just crap in the carborator." Blonde say "umm, how often?"

 

[Cindi]

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

 

[ashleyroe]

I got one more hopefully I tell it right.

So this woman goes to see her doctor and explains to him she's having a hard time getting her husband to have sex. She says "he has no passion what so ever and won't even look at me." The doc gives her some pills and says " slip one of these in his coffee every morning and this should fix everything."

The woman leaves but the next day she is back at the docs office. He walks in surprised to see her. He says to her "why are you back? Didn't they work." Extremely upset she says "oh yes they did, very well I put it in his coffee and next thing you know he has me on the table and rips all my clothes off and takes me right there!"

The doc is puzzled "so what you didn't like it?"

"Oh I loved it but I don't think the people in the star bucks did."

 

[Rumpus Bumpus]

A hearty LOL to the jokes, in this thread!

 

[doriebear]

hahaha!:giggles:

 

[Cindi]

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble. " The little boy, too st...artled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequential, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else. She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

 

[doriebear]

^^Funn-y and unexpected!