can u stay friends with someone u can't respect? long post, sorry

madamefifi

madamefifi

cat hoarder
O.G.
Aug 23, 2006
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#1
Ok here's the situation: I work with this girl S., with whom I am good friends--we socialise occassionally outside of work and have many things in common. I do respect her abilities as a nurse very much but...her work ethic SUCKS. She calls in sick I would say about 30% of the time in any given 4 week period, sometimes more. For example this week she called out Sunday--"allergies"--Tues., no reason given except "sick", and tonight (Thursday) with "strept throat", which makes this the second or third time in the past 6 months she's supposedly had strept throat. Previously she has called out because her BF had strept, because of her housemate's various medical problems, because her soon-to-be ex-husband was "aggressive" with her on the phone, because the wind blew her front door back and broke her fron porch light, because her AC wasn't working...I could go on and on. I know people get sick but come on! She's young and appears perfectly healthy to me. This latest string of call-outs has given her eight days off in a row, more if she continues to call out next week. She is always whining about how she doesn't have any money which is a joke because her wealthy parents send her checks all the time (though she claims she doesn't accept money from them any more). She also has some sort of trust fund. Clearly she doesn't "have" to work, so I would really like to know why she allows herself to be scheduled for 40 hours a week if she's not interested in working them. Her financial status is none of my business, I know, except that she does complain very ostentatiously about having to shop for groceries at Wal-Mart to save $$$ and how she can't afford to buy this or that. Also, every time she comes back to work after one of her extended "sick" times, she has to talk all night about how sick she was and go into elaborate detail which frankly I don't want to hear and don't believe anyway. The thing is...it's very demoralizing, not only to me but the rest of the nurses up here, that she calls out so much and apparently is never going to be disciplined for it. Not to mention that there is a nursing shortage and we often have to work short-staffed when she calls out. She tries to justify herself by saying she always calls out early enough so that we can find someone to replace her. Excuse me? Maybe, if we're lucky! I think she truly does feel guilty about her behavior but she continues to do it nevertheless.

So...how can I stay friends with her? I have a lot of resentment, I admit. I busted my tail this past Tues. as did every other nurse up here because we couldn't get another nurse to replace her. I know when we work together again she's going to try to tell me all about how sick she was and I don't know if I'll be able to keep my cool--it gets harder every time. I work hard and show up for my scheduled shifts and I expect the same behavior from my co-workers. Granted everyone gets sick once in a while but this is a case of "the boy who cried wolf". I happen to know, because she has told me, that many times when she calls out "sick" it's for some other, frivolous reason (see front porch light incident in 1st paragraph). I am at a loss as to what to do. I truly do not know how to handle my anger and frustration at her irresponsible behavior. Ultimately it doesn't have anything to do with me but I can't help but have feelings about it which is affecting my feelings about being friends with her. Previously I have tried to blow it off and ignore it but I'm just sick of it. I hope I've explained adequately!

Any advice?
 
#2
I would just say something...preface it maybe with how you really like her and would like to continue to be friends, etc...but it sounds like if you don't say something...it will negatively affect your friendship anyway...so might as well get it out in the open!
 
#4
Why isn't she getting disciplined for it? She should! 30% of the time absence is a lot!

I am friends with someone that I don't respect as a boss in the workplace. She's still my friend but I think a lot of the things she does in the office doesn't reflect her position in the company very well. I told her once so she knows. Whether she changes or not is up to her but that doesn't change my view of her as my friend.
 
#5
Blech :yucky: Irresponsible ppl are annoying...but irresponsible co-workers are even worse! I can't possibly understand how she can get so many "sick" days off...no one has called her out on her behavior?? Then of course she will continue doing it bc she can get away with it!! :rolleyes: If I were in your shoes, I would definitely say something bc its affecting YOUR work life and responsibilities...it is simply NOT cool to put your hours onto someone else bc THE WIND BLEW?!?!

Good luck and I hope she gets what's comin!!! :angel:
 
#8
I understand your frustration...and it is your business because you end up being shortended by her absence. I would tell her exactly how you feel, that you do not believe her hilarious reasons, how could you, and that nobody else does either. That this affects everyone that she works with and not just herself. In that situation it would be her own problem. Tell her she either needs to schedule herself for less hours or quit calling in "sick" because it makes your night hell. As a friend i think it's fine to say this.
 
#10
Its a dam if you do and dam if you don't situation when you become friends outside of work. Your post says that you have become good friends.. but then you occasionally socialize outside of work. I have had many co-workers that I would occasionally socialize with but never considered them good friends. When you become good friends with a co-worker its becomes hard to define the relationship between friends and co-worker. So you have to make the call... based on your relationship- are you more friends or more co-workers either way if you speak up one or possible both the relationships will be affected.. been there done that.. which is why I work with co-workers and have friends outside of work. It just makes it easier for when things like this happen.
 
#11
Distance yourself, it's obvious that one of your heartfelt values is your work ethic for your particular job, she's not sharing that - keep her number but trust me, it won't work - we love what we love and if it's work Vs. friend, friend loses.

Sorry to be so negative, just posting my experience and take it for what it cost ya.;)

Cx
 
#12
Well I've had friends who I've topped being friends with because I didn't agree with choices they had made and I couldn't be supportive, so I thought it was best to part ways... but I feel like this is different... it seems like first and foremost she is your co-worker and after that it is a social relationship. In that circumstance, work comes first... I do not understand why a supervisor has not stepped in, I can't believe those excuses would be accepted... but at the same time, there is not much you can really do if the supervisors see what is going on and choose to do nothing about it.

If I was in your situation, I'd see myself pulling away from that person socially because their actions would make me mad! But my loyalty in that situation would be to my job, not a coworker.
 
#13
separate work from friendship. she deserves no respect as a co-worker. she is endangering patient care by forcing you and your co-workers to be understaffed and overworked.

your first step should be to discuss the problem with the nursing supervisior- there are policies and procedures in place to professionally deal with an employee like this. let them take it from there. chances are she has already caught their attention with her frequent absences.

after she is let go, perhaps you can socialize with her, and when she describes how she is doing the same thing to her co-workers at her next job (as she certainly will) you will have no emotional investment and can tell her like it is- unprofessional and inconsiderate.
 
#14
Sina said:
honestly, I think that's her business... I don't think that should be a reason to stop being friends with her. Who cares how she works?
Click to expand...

Who cares how she works? It affects her co-workers when they are stretched to cover her duties, giving each patient less attention. As many have said, I'm amazed that supervisors haven't said something and warned her. That is just plain abusing her job.

You'll have to decide if it's worth whatever you get out of the friendship (?) to continue. For myself, her attitude would bother me too much.
 
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